


last dance

by bluesxrgent



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ballet, Alternate Universe - Sports, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Childhood Friends, Eating Disorders, Eliott is Trying His Best, Enemies to Lovers, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lucas is a grumpy dumbass mostly, M/M, Miscommunication, Paris Opera Ballet School, Rivals, Secret Relationship, They're the same age in this fic sorry, but we love him anyway, elu - Freeform, guess where the title is from, it just makes things easier, kinda slow burn?, mostly because lucas is a stubborn lil gremlin, there will be fluff I promise, y'all know - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-26 10:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 126,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19004356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluesxrgent/pseuds/bluesxrgent
Summary: Lucas is in his final year at the Paris Opera Ballet School and he’ll be damned if he lets his former friend-turned-rival Eliott steal the lead role in their production of Swan Lake.aka- lucas and eliott are rivals who are forced to room together for their final year of ballet school before they try to enter the company. we can all see where this is going.





	1. i.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls note: i did not attend the paris opera ballet school so i am probably getting approximately everything about how it is run entirely wrong, but i have danced my whole life so i know a bit about that

Even after years of training, the Paris Opera Ballet School was still everything Lucas had dreamed it would be. Sure, there were days where he wondered if all his training had amounted to absolutely nothing, but then there were days were one of his instructors would compliment his posture, or use him as an example in class, and he would remember why he had worked so hard to get to this point. Dancing had always been like breathing to Lucas, came more naturally to him than anything else he’d ever tried.

Arriving back at the school for a new year Lucas felt like he could exhale in relief. The months away from the school during the summer holidays were always difficult for him, given his tense family situation. Luckily, that summer, one of his best friends from school, Manon, had invited him to stay in a flatshare she had in the city with her cousin and another friend. It had been nice, actually, to live that summer of bliss, training whenever possible with Manon and not having to worry about his parents. 

They were starting their final year before they would try to enter the company, one of the most defining years of the rest of their lives. It was a bit intimidating, if Lucas was honest with himself. Whoever scored the lead roles in whatever show they performed that year were shoo ins for the company, so the pressure was higher than ever. He wondered what show they would be doing, hoping there would be a great lead male role that he could try for. He wanted a real challenge. 

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Manon said to him as they walked in together, finding their room assignments. “Only one more year? In some ways I’m glad, but in others I wish we never had to leave.”

Lucas rolled his eyes at her, even though he knew exactly what she was saying, felt the same way. “You’re never going to have to leave, you’ll be in the company before the year’s out, principal in the company before you’re twenty.”

“Oh shut up.” She nudged his side, but her eyes sparkled with possibility. Manon was easily the best dancer in their year, in the whole school now that Lucille and Charles had graduated. No one could do ballet like Manon Demissy, and everyone knew it but her. 

“When’s Yann getting here?” she changed the topic as they ascended the staircase to the residence wing. 

Lucas shrugged. “I don’t know, actually. Maybe he’ll be in the room when I get there.”

Normally there were three students to a room, but Lucas and his best friend Yann had gotten lucky the past few years, due to the uneven number of students, and had a room to themselves. It was always weird, getting used to one space for the whole year and then having to move into another one the next year, but Lucas was excited this year. The students in their final year generally got the best rooms. “Which number are you?” he asked Manon once they started to make their way down the hallway. 

“412. You?”

“416.”

She pouted. “I’ll miss living with you. Are you sure Yann doesn’t want to switch?”

Lucas choked on a laugh. “And what if you end up rooming with Emma?”

Emma was Yann’s ex-girlfriend, and even though the two of them were friendly with one another, they still had a bit of lingering awkwardness around each other. Manon shivered, then laughed, “Ok, you have a point.”

Manon reached her room and was accosted by a loud squeal as someone jumped and gave her a huge hug. Daphné. “Come in, come in! Imane’s already here! I feel so bad for Emma, she has to room with  _ Ingrid _ . And Chloé, but she’s fine. Hi Lucas! Are you with Yann again?” Daphné always spoke a mile a minute and while he’d like to say he hadn’t missed her, he had. He did feel bad for Emma, though. She and Ingrid had been really close once upon a time, but then she’d sort of stolen Yann from Ingrid and their relationship soured. It had gotten better over time, but it was still awkward. 

“What about Alexia?” he asked. 

Daphne’s grin turned sad. “She left the program. Apparently ballet wasn’t her ‘thing’. She’s at the same school as your friend Basile and Imane’s brother now.”

“Oh.” That was unfortunate, he’d really liked Alexia. Not that they would never see each other again, especially if she now went to the same school as Basile.

“Still up for that swap?” Manon whispered to Lucas.

He laughed and backed away, leaving her to move in. “In your dreams!” he mouthed back, causing her to flip him off before he made his way to his own room. He smiled once he got to the door. Not only did he now know for certain that it was a two person suite, but it was also a corner suite, one of the largest. Manon would be pissed when she found out.

There was already a bag on the floor when he entered, so he assumed Yann must be there already. He made his way to the bedroom off to the left of the living area, he always took the left and Yann always took the right, and halted in the doorway. A jacket was draped over the bed, suitcases yet unpacked by the door. Ok, apparently they were switching things up this year.

Someone knocked on the door one before barging in, and Lucas was surprised to see both Yann and Arthur, yelling in excitement as they laid eyes on him. 

“Lulu! Holidays treat you well?” Arthur grinned, pulling Lucas into a hug. 

He pulled away after a moment, turning to Yann and giving him a quick hug as well. “As well as expected,” he shrugged, “How about you?” 

Arthur launched into a wild explanation of his summer, from going on vacation to hooking up with a thirty-four year old woman-- something Lucas was fairly certain was illegal-- Arthur’s tale was full of so many wild twists and turns that Lucas would have thought his friend was making everything up if he didn’t know him so well. Arthur was the type of person to take everything and nothing seriously, which is why, while he was easily one of the most talented dancers there, he would never get any of the lead roles. He never even seemed to care either. Sometimes Lucas envied him for not caring, sometimes he wanted to yell at him. Lucas would have given anything to be born with the kind of talent that Arthur had. 

Yann, on the other hand, was on a pretty even playing field with Lucas. They hadn’t known each other before starting at the school, and they hadn’t talked much the first year or so because Lucas had a different best friend going in, but they had started to grow apart as Lucas’ friend became the star pupil and Lucas had begun to resent this new rivalry forming between them. Every year Lucas hoped his ex-friend wouldn’t come back, but he always did. 

“Yo, dude, why’d you take the lefthand room?” Lucas teased once Arthur had finished recounting his summertime escapades. 

Yann furrowed his brows. “What are you talking about?”

Lucas gestured vaguely to the room behind him and Yann’s eyes widened in comprehension. “Oh… you don’t know yet?” 

“Don’t know what?” He wasn’t one for surprises on a good day, and this was turning out to be not as good a day as he would have hoped, based on Yann’s expression. Before Yann could speak the door opened again, revealing just the person Lucas would rather have jumped into a pit of lava than see again. 

“Oh. Hi. I didn’t expect you all to be in here,” Eliott Demaury said, running a hand through his unruly hair. 

“We were just leaving,” Yann said, and, finally, Lucas realized what was going on. No, no, no, no, no. This couldn’t be happening to him. Anyone but Eliott fucking Demaury. Maybe he was there to help Sofiane move in? Maybe Sofiane was Lucas’ roommate?

“No, no need, I can just go to my room and unpack,” Eliott said, glancing once at Lucas before stepping around them to what Lucas had assumed was Yann’s bedroom. Lucas turned to look at Yann with murder in his eyes. 

“Tell me you’re joking,” he said with false calmness. 

Yann bit his lip and looked to Arthur for help. “I don’t know why they changed it up this year, man. Sofiane’s with us, me and Arthur, and Eliott’s with you.”

Lucas looked over his shoulder into Eliott’s room, meeting Eliott’s eyes for a brief moment before grabbing Yann and Arthur and pulling them into the hallway, shutting the door behind him. “Can I switch with Sofiane? You know he’ll be fine with it he’s like, the nicest guy in the world.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “Come on, Lucas. Eliott’s not that bad. You forget I’ve been living with him since we all started here.”

“I’m not rooming with him,” Lucas stated adamantly. Eliott wasn’t that bad his ass. None of them knew Eliott like he did. They’d vowed when they were five to be best friends forever, but Eliott had forgotten all about that promise when the instructors started favoring him in classes, giving him all the best solos, roles, and compliments. Eliott hadn’t seen why Lucas was upset, told him he’d just have to work harder, as if he wasn’t already working five times harder than Eliott to even try to be on the same level as him. 

Over the past year Lucas had started to get more attention from their instructors and choreographers, proof that all his hard work was paying off. He wasn’t about to let Eliott flounce back into his life and ruin it all for him. 

Yann braced his hands on Lucas’ shoulders. “Lucas. Seriously. You need to put this whole rivalry with Eliott behind you. All it’s going to do is hold you back, and  _ I _ know that’s the last thing you want.”

Lucas shrugged out of Yann’s grip, folding his arms across his chest. “You don’t understand. Eliott and I… we were never meant to be anything other than ‘rivals’, if that’s what you want to call it. I’ve made the mistake of being his friend in the past and I’m in no hurry to do it again.”

“I’m not saying to be his friend, I’m just saying why make a shitty situation worse? You know damn well that if any of the teachers catch wind of you switching rooms they’ll make your life hell,” Yann tried to reason with him. 

Lucas still wasn’t having it. “My life will already be hell.”

Arthur let out an exasperated sound and raised his voice slightly, quieting after a moment so he wouldn’t draw attention. “Lucas! You always talk about is how hard you have to work to be seen the way people like Eliott and Manon are naturally, and now you  _ are _ . The teachers love you. Would you really throw that away over the prospect of sharing a kitchen and bathroom with Eliott? You don’t even have to share a bedroom for Christ’s sake! If you’re going to be in hell either way, stick with the hell you know.”

As much as Lucas hated to admit it, Arthur had a point. He didn’t want to have to share  _ anything _ with Eliott, but if the alternative ruined his chances of getting a lead role in whatever show they put on this year or a chance at entering the company, he would never forgive himself. 

“Fine,” he agreed grudgingly. 

Yann raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Lucas grumbled, leaning his head back against the door. This was going to be a long year. 

“Well in that case,” Arthur spun on his heel, pivoting to walk down the hallway, “We have unpacking of our own to do. Try not to murder Eliott while we’re away. Please. I need some food or something before I can cover up a murder.”

Lucas rolled his eyes and flipped off his friends as they made their way back to their own room. He hesitated in front of the door for a moment, not quite ready to enter back into the room he’d have to share with someone he hated for a full year. Hopefully he could just lock himself in his room most of the time and just avoid Eliott at all costs. He got up earlier than everyone to start training, so there was a minimal chance he’d ever see Eliott in the mornings anyway. 

He should really go back into the room. 

He should really go back into the room, but he couldn’t. His hand hovered over the door handle still, and he knew that he would look like an idiot if anyone walked down the hall and saw him standing there staring at the door. 

Fuck it, it was his room too. Eliott couldn’t monopolize that as well. The door opened easier than he had expected, or maybe he’d used a little bit too much force on it, because he stumbled back into the room much less gracefully than he’d intended to. Eliott was standing by the small counter they had in their kitchenette, unloading a box of mugs and dishes. He looked up at Lucas in surprise. 

“I didn’t think you’d be coming back in here.” It was hard to tell if Eliott was trying to make a joke or not. His tone said he was teasing, but his face was serious. Lucas tried not to remember how it used to light up every room he walked into. Maybe it still did, but Lucas had stopped noticing. 

“Well, it  _ is _ my room too,” Lucas said, just as ambiguously. Eliott nodded but said nothing further, turning his attention back to the items he was unpacking. Lucas walked past him and into his own bedroom, slamming the door shut and flopping down on his yet to be made bed. This was going to be a long year. 

The best he could do for the time being was make his room as  _ him _ as possible so that he would enjoy spending as much time in there as he planned to. With any luck, he’d be able to hang out in Yann and Arthur’s room a lot as well, especially because Sofiane would probably want to hang out with Eliott. Lucas actually liked Sofiane, and he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why someone as nice and talented as Sofiane would waste his time on someone like Eliott. 

As far as Lucas was concerned, there were two type of people in the world: those who preferred petite allegro, and those who preferred grand allegro. Lucas himself was the former, as was Sofiane. Petite allegro required precision, sharpness,  _ focus _ . It was one of the most difficult exercises of a ballet class, but, if you pulled it off, the satisfaction was worth the struggle. You couldn’t get by on natural talent in petite allegro, it was one of the only exercises that actually put everyone on an even playing field, at least at first. If you succeeded it was because you deserved it. 

People like Eliott preferred grand allegro. Grand allegro was all about showing off. Yes, there was still precision and focus required, but it also required absolute perfection of the sort that you were either born with or weren’t. That wasn’t to say that someone couldn’t be good at grand allegro if they weren’t born with the same natural ability as someone else, but their chances of securing the roles and positions granted to those who flourished during grand allegro were far lower. The petite allegros were the underdogs and the grand allegros were the  _ stars _ . 

Of course, there were always exceptions. Manon was like him, but she was also a star. She was the only person in their class that ever topped Eliott in the eyes of their instructors, but Lucas didn’t resent her for it. He knew how hard she worked for everything she got, and it was clear from the moment that she’d walked into their first class that she was destined for a career that most of them would only ever dream of.

It was partially due to being partnered with her the previous year that their instructors had begun to take notice of him. A star was only as good as their partner allowed them to be, so Lucas had worked even harder than normal the entire year prior to make certain that neither he nor Manon would be overlooked. It was actually how they’d come to be so close in the first place, not really interacting much beforehand. Lucas had mostly steered clear of Emma and her friends after all of her relationship drama with Yann, but had really enjoyed becoming so close with Manon over the past year. If they hadn’t, he wouldn’t have lived with her over the holidays, and his life would have been hell. 

Of course, he would take that living situation any day over what he was forced to deal with now, for the  _ entire year _ . He had to pick his battles, he knew this, but also-- what was the issue in picking all of them, really? 

There was a knock on his bedroom door and Lucas poked his head up, wondering if Yann had come back to talk to him or if Eliott was  _ really _ trying to come into his room. A few steps and an open door later, he realized it was the latter, wishing he would have just stayed on his bed and ignored the knocking. 

“What do you want?” he asked curtly, not even bothering to pretend to be polite. Eliott knew Lucas didn’t like him, and Lucas was more than certain Eliott didn’t like him either. That much had been made clear the minute Eliott had been hailed as a prodigy and hadn’t spoken a word to Lucas for nearly the entire year following. Lucas nearly scoffed to himself, wondering how they’d ever been best friends to begin with. 

Eliott was just staring at Lucas, hadn’t said a word, hand finally falling to his side from where it had been poised to knock on the door. Lucas raised his eyebrows. “Hello? What do you want?”

Eliott blinked and looked away, gaze falling to the floor. “Sorry, um, I was just wondering how you’d like to decorate the living room?”

“Seriously?” Lucas crossed his arms over his chest. Decorating the living room was really the least of their worries, in his humble opinion. Had he and Yann ever even decorated their living room?

Eliott bit his lip and shrugged. “It could be nice.”

“Nice,” Lucas repeated slowly. He opened his mouth again to speak before closing it and furrowing his brows, unsure of how to respond. “I don’t really give a shit, I guess. I’m here for ballet and ballet only, I don’t care what pictures are hanging on our walls.”

“Just ballet? That will be unfortunate when we have to take our modern, hip hop, jazz…” Eliott trailed off, gleam in his eye. Lucas used to know that gleam, used to smile when he saw it. Now it mocked him, shining with the light of everything Eliott knew that he was and Lucas wasn’t. 

Lucas didn’t even want to give in to Eliott’s attempts to rile him, so he just rolled his eyes and moved to close the door once more, stopped by Eliott’s hand right before it closed. “ _ What? _ ” he hissed through his teeth. 

Eliott pushed the door back open tentatively and flicked his gaze to Lucas’ eyes once before averting them again. “I was also wondering what you’d like for dinner?”

Lucas scoffed aloud and slammed the door in Eliott’s face, leaning against the back of it once the door closed. He slowly slid down until he was sitting on the floor with his back still pressed to the door. There was a dull thud on the other side of the door that Lucas might have thought was Eliott doing the same if he didn’t know better. 

Knees pulled up to his chest, Lucas folded his arms on top of them and buried his face. Since it seemed Eliott would be occupying the kitchen, Lucas would not be venturing out into their shared living space for the night. Whatever. He would have to be up at quarter to five the following morning anyway to get his pre-class warm ups in, so it was probably best that he unpacked and tried to get rest as soon as possible. If it was even possible, given his awful sleeping habits. It wasn’t his fault that he averaged about three hours of sleep a night, it really wasn’t. 

He popped his head up at the sound of something clanging before he realized it must be Eliott making himself something to eat. Unable and unwilling to acknowledge the boy in the room over, Lucas put in his earbuds, cranking the volume as high as it would go without bursting his eardrums and got to work, opening up one of his suitcases and searching for his sheets. 

He fell into a steady rhythm, sometimes dancing along to the beat of his music as he worked, finding the monotony of unpacking to be rather calming. He nearly forgot about the fact that he was hiding from his roommate, that his roommate was Eliott, and that he didn’t know how he’d survive the year like this. Nearly. 

There was a sound at one point that may have been another knock, but this time Lucas ignored it, chalking it up to the drums in the song he was listening to. If it had been a knock, he supposed he didn’t much care if the door went unanswered. 

Finally, after who knew how long, everything was in its proper place and Lucas could lie back on his fully made bed, sinking into the warmth of his comforter. He checked the time and realized it was almost midnight, giving him a total of maybe five hours of sleep if he fell asleep right that moment, which, given his history, wasn’t going to happen. Wonderful. 

He still had to move his toiletries to the bathroom, something he’d been avoiding doing because it involved leaving his room. There hadn’t been noise from outside since he’d taken our his earbuds, which was promising enough that he rallied himself enough to open up his door. 

As he stepped out into the darkness of the living area he almost tripped on something resting by the foot of his door. Bending down to inspect, he realized that it was a bowl with a note in it. 

_ I made pasta, the leftovers are in the fridge whenever you’re done unpacking. Sorry if you don’t like pasta, you slammed the door on me before you could tell me what you wanted for dinner. -Eliott _

Great, now Eliott was probably trying to poison him. He made a point of throwing the note away, leaving it on top of all the other garbage, and returning the unused bowl to the cupboard instead of washing it under the guise of use.

Standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom a moment later, Lucas took in his reflection, from his nearly untameable hair to his wide eyes to the stern set of his jaw. This year he wasn’t going down without a fight. When they announced the production the school would be putting on tomorrow, he would fight tooth and nail to secure the lead role, leaving Eliott in the dust behind him. 

It was probably hard for Eliott to imagine what the bottom was like from all the way up on his high horse, but Lucas would make sure that he knew. It was one thing to start at the bottom and work your way up, but there was no coming back from falling when you were at the top. 

Tomorrow was the start of a new day, a new year, and a new Lucas. The ballet world was one of see or be seen, and Lucas was finally ready to be seen. He was not about to let Eliott ruin things for him ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	2. ii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> excuse the fact that i don't use the metric system, i'm american lol

**Lundi 4:45**

When Lucas awoke groggily at four forty-five the next morning, he almost forgot that he was no longer in the sweet comfort of the flat share he’d grown to love. He almost forgot that on the other side of the wall slept one of the people he hated most in the world. Well, maybe hate was a bit strong, but other than his father, who he really hated, he hadn’t had many reasons to dislike other people throughout the years, especially in his ballet program. For the most part, they were all like one big family, which was one of Lucas’ favorite parts about attending school there. 

His alarm went off again and he swore under his breath, jolting out of bed and pulling on his layers of dance attire and warm up clothes as quickly as possible. He wanted to have time for a five mile run if possible before meeting Manon to stretch and warm up before class. 

Throwing on his light windbreaker and grabbing his headphones off his desk, he moved to the bathroom, washing his face, using the toilet, brushing his teeth, and fixing his hair enough that it wouldn’t get in his way when he had to dance later. In retrospect, he probably should have gotten a haircut before the year started, he hadn’t had it so long in quite a while, but over the holidays he’d really grown to love his hair a bit longer. Besides, if Eliott could dance with his wild, untameable hair, Lucas could too. 

A bit after he’d moved into the kitchen, the sound of Eliott’s door opening caused Lucas to look up with wide eyes from where he was filling up his water bottle at the sink . Fuck, he should have been quieter. What the hell was Eliott doing up at five thirty anyway? He always arrived  _ just in time _ for classes, but none of the instructors ever said a damn thing. It was infuriating, especially since Lucas was always one of the first people there.

“Morning,” Eliott said, sitting down at the counter. Lucas raised his eyebrows and continued to fill up his water. “What are you doing up so early?”

“I could ask you the same question,” Lucas murmured, already breaking the silent rule he’d made for himself to just ignore Eliott at all costs. 

Eliott shrugged and rested his elbows on the table. “It’s performance year. I figure we all need to work a little bit harder, especially if we want a lead role in the show.”

Lucas shut off the sink abruptly, hands clenching around his bottle. If Eliott had awoken early just to try to psych Lucas out, he was shit out of luck. Lucas wasn’t going to let a few taunts psych him out this year. Eliott continued, “Are you going for a run? I could join you.”

“No,” Lucas lied swiftly, “I’m meeting with Manon to warm up.”

“A bit  _ too  _ early for that though, right?” Eliott ticked his head to the side, smirking out of the corner of his mouth. 

Lucas rolled his eyes and braced his hands on the counter. “What do you want, Eliott?”

“Nothing, nothing.” Eliott raised his hands in mock surrender. “You’re going to eat before you go though, right?”

“Are you my mother?” 

“Are you avoiding my question?”

Lucas sighed in exasperation and took an apple from a bowl labelled  _ Eliott _ . He took a bite and looked Eliott directly in the eye. “There. Happy?” 

Much to his displeasure, Eliott’s smirk grew into a full blown grin. “Very much so, yes.”

Resisting the urge to spit the apple in Eliott’s face, Lucas retreated back to his room to grab his dance bag and put on his tennis shoes in silence, ignoring how Eliott’s eyes followed him the entire way. He continued ignoring the stare as he made his way back across the living room and out the door. The moment before it slammed shut behind him, Lucas heard Eliott’s voice call out, “Enjoy your run!”

Grunting at the fact that his day had already been ruined, Lucas secured his headphones over his ears and blasted his music as loud as it would go, the sounds of Queen filling his head as he tried to clear his mind and ran, ran, ran.

Sometimes he found his footsteps matching the beat of the music and had to resist the urge to stop and dance right in the middle of the street. It was his curse, he supposed, to want to find a way to dance to every song he heard. Not that he was much of a choreographer. He could do fairly well during improv classes or when he’d had to alter a variation for an assignment once, but creating something for a whole cast of moving bodies was dream he’d long abandoned. 

Lucas had always known that there would come a time when his ballet career expired and he would be thrown out like expired milk, but there had been a small part of him that had hoped he’d be able to stay in that world, creating movement for others. Unfortunately, that was just a pipe dream. He didn’t have what it took to be a choreographer.

A wet drop on his cheek sprung him out of his thoughts, bringing him back to the streets of Paris as he ran, steady drips of rain now falling from the sky. First the conversation with Eliott, now the rain… was it too much to ask for that his first day back went well?

Ignoring the rain about as well as he’d ignored Eliott, Lucas pushed on, running faster than usual to complete the five miles he’d wanted to complete before heading back inside. Maybe it all would have been ok, maybe Lucas could have gotten over the fact that it was raining, if not for the puddle he didn’t notice on the side of the street. The puddle that he ran right past as a car drove right through it. The puddle that soaked the entire right half of his body, mere feet away from returning to the school. 

It was going to be a long day. 

 

**Lundi 7:26**

 

By the time Lucas had dried himself off well enough to not look like he’d arrived from the lost city of Atlantis, he and Manon had only had about a half hour to warm up together before class started. They’d spent most of the time talking about nothing anyway, partially him complaining about Eliott, partially her complaining about having to share a bathroom with Daphné, not doing much to actually warm up. It didn’t matter that much on the first day though, especially for the final year. That morning they were going to receive all the information about the winter show each group of students in their last year performed at the end of the fall semester. 

Nearly everyone had arrived to class about fifteen minutes before eight, when the class was supposed to start. They were all fidgeting with excitement and nerves, chatting amongst themselves about what the show might be. The year before had done the Nutcracker, and Lucille, the stand out of that year-- and Eliott’s ex-girlfriend-- had played the Snow Queen, dancing the solo so beautifully that Lucas was sure the school would never do the Nutcracker again, not wanting to mar her legacy. Manon had actually played Clara, as one student in their second to last year was allowed to audition for a role in the show each year. Lucas had been so glad it was her and not Eliott. 

Unsurprisingly, Eliott had yet to show up. Why the hell would he be waking up so early if he hadn’t planned to show up to class on time? It made no sense to Lucas, though he supposed the reason could have simply been because he knew Lucas would be getting up earlier and wanted to be awake to rile him up. 

At a minute before eight, Eliott sauntered into the room casually, meeting Sofiane’s eyes immediately and moving to sit next to him, picking up a conversation as if he’d been there the entire time. Lucas rolled his eyes as he watched them, he had no idea how Sofiane put up with Eliott. 

There was a loud clap and everyone sat up straight immediately, jolting to attention as Madame Rigaux entered the classroom. Conversations stopped in an instant and all eyes were trained on her with a sharp, almost hungry focus. Madame Rigaux was a nightmare if she didn’t like you, but her favorites always claimed she was one of the best instructors they’d ever had. Lucas wasn’t quite a favorite yet, but he hoped by the end of this year that he’d get to experience more than the former, which he had grown accustomed to for quite some time. 

“Good morning, and welcome back.” She spoke softly, but she knew everyone was hanging on to her every word. 

“Good morning Madame Rigaux,” they all repeated in a chorus back to her. The corner of her mouth lifted in what one might have mistaken for a smile had they not known her. Those who did know her knew that look was born of satisfaction, of knowing the hold she had over all of them, knowing each and every one of their strengths and weaknesses and how to exploit them. It was a terrifying look. 

“Final year. The time does fly, doesn’t it?” Her question received no response, exactly as she’d anticipated. “This year will be one of the most difficult perhaps in your entire career as a dancer. All the training you’ve been doing up to this point is a walk in the park compared to what’s in store for you this year.”

Lucas unintentionally held his breath as she spoke, not wanting to cause any disturbance in the silence that had engulfed the room. It was so heavy, so deep, that each word she spoke rang out like a bell, echoing through the high ceilings. 

“Not only will you be continuing with your general education courses, studying in various styles and techniques of dance, some old and some new, and assisting with some of the younger classes, you will also be auditioning, rehearsing, and performing in this year’s winter student production,” she continued. As if they didn’t all already know that, each of them barely resisting jumping up and begging her to tell them what they would be performing. 

“The production, as you all know, was The Nutcracker last year.” She was really going to milk it as long as she could, though Lucas couldn’t say he was surprised. “This year, however, we wanted something a bit darker, more intense, with more depth from the characters to pull from. It will be both physically and emotionally demanding, and something that won’t always make the audience believe in happy endings, something that will make the audience weep as they stand on their feet and applaud in awe.”

Maybe Romeo and Juliet? The last class that had performed Romeo and Juliet was in their final year during Lucas’ first year. It was definitely feasible, it had been quite a long time since then.

“Auditions will begin next Friday, giving you almost two full weeks to prepare, a generous decision made by Monsieur Moreau, not me. If it were up to me you’d begin auditions today, and we’d see who has been keeping up their training during the holidays and who,” she glanced pointedly at a few students, including Emma and Arthur, “has some catching up to do. That all being said, I am pleased to announce that this year’s winter production will be Swan Lake.”

Lucas’ eyes found Eliott’s instinctively. He looked away as quickly as he’d looked in the first place, but not before he saw the same exact emotions he was feeling reflected in Eliott’s eyes. Prince Siegfried had always been Lucas’ dream role, since he’d first seen the ballet as a child. It was one of the reasons his mother had enrolled him in ballet in the first place. Of course, Prince Siegfried was also Eliott’s dream role, it was one of the things they had bonded over as children, arguing playfully about who got to be the Prince, and who played Odette when they practiced with one another. 

Lucas had always been on the shorter side, and was thus relegated to the role of Odette. It hadn’t bothered him at the time, laughing giddily as Eliott attempted to pick him up and spin him around, but now those memories felt like a punch in the gut. 

Another clap brought his mind back to the present. He realized Madame Rigaux had finished speaking, as everyone was now scrambling for their preferred barre spots. Eliott and Manon were at the front of each of their respective barre’s, of course, the spots left open for them despite the fact that Eliott moved there leisurely, allowing time for anyone to take the front spot if they wanted it. 

Lucas realized that his usual spot beside Yann had been taken by Arthur, and there was now only one available spot in front of Imane. Fuck. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Imane, she was great, but she was also intimidating as hell. He wasn’t even sure if she’d allow him to stand by her, even if it was the only spot left. 

As anticipated, she frowned as he approached. “It’s the only spot left,” he said by way of explanation. 

“Is it so bad to have to stand by me at the barre?” she asked in a falsely casual tone, flexing and pointing her feet aimlessly as she secured her hijab into place. 

“No, no, of course not, I just thought you wouldn’t want to stand by  _ me _ ,” he confessed, cheeks reddening as he spoke. Imane smirked and looked him up and down. “Better you than Arthur,” she conceded, turning away from him. Lucas felt himself begin to smile in return, ducking his head so no one would notice as he rolled out his shoulders and placed his left hand on the barre, ready to begin class. 

Madame Rigaux only watched Eliott as she began going over their warm up combination, even though everyone was marking the movements along with her. In her defense, it was hard not to watch him, as much as Lucas hated to admit it. The focus in his eyes was so intense that Lucas found himself taken aback. He never usually watched Eliott in class, but he always assumed that Eliott carried an air of nonchalance with him, strolling into class late, being the last to go across the floor, skipping extra practice sessions, but the intensity in his stare at that moment reminded Lucas of just how much Eliott had always loved dance when they were kids. How much he apparently still did. 

Too late, Lucas realized he’d been too busy watching Eliott to take in the combination himself. As Madame Rigaux moved to tell the piano accompanist what to play, Lucas turned to Imane with wide eyes. “Imane, what’s the combination?” he asked fervently.

She raised her eyebrows at him. “You weren’t paying attention?”

“I-- I was trying to, but-- Imane, please,” he stammered, looking at Madame Rigaux out of the corner of his eyes. Imane sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. 

“Switch places with me,” she said. 

He blinked. “What?”

_ “Switch places with me,” _ she repeated in a quiet hiss, pulling him behind her and stepping into his place. “This way you can follow me on the right side, and by the time we get to the left you should know it.”

He could have kissed her. “Imane you’re the greatest. I owe you one.”

“Yeah, yeah, just try to pay attention next time.” She turned around so her back was facing him, but he caught the hint of a smile on her face before she was facing the opposite direction completely. He nodded in acknowledgement, even though she couldn’t see him anymore.                                    

For the rest of class he made sure to pay extra attention to Madame Rigaux, memorizing the combinations so well that there was no way he’d be lost like he was at the beginning of class. It was easy to do once he’d retrained his brain to ignore Eliott completely. By the end, he even received a compliment on his grand jeté, something he’d been working diligently at for years with no notice. It felt great, if he was being honest. Maybe he had a shot at Prince Siegfried after all.

 

**Mardi 2:17**

 

“Lu, you have to be Odette!”

“But I don’t want to. I want to be the Prince,” Lucas whined, crossing his arms in front of him in a huff. “Why don’t you ever have to?”

Eliott nearly bounced as he shrugged, grin taking over his face. “Because I’m taller than you. You can’t lift me, and that’s an essential part of partnering. If we’re ever going to make it as dancers we’re going to have to know how to partner.”

“I’m not going to be the girl when we  _ actually _ partner, though,” Lucas argued. 

“Please, Lu. For me?” Not the puppy dog eyes. Lucas’ will crumbled around the puppy dog eyes. He could actually feel himself giving in to Eliott’s request. Lucas sighed and held out his hands. “Fine.”

Eliott bounced up and down with excitement, grabbing Lucas’ hands and pulling them both to the middle of Eliott’s backyard. It would have been preferable to practice at their studio, but it was closed on Sundays, which annoyed them both endlessly.  _ “Just wait until we’re at school,” Eliott always said, “We’ll be able to dance together day and night, whenever we want!” _

Lucas had to admit that it sounded great. Not only extra time in a real dance studio, but also extra time goofing around and having fake turning and leaping competitions with his best friend in the world. They would spend ten whole years at the school together, and Lucas couldn’t wait to start. He wondered who else they would meet there, if anyone would be better than Eliott. As far as Lucas was concerned,  _ no one _ was better than Eliott. 

“Wait a minute,” Lucas said after he and Eliott had run through and failed a variety of different lifts. “If I’m Odette does that mean I get to do the thirty-two fouettes?”

“Lu, you can barely do one fouette,” Eliott laughed. Lucas smacked him on the shoulder. 

“Oh, Mr. I-can-do-five-so-I’m-so-fancy. I’m just  _ saying _ , technically I get the big turn section if I have to be Odette!” Lucas smirked, raising one eyebrow as Eliott laughed softly, eyes resting on the grass beneath their feet. 

He looked back up at Lucas. “Well _technically,_ that’s Odile.”

“But they’re usually played by the same person!” Lucas wasn’t going to let up so easily. “That means I get to do it.”

“Hmmm,” Eliott pretended to consider, squinting his eyes for effect. “Ok. You win. Go, Odile, impress me with your fouettes and I’ll see if you deserve a standing ovation.” Eliott wiggled his eyebrows. 

Lucas licked his bottom lip and laughed. “Well I’m not going to do them  _ right now. _ First of all, we’re not even in a dance studio, second of all, like you said, I can barely do  _ one _ fouette, much less thirty-two.”

“But you just said you wanted to do it!”

“Yeah, but not now. When I’m older and able to do more than one fouette.”

“How old?”

Lucas thought about it for a minute. “Seventeen?”

Eliott laughed and ruffled Lucas’ hair. It was a thing he always did, never able to keep his hands out of Lucas’ hair for more than ten minutes. “Why seventeen? That’s so far away!”

“It’ll be our last year of school.” Lucas shrugged. “Seems fitting. If we haven’t performed Swan Lake by then, I’ll need my chance to show off my impressive set of fouettes. We’ll do our own performance of Swan Lake, just the two of us, but this time you’ll be Odette because I’ll definitely be taller than you by then.”

“Wouldn’t that mean I get to do the fouettes?” Eliott interjected, and Lucas cut him off with a glare. 

“No. I get to be the Prince  _ and  _ do the fouettes. It’s only fair.” 

“What if I let you be the Prince now? Then, when we’re seventeen, I’ll be the Prince and you’ll be Odette, and you can do all the fouettes your heart desires,” Eliott offered. 

Lucas narrowed his eyes at Eliott. “If we ever do an  _ actual  _ Swan Lake production, I’m going to be the Prince.”

“I never said you wouldn’t, this is just for our two-man Swan Lake show,” Eliott amended, eyes crinkling at the sides as he smiled. “Eli and Lu! Two-man world ballet tour!”

Lucas laughed, nudging Eliott’s shoulder with his. “You’re the only one allowed to call me that, I don’t want it on the name of our ballet show.  _ Lucas _ is more professional.”

“You’re the only one allowed to call me Eli,” Eliott countered, “Other than my mom, but we have to make some sacrifices if we want to be successful.”

“What about Elu? The Elu Two-Man World Ballet Tour!” Lucas suggested, only half-joking. There was no way he was letting anyone call him Lu, or even know that there was someone he  _ did _ allow to call him Lu. 

“Elu?”

“It’s a mix of our names. Eli and Lu, Elu.” It was a bad idea. Eliott was going to hate it. 

But Eliott just smiled. “Elu. I love it! Do we have a deal, then?”  

“Ok, we have a deal,” Lucas agreed, holding out his hand. Eliott shook it once before pressing a soft kiss to Lucas’ knuckles, pulling him in and spinning him around. Lucas laughed as they ended up chest to chest. He wrapped his arms around Eliott’s middle and furrowed his brows in concentration, trying to lift him up like the Prince would.

“Ha! See, I told you I could do it, Eli!” Lucas shrieked in excitement, holding Eliott a few inches off the ground. It wasn’t much, but he’d  _ told _ Eliott he could do it. And he could. 

Eliott’s voice rang out just as excited. “I knew you could, Lu! I knew it!”

Eliott’s laughter faded as Lucas bolted up in bed, blinking away the memory that had occupied his dreams. The clock beside him said that it was a little while past two in the morning. Fucking fantastic. Not only was he being haunted by Eliott in real life, now he was being haunted by Eliott in his dreams. 

He rubbed his eyes fervently as if that would erase his dream from his mind. Dreams like that happened every now and then, crawling out from the tightest corners of his brain and disrupting the Eliott-less peace he’d grown accustomed to over the past eight or so years. The worst part about them wasn’t that they attacked when he least expected it, no, the worst part about them was that, for one fleeting moment, he missed those times. He missed their easy friendship and the way they knew each other better than they knew themselves. It only lasted an instant, but it was enough for Lucas to hate that he still felt that way, even now. 

He had Yann, he had Arthur, he had Manon, he didn’t need to dwell on the past. That relationship had ended for a reason, no matter how much his mind tried to make him forget sometimes. Eliott’s words from the dream repeated themselves in his head,  _ we have to make some sacrifices if we want to be successful _ . Lucas snorted aloud, falling back onto his pillow. Eliott had been sure to take those words to heart. 

Lucas focused on this as he fell back asleep, the fact that no matter the vows they’d made and the lives they’d promised to live together, in the end Lucas was just an obstacle to Eliott’s success. Lucas liked to think that he would have done the same if his and Eliott’s roles were reversed, but he knew he wouldn’t have, even if there was the promise of a principal role in the company waiting on the other side. He didn’t know if that made him loyal, weak, or stupid.

Maybe he was just a combination of the three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me for some fre$h skam garbage on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	3. iii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'alls kudos and comments are my lifesource i love u all <33
> 
> also... ELIOTT SEASON??? IS IT HAPPENING?? I WILL DIEEEEEEE

**Vendredi 17:00**

Rehearsals finally ended for the week with a stern dismissal. It kind of sucked that they had hip hop as the last class of the day, because they were all dying by that point and nowhere near capable of executing their combinations to the standard they should. It was especially bad that week, as they were all a bit out of shape from spending their holidays slacking on training. No matter how much any of them had kept up with their training over the summer, nine hours of class five days a week with only an hour break in the middle was a whole different experience. 

They had all begrudgingly accepted their criticism in class without complaint, knowing that the concerns were justified. Lucas didn’t care too much, especially because it was just hip hop. He loved the class normally, but with auditions looming he didn’t really want to think about anything other than ballet for the next week.

He was sure that he’d already clocked in more hours of extra practice time than anyone else, even though they’d all been there less than a week. Manon had chided him plenty, lecturing him on the importance of letting his body take the time to rest, but he wasn’t taking any chances this year. If he didn’t get the role of Prince Siegfried, it wasn’t going to be from a lack of work.

He tried to blink the thought away, not even allowing himself to consider that he might not get the role. Obviously, it was a large possibility, but it wouldn’t help his confidence if he went in feeling defeated. He had to go into the next week and into the audition like he’d already secured the role, and everything else was just a formality. It was what people like Eliott and Manon would be doing, anyway. 

He noticed the way the other girls in the year grimaced at Manon during class, knowing that the role of Odette was hers alone. At least, Lucas supposed, he had  _ some  _ chance at getting the role he desired. He didn’t think the role of the Prince was as set in stone as Odette. Then again, he could just be fooling himself. 

He packed up his things as quickly as possible to head to studio three, the room he’d reserved for extra practice that night. He’d asked Manon to join him so they could practice partnering as well, and, thankfully, she’d agreed. 

She was already there when he arrived, sitting on the floor and pinning her hair back into a bun. “Long time no see,” she said with a raised eyebrow. 

He smirked in return. “You do what you’ve got to do…” 

“Oh, Lucas, come on now. You seriously don’t need to be worrying so much. Everyone can see how much you’ve improved over the past year and a half, you’re a shoo-in for a lead role,” she tried to reassure him as he sat beside her. 

“That’s just it, Manon. I don’t want  _ a  _ lead role, I want  _ the  _ lead role. This is the only role that’s ever really mattered to me.” He didn’t know how to accurately explain his feelings, his yearning. This wasn’t just another show for him. Even though they weren’t even in a company yet, this would probably be an experience he remembered for the rest of his career, and he wanted it to be a good memory. 

She didn’t respond, just grabbed his hand and squeezed it once. It was nice to not have to communicate with her through words sometimes. There wasn’t really anyone else he could do that with, not even Yann. She released his hand as her phone buzzed and she looked at it, blush spreading across her cheeks. 

Lucas cleared his throat pointedly and she looked up with wide, falsey innocent eyes. “Who is it?” he prompted, wiggling his eyebrows. “Charles?”

Charles had been one of the stars of the class a year ahead of them, along with Lucille. Lucas had always suspected he and Manon had gotten  _ close _ , so to speak, during Nutcracker rehearsals, but then he’d gone off to be a part of the Royal Ballet company in London, and she’d never confirmed or denied their relationship. 

“No,” she said with a scoff, returning her attention to her phone. 

“Then…?” he inquired slowly, stretching out the word. 

She took a moment to type, then set her phone face down inside her bag. “It’s nothing.” Lucas raised his eyebrows, not entirely convinced. “ _ Seriously _ ,” she added, rolling her eyes. 

“Sure.”  
“ _Sure_ ,” she mocked, sticking out her tongue childishly. “What about you, any hot guys catching your eye recently? Are _you_ seeing Charles?” she asked with a faux gasp, hardly containing her laughter. 

“Hilarious, Manon, truly,” he deadpanned, avoiding her question. It was no secret that he was gay, and it was also no secret, at least to everyone who knew him well, that he had never dated anyone before. Sure, he’d kissed a few people at a few parties in the past, but none of them were worth remembering or pursuing beyond those nights. Actually, his longest relationship might have been with Chloé when they were thirteen. He cringed when he thought back on it. He’d been at the height of his repression of his sexuality and she’d been cute and nice, and he thought, maybe it could work with someone like her. 

They went on one awkward date to the cinema, not knowing if they should hold hands or kiss or what. The night had ended by them both coming back to school, Chloé giving him a small kiss, and him blurting out that he was gay right to her face. It was a wonder she was still friendly with him. Thankfully, she’d kept his words a secret until he’d been ready to tell everyone, one reason he’d always have a soft spot for her, complicated history or not. He’d probably have reacted much worse had their situations been reversed. 

To answer Manon’s question simply, no. He didn’t ever really have the time to think about romance, and had even less now. “Yes,” he told her, “I have one, actually.”

“Oh?” she prompted excitedly. “Who?”

“Prince Siegfried.”

She rolled her eyes again. “You are  _ impossible _ .”

“Thank you,” he grinned, standing up and holding out a hand. She grabbed onto it reluctantly and allowed herself to be pulled up from the ground. “Now, we practice.”

“Now, we practice,” she repeated, rolling out her shoulders and facing the mirror, focused. He moved behind her and allowed her a few moments to prepare, a few relevés, a few practice pirouettes and balances in retiré before he grabbed her hands and began spinning her, moving his hands to her waist as she spun around.

And around.

And around.

And around.

And around. 

 

**Samedi 13:42**

The door to Lucas’ suite was, fortunately and unfortunately, unlocked when he returned to his room after practicing on his own for most of the morning. The unfortunate part was that this meant Eliott was in the room, the fortunate part was that he’d accidentally forgotten his room key that morning before he’d left. He couldn’t imagine the embarrassment of having to go to the director to ask to be let back into his room.

Eliott was sitting in the living room when he entered, fully focused on whatever work he was doing on his laptop.  _ Shit _ . Lucas realized he must have been doing their general schoolwork, math, literature, biology, the like. All of their courses were taught online, so they could pace themselves individually, but there were still assignments due at the end of every week, Saturday nights. 

Lucas had been so caught up on practicing for his audition that he’d forgotten about this work, forgotten that he wouldn’t even be allowed to audition if he was behind on his work.  _ Fuck _ . Hopefully there weren’t many assignments, given that it was the first week back, but Lucas wasn’t holding his breath.

“I was worried you’d forget about our actual schoolwork.” Eliott’s voice was soft enough that Lucas hadn’t realized he was being addressed at first. Lucas paused where he stood at the counter, washing out his water bottle. 

“You weren’t hoping I’d forget so I wasn’t eligible to audition for the show?” Lucas shot back. 

Eliott actually looked up from his work as if stunned Lucas had responded. Apparently he’d been doing a better job ignoring Eliott throughout the week than he’d thought. “I’m not worried about auditions,” Eliott responded breezily, making Lucas’ blood boil. Of course he wasn’t worried, he thought the role would just be handed to him, like everything else in his life. 

“Maybe you should be.” Lucas shut the sink off harshly, picking his bag up off the floor and bringing it into his room, slamming the door shut before Eliott had a chance to respond. He threw his bag to the floor, annoyed at how easily he always allowed Eliott to get under his skin. 

He opened his laptop and blasted his music through his headphones, drowning out any possibility of distraction so he could get his work done and possibly return to the studio later that night for extra rehearsal time. He still didn’t have the solo audition piece completely memorized, and he only had about a week left to perfect it. 

Thankfully, there were only three lesson videos for him to watch, each one requiring the completion of an assignment to go along with it. Straightforward enough. 

Lucas got to work, taking notes as he went, finding that he was actually interested in some of the material they were learning. Weirdly enough, he’d always been drawn to science, and he was quite good at it. Maybe in another life he wasn’t a dancer, but a normal high school student studying science. It was almost laughable for him to think of himself as anything other than a dancer, but maybe a universe existed where it wasn’t such an odd concept.

He finished the work just in time, submitting the assignments ten minutes before the online due date, cursing himself for forgetting to do them earlier in the week. As a reward for himself, he watched a few episodes of a tv show he was into at the moment, forgetting for a minute that the time he spent watching tv probably should have been spent in the studio.

By the time he emerged from his bedroom to use the bathroom, he had assumed Eliott would already be in his room or asleep. No such luck, he realized, seeing Eliott sitting on the couch and scribbling into a notebook. Lucas couldn’t tell exactly what he was doing, but Eliott had always loved drawing as a kid, so maybe it was a habit he’d maintained. 

Eliott poked his head up from what he was doing when Lucas exited the bathroom, shutting the notebook gently. “What’s up?”

Lucas looked behind him to see if maybe Sofiane had walked in and he just hadn’t noticed. He heard Eliott laugh softly. “Lucas? Are you ok?”

“You were talking to me?” Lucas asked slowly, still not convinced. What about any of their interactions over the past eight years had told Eliott they were at the ‘casual conversations’ stage of a friendship? Or even at  _ any _ stage of a friendship?

“Who else would I be talking to?” Eliott asked, cocking his head to the side, his tangled mess of hair somehow still defying gravity. Lucas shrugged and continued walking back to his room. “Wait,” Eliott said, “You’re not going to eat?”

“I already did,” Lucas said, not turning around. He felt a hand grab his arm and turn him around, stunned a moment to be so close to Eliott, who was looking at him intensely. “I made dinner,” Eliott said. 

Lucas scrunched up his face in confusion. “And? I ate before I came back from the studio with Manon.” He wrenched his arm from Eliott’s grip but didn’t move any further, wanting an explanation for the weird parental behavior. 

Eliott looked away somewhat shyly. “I… I’m just trying to be a good roommate.” The words came out clumsily, as if they hadn’t been what he really wanted to say.

“A good roommate,” Lucas repeated. 

Eliott didn’t say anything, looking at the ground, then back up at Lucas. The look in his eyes was unreadable, but familiar at the same time. It sort of felt like Eliott was able to see right through Lucas and he didn’t know how far he could go before he ended up pushing too far. Lucas hated it, this familiarity. There should have been no familiarity left between them. 

“I was Arthur’s roommate for years, you know,” Eliott said at last. 

Lucas didn’t know why this was relevant. “Ok?”

“Arthur talked about his friends sometimes,” Eliott continued, “And you’re one of his friends.”

“Are you really still trying to, what, psych me out? Tell me you know my  _ weaknesses _ or something? Cool, Arthur talked about me. He never talked about you to me, if that’s what you want to hear.” Lucas raised his eyebrows incredulously as Eliott rolled his eyes. “I haven’t given a shit about your daily habits in eight years, and neither have you, so why pretend now?”

It wasn’t strictly true, Lucas had cared a bit too much for a bit too long, but Eliott didn’t need to know that. “You know what? Fine. If this is what we’re going to do, how we’re going to live, fine. Excuse me for trying.” Eliott raised his hands in surrender, stalking away to his bedroom. Just before he closed the door, he added, “But just so you’re aware, I’m not going to pretend I don’t notice.”

Notice what? Lucas would have asked had Eliott not slammed the door shut in a manner similar to the way Lucas generally did. He hadn’t realized how harsh it could be from the other side. Whatever, if anyone deserved it, it was Eliott. 

 

**Lundi 13:14**

Lucas had spent the rest of the weekend alternating between time in the studio and time working ahead on assignments so he didn’t have to worry about them with the stress of auditions on Friday and result postings Saturday. 

When he’d woken for his run that morning Eliott had been up again, but this time he hadn’t bothered Lucas about what he was doing, or even spoken to him. In fact, they hadn’t spoken to each other since Saturday night, and Lucas couldn’t be more glad. Maybe Eliott would just let them drift through the year in uncomfortable silence. It wasn’t great, but it was a hell of a lot better than Eliott trying to be a ‘good roommate’. 

Yann, Arthur, and Lucas were off campus for their lunch hour that day, making their way to one of Yann’s favorite cafés. Lucas hadn’t wanted to leave, but the boys convinced him to because Basile would be on his lunch break as well, able to meet up with them. 

“Hey! Gang high five!” Basile said by way of greeting when the three of them entered the cafe. None of them obliged him, as per usual, and Basile sat back down with a defeated grimace. Lucas wasn’t entirely certain how Basile had become a part of their friend group, but one day he had just sort of started showing up more often and they found they mostly enjoyed his company. He was a nice break from the constant pressure of the ballet world. 

“What’s up at ballet school?” Basile asked, shoveling food into his mouth like he’d been starving for years. 

Yann shrugged. “Nothing much, ballet this, ballet that.”

“Fascinating,” Basile nodded, breaking into laughter. 

Lucas frowned. “Nothing much? Tell that to my callouses. I’ve been in the studio nonstop.”

“Ah,” Arthur chimed in, pointing at Lucas with his fork, “That’s because you’re crazy.”

“I am not,” Lucas said defensively, looking at Yann for backup. Yann merely bit his lip, holding back a smile. Lucas scoffed, slapping Yann on the arm. “Et tu, Brute? I’m just trying to be prepared for auditions.”

“Lucas, I say this with love, but I don’t think working yourself to death is going to do you any favors when you pass out from exhaustion in the middle of auditions,” Yann said matter-of-factly. 

Lucas huffed, crossing his arms. “I will not pass out from exhaustion. I sleep.”

“Do you though?” Arthur asked knowingly, and maybe he had a point. It wasn’t from a lack of trying. He’d actually been trying to get to sleep earlier to be well rested for practices, but his brain had other ideas. It wasn’t something he could just will away, as much as he wanted to. 

“Yeah, dude, I didn’t want to say anything, but I could probably see your under eye bags from Mars,” Basile added hesitantly. Lucas shoved his food away angrily. “I didn’t come here for you to all gang up on me,” he fumed, knowing their worries were  _ probably  _ justified, but still being too stubborn to admit it. 

Basile threw his hands up in surrender. “I just call it like I see it.”

“Whatever,” Lucas sighed dejectedly, stabbing a piece of lettuce with his fork angrily. Yann and Arthur exchanged a look, the latter clearing his throat. “So, Baz, how’s non-ballet school?”

Basile shrugged, speaking with his mouth full. “Same old, same old. Oh, but get this, Alexia transferred out of the ballet school!”

“Uh, yeah, Baz, we’re aware. We kinda noticed she was missing this year,” Arthur pointed out. 

Basile frowned. “Oh yeah. Well, she’s hosting a party Saturday night if you’re all interested. I think she already told the girls about it. Maybe Daphné will come,” he added, hopefully.

“We are definitely interested,” Arthur responded immediately, “How much booze?”

Basile laughed, “It’s Alexia, I’m sure we’ll be covered.”

Arthur raised his fingers to his lips in an imitation of a chef’s kiss. “Excellent! You guys in?” he asked Yann and Lucas. 

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Yann said, high fiving Arthur, much to Basile’s dismay. They all turned to Lucas expectantly. He folded in on himself a bit, twisting his lips uncertainly. 

“I don’t know…”

“Come  _ on _ , Lulu,” Arthur pleaded, giving Lucas his biggest, poutiest expression. Lucas wouldn’t be swayed so easily. “The casting comes out that night, I won’t be much fun anyways, I’ll be too stressed,” he argued. 

“Fair,” Yann agreed, “But what kind of best friend would I be if I let you wallow in anxiety,  _ alone _ , with only Eliott for company?”

Yann had a point. 

“Woah, woah, woah, Eliott? That douche Arthur rooms with?” Basile cut in. 

“He’s not a douche,” Arthur said, ignoring Lucas’ glare. 

“Yes he is,” Lucas corrected. 

Arthur sighed. “He’s not a douche to  _ me _ . But yes, that Eliott.”

Basile gestured for Arthur to carry on, still clearly not understanding the full picture. Arthur continued, “Room assignments got switched up this year, Lulu got stuck with his arch-nemesis and I got Yann and Sofiane. It’s gone about as well as you’d expect.”

“Nah,” Yann chimed in thoughtfully, “I was betting Lucas would have killed him by now.”

“I’ve come close,” Lucas mumbled under his breath, quiet enough that his friends couldn’t hear. He knew that they thought his rivalry with Eliott was ridiculous. Even Yann, who knew most of the details of their friendship and had to deal with the aftermath. He knew it was annoying to them, it was annoying to him too, but as long as Eliott was there, he was problem number one on Lucas’ mind. Not wanting to subject Yann and Arthur to another rant about Eliott he said, “Fine. I’ll go to the party.”

Basile lit up. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Really, really?” Arthur confirmed.

“Really, really.”

Yann, Basile, and Arthur cheered, earning them glares from an elderly woman sitting a few tables over. “This is going to be the best night ever!” Arthur promised, and Lucas hoped he was right, but for a different reason. 

Just because he was going to a party, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t be checking his emails obsessively for the cast list. Hopefully he’d have something to celebrate but, if not, at least he’s have an excuse to drown his sorrows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	4. iv.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEASON 5 BITCHESSS I'M STILL SHOOOOOOOOOK
> 
> tw in this chapter: vomiting and panic attacks
> 
> feel free to leave comments they always make my day :,))

**Vendredi 8:00**

When Lucas was anxious, he stretched. As he sat in the hallway waiting his turn for his solo audition he alternated between a right, center, and left side split as if doing so would calm his nerves. Manon would hold his leg in an oversplit every now and then, sometimes forgetting she was even doing it when she went into one of her pre-performance dazes. 

Lucas was the type of person to mark everything out with his hands before combinations or performances, but Manon marked in her head, face going completely blank as she entered her own mind and didn’t come out until she had her routine perfected. While Manon was enraptured in one such daze, Imane sat down directly in front of Lucas as he stretched, looking at him pointedly. 

He took out one of his earbuds and raised his eyebrows at her. “Yes?”

“I just wanted to wish you luck,” she said casually. He raised his eyebrows further. Imane wasn’t usually one to wish him luck or compliment him. They’d stood beside one another at the barre since the first day but they hadn’t really talked much outside of class, at least no more than they normally did. 

“You… wanted to wish me luck?” he clarified, shifting from a split to butterfly position, rolling out his feet as he spoke. 

She rolled her eyes. “ _ Yes.” _

“Ok…” 

She rolled her eyes again. “You could say thank you.”

“Thank you, Imane. Can I ask why you’re suddenly concerned with wishing me luck?” He propped his elbows on his ankles and leaned forward to put his chin in his hands.

“ _ Because _ .” She glanced to the side, lowering her voice. “I’m rooting for you.”

He was surprised by her explanation. “Really? I thought you and Sofiane were friends, and isn’t Eliott friends with your brother?”

She shrugged. “Sofiane doesn’t want the Prince. He wants Von Rothbart. And Eliott… well, Eliott’s my friend too, but he doesn’t need my luck.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“I’m not saying he’s better than you, I think you have a real chance at the role Lucas. Seriously. I just know think Eliott likes to tackle these things on his own, so he doesn’t need me wishing him luck. Part of what makes him so good is that he does this because he genuinely loves it, not because he wants a role, or a company spot, or whatever,” she explained. “You’re the same.”

Lucas agreed to disagree in his mind. If Eliott danced simply because he’d loved it, he would still be the same Eliott Lucas had been friends with as a child. Unfortunately, that Eliott was either long gone or buried too far to ever come back out again. Lucas was somewhere in the middle. A part of him didn’t care if he was ever a principal dancer, so long as he got the opportunity to dance for as long as humanly possible, but the other, slightly louder part warned him that it would all be for nothing if he didn’t get this role, the company invitation, the successful career most dreamed of but never achieved.

“Plus,” she added, “You have a real chance, unlike us girls.”

He furrowed his brows. “What are you talking about?”

Imane lowered her voice, but Manon was still in a daze, headphones in her ears. “Please, we both know Odette is Manon’s role and they’re probably just going to go ahead and cast her as Odile as well.” She grimaced, but looked resigned to the fact. He understood how she felt, it was how he’d always felt about Eliott. He wanted to argue with her, tell her that he thought she had a fighting chance as well, but it would have sounded hollow. They both knew it wasn’t true. 

“Well, good luck regardless. Maybe you’ll be the Queen Mother,” he suggested. 

She gave him a half smile. “Maybe. I’ll just settle for not being cut.”

“Psshh, come on, that doesn’t sound like the badass competitive Imane I know. You’re going to get a role, and it’ll be  _ better  _ than Odette, but don’t tell Manon I said that,” he said, grinning at her. 

She laughed and held out a hand. “I won’t tell if you don’t tell anyone I wished you luck. My reputation would be ruined.”       

He clasped her hand and shook it once. “Deal.”

The door to the studio opened and Yann came out, widening his eyes at Lucas and shrugging helplessly. That wasn’t a very promising reaction, but Lucas knew how hard Yann always was on himself, so he expected that the audition had probably gone better than Yann thought it did. 

“Lucas Lallemant?” Madame Rigaux called, as if he wasn’t right in front of her. He stood and took a deep breath, looking back down a moment at Imane before starting towards the door. 

“Break a leg,” she whispered to him as he went, and he couldn’t help but smile. As the door closed behind him and he stood in front of all of his instructors waiting to be judged, he was filled with a surge of confidence. He could do this. 

He smiled again to himself as the music came on, and he let himself remember the days he and Eliott spent rehearsing this same piece back when they were seven, eight years old. Granted, they hadn’t known how to do any of the steps at the time, but he was just as passionate about the dance then as he was now. He channeled that passion, feeling every movement, every pause, every breath, forgetting that this was even a competition at all. 

 

**Vendredi 21:39**

Lucas hadn’t stopped overthinking since he’d finished with auditions earlier that evening. Sure, they’d felt great at the time, but what if he was being overconfident? What if he really wasn’t as good as he thought he was? Why did he have to wait until tomorrow night to find out if he’d achieved one of his dreams or failed miserably?

He sat in a slightly catatonic state on the couch, not even worried if Eliott would show up and try to engage with him in any way. Eliott, oddly enough, hadn’t even returned to the room yet, even though auditions were long over. Lucas decided not to think about it too much, decided to just be grateful. 

His phone buzzed at his side and he picked it up to see that he had a message from Yann in a group with him, Yann, and Arthur. He rolled his eyes at the fact that Yann was texting them when he was just down the hall from Lucas and a room away from Arthur. 

**GROUP CREATED: ballet bros**

**Yann:** Feeling up to talking about auditions yet, anyone?

**Lucas:** *insert zombie noise here*

**Yann:** Oh, good, glad to hear it

**Lucas:** Just come in here if you guys want to talk, Eliott’s god knows where so I’m alone

**Yann:** Can’t, I’m making noodles

**Yann:** Also, Arthur is out

**Yann:** You can come in here?

**Lucas:** I physically cannot move. I will not be able to move until cast lists are posted.

**Lucas:** Wait, where’s Arthur?

**Yann:** Where isn’t Arthur is the better question

**Arthur Broussard changed the group name to “ballet hoes”**

**Arthur:** You’d better be able to move before results are up! The party, remember? Night of our lives?

**Lucas:** He lives!

**Yann:** Night of our lives might be a stretch, but Arthur's got the right spirit

**Lucas:** I don’t know guys… 

**Arthur:** Come on, Lulu. You promisedddddd

**Yann:** ^^^

**Lucas:** Ughhhhhhh

**Arthur:** Would it make it better if I told you that there will be a ton of hot guys there?

**Lucas:** … 

**Arthur:** No? Damn, I thought that’d do it for sure

**Arthur:** Would for me

**Arthur:** Fuck, I miss Alexia, the only one I could freely thirst with 

**Lucas:** Easy there, loverboy

**Lucas:** I’m just not really in a dating mindset, there’s more important things for me to be focusing on like, hmm, I don’t know, ballet?

**Arthur:** Who said anything about dating?

**Lucas:** Ugh, Yann where’d you go

**Yann:** … I regret to inform you I’m with Arthur on this one

**Lucas:** I hate you both

**Yann:** Hey! Come on, what’s so bad about a one-time hookup? Might help you get the stick out of your ass

**Arthur:** Or in your ass

**Lucas:** A R T H U R

**Lucas:** I’m blocking both of you

**Lucas:** I hate you

**Arthur:** Hate us all you want, you know we’re right 

**Lucas Lallemant has left the group “ballet hoes”**

He did know they were probably right, which was why he left. He didn’t want to deal with anything other than his own melancholy at the present moment. Then again, a ton of hot guys didn’t sound like the  _ worst  _ thing in the world. If anything, it could help distract him. 

**Arthur Broussard added Lucas Lallemant to the group “ballet hoes”**

**Arthur:** Not so fast Lulu

**Lucas:** Should have blocked when I had the chance

**Yann:** You could never block us and you know it

**Lucas:** So…

**Lucas:** What time is the party again?

**Arthur:** WE GOT HIM

**Yann:** HELL YEAH

**Arthur:** It’s at 22h but we’ll probably get there a little later

**Arthur:** Fashionably late is back in style

**Yann:** And it’s going to take you an extra hour to pick out your outfit

**Arthur:** Yes, that too

**Lucas:** Fine, fine. The booze had better be worth it

**Arthur:** *boys, but yes

**Lucas Lallemant has changed the group name to “I hate both of you so much :)”**

**Arthur Broussard has changed the group name to “Way harsh, Lulu”**

**Yann Cazas changed has changed the group name to “Yann and Arthur are the best.”**

**Lucas Lallemant has left the group “Yann and Arthur are the best.”**

 

**Samedi 22:47**

“What’s up bitches!” Alexia greeted Yann, Arthur, and Lucas at the door, grinning so wide Lucas was sure she was going to pull a muscle. There was already quite a few people there and Lucas felt a bit anxious about arriving at the time they did. He very much liked to be places on time or early and even though this was a party, he couldn’t help but feel his stomach twist at the thought of being so late.

Alexia pulled Lucas into a hug and he hugged her back tightly. He’d missed her presence at the school quite a bit, but she seemed to be thriving away from it, which was good. The ballet lifestyle wasn’t for everyone. Sometimes Lucas wondered what his life would be like if he was a bit more like Alexia, or even Arthur. 

He was pulled from his thoughts by Arthur’s hand gripping his arm and pulling him further into the house, aiming for drinks. Lucas pondered a moment about whether the extra calories would be worth it, but decided he could risk it for the night. It wasn’t like he drank often enough for it to cause a problem for him. 

Arthur mixed him up something that tasted awful, but that was to be expected. He downed as much of it as he could in one gulp, staying true to his plan to try to get so drunk he’d forget that he was a mess of anxiety over the casting that was due to be released in any minute. 

“Easy there, save some for the rest of us.” Arthur patted Lucas’ shoulder and refilled his drink before drifting away into the middle of the crowd. Yann stayed with Lucas, watching from afar. 

“It’s strange, huh?” Yann asked, gazing at all the people. 

Lucas turned his head up to look at Yann. “What is?”

Yann took a drink and shrugged. “The normalcy of it all. Most of the people here do things like this every weekend.”  
“Yeah,” Lucas agreed, following Yann’s stare. It was sort of weird to think about, how all of this was so normal for so many people, and such a treat for people like them. Well, maybe treat wasn’t the best word, but he didn’t know a better one. Anomaly, maybe. That’s what he felt like, at least.

“Would you like to indulge in this mirage of the ‘normal teen experience’ with me?” Yann asked, holding out a hand. Lucas laughed and rolled his eyes at the melodrama of it all, but he took Yann’s hand and allowed himself to be led for the second time that night, this time into the center of a room full of people dancing. 

He saw Imane, Daphné, Manon, and Emma dancing with Alexia in a little circle of their own making, each of them looking happy to be reunited with one of their best friends. Basile was with Arthur, the latter trying to teach Basile how to do the robot dance and failing miserably.

Imane’s brother Idriss was even there, standing in a corner chatting with Sofiane and Eliott. Wait— Eliott? What was he doing there? Lucas racked his brain to try to remember if Eliott had mentioned that he would be out that night, but Lucas quickly realized he hadn’t seen Eliott all day. He hadn’t come back to their room until nearly one in the morning the night before, going straight to bed without saying a word to Lucas, and then was gone before Lucas woke up that morning. He wasn’t complaining, but it was a bit weird. 

It still didn’t answer why Eliott was there, either. Sure, he was friends with Sofiane and Idriss, but as far as Lucas knew he and Alexia hadn’t been very close. Yann noticed Eliott at the same time Lucas did and sighed. “Ignore him, Lucas.”

_ It’s not that easy _ , he wanted to say, even though it should have been. Why was it never easy for him to ignore Eliott? Eliott happened to look his way right at that moment, locking eyes with him over the heads of a sea of people. There was a hardness in his eyes that wasn’t usually there, uncharacteristically closed off. Lucas wondered if it had anything to do with their talk a week before. They really hadn’t spoken at all since, Lucas realized.  _ Good.  _

“Let’s dance,” Lucas decided, setting his empty cup down and trying his best to sway to the beat in a manner that would constitute as normal for anyone who wasn’t training to become a ballet dancer. It was harder than he’d anticipated, and Yann was on the verge of laughing at him. “Fuck off, like you can do any better,” he spat bitterly, watching the way Yann’s eyebrows raised in amusement.

As it turned out, Yann could do better than him, which was utterly infuriating. Now he didn’t just have to worry about his actual dancing, he had to worry about stereotypical party dancing as well? 

Someone bumped his shoulder, and Lucas turned sluggishly. Maybe the alcohol was finally starting to get to him. Wow. The guy that had bumped his shoulder was kind of hot, and, judging by the way he was looking at Lucas, the bump hadn’t been an accident. 

“Sorry,” the boy said anyway, but he didn’t look it. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before. I’m Jackson, you?”

“Lucas,” Lucas replied.

“Lucas.” The boy mulled over the name a minute before smiling. “It suits you. Would you like to dance, Lucas?”

_ Not the way you want to,  _ Lucas thought to himself. There were worse things in the world than dancing with a pretty boy, of course, but then again, Jackson wasn’t even  _ that _ pretty. Not like Eliott or something. 

_ What the fuck Lucas? _ He couldn’t just go around thinking about Eliott being attractive,  _ pretty _ . Where the hell had that even come from? 

Sure, Eliott was objectively attractive, he would be an idiot not to notice, but Lucas hated him so much that normally this was just another thing to hate. Countless girls would end up falling for his wild hair and pretty eyes, unaware that their attraction had led them into the nest of a snake. 

Jackson was still looking at him hopefully, eyes green and bright. “You know what? Sure,” Lucas found himself responding, taking an outstretched hand for the third time that night and allowing himself to be swept away. 

They were playing a song he actually knew now, and it was easier for him to dance more ‘normally’, whatever the hell that meant. Yann caught his eye and winked, which made Lucas blush. Jackson noticed Lucas blushing and blushed back, giving Lucas a small twirl. Maybe Arthur had been right, maybe he could pretend to fall in love for a night and let things happen as they so often did when one was young and stupid and drunk. 

Lucas was feeling a bit more bold, so he brought his hands up around Jackson’s neck. There were some perks to being short, after all. Jackson blushed even harder at this, leaning closer very hesitantly. 

“I think you’re very beautiful Lucas,” Jackson said quietly. Lucas couldn’t find words to respond so he just smiled. Something about it felt real, something about it felt fake. It wasn’t every day a boy called him beautiful, but the flutter in his stomach that should have accompanied an admission like this wasn’t there. 

Jackson leaned closer still. “Can I kiss you?”

Lucas found himself nodding, wanting to feel something for a boy that he should have been feeling everything for. 

Their lips met softly at first, Jackson letting Lucas take the lead, pull back if he wanted to. He wanted to, and he didn’t. He wanted to be kissed, he realized, but for some reason Jackson wasn’t giving him the kiss he hadn’t known he was longing for. 

It wasn’t a bad kiss, quite the contrary, but it didn’t make Lucas feel like he was flying, like he was  _ alive _ . Granted, Lucas had never had a kiss like that, but he’d hoped it would happen sooner rather than later. 

Another thing he realized while kissing Jackson was that he couldn’t do the one-time hookup thing. Maybe it worked for other people, but he couldn’t just be intimate like that with someone with no sort of follow up. It was all or nothing, something that kind of carried over to his life as a dancer as well. 

Having a boyfriend would probably be nice, but Lucas couldn’t stand the ‘talking’ phase, wondering if a person actually likes you or if they’re just being nice or if they just want one thing from you, so he’d settled for nothing at all, not even bothering to try to look. As far as he knew, Arthur was the only boy in his year that wasn’t straight anyway and that was just too weird to think about, so what was the point in trying? Looking elsewhere was impossible, he was too involved in ballet to care about anything outside it. 

He was vaguely aware that he and Jackson were still kissing. 

They broke apart after an eternity and Lucas was met by a look of utter adoration. Jackson really was beautiful himself, but if being looked at like that couldn’t stir something inside Lucas, this whole thing was fruitless. He blinked and when he opened his eyes again he was staring right at Eliott again, who was staring back. 

The expression Eliott wore wasn’t as blank as it had been before, but Lucas still couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. Not that he wanted to. 

“I’m going to go to the bathroom,” Lucas said abruptly. Jackson blinked, then smiled. 

“Do you want me to come with?” he asked.

Lucas laughed and hoped it didn’t sound as harsh as it felt in his mind. “No, no. I actually really have to piss.”

“I see,” Jackson laughed, releasing Lucas, “See you in a bit?”

Lucas couldn’t force himself to answer, choosing instead to smile before rushing off to the bathroom. Once inside he caught a look at himself in the mirror and was struck dumb by the sight. He didn’t look great, to say the least. The bags around his eyes looked deeper than they had been an hour before, his hair was disheveled from Jackson running his hands through it, and his eyes looked wide and shocked. 

He’d barely locked eyes with the mirror longer than a few seconds before he was bent over the toilet bowl, spilling everything he’d drank back out the way it came. He hated vomiting, hated it so much. 

There was something about the lack of control he felt with his head in the toilet that made him begin to shake, barely able to breathe between spurts of throwing up, tears starting to stream down his cheeks involuntarily. The shaking wouldn’t stop and he was barely able to grip the toilet seat properly, almost banging his heat on it when his hands slipped. He allowed himself to collapse face down on the floor, curled into a fetal position on the mat in front of the toilet, silently screaming inside his mind. 

He felt like he was in one of those dreams where something is chasing you and you open your mouth to scream but nothing comes out or you move your legs to run but stay in place. He blinked quickly and frequently, trying to figure out if his vision was actually spotting or if he was just blinking so much it seemed that way. 

He didn’t know how much longer he stayed on the floor like that, lungs screaming for breaths he couldn’t take properly, mind screaming at him for being so stupid as to allow himself to get drunk to the point of vomiting in the first place. Had he even been that drunk? He didn’t think so, he could still stand straight and think straight for the most part. 

When he finally felt like he could possibly sit up, seeing more than just blurs of darkness at last, he took a deep breath, grunting into a seated position. He rested his head back against the wall and pulled his knees up to ground himself further. His phone lit up beside him and he saw that it was past midnight, which meant that the casting had to be up by then. He’d been so preoccupied with the façade of normalcy he’d forgotten what he had put on the façade for. 

Immediately, he was sober, all remnants of everything that had just happened clearing from his system. Indeed, when he checked his email, there was a message from the director with the cast list. He closed his eyes before clicking on it, praying to any deities that might be listening. 

 

** SWAN LAKE CAST LIST **

 

ODETTE - MANON DEMISSY

PRINCE SIEGFRIED - ELIOTT DEMAURY

BARON VON ROTHBART - SOFIANE ALAOUI

ODILE - MANON DEMISSY

BENNO VON SOMMERSTERN- YANN CAZAS

WOLFGANG - JULIAN DAHL

QUEEN MOTHER - DAPHNÉ LECOMTE

CYGNETS - EMMA BORGÈS, INGRID SPIELMAN, CHLOÉ FARGE-JEANSON, IMANE 

BAKHELLAL

CORPS DE BALLET* - EMMA BORGÈS, IMANE BAKHELLAL, ARTHUR BROUSSARD, MARIA LANIER, LUCAS LALLEMANT, INGRID SPIELMAN, SARAH BUI, CHLOÉ FARGE-JEANSON, VALERIE THOMAS, JACQUELINE PAGE, LEIA BISSET, CHANTAL MARCHAND   

UNDERSTUDY TO ODETTE/ODILE - IMANE BAKHELLAL

UNDERSTUDY TO PRINCE SIEGFRIED - LUCAS LALLEMANT

UNDERSTUDY TO BARON VON ROTHBART - ARTHUR BROUSSARD

 

_ *Some dancers in the corps may be selected for secondary roles to be established during rehearsals; understudies will be expected to practice alongside their counterparts for the majority of the rehearsals, filling spots in the corps only once they have perfected the roles they understudy. _

 

**REHEARSAL SCHEDULES WILL BE IN YOUR INBOXES BY 23:59 SUNDAY NIGHT.**

 

Lucas’ phone fell from his hands in a dull clatter. He’d failed. An understudy.  _ An understudy _ . Eliott’s understudy. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he didn’t stop them from falling. He’d earned these tears, would let them flow freely as they wished until he had to return to the party and pretend his dreams hadn’t been crushed once again. 

He was unsurprised by Manon’s role, and happy for Yann. Yann was never really singled out either, so this would probably come as a welcome surprise to him. Julian must have been the dancer from the year below them that had made it into the show, so Lucas didn’t totally know what to think about that yet. Arthur was an understudy, just like him, but he didn’t think Arthur would be too upset about it. There was no possibility of Sofiane having to back out from his role, so Arthur would just have more free time on his hands. Imane was in a similar situation to Lucas, but she was also one of the cygnets, performing the famous ‘Little Swans’ pas de quatre, so she’d get an opportunity to shine regardless. 

His phone was buzzing continually, filling with messages from Yann, Arthur, and Manon. He didn’t bother to read any of them, knowing they all held condolences and not wanting to deal with it. Turning his phone on silent, then turning it off completely, he slowly made his way to standing, bracing himself up against the counter as he looked directly into the mirror again. 

The tears were gone from his face, but there was a hollow look in his eyes that everyone would see right through. He splashed a bit of water on his face and forced a smile, trying to look every bit as nonchalant as he would be expected to look. He could fall apart in the privacy of this bathroom, but he couldn’t be a sore loser out amongst the throngs of people. From their point of view, he was probably lucky to be an understudy. At least he’d get to practice for the role he’d dreamed of, right?

Stumbling back out into the party, the low lighting made it difficult to see at first, which made for a good excuse when he pretended not to see Yann, Arthur, and Basile huddled together in conversation. It was improbable that they were talking about the casting, but it was hard for him to think that they weren’t. Maybe he was just being narcissistic, but it felt like everyone there was looking at him with pity. He had to get out of there. 

Jackson caught his eye and smiled, raising one eyebrow suggestively, but Lucas ignored him, brushing past without a word towards the door. He cast one last glance around the room before leaving, gaze landing on a pair of eyes he hadn’t realized he’d been searching to find. 

Eliott looked at him not like he’d won, and Lucas had lost, but like he understood exactly what Lucas was feeling in that moment. It was unnerving, but Lucas couldn’t look away. Something passed between the two of them, something that Lucas might have considered further if he hadn’t been completely defeated. Lucas finally broke the stare, looking down at his feet before glancing back up to find that Eliott was still looking at him. It felt like they could communicate without words again like they used to.  _ Are you ok? _

No, Lucas wasn’t ok, but he found himself nodding. Eliott gave him a small smile that should have been infuriating, but it was comforting. It was a true testament to how out of it he was that he didn’t feel disgusted by the fact that he’d found comfort in Eliott’s smile. Maybe he would tomorrow, but for tonight, it was exactly what he needed.  _ Thank you _ .

Lucas barely had time to register the surprise in Eliott’s eyes before he was out the door, wandering aimlessly through the streets until he found his way back to school. If he stopped on the way home to scream and punch a fence, bloodying his hand to the point of tears, he didn’t have the mind to care. If he collapsed onto his bed without setting an alarm to wake up to work out in the morning, he didn’t give a shit. Let lives of perfection be left to those who had earned it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	5. v.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls remember i don't actually attend this school and i know jack shit about the actual layout lol
> 
> thank u so much for all the comments and such so far <33 
> 
> tw: mentions of past child abuse

**Lundi 7:00**

“Lucas? Lucas? You need to get up.”

Lucas was jolted awake by a soft melodic voice giving way to bright blue-gray eyes. They were beautiful eyes, really, so beautiful… 

Then Lucas realized who the eyes belonged to. 

“What are you doing in my room?” He could and  _ would _ ignore the fact his sleepy brain had decided Eliott’s eyes were beautiful. Pretty as they may have been, pretty eyes didn’t make up for the fact that he was a dick. 

“It’s seven. Rehearsals start at eight, and I honestly thought you were up and out already, otherwise I would have woken you earlier. Leads and understudies have to be at practice at seven thirty,” Eliott explained patiently, which made Lucas feel a bit like he was being talked down to. 

He laid back down. “I’m sick.”

“No you’re not.”

“You can’t just tell me that I’m not sick.”

“Yes I can.”

Lucas glared at Eliott with all the loathing he could muster, but Eliott would not be dissuaded. He continued, “If you don’t show up, they’ll give your role to someone else, someone who doesn’t deserve it, and you won’t even be in the show at all.”

“I already won’t be in the show. That’s what understudy means, remember? Or have you forgotten, since the position is so beneath you?” Lucas pointed out. 

Eliott shrugged and stood up from where he sat on the edge of Lucas’ bed. “Of all the things I was expecting from you, defeat wasn’t one of them. A sandbag dropped on my head would have seemed more up your alley. I gave you yesterday to mope around, but this is ridiculous. Guess I had you wrong after all.”

Oh, that was it. How  _ dare _ Eliott pretend that he knew him at all. “You don’t know a thing about me,” he said, throwing off his comforter and ignoring the way Eliott’s eyes went wide when he noticed Lucas was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. He tried not to think about the reason Eliott might have looked at him that way. Was he that unattractive? Was he out of shape? He immediately regretted lying in his bed sulking the entire day prior, he should have been in the studio. 

Something had snapped inside him, flipped a switch and made him realize that, while this situation was nowhere near ideal, he would still work at it like he’d actually gotten the lead. Maybe if he impressed enough in rehearsals the director would realize he’d made a mistake in the casting. It was wishful thinking, but stranger things had happened. “Can you leave now?” Lucas asked, not even bothering to sound polite. 

Eliott scrambled up immediately, face red for reasons Lucas didn’t care enough to worry about. “And by the way,” he added, one hand braced to close the door, “Poisoning you would be more my style.”

He didn’t miss the way Eliott grinned as the door closed, but didn’t dwell on it. Let Eliott think he’d won, that he’d swooped in to save the day and snap Lucas out of his stupor. Having him vulnerable might work to Lucas’ advantage, actually.

Lucas finished getting ready as quickly as possible, annoyed to find Eliott waiting for him in the kitchen, a croissant waiting on a plate. Lucas raised his eyebrows at Eliott, then at the pastry. “That’s not for me?”

“Well, yeah,” Eliott said, “I already had one.”

Lucas hummed, grabbing his bag and water bottle, the latter of which Eliott had apparently filled for him. “You really think I’m going to eat that after I just told you how I’d get rid of you if I wanted you gone from the show?”

Eliott laughed as if Lucas had been trying to be funny, but it didn’t reach his eyes. There was a crease between his brows that was a bit too concerned for Lucas’ liking. He left before Eliott could speak further or try to walk with him to practice. Besides, they weren’t fashionably late yet, and Lucas knew that was Eliott’s style.

Yet, much to his disappointment, Eliott caught up with him rather quickly. He fell into step beside Lucas, looking at him with a frown. “I waited for  _ you _ ,” he said in a manner that nearly made Lucas curl his lip in disgust. As if he owed Eliott  _ anything _ .

“Cool!” Lucas exclaimed in false interest, picking up his pace.

“It might make you look better to walk in with me,” Eliott added, catching up. Lucas stopped in his tracks, pivoting slowly to face Eliott. 

He took a step closer. “Listen, I know you think you’re better than everyone, especially me. I get that, I’m over it, but if you think I’m going to let you manipulate me, you’re dead wrong. I don’t care what you do with your life or your ballet career, but just stay the hell away from me, all right?”

Eliott blinked in surprise, taking half a step back. Lucas couldn’t help but feel a surge of satisfaction. “I’m not trying to manipulate you, Lucas. I was joking—”

“I thought jokes were supposed to be funny?” Lucas cocked his head to the side, walking backwards away from Eliott, who stood frozen in the middle of the hallway. “Guess you’re not good at everything after all!”

Lucas was riding the high of finally putting Eliott in his place so much so that he almost ran into Imane as he walked into the studio. She looked at him curiously, probably wondering why he all of a sudden had a spring in his step when he hadn’t responded to any of her messages all weekend. He felt kind of bad about it since she was basically in the same situation he was. 

“Morning?” she tested hesitantly.

“Morning,” he answered with more vigor than the greeting required. The two of them placed their bags beside one another, changing into their ballet shoes in his case, pointe shoes in hers. She looked up at him curiously as she tied the ribbons on her shoes. “You didn’t meet up with Manon this morning,” she stated. 

Shoot. He’d known he’d blown off his morning workout routine, but he forgot that he hadn’t told Manon he would be doing so. She had probably been waiting for him bright and early for no reason, it wasn’t like she needed the extra practice. “Fuck. How mad is she?” he asked.

“She’s not mad, just worried. I was half expecting you not to show up this morning.” He probably would have been offended had her statement not been accurate. “But, truth to be told, I knew Eliott wouldn’t let that happen.”

His head shot up. “What does Eliott have to do with anything?”

“Besides everything?”

He rolled his eyes. He was really sick of everyone acting like Eliott was the be-all end-all of every aspect of their lives at the school, or just life in general. She sighed in exasperation, mumbling under her breath, “You don’t even know…” 

Maybe he didn’t, but he also didn’t care enough to ask her what she meant. “Listen,” he said, “We’re probably going to be partners from here on out, so I just have one request: please, please can we not talk about Eliott? I’ve wasted so much time hating him that I should have spent focusing on ballet.” Not that Lucas wouldn’t still hate Eliott, he’s just do it more quietly. 

Imane finished tying her shoes and stood up beside him. “Lucas, you’re understudying the role of a lifetime. You’ve worked harder than anyone I know. Not everything is about your obsession with Eliott, maybe he just had a really great audition.”

“I’m not  _ obsessed _ —”

“You are, that part wasn’t up for debate. I’m all for not talking about Eliott and focusing on the tasks at hand, but you’re always the one who brings him up in conversation.” She gave him a pointed look, the likes of which he ignored by pretending to fix his hair in the mirror. 

_ Maybe  _ she had a point, but that didn’t matter. If he talked about Eliott a lot, it was only because Eliott had done something that required talking about. He shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for talking about things that bothered him.

“Hey.” She snapped in front of his face. “I’m not saying any of this to make you feel bad or anything, but you say you want to focus solely on ballet, and that’s what I want to do too. Ok?” She held her fist out to him, and he waited a moment before grinning and tapping it with his. 

“Ok.” He cast a glance around the room. Only the leads and their understudies had been called in a half hour before everyone else, so the room was far emptier than it normally was. For a minute Lucas could pretend that he was there after being cast as the lead, ready for the challenge of the spotlight. 

Then, the director addressed them all, shattering those fantasies as quickly as they’d formed. He spoke to them about their rehearsal schedules, what would be required of them in the coming months, and how the rest of their schedule would adjust to account for show rehearsals. Lucas listened attentively, committing everything said to memory. They had an allowance of three unexcused missed rehearsals before the would have to speak to the director or a doctor, five before their role was in jeopardy. It was more than Lucas had been expecting, though he knew he probably wouldn’t be missing any rehearsals anyways.

Imane and Lucas took their places behind Manon and Eliott when the director had finished speaking, sharing a look that said they were in this together. Maybe it wasn’t exactly what either of them had wanted, but they would make it work. If anything, they’d be the best damn understudies the Paris Opera Ballet School had ever seen. 

 

**Mercredi 19:34**

Lucas should have been rehearsing, he knew that, but he was tired and unmotivated. He’d booked the studio until nine, but they hadn’t been given so much choreography yet that he really needed all the extra time to practice. He should probably go back to his room and start working on homework from his online courses, but sometimes sitting in the silence of an otherwise empty studio was comforting to him.

Studio three was always his favorite, though it was rarely used for classes. It was one of the smaller studios, but the wall with the barre was lined with windows looking out on the city. When he stood in front of the mirror it looked like he was dancing on top of the city, or maybe surrounded by it. It could be distracting to some, which was why they rarely ever used the room, but lucas found it beautiful, especially at night. The eiffel tower was twinkling in the distance, lights of cars and buildings bringing the stars down to earth. 

He looked around the room from where he’s simply been sitting on the floor, gazing out the window. There was a piano in the corner of the room, as there was in all the studios for the accompanists to play for them during class. Hardly anyone knew Lucas played piano, and no one knew that sometimes he would sit in the studio and play rather than practice. 

Playing helped him ease some of the tension in his mind, the notes translating a sense of sublime solitude and taking him to a world entirely his own. Lucas had always been of the opinion that an infinite number of parallel universes existed and playing piano made him feel like his universe was the best one out there, even though sometimes he felt like his universe was the worst one.

He hadn’t even consciously made the decision to move over to the piano, but there he was, sliding onto the bench, lifting the cover off the keys and pressing his fingers down lightly. The great things about the studio pianos was that they were always in tune, the sounds they emitted were crisp and pure, blending together seamlessly or separating intentionally depending on the piece being played. 

Lucas was no composer, but maybe he could have been in a different universe. Maybe he could have been in this one, if ballet hadn’t enraptured him so young in life. The way that some people could improvise while dancing was reflected in the way he played the instrument. Piano was the thing that came most naturally to him, even more naturally than dancing. Every time he played he thought that this must be what dancing felt like to Manon or Eliott and it made it a little harder to hate and blame Eliott for everything he had done. 

The music poured out of him, slowly, then quickly, then slow again, fingers flitting over the keys with a reckless abandon that he usually would have tried to contain. He couldn’t do that right now, though, he wanted to revel in something that he was really,  _ really _ good at. 

A lot of times, when he was playing, he stopped thinking, mind going completely blank, not caring about anything but the sounds emitting from the piano. Now, though, his mind took him back to another time he’d played just as freely, quite a long time ago. 

It was the summer before he started at the ballet school, and his mother had been having a lot of trouble with her mental health. The only way he used to know how to calm her down was by playing the piano, and soon it became a way for him to calm himself down too.

He’d been playing the piano that night, the night that things had changed quite a bit for him. He’d been playing for her, until she fell asleep on the couch behind him, then playing for himself, trying to forget that soon he wouldn’t be able to play for her at all. He was excited for school, he really was, but he’d never been away from his mother for so long, what if she forgot about him?

Too wrapped up in the music he played, Lucas missed the sound of footsteps on the wood floor, missed the sound of heavy breathing and cracking knuckles. His father had been a kind man, once. He must have been for a woman as kind and gentle as his mother to fall in love with him. Unfortunately, time wore away at smiles and hearts full of love the same way it wore away at the hair on a head or wrinkles on skin. 

It was past Lucas’ bedtime, but his mother had been only too happy to allow him extra time at the piano, likely thinking she’d still have him in bed before his father arrived home. Lucas shouldn’t have been awake, he shouldn’t have been in the way, but he was. 

When his head his the ground as he was uprooted from his home on the piano bench, he thought he must have fallen off. Maybe he’d gotten tired playing and started to fall asleep. But the impact was too hard, too purposeful, and it left him breathless and dazed. 

When Lucas opened his eyes and saw his father above him, he expected a hand, or a smile. He expected his father to ask how he’d fallen off the bench, or to pick him up and carry him to bed, whispering words of comfort into his hair, the way his mother always did when he fell down. 

He didn’t expect a swift blow to his side, a face he thought he was supposed to love and was supposed to love him burning bright red with a rage Lucas’ small mind couldn’t find the justification for. It was the first of these instances, and Lucas had been foolish enough to believe it would be the last.   

This year, his last year, was the first year Lucas had come to school without bruises he couldn’t explain, questions he couldn’t answer.

“I didn’t know you still played.”

Lucas withdrew from his trance, feeling the hot press of a tear sliding down his face. He wiped it away as hastily as he could, trying to be subtle about it. 

Eliott’s frame leaned lazily against the doorframe, eyes bright even from across the room. Lucas let his hands fall to his sides, looking back down at the keys. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

“You’re right.” Eliott shrugged and stepped into the room, eyes never leaving Lucas, even for a moment. “I used to know everything about you.”

Lucas blinked up at him. He almost said  _ I used to know everything about you too _ . Eliott heard the words, unspoken as they were. He sat next to Lucas on the piano bench, and Lucas wondered briefly how the two of them both fit on the bench, noticing he’d moved over to make room for Eliott without realizing it.

“It was amazing,” Eliott said. Lucas didn’t say anything back, but he couldn’t tear his gaze away from Eliott’s as he spoke again, “And surprising.”

“I guess I have some talent after all,” Lucas said, more breathlessly than he’d intended. 

“Who ever told you that you didn’t?” Eliott inquired seriously. If he hadn’t been knocked off balance by Eliott’s abrupt arrival and the memory he’d interrupted, Lucas probably would have laughed in his face. 

Lucas placed the cover back over the keys, tearing his gaze away at last, but he didn’t move. “What are you doing here?”

Eliott shrugged. “I heard the music.”

“All the way from the suites?”

“You’re not the only one who checks out studio time, you know.” There was a small smile on Eliott’s face now, like he was enjoying the conversation. It was this small detail that brought Lucas back into himself. 

He blinked a few times. “Right, I can’t believe I almost forgot how much better of a ballet dancer you are.”

Eliott frowned. “I never said anything about being better than you?”

“But it was implied. I’ve been sitting here playing the piano while you’ve been rehearsing. I’ve been slacking while you’ve been getting better, not that you need to.”  _ Great job, Lucas, fill his inflated head with more compliments why don’t you?  _

“I don’t know,” Eliott sighed, “I wouldn’t consider this slacking. This is a gift. I can’t do with dance what you can do with a piano.”

Why was Eliott being nice to him? Was this his new way to try to psych Lucas out? “What do you want from me?” he asked in exasperation. There was only so much guessing he could do and, frankly, he just didn’t have the energy to deal with it at the moment. 

Eliott’s eyebrows shot together. “Nothing?”

“Bullshit.”

“Why is that bullshit?”

“You haven’t given a shit about me for eight years, but now, all of a sudden, when I’m your understudy you pop by to compliment me? If this is your way of trying to get me to quit ballet or something, try again,” Lucas spat. 

Eliott’s face hardened. “Not everything is about you Lucas. I didn’t even know it was you playing the music, I was going to come by and listen regardless. When people have that much passion for something, they deserve an audience, or at least a single person who will appreciate them.”

Lucas stood abruptly. Whatever lies Eliott was spinning were too much for him. Eliott hadn’t seemed to think Lucas deserved that same appreciation when he danced, and Lucas knew that the passion was there too. 

Without a backward glance, Lucas gathered his things and walked out of the studio. It didn’t matter that he still had the studio booked for two hours. Let Eliott use up those hours for his  _ passion _ , or whatever. 

Eliott didn’t say a word as he left, didn’t try to follow him out. Lucas wasn’t even sure what time he returned to their room, as he’d locked himself inside his room as soon as he’d gotten back. 

He laid awake staring at the ceiling far longer than he should have, but he’d long since given up on telling his brain what to do when it came to sleep. Sometimes it was infuriating to live as such, sleep coming only when it was almost too late to help him in any way. It had become more of a nuisance, really, than a necessity. Yann had always expressed concerns about Lucas’ sleeping habits, or lack thereof, but it wasn’t like he had any control over the matter. If Lucas had his way he’d be able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat earlier in the night so he wouldn’t be as tired in the mornings.   

When sleep finally did come, he let it pull him under, dreaming of playing the piano, a boy with beautiful blue-gray eyes by his side, gazing at him with a look that said all the words Lucas had yearned to hear. 

When he woke up, he didn’t remember dreaming at all. 

 

**Vendredi 14:28**

Something didn’t feel right. The lights were too bright, everyone was talking too fast, or maybe they were talking too quietly. Lucas couldn’t hear them. Were they talking about him, or did they also notice that something was off?

Maybe his mind was just too preoccupied to grasp everything going on that day. To make up for his time spent on the piano Wednesday, Lucas booked the studio again the day before, working himself until he was able to fall asleep the moment his head hit the mattress that night. It hardly ever happened, but he’d been so grateful for the drooping of his eyes that he’d given in without a second thought. He’d also successfully avoided Eliott since Wednesday night, a feat he had to clap himself on the back for. 

There had been conversation of another party that weekend, but Lucas didn’t think he was up to it this time. Remembering the taste of Jackson’s lips on his did nothing but make him feel a bit sick to his stomach, and he really didn’t want to be goaded into finding a hookup for the night again, or to have another panic attack in the bathroom of a house that was unfamiliar to him. 

Plus, drinking would be sure to set him back in classes, filling him up and emptying him out in ways he couldn’t afford to be filled and emptied. He really didn’t know how Arthur did it, weekend after weekend. Somehow he always came back to classes Monday morning with a jovial grin on his face and his entire demeanor intact, nothing lasting of the nights he’d spent too drunk or high to think straight. 

Lucas envied him for this, finding it deplorable in the same breath. Yann had more or less relented in his pestering about getting out and about, knowing some of the details of what happened last time. He hadn’t pressed beyond what Lucas was comfortable sharing, but he knew that Yann got the gist of it and wouldn’t bother him about it any further. 

Yann really was the best friend he’d ever had. He was in the midst of learning the choreography for his role, looking focused and precise. Normally, Lucas would have looked the same, but something was in the air that day, making it more difficult than ever. 

The choreography was impossible to grasp, and it wasn’t even that complex. They were working through some sequences for the corps that day, but his mind couldn’t catch up to what the instructor was saying or to what he was supposed to be doing. 

Everything had been fine when he’d woken up, when he’d gone on his run, when he’d warmed up with Imane, but it had all progressively gone downhill. Was it just him, or was the room so, so hot?

“Lucas?” 

His head shot up, or maybe it didn’t. Was he looking in the right direction? The instructor’s mouth was moving soundlessly, and the lights were dimming. The sun itself was dimming. That shouldn’t have been possible, the day was only about half over. Had rehearsals gone by so quickly? Maybe the instructor was telling him that it was time to pack up and go home for the day. 

When he tried to move his feet to walk over to his bag, he found that he couldn’t really feel them. His mind and body felt equally paralyzed and he didn’t know if he was moving at all or if he was standing in the same spot he’d been standing the entire time. 

Oh. Oh no.

“ _ Lucas! _ ” That voice was very familiar. He wondered what they were worried about. He couldn’t see anymore, faintly aware that he was sprawled on the ground. It felt nice, if he was being honest. The darkness in front of him was reaching inside now, threatening to envelop him entirely, wiping his consciousness clean of any thought or feeling. 

He knew he probably shouldn’t have, but he let it swallow him whole. 

Oh, how good it felt to slip into that sweet, sweet oblivion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	6. vi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: eating disorder, implied/referenced self harm and suicidal ideation, depressive episode
> 
> take care of yourselves <33

**Samedi 11:47**

When would Lucas ever stop embarrassing himself? He couldn’t believe that he’d actually passed out in the middle of rehearsals. Now none of the instructors would ever take him seriously again, they would think he was incapable of handling all that came with being a ballet dancer. He could only imagine what all the other students thought. Luckily, his friends had been nice about it, but the people he didn’t know as well surely saw this as a sign of his weakness. 

He’d been in the infirmary since he collapsed in class, much to his displeasure. He’d awoken briefly after collapsing in class, finding himself in a bed in the infirmary with Manon and Yann beside him. He had reassured them he was fine before the nurse told them to leave and let him rest. The nurse had said he would be allowed to return to his room around noon, and the clock was ticking, so he hoped she would make good on her promise and let him leave. 

The good news, he supposed, was that she’d given him something to help him sleep the night before so he felt more well rested than he had in a very long time. He wondered if she would be able to give him some to go. 

“Eh, Isak, was it?” the nurse appeared in front of him, holding a clipboard. He sat up a bit groggily and looked at her in confusion.

“No? It’s—”

She cut him off with a hand. “No, no, I’ve got it! Matteo?” He shook his head. “Martino?” Blank stare. “Cris? Robbe?” she tried, looking more unsure of herself. “Shay?”

Wasn’t that a girl’s name? “Lucas. It’s Lucas,” he said, before she could interrupt him again.

She tapped her head with her clipboard as if it should have been obvious. “Lucas! Of course! That was my next guess. Lucas… van Der Heijden, was it?” 

Had she taken a dose of his sleep medication too? “Lallemant.”

“Ah, almost got it!” she cried with a wide grin, one that he did not return. Instead, he asked, point blank, “Can I go now?” 

She read a few things on her clipboard before looking back up at him. “Well, I don’t see why not! Are you feeling better?”

“Much,” he said, and he didn’t even have to lie. 

She bit the corner of her lip and opened her mouth, closing it once before meeting his eyes. “And you, um, you know that you can’t keep doing that, right?” 

“Doing what?”

“Not eating… not sleeping…” she trailed off, looking uncomfortable. His stomach swirled anxiously. Who was she to say that he hadn’t been eating or sleeping? Besides, it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t sleep, and, as far as eating went, he would do what he pleased, no matter what bullshit she had to say about it. 

He shrugged. “I can’t help it that I can’t fall asleep.”

“How long has this been a problem for you?” she asked, suddenly serious. He shrugged again. “I don’t know,” he answered, “Long as I can remember.”

She furrowed her brows, biting her lip in concentration as she looked at him. “Have you considered talking to someone about your insomnia? Someone who can help you sort through your thoughts?”

“No.” He took a deep breath. That was for people who had  _ actual _ problems to deal with, not people like him. So what if he couldn’t fall asleep super quickly? It wasn’t like he was the only one that had ever happened to. 

“Maybe you should,” she suggested, “I can recommend you someone in the area who specializes in sleep and eating disorders.” 

He prickled at her words. “I don’t have an eating disorder,” he said adamantly.

“Yes, Lucas, you do.” The bluntness of her words startled him. He wondered if maybe her visage of incompetence earlier had been an act. “You can’t go weeks without eating and think that something isn’t wrong.”

“I haven’t gone weeks without eating,” he argued. He faintly recalled eating half a salad a few days before, a few crackers the day before that. There was a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him not to eat, that he would be better, look better, do better, if he didn’t, and he couldn’t deny that it was probably right, especially because listening to that voice had gotten him noticed,  _ finally _ , the year before.

“Lucas, how long has eating been a problem for you?” she asked, ignoring his rebuttal completely. 

“Eating has never been a problem for me,” he said stubbornly, crossing his arms.

She sighed, but relented, handing him a piece of paper off her clipboard. “For the next week I want you to catalogue every single thing you eat or drink for me, along with the times you’re falling asleep and waking up. I want to help you, Lucas, but you have to be willing to accept my help. I know that you want a repeat of what happened yesterday just as much as I do.”

He didn’t say anything, but took the paper from her. If worse came to worst, he could just lie, write down whatever it was that she wanted. “Can I go now?”

She nodded. “Yes, but Lucas? Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need help with  _ anything  _ at all. And please do what I’ve told you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it will help in the long run.”

He blocked out her words for the most part, responding with a nod and a smile to appease her before getting the hell out of there. It was a bit strange, how the lighting in the building even looked a bit different now that he was well rested. 

The door to his suite was unlocked when he tried the handle, which meant that Eliott was probably there. With any luck, he was either still asleep or wrapped up in studying. The moment the door swung open, though, Lucas realized that wasn’t the case. 

Eliott looked like shit. Lucas winced, wondering if this was what he looked like all the time. His hair was flopped down into his eyes, gravity winning at last, his eyes were dull and surrounded by dark circles, and he was wearing a frown that looked so out of place on his normally bright and joyful face. He sprung up from the couch as Lucas entered. 

“Hey. How are you?” he asked nervously. The only explanation Lucas could think of was that Eliott thought he’d died and was surprised to see him alive and well. 

“Fine,” Lucas answered casually, folding the paper the nurse had given him neatly in half. Eliott nodded, mostly to himself. “Did the nurse say why… is anything wrong?” Eliott prompted. 

Lucas pursed his lips. “No. Not that it would be any of your business if there was a problem.”

“But she knows about your eating d— um, food issues, right?” Eliott was stumbling over his words in a way he usually never did. Lucas was too annoyed by the entire situation to care too much about it. 

“I don’t have any food issues,” Lucas said, trying not to give anything away on his face. He didn’t. Really. The nurse didn’t know what she was talking about. 

Eliott’s hands clenched into fists for a moment, relaxing when he noticed Lucas noticing. “Don’t bullshit me, Lucas. You never have and I’m not going to let you start now.”

“I don’t care what you want to  _ let me _ do—”

“For fuck’s sake, Lucas, I’m serious!” Eliott yelled, stunning Lucas into silence. Eliott raked a hand through his hair, looking up to the ceiling as if trying to find answers there before looking back into Lucas’ wide eyes. When he spoke again, his voice was back to its usual calm, collected tone. “I was really fucking worried. So please,  _ please,  _ just tell me what’s going on so I can help.”

The thing was, Lucas really didn’t want or need Eliott’s help, but he also knew Eliott would see right through his lies. He tried to play it as cool as he could. “She told me to catalogue what I eat and how long I sleep everyday on this piece of paper or whatever. No big deal. It won’t be hard, because I already eat and sleep a lot, so…” Maybe the last part was a bit of a lie, but he wasn’t going to tell Eliott  _ everything _ . He still hated him, even if he was pretending to care about Lucas for the time being. 

“Oh,” Eliott said in surprise, putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans, “Want me to help? We can leave it out here or hang it on the fridge or something.” 

Lucas furrowed his brows. “No?”

“Why not?” Eliott sounded genuinely curious. 

Lucas held his gaze for a moment. “I’ve got this Eli,” he said warily. Eliott’s eyes widened just as Lucas realized what he’d said.  _ Shit shit shit shit shit _ . It had been years since he’d even  _ thought _ of Eliott as Eli, what the hell was wrong with him? 

“—ott,” he added with a cough, far too late. “Eliott.”

Eliott was still so dumbfounded that he let Lucas pass by and walk into his room without complaint. Lucas shut the door as he usually did, just more gently than usual. Once the door was closed, however, he threw the paper the nurse had given him on his bedside table and clenched his hair in his fists, his mind a silent chorus of  _ fuck fuck fuck _ . 

He needed to get a grip on himself, and quickly. He was thankful that this whole ordeal had happened on a Friday, because then he hardly had to miss classes and, if he did, they were excused, but if he didn’t get control back things would end up worse than he wanted them to. Sure, maybe he should eat more, he could do that. Eat enough that he wouldn’t pass out but not so much that he’d fall behind in his training. That was manageable. 

Sleep was the hard part, but maybe if he went back to the nurse he would be able to get pills to help or something. He hated the idea of relying on medication for something as simple as sleep, then hated himself for feeling revulsion in the first place. If he thought long and hard about it, there was probably a reason he hated the idea so much, probably a reason that related back to his mother, but he didn’t think long and hard, so everything was ok. 

He flopped back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling. The nurse had told him the night before that he wasn’t allowed to book any extra studio practices the entire week, which was bullshit. Relax, she’d said, it will be like a little vacation. It didn’t feel like a vacation, but at least now he had no excuse not to do his online classwork. 

Getting lost in the ‘principles of biological anthropology’ didn’t sound as much fun as getting lost in his movement, no matter how much he enjoyed science, but it would have to suffice for the time being. 

It actually did, for a while, until there was a note slipped under his door. 

_ I made dinner. You don’t have to eat with me, but you have to eat, so I left you some on the counter. I’ll go in my room whenever you want to come out and eat it.  -Eliott  _

There was something at the end of the note that Eliott had so thoroughly scribbled out Lucas had a hard time trying to read it, finally giving up after a good ten minutes of trying. He sighed, knowing he couldn’t ignore the note as much as he wanted to. 

Groaning, he opened his door, meeting Eliott’s surprised eyes, fork halfway to his mouth. Eliott nodded to the bowl beside where he sat. “I’ll go, I’m practically done anyway.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Lucas said, surprising both of them. Quickly, he added, “I mean, you’re almost done anyway, so…” 

“Ok,” Eliott responded, corner of his mouth twisting up in an attempt at a friendly smile. Lucas pretended he hadn’t seen, taking the other bowl from Eliott and sitting beside him. He was surprised to find the makings of some kind of salad. He’d assumed Eliott would go straight for a huge meal to spite Lucas. 

Lucas took a hesitant bite, noticing the way Eliott was trying to pretend he wasn’t watching him. It was pretty good, actually, it tasted like his favorite salad from the café down the street. Actually, maybe it was from the café down the street. “You made this?” he asked Eliott, breaking the tense silence he hadn’t realized was thick in the room. 

“Um,” Eliott answered, and Lucas couldn’t help but laugh. Eliott looked offended. “I could have, but Yann mentioned you liked this kind of salad so… whatever.” His cheeks were red and Lucas was still laughing. 

“Thanks,” Lucas said, catching his breath. He was surprised to find that he meant it. 

“Anytime,” Eliott answered, slightly shocked. 

They ate the rest of their food in silence, but this was a companionable sort of silence, a kind that said two people were comfortable in each other’s presence. It scared the hell out of Lucas.

 

**Lundi 8:01**

Lucas cast a glance around the room one more time to make sure he wasn’t just seeing things incorrectly. There was no sign of Eliott anywhere. He tapped Imane on the shoulder. “Imane, you haven’t seen Eliott this morning, have you?”

She glared at him. “Remember what we said? No Eliott talk.”

“I’m not trying to shit talk him, he’s just not here and I—”

She cut him off with a hand, nodding to the front of the classroom where Madame Rigaux was about to begin their class. Lucas paid attention as well as he could, but Eliott’s absence stuck out like a sore thumb, and he wasn’t the only one who noticed it. 

Lucas had assumed Eliott was already out doing whatever it was he did mornings and nights when Lucas got ready in the morning because there was breakfast waiting for him in the fridge. He supposed Eliott could have made it the night before, but Eliott had been getting up so consistently early that he had no reason to assume he wouldn’t have done so that day. Maybe he’d just overslept. 

 

**Lundi 13:26**

The day had worn on, lunch break was over, and Eliott still had yet to make an appearance. Lucas had gone out for lunch with Yann and Arthur, not even thinking of going back to his room and check if Eliott was still there. 

He was feeling guilty about a few things, the first being that he hadn’t gone to check on Eliott after all Eliott had done to try to look after him over the weekend. Then he felt guilty for feeling guilty because fuck Eliott. If he was gone, Lucas would get to practice as the lead. That led to him feeling guilty for abandoning Imane so readily to rehearse with Manon. He knew that it hadn’t been his choice, and that she bore him no ill will, but still, he probably would have been a bit annoyed if she’d suddenly gotten to step into the role of Odette and left him hanging. Then, hanging in the back of his mind even as he immersed himself back into rehearsals and into the role he’d dreamed of rehearsing, he felt guilty for skipping lunch. Sure, he’d gone out to eat with Yann and Arthur, but neither of them had known the details of his issues, so to speak, so they didn’t comment when he ordered a sandwich he didn’t eat, claiming he was saving it for after rehearsals.

Great, now he was feeling guilty for spending the money on a sandwich he had known he wouldn’t eat. It wasn’t like he just had money to blow, and he could have saved it for something related to ballet that he would surely need soon. 

Thankfully, he was back on track in rehearsals and none of the instructors were treating him any different. Actually, they seemed impressed with how readily he’d stepped into the role of Prince Siegfried. He supposed it had helped that he and Manon had spent a whole year partnering together but, whatever the case, he was grateful. 

In fact, by the time rehearsals were done for the day, he was so exhausted that he only had time to shower before he collapsed on his bed and fell fast asleep, forgetting all about Eliott. 

 

**Mardi 7:59**

Fuck, Eliott was gone again. The happiness he should have felt was instead filled by unease. He’d knocked on Eliott’s door that morning, but he hadn’t gotten any response so he’d assumed Eliott was already out of bed and warming up for the day. He wasn’t so desperate yet that he’d go into Eliott’s room. If Eliott had respected his personal space, even when he probably shouldn’t have, Lucas could respect Eliott’s. 

He didn’t ask Imane about Eliott that morning, but he could tell that she seemed a bit concerned as well. Lucas tried to brush the absence from his mind as he had the day before, focusing only on ballet and ballet and ballet. It was harder than it should have been, but by the time rehearsals were over he’d managed it. 

There was a dish in the sink when he got back to the suite after practice, so Eliott was alive at least. Actually, the light was on in the bathroom, door closed, so he must have been up. Lucas debated waiting for him to finish to talk to him, but then he realized he didn’t really know what he would say, so instead he retreated to his own room, glad that he didn’t have to worry about Eliott anymore. It was getting exhausting. 

 

**Mercredi 6:12**

Lucas had skipped his run that morning to make breakfast for the two of them, so Eliott had better be grateful. Eliott still wasn’t awake, but that didn’t mean anything. He was pretty sure Arthur had said Eliott rarely rolled out of bed before seven most mornings in years past. Lucas didn’t want to wait that long, but he supposed he could leave Eliott a note before he left. 

He’d almost forgotten how good he was at cooking when he wanted to be. He made omelettes that morning, forcing his down with a hint of displeasure, but forcing it down nonetheless and writing what he ate on the paper from the nurse. There was less filled in than she probably would have liked, but much more than he would have filled out a week before. He didn’t know if that sickened or pleased him. 

He made his way to the bathroom to fix his hair before he headed out, spraying enough hairspray to make him cough and wave around one of their hand towels to dissipate the smell. He caught his reflection waving the towel in the mirror and frowned, turning the towel over in his hands. There was an odd stain on it, darker than anything they owned should have been. Realization dawned on him and he dropped the towel, running to Eliott’s room and throwing the door open, thankful it wasn’t locked. 

He let out a sigh as he realized Eliott was still just sleeping in his bed, nothing out of the ordinary. He’d probably overreacted, maybe Eliott had spilled something in the kitchen and couldn’t find a towel to use so he’d used the one from the bathroom. 

Eliott huffed and turned over cracking his eyes open a bit. Lucas froze, realizing that he probably looked a bit odd standing in the middle of Eliott’s room out of breath. “What are you doing in here?” Eliott asked and Lucas could have sworn he felt shivers run up his spine at his cold, dead, tone of voice. 

“Nothing, sorry, I just, sorry, um,” Lucas stumbled over his words, unable to find the right ones. “Um, I just thought… doesn’t matter. Are you ready to go warm up?”

“Does it look like I’m ready?” The same harsh coldness enveloped the room. 

“No, sorry, that’s not what I meant,” Lucas apologized. Why was he apologizing? Eliott was being rude to him, and he was apologizing. 

Eliott still hadn’t sat up, and he closed his eyes again. “Yeah? And what did you mean? Either say what you came to say or shut the fuck up and leave me alone.”

“ _ Excuse me?”  _

“You heard me.”

Lucas laughed mirthlessly. “You know what,  _ fuck you _ . Sorry for trying to be a good roommate.” He reused a variation of Eliott’s words to drive the point home, but Eliott didn’t so much as flinch. “I’m going to practice now,” he continued, “You can either join or not, but I’d prefer if you didn’t. The role suits me much better, I think.”

“I’m sure,” Eliott said, and Lucas couldn’t determine if he was being sarcastic or not. 

“You’re really not coming to class, are you?” he asked. 

“Nope.”

“And why not?”

“I’m sick.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes,” Eliott said adamantly, “I am. Now please leave before I say something I regret.”

Lucas took a deep breath, trying to figure out what emotion he was feeling, and if he should have been feeling it or not. “Whatever,” he said at last, “Your funeral.”

As he left the room he could have sworn he heard Eliott say something else, but he ignored it as soon as he’d heard, not wanting to have an actual reason to worry about Eliott. By the time he’d gotten to practice, he could convince himself he’d heard nothing at all, that Eliott hadn’t opened his eyes once more, looking straight into Lucas’ own, then turned over, burying his face in his pillow, and whispered miserably, “I wish.”

 

**Jeudi 22:34**

Eliott didn’t show up to class again. Lucas made him food again. Eliott didn’t eat the food, and Lucas used the opportunity to call him a hypocrite in a strongly worded note left on the coffee table when he went to bed that night.

There wasn’t much else to say. 

 

**Vendredi 18:00**

Lucas wasn’t worried. Definitely not. There was obviously a great explanation as to why Eliott had missed an entire week of classes. Maybe he was sick after all. The instructors hadn’t said anything about it, which made Lucas think the absences were excused, so he wasn’t worried.

Definitely not. 

 

**Samedi 10:53**

Yann rolled his eyes and clapped in front of Lucas’ face. He, Lucas, and Arthur were sitting on the couch in Yann, Arthur, and Sofiane’s suite. Lucas didn’t know where Sofiane was, but if he had to guess, he was probably either out with Imane, Idriss, or both of them. “Hello? Have you listened to us at all?”

He hadn’t. 

“Dude, where has your mind been?” Arthur asked, stirring his coffee with a spoon. Lucas zoned out on the motion before he remembered Arthur had asked a question. 

“Nowhere. Everywhere. Ballet,” he responded, knowing how absolutely stupid he sounded. 

Arthur narrowed his eyes behind his glasses. Lucas had never understood how he’d managed all these years dancing without contacts. He had some for performances, but he never wore them otherwise. Lucas didn’t know whether to be impressed or annoyed. “This has to do with Eliott, doesn’t it?” he clarified knowingly. 

“What? Why would Eliott have anything to do with anything?” Lucas knew he sounded defensive to the point that it was ridiculous, but he couldn’t help himself. 

“Eliott always has everything to do with everything to you,” Yann said, not unkindly. 

Lucas huffed and crossed his arms. “That’s not true.” 

“It is true,” Arthur countered, pointing his spoon in Lucas’ direction. Lucas scrunched his nose and stuck his tongue out at Arthur, which made both of them laugh, forgetting what they’d been talking about. Yann, however, was not as easily distracted.

“Dude, come on,” he said, pleading. 

Lucas rolled his eyes. “I don’t know what you want me to say. Everything’s cool with me, I don’t care what Eliott does or doesn’t do.”

Yann didn’t look convinced, but he relented, changing gears. “Ok. Then where has he been all week? You haven’t been milking the fact that you’ve taken over his role as much as I expected, so it must be something serious that even your cold little heart can’t help but feel bad about.”

Lucas’ mind flashed to everything he’d told himself wasn’t a problem, everything he’d been trying to ignore. He blinked it away as quickly as it had come, but he had trouble keeping the blur of emotions he felt out of his voice. “I don’t fucking know, ok! I literally could not give less of a fuck about anything he does, so just let it be!”

“Yeah, you really sound like you don’t give a fuck,” Arthur murmured under his breath, and Lucas seethed. 

“What was that?” Lucas asked angrily and Arthur just shrugged. “Nothing,” he said calmly.

Lucas laughed humorlessly. “Nothing? Ok, sure. Why can’t you both just fuck off and leave it alone?”

“Lucas, I just asked a simple question, you’re the one who’s blowing it out of proportion,” Yann said with concern. He gripped Lucas’ shoulder and turned his head so they were looking at one another in the eye. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Lucas, don’t bullshit me. What’s going on?” 

He didn’t know, that was the problem. He could have said something, anything about why he’d passed out the week before or the weird toil of emotions inside him because of how Eliott had been acting recently or his worries about how Eliott had been acting recently, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go years hating Eliott only to break down in concern after a week of Eliott laying in bed. Yann didn’t deserve to have to deal with it either. He’d had to deal with a lot of Eliott drama, especially when the two of them had ended their friendship, and Lucas knew that couldn’t have been very fun for Yann to deal with when he was ten. 

“I can’t,” Lucas said in a small voice. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Yann and Arthur exchanged a glance. It was familiar, and Lucas hated it. Suddenly he couldn’t stand to be around them. They were going to talk about him and his problems when he left regardless, so why not just get out of their hair right now? Eliott was probably still in bed so he could do whatever he wanted in their room for the rest of the day, still banned from booking extra studio time. He had to meet with the nurse to give her his filled out food and sleep chart in the morning to see if she would lift his practice ban. It really was annoying that the one week he’d been given the chance to perform in the role of the Prince was the one week he couldn’t spend his extra time practicing. 

“I have to go,” he said, standing up from the couch. Yann reached his hand out to stop Lucas, but Lucas slipped out of his grip. “I have homework to do that I forgot about,” he continued, knowing it was a feeble excuse but not caring because they wouldn’t believe him anyway. 

“We’re always here, you know? If you need to talk about anything,” Yann said as he reached the door. Arthur nodded, eyes flickering between the two of them. Lucas did know that they would be there if he asked, but sometimes he just didn’t feel like asking. 

Nevertheless, he threw one last glance over his shoulder and smiled softly at the two of them. “I know,” he reassured them. 

He walked back to his room in a bit of a daze, opening the door listlessly only to find Eliott standing at the counter staring at a plate of food Lucas had left for him. Their eyes met briefly before Eliott looked away, back down at the plate. Lucas felt a bit queasy. It was one thing for him to make extra food for a possibly sick roommate that he hated and never know if Eliott ate it or enjoyed it, it was quite another to have to confront the fact that he’d done such a thing. 

Lucas watched Eliott carefully as he walked to his room, but Eliott didn’t move an inch. As he stepped over the threshold into his own space he turned to close the door like he always did, then hesitated.  _ Fuck it _ , he thought, and released his grip on the door, leaving it ajar. 

He didn’t pay attention to what Eliott was doing out in the living space, but he wanted to make sure there was nothing to worry about, so he would glance over from time to time, only ever finding Eliott eating his food idly, a bit detached from reality. Lucas focused back on his homework, leaving Eliott to eat in peace.

There was a knock at the open door minutes or hours later, and Lucas looked up to find Eliott hovering in the doorway, one fist raised up against the door, the other gripping his laptop, folded into his chest. The sleeves of his hoodie were pulled all the way down over his hands and, despite the fact he’d done nothing but sleep all week, the circles around his eyes were darker than even and he looked utterly exhausted.

He shifted from foot to foot, lowering his hand from the door when Lucas met his eyes. He cleared his throat, eyes shifting everywhere but Lucas’ face. “I don’t totally understand the science homework, and Sofiane and Imane are still out…”

Lucas didn’t know why that concerned him, but he gestured for Eliott to continue talking. “Um, I was wondering if you could help me? Imane told me you’re good at science.”

Lucas ignored the fact that Imane had actually complimented him, though he would be sure to give her shit for it later, eyes finding Eliott’s once more. “You… want my help with homework?”

Eliott blinked suddenly and turned around. “You’re right, it’s stupid, I can probably find the answers online or something—”

“Wait,” Lucas said, and Eliott paused. “I can… I can help. Just this once.”

Eliott turned back around and broke into a relieved grin. “Really? Thank you Lucas, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Lucas murmured, moving from his desk to sit on the floor. Eliott plopped down beside him and opened up his laptop. Thankfully, the homework Eliott was stuck on was the one he’d just finished himself. 

He explained the concepts and helped Eliott find the answers patiently, thinking that this was just like tutoring at any other high school, so he shouldn’t be too weirded out by it. He was sure that if he got stuck on something Eliott would have helped him, rivals or not, especially if it didn’t have to do with ballet. 

Eliott listened to him attentively, and eventually began working on his own, only asking questions every now and then when he came across something Lucas hadn’t covered. Lucas was pretty sure that there came a point when they’d both finished their work for the week and were just fucking around doing nothing on their laptops, but Eliott didn’t try to leave and Lucas didn’t ask him to. It was the same sort of silence that had engulfed them the week prior when they’d had dinner together, and it only worried Lucas because he was becoming less and less scared of it. 

Later that night they’d brought dinner back to Lucas’ room, both of them knowing damn well that they were no longer working on homework but neither one wanting to be the one that said it. 

Lucas could feel himself dozing off after a while and didn’t want to fight it, realizing that it was good that his body wanted to rest, but he didn’t want to kick Eliott out either. Eliott was very plainly and obviously watching a movie now, Lucas peeking over less casually than he might have done if he had actually been trying to be secretive about it. Eliott even turned the screen ever so slightly so they could both see from where they still sat on the floor, a few feet apart. 

He didn’t know why he didn’t just say something, tell Eliott to leave. A week ago, or even a day ago he would have had no problem doing just that. But Eliott was smiling for the first time Lucas had seen in a week, and Lucas didn’t want to be the one who took it away. 

Somehow the two of them had ended up closer to one another, shoulders nearly touching as they watched the movie, some poetic indie shit that Lucas would never have watched in a million years if not for the circumstance he was in at that moment. It was better than Lucas had expected, though he’d never admit he was enjoying it aloud. Unfortunately, he never found out what happened at the end because somewhere along the way he’d felt comfortable enough to slip into his dreams, curtain of sleep washing over him in a wave. He was briefly aware that his head had fallen on Eliott’s shoulder the moment before he knocked out, but once he was asleep it didn’t matter one bit. 

Maybe when he woke up in the morning he would regret letting Eliott into his room at all, but maybe there was a part of him that wanted to wake up in the morning with Eliott’s head resting on top of his, shoulders touching as the early morning light glowed through the windows, illuminating them from the inside out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @ livvyblxckthxrn and always feel free to tell me your thoughts there or in the comments <33


	7. vii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and... 8k words later...
> 
> also, we finally got an elu pride post so we can rest easy until lucas' birthday, thank the heavens

**Dimanche 17:52**

Neither of them had spoken about the night before. Lucas had awoken on his bed, note laid on the pillow beside him that read:  _ Thanks for the homework help, I’ll be in the studio all day catching up but don’t forget to eat - Eliott _ . He wondered if Eliott had placed him on his bed, or if he’d unknowingly done so himself at some point during the night. There was a flutter in his stomach at the thought of Eliott laying him down on his bed, a flutter he chalked up to embarrassment.

Lucas had his appointment with the nurse to track his eating and sleeping habits earlier that morning, and she’d tasked him to complete the same form he filled out the week prior for the next month to help him start to stay on track. Both of them were pleasantly surprised by the amount of sleep he’d gotten, but she was still wary of his food intake. He tried not to be annoyed with her concerns, but it was hard not to be when he still didn’t think anything was really wrong. 

He had been given the go ahead to start booking extra studio time again, but she urged him to limit it so he wouldn’t overwork himself again. Surprisingly, he hadn’t been too upset about the condition, accepting it with ease. If he could perform the way he had in class for the whole week he wasn’t allowed extra practice time, maybe he didn’t need as much as he’d thought. 

A pit grew in his stomach when he remembered that he wouldn’t be the Prince during practices anymore now that Eliott was feeling better. While he was actually a bit excited to partner with Imane again, nothing compared to dancing the role he’d always dreamed of in the way he’d always dreamed of dancing it. 

There was a knock on the door and Lucas frowned up from where he’d been scrolling through his phone on the couch. Most of his friends would have texted him first, or just barged in. He stood up with a small sigh and made his way over to open the door, blinking in surprise when he did.

“Uh, what are you all doing here?” he asked Imane, Sofiane, and Idriss. Idriss didn’t even go there. Imane pushed through without so much as a  _ hello _ , opening up his fridge and searching through it. 

Sofiane gaze Lucas a tentative smile as he followed her, Idriss following him. Lucas closed the door slowly, turning to face the three of them, question in his eyes. “Hey, Lucas, we’re here because…” he prompted, and Sofiane was the one who answered. 

“Eliott told us to come over and make dinner together. Isn’t he here?” he asked, looking towards Eliott’s closed door. 

“No…”

“Oh,” Sofiane said, looking a bit uncomfortable. It wasn’t like they weren’t friends, but Sofiane and Eliott were pretty close, and everyone knew how Lucas felt about Eliott. God knows all the things Eliott had probably said about Lucas over the years too. 

But Eliott wasn’t there, and Lucas really didn’t have a problem with Sofiane when it came down to it, so he just shrugged to himself and hopped up to help them with whatever they were doing. Idriss gave him a nod of acknowledgement, nothing more or less. Lucas appreciated it all the same. They’d met a few times in the past but Idriss was, again, one of Eliott’s friends, so they never really had a reason to hang out. He’d never in a million years say it out loud, but he’d actually had a crush on Idriss a few years back. 

“So what are we making?” Lucas asked, taking up his place next to Imane. She looked at him a bit weirdly, as if she was wondering why he hadn’t kicked them out or used the time to complain about Eliott. 

She nodded down to the recipe she’d laid on the table. “It’s a Morroccan dish, the recipe is from Sofiane’s mother.”

The recipe confused him, but the picture at the top looked delicious, so he nodded along. “Right on. What can I do?”

“Ok, who are you and what did you do with Lucas Lallemant?” she asked, cutting up some vegetables. “You’re never this agreeable.”

He shrugged. He didn’t really know why he was being so agreeable either. For some reason he’d just been in a good mood that day. “Got a good night’s sleep, I guess,” he said by way of explanation, “Take it while it lasts.”

“Oh, I intend to.” She handed him a peeler and some carrots. “Do you know how to peel carrots?”

“Of course,” he scoffed. He was quite a good cook when he wanted to be, thank you very much. Sofiane smirked and leaned over to Lucas. “She’s just making you do that because she can’t peel a carrot to save her life,” he whispered conspiratorially, but Imane still heard him. 

“Shut up!” She sounded offended, but her grin gave her away. Lucas always noticed that she smiled more when Sofiane was around, he’d definitely called her out on it a few times, but she never confirmed or denied whether she had feelings for him. It was quite obvious he had feelings for her— he couldn’t take his eyes off her for a moment— and Lucas found himself smiling. Whatever happened between them, Lucas was hoping for the best. 

“So, uh, Idriss,” Lucas began, trying desperately to include Idriss in conversation. Idriss was the only one not helping prepare the meal, sitting at the counter on his phone. “Why are you here?”

Idriss turned off his phone and raised his eyebrows. Lucas’ face reddened, realizing he’d probably come off a bit rude. “I didn’t mean—” he backtracked, Idriss cutting him off with a low laugh.

“It’s ok, Lucas, I understood what you meant.” Yeah, Idriss was still very handsome. If he wasn’t completely off limits, Lucas might have fantasized a little bit about him. Of course, he was nowhere near as beautiful as— no. Lucas stopped himself before he could finish the thought, turning his attention back to Idriss. Handsome Idriss. “I’m here because it was this, or have our parents attack me once again for not being a success like perfect Imane over here.”

She stuck her tongue out at him and he grinned in return, despite the harshness of his words. Having a functional family was an odd thing indeed. Lucas envied it more than he could articulate. How Idriss could talk so casually of his parents “attacking” him, even though they weren’t throwing him to the ground so hard his ribs cracked inside his chest.

His pulse quickened as the thoughts invaded his mind, memories flashing faster than he could process. His father’s hand gripping his wrist so hard it nearly snapped, going to school with bruises he couldn’t hide and getting the reputation of the ‘clumsy’ kid when he knew he was anything but, Eliott’s brows furrowed in concern when he started flinching every time Eliott came close but neither of them ever addressing it. 

One of their pots clanged on the stove and Lucas nearly jumped out of his skin, accidentally cutting his hand with the peeler in the process. “Fuck,” he hissed, lifting his hand to see the damage. 

Imane was looking at him with concern. “Lucas, are you ok?”

No. “Yeah, sorry, zoned out for a second. I’m going to grab a bandage from the bathroom, I’ll be back in a minute.”

He hurried away without another word, shutting the bathroom door behind him and sinking to the floor. His thoughts were spiraling and he did everything he could to make them stop. He remembered a technique his mother had told him years ago, to distract him from the physical pain and the emotions that came with it. A way to ground himself. Three, three, three. Three things he could see, three things he could hear, three things he could feel. 

He saw the white tile of the bathroom floor zigzagging in its diamond pattern, he saw a toothbrush on the counter, Eliott’s from the look of it, he must have forgotten to put it back in its container that morning, and he saw their shower curtain detailed with what looked like small raindrops. 

He could hear the air conditioning whirring in the back of his mind, he could hear his own breathing, steadying slightly as he noticed it, and he could hear his friend’s voices, probably talking about him. 

He could feel the door pressed against his back, he could feel a small tingling in his hand from where the peeler had sliced a small cut, not too deep, but deep enough, and he could feel his eyelashes pressing down onto his cheekbones as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

Slowly, he opened them, feeling more present in his body. He glanced at the cut, noticing it was bleeding a bit more than he’d thought, but not so much a bandage wouldn’t suffice. He rummaged through their drawers until he found a package of bandages, washing his hand before folding one around the cut with much more ease than he’d expected. 

He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror when he finished, eyes raking over his figure from his head to where the mirror cut off at his waist. He looked a bit like he’d seen a ghost, and in some ways he had, so he splashed some water on his face to try to counteract it. 

When he emerged back into the living area, Imane, Sofiane, and Idriss went quiet immediately, which confirmed his earlier assumption that they’d been talking about him. Maybe he would have cared any other day, but he didn’t have the energy to care at that moment.

“Sorry about that,” he said, forcing a smile, “Guess I can’t peel carrots after all.”

Imane gave him a small grin, her eyes asking if he was all right. He appreciated her concern, and tried to convey that to her, but he also reassured her that he was fine with his eyes. She looked reluctant, but let it go. Sofiane pretended to sigh dramatically. “Looks like I have to do everything around here,” he said, picking up the peeler and continuing where Lucas had left off. 

For the most part, Lucas sat at the counter with Idriss, watching while Sofiane and Imane worked their magic in the kitchen. He and Idriss sent each other sly, or maybe not so sly given the glares received from Imane, glances every now and again, noticing how Sofiane and Imane worked so seamlessly together, anticipating each other’s needs before they needed them. It was a dance of its own, one Lucas was endlessly entertained by in the best way possible. 

The door opened with a small creak and the four of them turned to look at the intruder, who ended up not being an intruder at all. Eliott looked slightly shocked to see the four of them there, but his shock was quickly replaced by a bright smile. “Oh, hey, you’re here early!” 

Imane frowned, looking at the clock on the microwave. “You said to be here at 18h  _ on the dot _ . We showed up on time, you’re the one strolling in an hour late.”

“I’m pretty sure I said 19h,” Eliott said adamantly. 

“Pretty sure you didn’t,” Imane shot back, raising her eyebrows. Sofiane, Idriss, and Lucas looked on in confusion as Imane stared directly into Eliott’s eyes clearly gleaning whatever information she wanted from them and causing Eliott to blush. 

He coughed and hid his face. “I’m going to shower quickly, then I’ll be ready to eat.”

“Who said you get to eat with us when we did all the work?” Idriss teased, causing Imane to scoff. 

“Please, you did less than Eliott,” she laughed, and he couldn’t argue. Eliott disappeared into his bedroom, coming out a moment later with clean clothes before disappearing back into the bathroom. Lucas’ eyes followed him the whole way, and it didn’t go unnoticed. Sofiane narrowed his eyes when Lucas turned back around, and Lucas looked away innocently. He was only watching Eliott because he hated him, of course. 

The four of them made idle conversation while Sofiane and Imane finished cooking, the dish coming together quite masterfully. It smelled so delicious that Lucas really didn’t want to wait for Eliott to eat. 

Finally, though, Eliott emerged from the bathroom, wet hair somehow still defying gravity. He was just wearing a hoodie and sweatpants but he still made Lucas feel a bit inadequate. 

There wasn’t enough room for all of them at the kitchen counter, so they moved into the living room, Eliott, Lucas, and Idriss on the couch and Sofiane and Imane on one of their chairs and beanbags, respectively. Lucas tried to ignore the fact that Eliott was sandwiched between him and Idriss, thigh close to pressing against Lucas’. 

Imane was looking at Lucas weirdly, but he ignored her as well, instead turning all his focus to his food. It was every bit as delicious as he’d expected it to be, and he couldn’t help but be impressed by Sofiane and Imane’s cooking skills. 

“Do you like it?” Eliott asked him conversationally and he nodded vigorously, throwing a thumbs up Imane’s way. She smiled bashfully at his response, playing at off like he hadn’t complimented her at all. 

“It’s really great,” he said once his mouth wasn’t full. “The carrots really pull it together nicely,” he added with a small laugh. She rolled her eyes with a quiet laugh and Sofiane joined in a moment later. 

Eliott’s eyes flicked between the two of them. “Am I missing something?”

“Just how bad your roommate is at peeling carrots,” Idriss said with a shrug. 

Lucas narrowed his eyes. “I am  _ not _ . I just zoned out for a minute. I’m still better than Imane.”

Sofiane burst into laughter but Imane did not look amused, pointing her fork at him. “I’m coming for you Lallemant, I hope you know that. Next time I make dinner for you, you’d better watch out for poison.”

“Oh, please, you’d never get rid of me. You love me too much as a partner.” He shot her a toothy grin that she ignored. 

“Eh, you’re alright,” she said, making him smile wider. 

Idriss whistled. “Wow, Lucas, that might be the greatest compliment I’ve ever heard her give  _ anyone _ .”

She threw one of the pillows on her chair at her brother, hitting him square in the face. Lucas raised his hand to cover his mouth as he laughed and Eliott’s eyes zeroed in on it, changing from amused to worried. He set his plate in his lap and grabbed Lucas’ hand, fingers brushing his bandage gently. “What happened?”

“Carrot peeler accident,” Lucas said gravely. He smiled a bit at how concerned Eliott still looked, pulling his hand away and adding, “It’s barely a cut, like I said, I just got distracted.”

“Ok,” Eliott said hesitantly. 

“ _ Ok _ ,” Lucas mimicked, making Eliott smile again. They smiled at each other for a moment before Imane cleared her throat and Lucas looked away quickly, not daring to meet her eyes. As he lifted his fork to his mouth as a way to avoid conversation or confrontation, he realized for the first time that night that he’d participated in and ate the meal without thinking about it. He hadn’t hesitated at all. The idea scared him as much as it made him a bit proud. It was a strange thing, to know that what he had been doing was wrong but to also so thoroughly convince himself that what was right was just as wrong. 

Eliott’s thigh brushed his and Lucas felt it as dramatically as if Eliott had laid his head down in Lucas’ lap. Eliott didn’t appear to have noticed, in the middle of telling Idriss some story about their classes, but it was all Lucas could notice. He retreated back into his mind, his mother’s voice in his head telling him three, three, three. 

He saw Eliott’s thigh pressed against his, he saw Eliott’s smile as he spoke to Idriss, he saw the way Eliott’s sweatshirt had shifted, revealing a bit of his collarbone. He heard Eliott’s voice, light and melodic, he heard the light friction of their legs touching, and he heard the scratching of Eliott’s fork on his bowl as he spoke. He felt his own fork, gripped tightly in his hand, he felt his heart stop beating in his chest for a moment too long, and he felt Eliott, not just where their legs touched, but everywhere. 

Fuck. 

 

**Lundi 13:03**

Lucas entered the classroom for Swan Lake rehearsals with a sinking feeling in his stomach. Now that Eliott was back, he was back to being understudy. Manon shot him a sad look as they parted ways, off to their respective partners. He loved Imane as a partner and he was sure that she felt the same about Eliott, but the two of them had really missed dancing together and had loved every minute of it the week before. 

The director took Eliott aside for a minute before class started and Lucas could almost feel Eliott tense up. Maybe he was in trouble for his absences the week prior after all. Lucas couldn’t hear what the director was saying but, judging by Eliott’s body language, it was a lecture Lucas was very glad he wasn’t a part of.

Eliott looked paler than normal as he made his way back over to Manon, and Lucas could have sworn he saw his hands shaking slightly. A week ago the sight would have made him undeniably happy, but now he was concerned.  _ Stop it _ , he told himself,  _ Eliott is still enemy number one.  _ This was just what he did, he made himself appear likeable and perfect, and then he ruined you. Lucas wouldn’t be ruined again. 

The practice was weird, to say the least. The director constantly complimented Lucas, having him demonstrate and partner with Manon from time to time, much to Lucas’ surprise. He’d assumed that with Eliott back he’d be back to square one. It felt great, actually, to finally be seen as more than just the boy in Eliott’s shadow. Maybe he was starting to cast a shadow of his own. 

After practices were over for the day, Lucas and Eliott made dinner. Well, more accurately, Lucas made dinner and Eliott hovered, trying to be helpful. They still hadn’t talked about what had happened Saturday night, but when Lucas went into his room to eat and Eliott joined him, he didn’t say anything. Lucas wrote down what he ate and handed the paper to Eliott to confirm, Eliott looking a bit surprised at the gesture at first, but he smiled as he read it, giving Lucas a small thumbs up. 

Lucas felt a surge of pride, and a surge of disgust. He wasn’t sure which one would win out, but knew that one would, eventually. 

 

**Mardi 19:14**

Lucas was in Eliott’s bedroom that night, lying on his back on the floor. The room was much tidier than the last time Lucas had been in there, and Eliott looked a million times better than he had at that time as well. 

Neither of them had said anything about it again when Lucas showed up under the guise of homework help. Both of them knew Lucas wasn’t doing his homework that early in the week and that he didn’t actually care about the themes and characterization in Albert Camus’  _ The Stranger,  _ but, again, they didn’t mention that fact aloud. 

Right now, though, he wasn’t even pretending to do his work, just staring straight at the lightbulb on the ceiling and twirling his pencil from hand to hand. He didn’t know what Eliott was doing, and was slightly startled when Eliott laid down next to him. He shifted his head and found Eliott already looking at him, grinning. 

Lucas huffed out a small laugh. “Yes?”

Eliott’s smile dropped as he wrinkled his face up in confusion. “What?”

“Did you need something?” Lucas giggled, blaming his laughter on his position. Lying on your back made you laugh more, there was probably, like, studies on it or something. 

“No,” Eliott said simply, corner of his mouth tilting up into a small, almost intimate smile, “You just looked so comfortable I had to see what I was missing.”

“Eh, not the most comfortable spot in the world, but it’ll do,” Lucas shrugged. Eliott laughed softly, still looking at Lucas with a sense of wonder. Some part of it made Lucas want to hide, feeling like he was undeserving of being looked at like that. Plus, wasn’t Eliott supposed to hate him? He didn’t look like he hated him right now, though. Lucas wasn’t too sure if he still hated Eliott either. 

“Do you want to play twenty questions?” Eliott asked suddenly. 

Lucas raised his eyebrows. “Isn’t that a middle school game?”

“Well, we never got the typical middle school experience, so there’s a lot we missed out on.” Was it a great excuse? No. But was Lucas looking for a great excuse? Also no. 

“Ok,” he agreed, turning his face back up to the ceiling, “Do you want to go first?”

“Sure,” Eliott said, as if he hadn’t been the one to suggest the game in the first place. Lucas peeked at his face out of the corner of his eyes, smiling a bit at the sight of Eliott’s eyebrows furrowed in concentration. “Number one… what’s your favorite color?”

“Seriously? All that concentrating and  _ that’s  _ what you came up with?” Lucas burst out laughing. 

Eliott nudged his shoulder. “Don’t laugh! We’ve gotta start somewhere, right?”

Yes, Lucas supposed they did. “Blue,” he answered, realizing as he spoke that it wasn’t  _ just  _ blue. It was a light blue gray, changing color depending on the light. The same color reflected in the eyes of the boy beside him. He couldn’t very well say that aloud, so he just said blue. “What about you?”

“Blue,” Eliott repeated, “But not just any blue. My favorite color is the kind of blue that can fit whole galaxies inside it, deep as the ocean but so bright and full of life when the sun hits it at the right angle.”

Ok, wow. Yeah, Lucas never really put that much thought into colors he enjoyed. “Seems like that color might be a bit hard to come by,” Lucas teased, turning his head back to face Eliott. 

Eliott stared him directly in the eye and said, “Maybe for some people. I see it everyday.” 

Lucas was flustered again, but he didn’t entirely know why. To avoid responding to what Eliott had just said, he changed the subject. “It’s your turn again.”

“Um… what’s your favorite constellation?” Eliott asked, looking very interested to know Lucas’ answer. Lucas didn’t really have one, but he didn’t want to let Eliott down, so he just said, “Cassiopeia.” It was the only one he knew, other than the big and little dipper. 

They kept on that pace for a while, exchanging small facts about themselves without a second thought, learning things most people probably didn’t know, but only because they’d never asked. They were down to their last few questions, coming off a long laughing fit when Lucas had asked Eliott the most embarrassing thing he’d ever done. Eliott had warned him to never repeat the story, and he swore he wouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop laughing regardless.

“Why do you hate me?” Eliott asked, and Lucas immediately sobered. He should have known this whole thing was a ruse, that Eliott was going to ask him that. He turned his head away, smile fading from his face completely. 

Eliott was waiting for an answer, but Lucas didn’t really want to give him one. If Eliott  _ still  _ didn’t know why their friendship had ended, why Lucas had held a grudge for so long, they could never really go back to being friends again, no matter what Lucas had accidentally deluded himself into believing. “You really don’t get it, do you?” Lucas asked. 

“I don’t.”

Lucas closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip so hard he almost tasted blood. “I guess you have your answer then.”

“Lucas—”

“Stop.” He really didn’t want to go into this. He couldn’t make Eliott be sorry for something he didn’t realize he had to apologize for, and he didn’t want Eliott to feel like he had to. Lucas was past the point of wanting an apology, but some acknowledgement would be nice. Instead, Eliott still made it seem like it was Lucas’ fault their friendship had ended, as if he’d never wanted them to grow apart. Well, guess what? Friendships were a two way street. Even if Lucas was the one who’d pulled away at the end, Eliott hadn’t even tried to hold on or to make amends. “My turn,” he said, still not opening his eyes. He didn’t know why he hadn’t already stormed out of the room.

Eliott didn’t respond, which Lucas took as a go ahead. “Are you still in love with Lucille?” 

It wasn’t the question he’d meant to ask, and it certainly wasn’t any of his business. He opened his eyes warily and found Eliott lying completely still, face looking like he’d been frozen by the eyes of Medusa. “No,” he said finally, and left it at that. Lucas didn’t push further. “Have you ever been in love?” Eliott asked.

“I don’t think so,” he said honestly. 

“You don’t think so?”

Lucas shrugged. “I don’t know what love feels like.” It was a sad thing to admit and he immediately regretted saying it. 

Eliott didn’t say anything about it, though. He simply sighed and said, “You’ll know it when you feel it.”

“So you’ve been in love, obviously,” Lucas added, trying to take the attention off himself. “How many times?”

“Only twice, well, one and a half I guess you could say,” Eliott said. “Lucille was there, and she was great, but I was only ever able to give her half my heart. The other half has always belonged to someone else. I don’t know if they’ll ever love me the same way, but I think they’ll be it for me. I can’t imagine moving on from them.” 

He hadn’t realized Eliott had ever had a relationship with anyone other than Lucille. He hadn’t realized that probably meant Eliott was in a relationship right now, and that he intended to be with this person forever. It wasn’t his turn, so he couldn’t ask any more, but he desperately wanted to. “Why haven’t you ever been in a relationship?” Eliott asked him. 

Lucas shifted uncomfortably. “I’ve never really had time for it, I guess. I don’t want anything or anyone to stand in the way of my ballet.”

“But what if they could support you, not hinder you?”

Lucas shrugged. “If you find that person, let me know.”

Eliott looked like he wanted to say more, but it was Lucas’ turn to ask a question. He still wanted to know more about the girl Eliott was in love with, unsure why he wanted to know so badly. “Who… is your ideal girl? Looks, personality, et cetera…” 

Eliott flushed bright red, coughing in surprise. “Um… I don’t know…” he stammered nervously.

“Oh come on, of course you do, you just waxed poetic about her for like ten minutes,” Lucas goaded. 

“That’s an exaggeration, but fine. Um, shorter than me, perfect hair, amazing at practically everything they do but they don’t know it, a bit of a dick sometimes, not going to lie, but when they smile at me it makes it all worth it.”

“Wow. She sounds… cool?” Lucas was a bit caught off guard by the answer, more so by the fact that Eliott had looked like he wanted to say so much more.

“Oh yeah, that too,” Eliott added, “ _ She _ does not necessarily have to be a she.”

Lucas blinked in shock. Never in a million years would he have thought… was Eliott saying what Lucas thought he was saying? “Oh,” he said lamely. 

“Is that a problem? Aren’t you gay?” Eliott asked confusedly. 

“No, no, not a problem, of course not. I’m just… surprised, is all.” 

Eliott smiled. “Well, I’m full of surprises. And I like people who are surprising.”

Lucas rolled his eyes, smiling in return. Not necessarily a girl, huh. Lucas didn’t know why, but the revelation made his heart quicken in his chest. It shouldn’t have, he hadn’t felt the same way when Arthur said that he was bi, or when Alexia had said the same, but for some reason knowing that Eliott wasn’t straight felt different to him. 

“Arthur is bi,” he blurted needlessly. 

Eliott nodded his head slowly, with a teasing smile. “I know. We roomed together for about nine years.”

“Oh, right.”

“I’m pan,” Eliott continued, “In case you wanted to know.”

“That’s cool.” Lucas didn’t really know what else to say. It  _ was _ cool, he supposed, cool as anything else. Lucas looked back at Eliott’s gaze flicking to his lips unconsciously. He turned his head back to the ceiling immediately, but he didn’t know if Eliott had noticed his glance or not. Eliott’s hand brushed his accidentally where they were positioned so close together on the floor. 

Lucas sat up abruptly. “It’s getting late, I should go to bed.” Was it just him or did Eliott seem disappointed?

“Ok,” Eliott said, coming up to rest on his elbows, “Goodnight.”

“Night.” Lucas left the room faster than the pace of his beating heart. What the fuck was wrong with him?  _ You hate Eliott _ , he reminded himself,  _ No matter what he says, he still won’t acknowledge all the things he’s done that have given you reason to hate him, so don’t forget that. _

He wouldn’t forget, he couldn’t afford to. 

**Mercredi 21:56**

Lucas was sitting on his bed, knees pulled up to his chest to make room for Eliott, who was laying at the foot of the bed. Eliott was reading some book that hadn’t even been assigned and Lucas was at a loss, wondering how he found the time or motivation for it. Lucas was covertly watching him read, watching the way expressions flitted across his face with each line he read. 

His phone buzzed and Eliott looked up at the sound, nearly catching Lucas staring. He held up his phone and Eliott nodded, going back to reading his book. Lucas checked his phone, wondering why it was suddenly vibrating with what felt like hundreds of messages per second.

**GROUP CREATED: le gang**

**Arthur:** I hear there’s another party this weekend that m. savory has neglected to inform us of

**Yann:** The shame, the shame

**Basile:** What?! There is not!

**Arthur:** Oh, really? Because the text I just got from Alexia seems to suggest otherwise

**Basile:** I swear!

**Arthur Broussard sent a photo**

**Arthur:** What do you have to say about that, Judas

**Basile:** I didn’t know about it! She hasn’t said anything to me yet

**Yann:** Yet, he says, as if she was ever going to tell him in the first place

**Basile:** This is cyberbullying, I’ll have you know

**Arthur Broussard has changed the group name to “CYBERBULLIES ANONYMOUS”**

**Basile:** Fuck you

**Arthur:** :))

**Yann:** Let’s get back on track tho

**Yann:** Real question is, are we pregaming?

**Arthur:** Duh

**Yann:** Where tho?

**Arthur:** Idk maybe ask the girls?

**Yann:** Should I make a separate group?

**Arthur:** Nah, just tell Lulu to ask Manon or Imane

**Basile:** Lol yeah, Imane’s gonna host a pregame alright

**Arthur:** I didn’t say she would host one, you utter buffoon, but Imane would probably know if one of the other girls was going to

**Basile:** Oh yeah… 

**Arthur:** Luluuuuuuu, I know you’ve been reading these

**Yann:** Lulu join the partyyyyy

**Basile:** Luuuuuluuuuuuuu

**Lucas:** Jesus, calm down, I only just caught up you guys text way too fast

**Lucas:** I’m not sure I’m feeling up for a party, ask the girls yourselves

**Arthur:** Lulu come on, you always say this and then you always have fun

**Lucas:** I didn’t have fun at the last party

**Yann:** The last party happened the same night casting went out, you never wanted to have fun that night 

**Basile:** This party will be way more fun anyway!

**Arthur:** Says the one who didn’t even know about the party until like a minute ago

**Basile:** Dude, I’m trying to get Lucas to come with us

**Lucas:** Ughhhhhhhhhhh

**Yann:** Come on, bro, we haven’t done anything in two weeks

**Arthur:** Speak for yourselves 

**Yann:** We haven’t ALL done something in two weeks

**Lucas:** Do you know where it is and who all is going? I don’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of kids from Baz’s school all night

**Lucas:** No offense Baz

**Basile:** None taken, we suck

**Yann:** Lol

**Arthur:** Not sure… Alexia said her ex told her about it, and her ex is super cool, so it’ll probably be somewhere fun

**Arthur:** Can you talk to the girls though? See if they’re going/ want to pregame?

**Lucas:** I don’t see why none of you can talk to them

**Arthur:** Dude, you and Manon are like siblings and Imane likes you for some odd reason, you’ve got an in

**Lucas:** You and Alexia are super close???

**Arthur:** Yeah, and she told me about the party

**Lucas:** Ugh, fine, wahetever, I will

**Lucas:** *whatever

**Lucas:** Ducking autocorrect

**Lucas:** FUCKING I SWEAR TO GOD

**Basile Savory has changed the group name to “duck squad”**

**Arthur Broussard has changed the group name to “Baz is an idiot”**

**Basile:** :((

**Arthur:** ;))

**Yann:** Does this mean you’re in, Lulu?

**Lucas:** Yeah, fine whatever

**Arthur:** YEE YEE

**Basile:** Helllllllll yeah

**Yann:** *party guns*

**Arthur:** *kill bill sirens*

**Basile:** *drops to the floor*

**Arthur:** *unsheathes sword*  

**Yann:** *hides in the corner*

**Lucas:** *hates you all*

**Arthur:** *beheads Lucas with my sword*

**Lucas:** *exits the chat*

**Lucas Lallemant has left the group “Baz is an idiot”**

**Yann Cazas has added Lucas Lallemant to the group “Baz is an idiot”**

**Lucas:** How am I supposed to text Manon if you guys are pestering me here?

**Arthur:** Multitask

**Lucas:** …

**Lucas:** Can you feel that?

**Lucas:** That’s me rolling my eyes so hard I go blind

**Lucas:** Is Sofiane invited? Do you think he’d want to pregame too? 

**Arthur:** If he is he’s probably pregame with Eliott and Idriss and Alex

**Lucas:** We wouldn’t all go together?

**Yann:** Um, hello, you can’t stand Eliott?? None of us want to deal with that

**Arthur:** Yeah, Sofiane and Eliott are a package deal lol

**Lucas:** Jeez, sorry, I just didn’t know if Sofiane would want to hang out with Imane

**Lucas:** I’m aware that I hate Eliott

**Arthur:** Oh as long as YOU’RE aware… 

**Lucas:** Ha ha

**Lucas:** Excuse me for trying to be civil for a night

**Arthur:** If you haven’t done it in seven years why would you start now?

**Lucas:** For Imane, she’s the only person at this school I like ;)

**Yann:** :(

**Arthur:** :(

**Basile:** :(

**Arthur:** Stfu Baz you don’t even go here

**Basile:** It still hurts 

**Lucas:** Ok, I’m leaving for real now because you’re all distracting but I’ll talk to Manon and Imane and let you know

**Arthur:** DON’T GO

**Yann:** COME BACK LULU

**Basile Savory has changed the group name to “rip Lucas Lallemant :(“**

**Lucas:** You all suck

**Lucas Lallemant has left the group “rip Lucas Lallemant :(”**

Eliott looked up from his book, catching sight of Lucas’ exasperated grin. “Interesting conversation?”

“No, just the boys asking me to ask the girls if they want to pregame for a party on Saturday.” Lucas sighed and leaned back onto his pillows. 

“Oh yeah, Alexia texted me about that a few minutes ago.”

Lucas poked his head up. “You and Alexia were friends? Are friends?”

“Yeah?” Eliott laughed. Lucas was somewhat surprised, he hadn’t remembered them being close. Eliott hadn’t really been  _ really _ close to anyone besides Lucille from what he remembered, not even Sofiane.

“I guess I just never saw you guys hang out or anything.” Lucas scrambled to find an explanation, and Eliott laughed again.

“We didn’t hang out much outside the studio,” he confessed, “She was actually helping me with something.”

Lucas was nosy, sue him. “Something?”

Eliott became bashful. “It’s nothing.”

“Is it nothing or something?”

“Both?”

Lucas leveled him with an unamused stare. Eliott sighed. “Come on.”

“What?” Lucas watched as Eliott sat up and hopped off Lucas’ bed and out the door. He poked his head back in when he realized Lucas wasn’t following him, gesturing with one hand. “Come on!”

Curious, Lucas followed him, all the way out into the hallway and down to the studio spaces. He realized he was lagging behind and jogged a bit to catch up. “You have to check out studio time, you know,” he said as Eliott opened the door and flicked on the light to studio three. 

“I know,” he said simply. 

“Wait… did you have this studio checked out?” Eliott nodded and Lucas shook his head in disbelief. “Then why weren’t you in here?”

Eliott looked away from him, focusing intently on his phone. “There’s no limit to checking out the studios if no one is using them,” he said sheepishly, and Lucas narrowed his eyes. Why had Eliott been hanging out with him if he’d booked extra practice time? 

Eliott fiddled with his phone a moment longer before finding what he was looking for. “Polaris,” he said, as if that explained everything.

“Polaris,” Lucas repeated. 

“It’s a new ballet I’m trying to write and choreograph,” Eliott continued, and, whatever Lucas had been expecting, this was not it. Eliott was seventeen, how was he choreographing his own ballet in the midst of rehearsals for the lead in their production? Maybe that was why he’d skipped classes the week before… no, the studios had been in use during the days he’d missed, so that didn’t make sense. 

Lucas didn’t know how to respond, so he went for the simplest question. “What’s it about?”

Eliott smiled and launched into a full story of the two main characters, one a man, the other a man, woman, or creature, it didn’t matter. The creature lived in the darkness of a tunnel, never daring to step into the light, while the man lived in the light, terrified of the dark. Both characters met and spoke to one another on opposite sides of this tunnel, each too scared to join the other. Slowly, they fell in love, never having spoken face to face or touched even once. Eventually, though, at the climax, they met in the middle embracing each other and their fears and lived together in perfect harmony the rest of their lives. 

Lucas was a bit awestruck, to say the least. 

“Obviously I don’t have much choreography yet, it took me two years to flesh out the story entirely— that’s what Alexia helped me with, she’s got a great creative mind— and I’ve really only just begun putting it together. Of course, I don’t have music or anything yet either.” Eliott lowered his head bashfully upon seeing Lucas’ dumbfounded expression. “It’s a work in progress.”

Lucas huffed out an exasperated sigh. “Are you kidding? It’s incredible. Never in my life would I be able to—” He didn’t let himself finish the thought, knowing where it went anyway. He picked back up after a moment. “Sure, it’s a work in progress, but it could really be something big. Something that people generations from now will regard as one of the classics of ballet.”

He didn’t know why he was being so complimentary, other than the fact that, if this was anyone else, he would have been gushing even more. It was  _ incredible _ , what Eliott was doing. Lucas couldn’t help but feel infinitely inadequate. Eliott looked equally as surprised. 

“Thank you, Lucas,” he said genuinely, “Really. Thank you. It means more than you know.” They gazed at each other for a beat, each of Lucas’ nerves standing on end at the sincerity in Eliott’s voice and expression. Then Eliott blinked and looked away and the magic was lost. “Can I show you part of it? I mean, it’s just an animated storyboard of the general idea, not the dance itself, but…”

“Of course.”

Eliott pulled out his phone again, faster than Lucas could even process what was going on. He showed Lucas a video of what he assumed was the climactic scene when the two characters meet. The creature in the dark stepped hesitantly into the light where the man was waiting, the creature held their hands up and the two laced their fingers together, looking at each other as if they were the only two people on the planet before joining together in a kiss. It was only a storyboard, as Eliott had said, but Lucas could feel the raw emotion emanating even from the drawings. It was breathtaking. 

“The light and dark then, are they sort of, like ‘metaphorical’ as well as physical?” Lucas asked, drawing the question out of his ass. He was shit at literature and symbolism and analysis, but he could try. 

Eliott frowned. “Yeah. Was that not obvious? Should I make it more obvious?” He looked worried and Lucas widened his eyes, shaking his head fervently. 

“No, no, no! I was just making sure I understood correctly, duh,” he lied swiftly, and Eliott visibly relaxed. 

His eyes carried a vibrant, passionate sort of light, as he continued explaining his ideas. “Obviously a big part of the story is the fact that they never touch, but I want to incorporate partnerwork in the choreography as well. Maybe I could have the creature stand behind a sheet of some sort, like a silhouette, and we could have them ‘dance’ together in that way. Of course, the man would have to pretend to partner without an actual partner, but it would be an interesting way to subvert expectations…”

Lucas nodded like this wasn’t all going completely over his head. He was so interested in this project, this story, but he didn’t have a mind like Eliott had, running and overflowing with both ideas and the capacity to execute them. 

Therefore he listened, only chiming in when Eliott asked him a direct question, mostly just listening to Eliott talk about his biggest dream and taking in every word. If he hadn’t hated Eliott so much, he might have thought he was falling in love.           

 

**Jeudi 2:22** __

“But… I don’t understand,” Lucas said to Eliott, who wasn’t meeting his gaze in the mirror. “We always do extra lessons together.”

“I know, but the director just said he wanted to do lessons with  _ me _ .” Eliott finally glanced at Lucas over his shoulder. “I’m sure he’d help you too if you asked!”

But that was the thing. Lucas was ten, he couldn’t just  _ ask _ the director for private lessons, he would be laughed at at best, kicked out of the school at worst. Eliott was the one who got the attention, the gold stars, the compliments, and usually Lucas was just happy for him, but it was hard to be happy all the time when no one cared about him. Not even Eliott. 

“I don’t think so, Eli,” Lucas said uncertainly, knowing Eliott didn’t understand why he couldn’t just go to the director and demand to be treated like a star. He wasn’t a star, not like Eliott was.

Eliott wrinkled his nose. “Don’t call me Eli here, Lu, we’re not babies anymore.”

“Then don’t call me Lu.” Lucas crossed his arms in front of his chest, but Eliott either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Eliott didn’t notice or care about a lot of things regarding Lucas that he used to. 

Instead, he turned around and tapped Lucas on the nose. “But you’ll always be my Lu!”

Lucas swatted his hand away. Why couldn’t Eliott always be his Eli? Eliott finally frowned, realizing Lucas wasn’t in the mood to be blown off or have his concerns fall on deaf ears. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything,” Lucas said softly, trying not to cry. Eliott had said they weren’t babies anymore, and grown ups didn’t cry. It was hard not to though. Everything with Eliott was just the icing on top of one mess of a cake. His mother had been committed to an institution and he didn’t know when he’d be able to see her or what that even  _ meant _ , his father had forgotten to send a check to pay for his tuition, so he was on probation until further notice even though it wasn’t even his  _ fault _ , and Yann had started asking questions about his bruises, questions he didn’t want to answer. 

He would have answered them, though, if Eliott had asked. But Eliott didn’t notice. Eliott didn’t care. They were supposed to be in this together, forever, but Lucas felt like the two of them had been dropped in the middle of the ocean and Eliott had swam to shore without even checking to make sure Lucas hadn’t drowned.

Eliott’s brows creased in concern. “Everything? Me included?”

_ Yes you, especially you _ . Lucas just shrugged, a tear escaping down his cheek. He wiped it away hastily, but Eliott saw it. “Lucas?” he pleaded.

“You don’t care about me anymore,” Lucas said quietly.

“What are you talking about? Of course I do! I just said you’ll always be my Lu,” Eliott smiled. 

Lucas frowned. “And I just said I didn’t want you to call me that anymore.”

“Is it because of your mom?” Eliott asked sincerely, and Lucas turned his head to Eliott so fast he almost got whiplash. 

“What about my mom?” Lucas didn’t think Eliott knew anything about his mom. Even if he told Eliott most of the things that made him sad, he probably wouldn’t have mentioned his mom. He didn’t really know what to say about her, didn’t even really know the extent of what was going on inside her head, and he wanted to make sure no one thought he loved her any less because of it. 

Eliott became sheepish, shifting from foot to foot. “I don’t know… my mom just told me that she was sick. That she was in the hospital.”

“She’s not crazy!” Lucas yelled before he could stop himself. He didn’t care about the tears anymore. 

Eliott blinked in surprise. “I didn’t say anything about her being crazy?”

Lucas was trying to keep himself together in whatever way he could. “You didn’t have to! It’s how everyone looks at her now and it’s not fair. She’s having a hard time but it’s not because she’s crazy. If anyone’s crazy, it’s my dad, because I try to be perfect but he still—” Lucas broke off, unable to get the words out.  

“He still what?” Eliott asked.  _ He still hits me so hard that I pass out, he still bruises me where no one sees it, he still blames me for what happened to my mother, he still calls her crazy.  _ But Lucas couldn’t say any of that, even if he wanted to. His voice was meek and timid. “He still nothing. Forget it.”

Maybe,  _ maybe, _ if Eliott had asked again, or if he’d even showed that he cared, Lucas would have broken down and told him everything. Maybe they would have been ok. Eli and Lu.

But instead, Eliott said, “Ok.” 

They held their silence for quite a while, Eliott breaking it again minutes or hours later. “Do you want to see my fouettes? I’ve been practicing and I think I can do ten now! Maybe the director will help me do more…”

And, just like that, Lucas was done. In the back of his mind he knew Eliott hadn’t meant anything by it, just trying to get them back to joking around like they usually did, but it hurt. Eliott didn’t care enough or at all about him. Just his stupid fouettes and stupid private lessons with the stupid director. “I’m tired, I think I’m going to go take a nap,” Lucas said.

Eliott nodded, already facing the mirror again, preparing to practice his turns. “Ok. Later, Lu!”

“Later, Eli,” he said as he walked out the door, only because he knew it would be the last time he ever said it. 

 

Lucas woke abruptly with tears in his eyes. Why were some of the worst memories of his past haunting him so much recently? He turned his head and startled at the sight of Eliott, face buried in his pillow and breathing softly. 

He racked his brain trying to remember how he’d ended up there. Polaris, he remembered, then they’d come back to the suite, and Eliott had showed him more on his computer in his room. At some point Eliott had gone quiet and Lucas had realized he’d fallen asleep. Lucas had shifted him so his head was at the top of the bed and covered him with a blanket, about to get up when he realized Eliott’s bed was  _ really _ comfortable. He must have fallen asleep there too. 

If he hadn’t dreamed, maybe he would have settled back in after waking up, or maybe he wouldn’t have woken up at all. Now, his entire body felt rigid, like he was betraying himself by even thinking he could stay in there. 

Why and how had he fooled himself into believing that maybe he and Eliott could get along? The memories were always there, in the back of his mind, but he’d ignored them for the most part. Fuck, he had to get out of there. 

Once he settled back into his own room be broke down into sobs that racked his whole body, knowing he was probably being kind of loud but also knowing Eliott was a fairly heavy sleeper so he didn’t have to worry about being heard. 

He was such an idiot, falling back into old patterns. Never again. He would go back to the way things had been at the beginning of the year, avoid Eliott at all costs. Never again. He would never again be the stupid boy who believed that people could change or that maybe he was worth something after all.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	8. viii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unaware, I will only ever post my works on my tumblr under the name livvyblxckthxrn or on ao3 under the name bluesxrgent. If you see my work posted elsewhere, I did not post, or give my permission for it to be posted, and I would love it if you let me know. Bisous.
> 
> and thank you for all the love on this fic so far, i hope u like this chap as much as i do <3

**Jeudi 14:37**

“Fuck,” Lucas hissed under his breath for probably the twentieth time that day. Imane glared at him, which was justified. It was like he had two left feet all of a sudden, he couldn’t get any of the moves right. Madame Rigaux had been downright terrifying in their earlier classes, and he’d hoped he would be able to get it together by the time Swan Lake rehearsals started, but no dice. 

He couldn’t keep his mind off the dream he’d had that morning, memories of him and Eliott as children coming in and out of his mind in flashes. He’d slipped out of their suite while Eliott was in the bathroom that morning but hadn’t gone to the studio, knowing Eliott might look for him there. 

It was his fault, really, if Eliott thought they were back to being friends, but he hoped some good avoidance and ignoring on his part would do the trick and send them back to mutual hatred. 

The director eyed him from the front of the classroom and Lucas snapped to attention, trying to pretend his mind wasn’t running a mile a minute. Eliott, unfortunately, was completely back in his groove, dancing better than he had since he’d been out for a week. Manon was flawless as usual, and they complimented one another very well. Lucas reached out for Imane’s hand, preparing to restart the phrase they’d been working on. 

It went more successful than the last time, but they were still nowhere near their usual chemistry. He knew Imane would chew him out about it later, but at the moment as long as he was executing the steps properly he really didn’t care if the right energy and passion wasn’t there. 

They moved along into the sequence where Odile, disguised as Odette, fools the Prince, thus allowing Von Rothbart a victory. Manon and Imane had been practicing this sequence harder than the others because it was one of the most iconic moments of the ballet, as it was the part where Odile executed thirty-two consecutive fouettes. Eliott met Lucas’ eye as the girls prepared to run through their turns before doing them in line with the choreography, and Lucas flinched away from the glance. 

They were seventeen now, and Lucas had still never been the Prince or done the fouettes like they’d promised each other back when they were eight. When he looked back up at Eliott, Eliott was wearing a slight frown, brows furrowed in concern. He raised one of them at Lucas in a silent question, but Lucas ignored it, pretending to pay attention to Manon and Imane so he knew when to come in with his own choreography. 

They were seventeen now, and Lucas was still making all the same mistakes. He wanted to pretend it wasn’t his fault, but he’d always been the master of his own demise, believing in the good in people even after they’d shown that whatever they considered good was not to be trusted.

Needless to say, the rest of rehearsals flew by in one big blur. The one surprisingly decent part of the day was how Lucas had actually done quite well in their hip hop class that day. Maybe it was all his pent up rage, but he’d killed their combination that day, and it didn’t go unnoticed. Actually, their hip hop instructor asked to record him doing the combo after class, which was usually only ever requested of people like Manon, Imane, Sofiane, and, before she’d left the school, Alexia. 

Sweating, but smiling when he finished, he packed up his things and left the classroom, running right into Eliott who’d been waiting outside the door. Lucas shot him an alarmed and confused look, but Eliott just fell into step beside him. Lucas looked at him out of the corner of his eye, even more confused by the fact that Eliott was grinning peacefully. Hadn’t he noticed Lucas was avoiding him?

“What are you doing?” Lucas asked finally. Eliott looked surprised. 

“What do you mean?”

Lucas raised his eyebrows. “I mean, why did you wait for me?”

Eliott shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I? We’re going back to the same place and it only took a few minutes anyway.”

“Maybe I didn’t want you to,” Lucas grumbled, and Eliott’s smile finally faltered. “And maybe I wasn’t coming back to the room.”

“But it’s dinner time. Remember? We planned to make ratatouille?” Eliott teased. They had, in fact, planned to make ratatouille, because they’d watched the movie while they ate the night before, mouths watering at all the animated food even though they had no idea why. What was it about animated food that made it look so much better than real food?

“I can’t,” Lucas lied, “I promised Yann I’d go out to dinner with him.

“On a Thursday?”

“Yes.”

Eliott’s face fell further. “Oh. Um, ok then. You don’t want to shower before you go?”

Lucas wrinkled his nose. “Are you telling me I smell?”

“No, but you have a shower every day after practice before you do anything else so…”

Ok, fine, that was true. He really did need a shower. “I meant after my shower,  _ obviously _ .”

“Ok, sorry.” Eliott’s voice was small and closed off. Part of Lucas was pleased that he was finally taking a hint, the other part frantic that he’d dimmed Eliott’s natural light. They walked the rest of the short distance to their room in silence. 

Once inside, Lucas beelined for the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it behind him before slumping against the side of the door. He knew that Yann had plans with his own parents that night, but that didn’t matter. Lucas could spend his time in one of the studios and pretend he’d been out with Yann for the night. If he was lucky he’d be able to come back after Eliott fell asleep. 

He was suddenly grateful he’d agreed to go to the party with the boys tomorrow night. At least then he had an excuse to avoid Eliott. Now he only had to worry about the rest of the year, which was wonderful. 

He turned the shower on, realizing he’d been in there for a while and he’d just been sitting on the floor. Even though the shower was on, he was still unmotivated to actually get in, so he laid his head against the bathtub and watched until the shower got so hot that steam formed on the mirror. 

There was a small part of his heart that couldn’t stop clenching painfully in his chest, and he didn’t know why. More accurately, he was pretty sure he  _ did _ know why, and that made his heart clench even tighter. 

 

**Vendredi 21:16**

Lucas was nowhere near as drunk as he wished he could be but, given the disastrous experience of the last party, he’d limited himself to one drink at the pregame, one drink when they got to the party. Most of his friends had no such reservations, and he frowned at the beer he’d been nursing for an hour in disappointment. 

The party was supposed to start around 22h, which meant that they would be showing up fashionably late, which meant he had to nurse this beer for the next hour and a half at least. Great. Lucas, Yann, Basile, Arthur, Manon, Daphné, Emma, Imane, and Alexia were at Emma’s house for the pregame because her parents were never around and it was pretty close to both the school and where the party would be held. 

At least Eliott and Sofiane hadn’t joined them, choosing to hang out with Idriss and one of their other friends, Alex. Lucas wasn’t even sure if they’d be going to the party and hoped to god they wouldn’t. He wouldn’t have minded seeing Idriss and Alex, but he could survive a night without them if it meant a night without Eliott too. 

Arthur laid his head in Lucas’ lap, looking up at Lucas in concern. “You look upset.”

“I’m not upset,” Lucas said. He wasn’t, really, at least no more than usual. 

“Bullshit,” Arthur sang to himself, then giggled. Arthur usually didn’t get drunk very fast, so he must have had a lot to drink already. “You’re always upset.”

“That’s not true,” Lucas argued, but it sounded strained. They both knew it was true, but Lucas hadn’t realized Arthur picked up on it. 

Arthur blinked slowly, like it required quite the effort. “It is. I don’t know why, though…” he trailed off and Lucas thought for a second he might have fallen asleep. Then, out of nowhere, his eyes snapped open and he spoke again. “You’re too hard on yourself. If only you could see what all of us see, for real. I know I don’t tell you enough, but you’re amazing, dude. Not just at ballet, but at everything you do. It makes me sad that you can’t see it.”

Lucas felt a little bit flustered. He knew Arthur was only being so honest because he was drunk, but people always said drunk words are sober thoughts, so there must have been some validity in what he was saying. Something occurred to Lucas and his eyes went wide. “Wait. you’re not… you don’t…  _ like _ me, do you?”

“Of course I like you.” Arthur tapped the tip of Lucas’ nose lazily, letting his hand flop back down like a dead weight. “But I’m not in love with you if that’s what you’re asking. I wish I was, you’d probably be a great boyfriend,” he giggled. 

Even though the last part had been a drunken ramble of a joke, Lucas smiled to himself. It warmed his heart, even a small amount, to think that Arthur thought that about him. “For what it’s worth I think you’d probably be a great boyfriend too,” Lucas responded, tapping Arthur’s nose in return. 

Arthur laughed louder this time. “Yeah? I think you’re probably the first to have that delusion. But thanks.”

Maybe Lucas wasn’t the only one who had a harder time than he let on. Lucas began brushing Arthur’s hair casually with his fingers, trying to express his love and appreciation for his friend without going over the top. He wasn’t sure if Arthur understood, but Lucas would try harder to show Arthur all the ways he loved him going forward. Sometimes he wished platonic relationships were a thing. They were, he supposed, to a point, but no one ever got married platonically, or had a platonic boyfriend. Well, maybe they did, but not enough in Lucas’ opinion. 

Platonic intimacy was so deeply undervalued, he thought, though maybe it was just because he’d pushed people away so much that he had a deep craving for someone to lay with him until he fell asleep with no feelings attached other than those of a familial sort of love. Sitting there, brushing through Arthur’s hair with his friend’s head in his lap, neither of them wanting anything more from the other was exactly what Lucas needed. 

He wanted to be able to do things like this all the time without it meaning anything other than the fact that they loved each other, but  _ not like that _ . Maybe he was just so touch starved that he’d take whatever he could get.

“What do you say we make one of those pacts, like in the movies?” Arthur asked, leaning into Lucas hand. 

“What pacts?”

Arthur thought for a moment, and Lucas could almost see him lose his train of thought about five times. “Like ‘oh if we’re both single by the time we’re thirty, we’ll get married’. Although, you’ve probably already promised yourself to Yann, haven’t you?”

Lucas laughed. “Do you really think Yann will be single at thirty? He’ll be married by the time he’s twenty-one, mark my words.”

“Fair point. Want to make a deal, then?” Arthur held up his hand, the action looking like it took grave effort. 

Lucas moved his hand from Arthur’s hair and shook it. “I still expect you to get down on one knee, just saying.”

“Right now?”

“No, not right now dumbass.  _ If _ we’re single at thirty. I also expect roses and a ring so big it puts Kim Kardashian to shame.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes, then shrugged. “Sounds doable. I also promise mind-blowing platonic sex, if you want it. Deal?”

“Deal,” Lucas responded with a laugh, shaking Arthur’s hand once. 

“What are you two doing over there? Come join the rest of us!” Alexia yelled from where everyone else was chatting a few feet away. Arthur sat up more quickly that Lucas would have thought possible, stumbling over his feet as he rejoined the group. He shot a wink Lucas’ way and Lucas couldn’t help but smile in return, wondering if Arthur would remember any of this come morning. 

“You ok?” Yann asked as Lucas approached him. “You haven’t even finished your drink.”

Lucas nodded, surprised that Yann had noticed. “I’m trying to stay relatively sober tonight. Last time I drank way too much and I still feel sick when I think about it.”

Yann nodded gravely. “Yeah, we’ve all been there.”

Lucas smiled and settled into the circle beside him. He loved how, most times, Yann understood him without question. If he’d stayed friends with Eliott all these years, he and Yann would never have formed the relationship they had now, so he supposed he had Eliott to thank for that at least.

Manon was a bit quiet and she kept averting her eyes every time he tried to meet her gaze. They hadn’t spoken much in a while, at least not about anything other than ballet, and Lucas missed her. He wondered if she was dealing with as much turmoil in her life as he was, and wondered if Charles had anything to do with it. 

For the most part, though, the nine of them laughed and joked together, some much drunker than others, but Lucas found himself actually having fun. This was what he liked, not the huge parties where all people wanted to do was get drunk and hook up. He thought maybe in another life or a parallel universe he could have been one of those people, but definitely not in this one. In this one, he just wanted to go to bed. 

Nevertheless, he participated more than he normally would have, trying to take his mind off all the things he would have been overthinking had he been shut up in his room. It worked, for the most part, and by the time they all got ready to leave for the actual party, he didn’t even have to fake his smile.   

 

**Vendredi 22:52**

The party was in full swing. Lucas and all of his friends had arrived about half past 22h, and there was already at least fifty people there. Lucas was immediately overwhelmed but pretended not to be, grabbing another beer and planning to retreat somewhere quiet for a while. Yann, unfortunately, had been anticipating this, so he dragged Lucas into the kitchen with Basile and Arthur, forcing him to participate. 

Thankfully, the kitchen wasn’t as full as the rest of the house, so Lucas was able to breathe more freely and feel less claustrophobic. “Hooking up with anyone tonight Baz?” Arthur asked, and Lucas had to fight not to roll his eyes. It would only be a matter of time until they asked him.

Basile cast a glance around the room and Lucas could tell he was looking for someone in particular. “Fingers crossed, boys,” he said. 

Arthur gestured for him to continue. “Who?” he prompted gently. 

Basile turned to look at them in exasperation. “Daphné! Duh!”

“Since when are you into Daphy?” Lucas asked, forgetting that he’d been trying to keep himself out of the conversation.

“Since forever? Besides, there were totally some vibes between us earlier, didn’t you feel them?” Basile asked excitedly. 

Arthur nodded. “Oh, totally. You’ve got this!” he encouraged, but when he met Lucas’ eyes behind Basile’s back he widened his eyes with a look that said  _ He does not, in fact, have this _ . Lucas snorted into his beer, accidentally bringing the attention back onto himself. 

“What about you, then? Anyone in the crowd catch your eye?” Basile asked, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Arthur cut in, “Oh, come on Baz, Lulu doesn’t do romance, despite what that hoodie of his might say.”

Lucas flipped him off, taking a sip of his drink. “That’s not true.”

Yann leveled Lucas with a knowing stare. Ok, fine, maybe it was a little bit true, but not everyone had to be on the lookout for a hookup or a relationship at all times, right? There was more to life. Sure, if he found someone he really liked, maybe he’d go for it, but there had never been anyone like that and he didn’t anticipate there  _ being _ anyone like that anytime in the near future. 

He rolled his eyes at his friends again. “Whatever,” he grumbled, saved from saying anything more by the appearance of Alexia.

“Hey! We’re playing fuck, marry, kill in the other room, come join!” she yelled over the pounding music. Did Lucas want to go play a game? No, but it got him out of this conversation, so he took off after Alexia, not waiting to see if his friends would join. 

It turned out that they did follow, and they sat down beside him in a big circular group. There was some faces Lucas didn’t know, but otherwise it was just the boys and the girls from the ballet school plus Basile and Alexia. 

“Yo, wait for us!” someone shouted, stumbling into the circle. The body belonging to the voice nearly tripped over Lucas’ shoulder and Lucas looked up to find Alex smiling apologetically. “Sorry, dude— oh, wait, Lucas! Long time no see bro, how are you?”

Alex had, against Lucas’ better judgement, been the first guy Lucas had ever kissed. It wasn’t a bad memory or anything, but Lucas still got a bit red in the face whenever he saw Alex. They were still friendly and everything, so if anyone was making it weird, it wasn’t Alex.

“I’m good,” he answered after a second too long, “You?”

“Fucking  _ fantastic _ . Uni is so much better than lycée. Though I guess I don’t know how it compares to ballet school,” he laughed, then turned, attention called elsewhere. “We’ll catch up later, yeah?”

Before Lucas could even nod Alex was swept away to the opposite side of the circle with his friends who, Lucas remembered with a jolt, included Idriss, Sofiane, and Eliott. Lucas hadn’t seen Eliott yet, so he assumed he hadn’t come. Eliott didn’t look to be enjoying himself either, he looked a bit like he was trying to fold himself into a tiny little box. Their eyes met and Eliott smiled hesitantly, and Lucas averted his gaze immediately, mood souring. He was so caught up in not looking at Eliott that a few rounds of the game passed without him realizing it. 

“Lucas!” 

His head snapped up. Emma was looking at him mischievously. “It’s your turn. If you don’t answer you have to drink.”

“Um, ok.” He waited, hoping someone would jump in to save him before he had to answer. They didn’t. 

“Fuck, marry, kill,” Emma started, “Yann, Basile, and Arthur.”

Oh, that one was easy. “Fuck Yann, marry Arthur, kill Basile.”

Basile looked at him in alarm. “You had that answer ready too quickly.”

Lucas just shrugged, fist bumping Yann and Arthur as they grinned at him. Shit, it was his turn to ask then, wasn’t it? He decided to go for Alex, knowing that whatever combination of people he chose, Alex would consider his answer very seriously. “Alex.” Alex looked up at him with a wide grin. “Fuck, marry, kill… Emma, Daphné, and Camille.” 

Alex wrinkled his nose at the last name. Camille had been one of Alex’s girlfriends long ago, but was the only one whose name Lucas could remember. Alex had his answer ready quickly. “Fuck Daphné, marry Emma, kill Camille, god I haven’t thought about her in a while.”

Emma looked pleasantly surprised and Lucas narrowed his eyes between the two of them, wondering if there was something there that he’d accidentally picked up on. Alex took a swig of his own drink before turning to his target. “Eliott Demaury.”

Eliott folded in on himself even more, if possible. “Fuck, marry, kill Idriss, Sofiane, and… Lucas.” 

Eliott choked, even though he didn’t have a drink in his hand. Lucas rolled his eyes. This one should be easy. “Sofiane, can you pass me a drink?” Eliott asked a bit quietly. Sofiane furrowed his brows but did as he was asked. Eliott met Lucas’ equally confused stare for a split second before he downed the drink and sat back, gaze cast downward. Why had he refused to answer? 

Clearly picking up on whatever strange tension had begun to build, Daphné chimed in, “Oh, I know! Why don’t we play truth or dare?”

Everyone cheered at the suggestion, and Lucas wondered if it was possible to call aliens down to abduct him so he didn’t have to participate. Alexia explained that the rules would be the same, if there was something someone didn’t want to do or answer they could opt to drink instead, simple enough. She went first, daring Emma and Alex to spend seven minutes in heaven. They didn’t come back for twenty. 

After that the game went by quicker, each truth and dare blurring together a bit. At one point Lucas was dared to kiss Yann, which he drank instead. Some friendships weren’t meant to be ruined by a stupid game of truth or dare. At another Basile and Daphné made out, Basile looking a bit more eager than Daphné. Eliott somehow ended up without a shirt on and Lucas noticed that he had a small tattoo on his chest above his heart but he couldn’t read what it said from across the room. Sofiane asked Imane if she’d ever cheated on her online schoolwork and, since she didn’t drink, she’d squeaked out a small  _ yes _ , which put everyone in hysterics. 

“Eliott, truth or dare?” Imane asked, still glaring at Sofiane. 

“Truth.”

“Do you have a crush on anyone in this room?” she asked, and he suddenly glared at her. She raised her eyebrows innocently, daring him to answer. 

“Yes,” he said at last, giving no further explanation. A couple more rounds passed and every time it landed on Eliott they tried to get him to divulge more information. 

“Do they know?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Is it a boy or a girl?”

“Boy.”

“Does he like you back?”

“No.”

“How do you know he doesn’t like you back?”

“Educated guess.”

“Who is it?”

Eliott had drank to that one, and Lucas was struck wondering who it could be. It must have been the same person Eliott told him about the other night, right? If he had to guess, his bet was on Idriss, because as far as he knew, Idriss was straight, hence why he wouldn’t like Eliott back in the same way. There were a couple more questions but it never got back to Eliott, so Lucas never learned more. 

Soon it was Daphné’s turn to ask, and she focused on Lucas. “Truth or dare?” Her words were a bit slurred and Lucas wondered how much she’d had to drink. Manon was watching her carefully, so at least there was someone who would take care of her if need be. 

“Truth.” He’d been forced to give Alexia a lap dance less than ten minutes ago, so dare was a bit too much for him at the moment. 

“Why do you hate Eliott?” she asked, and Lucas almost dropped his drink in surprise. That hadn’t been what he’d expected  _ anyone _ to ask, much less Daphné. He stalled, pretending to take a sip of his beer. It wasn’t like he could tell the truth, not in front of that many people.

He realized everyone was silent, waiting. He could tell part of the truth, the superficial things, at least. “Why do I hate Eliott? Why  _ don’t _ I hate Eliott? First of all, he acts so much better than everyone just because he got special private lessons from the director when we were ten years old. Manon did too, but you don’t see her acting all superior all the time. Secondly, he shows up late to every single practice. Well, not late, per se, but  _ just on time _ , which is late in ballet terms, but he still gets the front spot at the barre. He’s also shit at math, which I guess a lot of people are, but he’s like  _ really _ bad at it. He’s got his head so far up his own ass that he doesn’t realize when his friends are suffering or that when he skips class for a week it affects people other than himself, or maybe he just doesn’t care because the director still treats him like he shits pure gold. Well guess what? He doesn’t shit pure gold. There's a line between self confidence and narcissism, and he thinks he hasn’t crossed it, which only goes to show how much he has—” 

Lucas cut off abruptly, realizing he’d been going on a tangent longer than he’d meant to. It felt so fucking good to say all those things, but deep inside he felt horrible, because he knew that a lot of it wasn’t true. His issues with Eliott were deeper than all the crap he’d just said. He dared to meet Eliott’s eyes over the crowd of dumbfounded people, surprised by the hurt he saw. Before anyone could say a word, Eliott was up, throwing his shirt back over his head and storming out of the circle. Lucas could have sworn he heard the door slam as Eliott left the house. 

Fuck, he hadn’t meant to— he really hadn’t meant most of the things he’d said, he really hadn’t. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Without realizing what he was doing, Lucas stood up from the circle as well, running out after Eliott. He hoped everyone else would think he went to throw up or something so they wouldn’t follow. He fired off a quick text to the gang just in case. 

**GROUP CREATED: Lucas Lallemant, Yann Cazas, Arthur Broussard, Basile Savory**

**Lucas:** Not feeling well, I had to go to the bathroom. I’ll text if I feel better but if you don’t hear from me assume I went back to school -_-    

**Yann:** No prob bro, feel better

**Arthur:** :( sorry man

**Basile:** Not feeling as bad as Eliott I bet lmaooooo    

**Arthur:** Dude

**Arthur Broussard removed Basile Savory from the group**

Lucas pocketed his phone, feeling better now that he knew they wouldn’t be waiting for him. Though, he supposed he’d need somewhere to stay for the night to avoid Eliott killing him. 

He thought he lost Eliott until he saw a familiar head of untameable hair storming away across the street, bounce in his step still there even when he was clearly upset.        

“Eliott!”

Eliott turned around and saw Lucas, weariness and fury mingling in his eyes, even from this distance. Of all the times Lucas had told himself that Eliott hated him, this was the only time he thought it might be true. His face was illuminated by the light of the fountain he was standing in front of making the gray in his eyes stand out more and more the closer Lucas got. 

“What?” Eliott asked, crossing his arms, but not making any moves to back away. “Don’t you think you’ve insulted me enough for one night?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean to insult you,” Lucas said, even though it was a lie. Eliott knew it too, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. Lucas backtracked, “Ok, I  _ did _ mean to at the time, but I came to apologize.”

“Right.” Eliott still didn’t believe him, clearly. 

Lucas didn’t know what else to say, felt like the words were on the tip of his tongue but they wouldn’t form fully. Unfortunately, when he didn’t know what to say, he got defensive. “You know what? I’m not sorry, then. You’ve made my life hell for  _ years _ , this was barely a taste of what I’ve lived with.”

Eliott breathed out an incredulous gasp and shook his head. “ _ I’ve  _ made your life hell? Are you serious? You’re the one who’s been rude to me every chance you’ve gotten since we were like, twelve.”

“I wouldn’t have been if you hadn’t ditched me the moment it became clear I wasn’t quite up to your standards.  _ You  _ made the choice to abandon me, Eliott, not the other way around,” Lucas argued. 

“Are you kidding me? I was ten! What was I supposed to say when the director of the school told me to take private lessons with him? I never wanted to stop hanging out with you, but you got all jealous and I didn’t know how to make it better! What could I have done?” Eliott shot back.

Lucas laughed mirthlessly, spreading his arms wide. “I don’t know… maybe  _ tried _ , even a little bit? If you knew me at all, you would have known that I was never jealous of you, I just wanted you to see that I wasn’t ok. After all, you and I both know that I never would have just ditched you for no reason at all. The school could have been burning down and I still would have waited to make sure you got out before me.”

“I was ten!”

“That didn’t make it hurt any less. And lest you forget, I  _ tried _ to stay friends with you, even when I knew things would never be the same, but you just weren’t that interested in me anymore. I never really saw anyone interest you other than  _ Lucille _ .” Her name felt filthy on his tongue. Lucas had never really understood why he’d hated Lucille so much, other than the fact that she’d seemed to replace him in Eliott’s life. Sofiane had too, in a way, but Lucas didn’t harbor any hard feelings his way. 

“You know what? Fuck you, Lucas. Lucille was there for me. She knew what it was like to be isolated from the rest of the group because she’d been put up on a pedestal she’d never asked to be put on,” Eliott spat. 

Oh that was fucking  _ rich _ . Lucas laughed even harder and even more humorlessly. “Oh, well, excuse me for not being as talented as you. Sorry I wasn’t at a high enough level for you to deign to talk to me. I was too busy being beaten by my father to be much good in the studio, I’m afraid.”

Eliott paused. “What the fuck, Lucas? What are you talking about?”

“Like you didn’t know? Every time we hung out during the summer you didn’t wonder why I never wanted to go home, why I flinched away whenever you or your mom or your dad tried to touch me? All those bruises I pretended didn’t exist?”

“You said you were clumsy—”

“And you believed it, Eliott!” Lucas was slightly out of breath and his voice was shaking. “You shouldn’t have believed it! You knew me better than even my parents did, and you didn’t even notice. Yann noticed, but I didn’t want to talk to him about it. I wanted to talk to you.”

Eliott looked pained when he responded, “I don’t— I was ten, I was wrapped up in ballet, and I didn’t notice a lot of things, Lucas. You can’t blame me for not guessing that you were… that things were happening to you that I didn’t know about.”

“I was wrapped up in ballet too, but I still noticed every little thing about you.”

“What do you want me to say? That you were a better friend? Sure, fine, you were soooo great, is that what you want to hear?” Eliott yelled. 

“I want you to apologize!” It was all Lucas wanted, was some acknowledgement that Eliott at least understood why Lucas had distanced himself, why he couldn’t bear to be around him after a certain point. Eliott didn’t respond and Lucas clenched his fists at his sides. Was it really so hard to just say sorry, even if he didn’t fully mean it? “Too good for that?” Lucas spat, “Tell me, what’s the weather like all the way up there on your high horse?”

Eliott took a deep frustrated breath, wiggling his fingers like he either wanted to punch Lucas or a wall. Lucas was hoping for the latter, but the former was more likely. Eliott became calm all of a sudden, looking Lucas dead in the eye. “It’s actually really nice up here. Too bad you’ll never know.”

Then it was all just too much. All of Lucas’ insecurities about not being good enough bubbled to the surface on top of Eliott’s refusal to acknowledge that he’d, even unknowingly, made mistakes, and Lucas didn’t have a moment to think before he shoved Eliott, pushing him into the water of the fountain. Once his blind rage cleared he blinked with regret. 

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did that,” he stammered, leaning to the edge of the fountain and peering at Eliott, soaked head to toe and sitting stunned on his ass in the water. Lucas held out his hand to pull Eliott out, not realizing how trivial a mistake he’d just made. 

As he should have foreseen, Eliott grasped his hand and pulled, causing Lucas to tumble into the water as well. “Fuck!” he exclaimed, when he resurfaced, wiping water from his eyes, stumbling his way to a standing position.

When his vision cleared he noticed Eliott standing across from him, sheepish look in his eyes. “I’m sorry, that was a petty thing to say and a petty thing to do,” Eliott apologized. 

Lucas didn’t know what to say. Of all the things he’d expected from Eliott in that moment, an apology was not one of them. It wasn’t the apology he’d wanted, but it showed Eliott was capable of uttering the words. Eliott shocked him further, continuing, “I’m sorry too, about how our friendship ended. If I would have known… I’d like to say I would have done things differently, been a better friend. I’m sorry for not knowing, too, it’s not your fault for not telling me. I highly doubt I would have either.”

Lucas stared at Eliott, wondering if he was going mad, imagining the whole thing. “I’m sorry too,” Lucas said, shocking himself even further, “For everything, not just tonight. All the ignoring you and the rude comments and everything… I’m sorry. I know you didn’t mean to be as dismissive as I thought you were.” 

“Why?” Eliott asked, taking a step towards him. “You really don’t have a reason to apologize. I’ve been a shitty friend.”

Lucas shrugged, regretting what he was about to say before he said it, but yearning to say it even more. “Because against my better judgement I don’t think you’re so shitty anymore. And I don’t want you to think I am either.”

The water was still splashing them from where it came up in arcs from the center of the fountain, matting their hair down to their heads. Eliott somehow looked beautiful like this, Lucas realized, and with that realization came another. Eliott looked beautiful all the time, and it wasn’t just his obvious external beauty. He was beautiful down to his core, and that was part of what had angered Lucas for all these years, but now Lucas wanted Eliott to know he thought so. He also wanted Eliott to know that he thought his true beauty came from within him, no matter what mistakes he made when he was ten years old.  

The lines between hate and love were really blurry, Lucas realized, really fucking blurry.

He held his hands up in front of his chest, cringing internally, thinking to himself  _ what the hell are you doing? _ Eliott’s eyes went wide in surprise, then narrowed. “What are you doing?” he asked, voice eerily calm. 

“In your ballet, didn’t you say that the partners come together like this when they finally meet? Once they face their fears and come together for the first time?” Lucas’ voice was no more than a hushed gasp, shallow breaths taken between the loud beats of his heart. Eliott’s fingers fluttered and Lucas almost retracted his hands, thinking himself a fool for doing what he was doing, for thinking Eliott might understand what he was trying to say with the gesture. 

Lucas screwed his eyes shut in embarrassment, seconds away from dipping back under the water and hoping Eliott would forget the whole thing had ever happened, but then he felt a brush of fingers winding and clasping into his own. He folded his hands along with Eliott’s and slowly opened his eyes, seeing the same nervous look he was certain he wore reflected on Eliott’s face. Eliott’s thumb brushed the back of his hand absently, and Lucas was lost. 

Their bodies came together in one fluid motion, Lucas didn’t even know who moved first, but suddenly Eliott’s hands were cupping his face and their lips were pressed together. Lucas ran his hands through the hair he couldn’t stop thinking about, realizing he’d been longing to do so for quite some time. Everything he’d ever wanted to do with Eliott came to him in an instant, as if there was a list he’d compiled somewhere in his head and subsequently ignored until Eliott’s kiss unlocked it. 

Eliott’s tongue swept his lower lip, and Lucas opened his mouth further, inviting as much of Eliott in as he could. He raised up on relevé to reach Eliott better, loving the way Eliott smiled against his mouth as he did so. 

The fountain was still spraying them, and they were still standing up to their knees in the water, but it somehow felt as natural as anything. Eliott pulled back a moment, breathing heavily and looking right into Lucas’ eyes.  _ Kiss me again _ , Lucas tried to tell him with his eyes,  _ Kiss me until I forget my own name. _

Eliott laughed softly and brushed Lucas’ cheekbone, tracing the lines of water down his face, his neck, his chest. Lucas couldn’t do anything but stare back, completely blinded by what they had just done, how it had made him feel. Another realization struck him, the realization that this had been the kiss he had been waiting for all along. Maybe he hadn’t hated romance after all, he’d just hated himself for wanting something he’d never thought he’d be able to have.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long, fuck,” Eliott whispered against his mouth, and Lucas pulled away a bit to look up at him. 

“Your favorite color is my eyes,” he said dumbly, and Eliott surged forward to kiss him again. Lucas knew they should probably get out of the fountain, but he also wanted to stay there forever, lest the spell be broken. “My favorite color is the color of your eyes too,” he admitted between kisses, needing to even the embarrassment factor between the two of them. 

Eliott laughed gently. “Is that so?”

“Mmhmm.”

“What do you say we go dry off and continue elsewhere?” Eliott suggested and Lucas shook his head adamantly. 

“I don’t want to go back to the real world.”

“Why not?”

“Because in the real world you won’t like me, and I’ll be forced to hate you again.” 

Eliott pressed their foreheads together, cupping Lucas’ cheeks with his hands. “I’ll make you a promise, then.” Lucas nodded softly, asking for him to continue. “I promise that, no matter where we are, you’re it for me. It’ll always be you, the one that I love.”

_ Love, love, love _ .

Was it too soon for love, or had they been waiting too long? “Even in the real world?”

“ _ Especially _ in the real world.”

Lucas considered this. “Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Ok.”

Eliott separated the two of them further, leading Lucas by the hand out of the fountain. When they started walking back to the school, neither one of them released their grip on the hand of the other. “Just so you know,” Lucas said as they walked, “You’re it for me too.”

He’d known it for a while, but he hadn’t wanted to know, covering it up in grudges based in miscommunication and ten year old bullshit. Eliott smiled down at him and pulled him closer as they continued their path, kissing the top of his head.  _ Love, love, love. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @livvyblxckthxrn


	9. ix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the love on the last chapter was INSANE thank u all so much for real for real <3
> 
> tw: mentions of past child abuse

**Samedi 9:17**

When Lucas woke up with an arm slung around his waist, he knew without opening his eyes who it belonged to. It would have been easy for him to think or pretend last night was a dream, but he didn’t want to. Instead, he pulled the arm tighter around him and settled deeper into Eliott, pressing his back against Eliott’s chest. He didn’t think Eliott was awake yet, and he didn’t want to wake him up if he was sleeping peacefully. God knew they could always do with more rest. 

Lucas hadn’t even realized he’d dozed off again, but when he woke up he found himself face to face with Eliott, Eliott’s fingers tracing lazy patterns on his cheekbones. When Eliott noticed that he was awake his face split into one of his trademark grins, the ones that had taken on a whole new meaning to Lucas since the night prior. He felt special when Eliott smiled at him like that, a smile made for him and him alone. 

“Morning sleepyhead,” Eliott said softly, finger trailing down to his lips. Lucas couldn’t formulate words to respond, choosing instead to give Eliott a smile he hoped looked as loving and sincere as the one Eliott wore. 

“Fuck,” Eliott said, closing his eyes, still grinning widely, “You’re so beautiful.”

Lucas blushed and pressed his face into Eliott’s chest. He didn’t think he would ever get used to Eliott saying things like that to him. It set Lucas’ heart on fire in a way he never knew was possible. How was it that he was allowed to feel this way for someone he’d wasted so much time hating? How was it Eliott was able to say things like that and mean them? 

Eliott’s hands were combing through his hair, hair that probably really needed to be washed given their experience with the fountain the night prior. He was sure he looked like shit, actually, and the fact that Eliott called him beautiful even considering that was more than he could take. “You shouldn’t say things like that, I might get a big head,” he murmured into Eliott’s chest. 

“But I can now,” Eliott whined, scooting back enough so he could look into Lucas’ eyes. Lucas was sure he must have looked like a hopeless puppy dog, but he didn’t care. Eliott looked a bit like a hopeless puppy dog too. 

“How long have you wanted to?” Lucas asked, and Eliott sighed, bringing his fingers to rest under Lucas’ chin. 

“As long as I’ve known you.”

Lucas rolled his eyes fondly, turning his head away. Eliott turned it right back. “I’m serious.”

“Eliott, we’ve known each other since we were, like, four years old.” Lucas still wasn’t buying it. It was sweet, but he wasn’t buying it. 

Eliott shrugged. “Well, I’ve thought you were beautiful since then.”

Lucas couldn’t resist anymore, he leaned into Eliott and closed the distance between them. Eliott accepted the kiss readily, burying his hands further into Lucas’ hair. They both had severe morning breath, but it really didn’t bother Lucas. Even Eliott’s morning breath was endearing. 

When they pulled apart Lucas was barely able to keep his words of adoration from pouring out of his mouth. “I’m really glad I got over myself,” he said.

“I’m really glad you forgave me,” Eliott countered, acknowledging Lucas’ previous feelings, validating them. “Do you want to talk about—”

Lucas knew where this was going, and he had to cut Eliott off. There would be a time to talk about those things, and Lucas wanted to talk about them with Eliott, but in that moment he just wanted to let himself be happy in Eliott’s arms. “Not right now.”

“Later?”

“Later,” Lucas agreed. 

“In the meantime…” Eliott trailed off, shifting slightly so their legs laced together under the covers. Lucas didn’t even know whose room they were in, he hadn’t bothered to take a look around, but he knew that the bed was so much more comfortable with Eliott in it beside him. 

Lucas answered Eliott with another kiss, slightly more passionate this time. The first kiss had been like a reminder that, oh, yeah, they could do this now, and this kiss was pure hunger. It was the ache of loving each other for so long without realizing it, never believing that they’d actually get to experience that love. Lucas didn’t know how long he’d secretly loved Eliott, confusing it for a hatred so harsh it burned into his soul. It was because he loved him deep down that he hated him so, the fierce, complicated emotions making a mess of his heart. 

They kissed for so long Lucas nearly forgot how to breathe without Eliott, without their lips touching or parting for a moment only be captured once again. It was a never ending cycle, a wheel of  _ kiss, admire Eliott, kiss, run your fingers through his hair, kiss, smile, kiss, kiss, kiss _ . In short: it was everything. 

“What does this mean for us?” Lucas asked a bit later, while they were both lying on their backs, holding hands as they stared up at the ceiling. The cool air tickled Lucas’ bare chest but he made no move to try to find his shirt from where it was strewn somewhere across what he now knew was Eliott’s bedroom. It seemed almost silly he hadn’t realized it before, the room exuded Eliott in a way Lucas didn’t think his space would ever feel like  _ him _ . There were drawings hanging up all over the walls, drawings that were better versions of the ones Eliott did as kids, always a raccoon, sometimes accompanied by other animals. Lucas hadn’t even realized Eliott still made them until he’d started spending more time with him in the recent weeks.  

Eliott answered, still looking up at the ceiling. “What do you mean?”

Lucas brought their joined hands up and rested them on his chest, placing his free hand over the two. “Not to be like  _ that _ , but what are we?” 

He supposed they didn’t have to know, there was no harm in not knowing, but he had to know that Eliott felt the same way he did. Every word out of Eliott’s mouth had said nothing but the things he’d wanted to hear, but he had to be certain. He had to know if this was real, if he wasn’t getting too far ahead of himself imagining countless mornings waking up side by side. He’d never had anyone in his life who wanted him, or who wanted to stay, so he needed to know if he was just setting himself up for another heartbreak.  

“What do you want us to be?” Eliott asked, turning his head to look at Lucas. 

Lucas met his gaze. “I want to know your answer first.”  _ To know I’m not the only one falling.  _

“I want everything,” Eliott said simply, “I want you in whatever capacity you’ll have me.”

“Even as a boyfriend?” Lucas asked softly, so softly he almost hoped Eliott wouldn’t hear it. He did, though, Lucas could see it in the look on his face, a mix of shock and joy. 

Eliott squeezed their joined hands. “Especially as a boyfriend.”

“That’s cool,” Lucas squeaked out, pretending not to notice Eliott’s smirk.  _ Boyfriend. _ How Eliott could remain so calm and cool all the time was a mystery Lucas hoped he’d someday be able to solve and replicate. 

“That’s cool,” Eliott repeated, and Lucas could hear the humor in his voice. It turned serious again as he added, “Not to freak you out, but I’m in love with you.”

Lucas wasn’t freaked out. He should have been, he really should have been, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t, because he felt the same way. It wasn’t something he could say out loud just yet, but he knew it was true. 

“I’m not freaked out.” It was the best reassurance he could give at that moment, and he knew Eliott understood. Eliott always understood these days. If only he’d understood sooner, maybe this could have been  _ this _ long ago. 

“We should get up and make breakfast,” Eliott suggested, as if he hadn’t just tipped Lucas’ whole world on its axis. Lucas pulled him back down as he tried to get up. 

“Not yet,” he pouted, snuggling back into Eliott’s side. Eliott gave him an unamused glance. “I swear this isn’t an eating thing, I just want to stay here with you forever,” Lucas continued, wanting Eliott to know that he saw Eliott’s concern and was glad for it, but he also didn’t need it at the present moment. 

“Can we stay here forever?” he asked, looking up into Eliott’s eyes. 

Eliott nodded. “We can.”

And they did. 

Forever for them was measured in the amount of breaths they shared, the touches, small and big, lighting up their entire bodies with even the slightest brush of their fingers. They were able to give each other forever because they’d found that forever was nothing but an immeasurable construct, experienced only in the act of getting lost. Lost in thought, lost in each other, lost in all time and space. 

Maybe forever lasted an hour, maybe it lasted all day, but it was their forever, and they were grateful for it. The real world took its time to come calling, it stole what felt like ten thousand minutes for them, even if it was maybe only a hundred. There was absolutely no reason for either of them to be anywhere but wrapped in each other’s arms, pretending they were the last two men on Earth. For all they knew, they were. It was like one of them had unknowingly bought an extension on love, one that stretched out far beyond what they could see. 

“Someday we’ll be sitting in this same exact position and I’ll remember right now. I’ll remember every single way you’ve touched me, inside and out. Maybe we’ll have kids by then, or a dog, or maybe it’ll be just you and me, but we’ll lay together like this and I’ll know that kissing you in that fountain was the best thing I’ve ever done,” Eliott said, cheek pressed on Lucas’ back. Lucas was laying on his stomach, Eliott on top of his back, drawing idle patterns on it with one of his hands, a gentle pressure he welcomed readily. 

“Someday our kids will ask how we got together and I’ll have to tell them that I pushed you into a fountain,” Lucas teased.  _ Our kids _ . The future wasn’t so scary when it was so far away, but it did make Lucas hesitate. All he’d ever considered for his future was ballet, he’d never even thought to make room for love or family. He wondered if it was the same for Eliott, but he guessed it wasn’t. Eliott was destined for greatness, that was certain, but Lucas knew that Eliott would always want someone to share that greatness with. 

“I pulled you in after me, I’m no better,” Eliott laughed, the sound of it humming up Lucas’ spine. 

Lucas shrugged to the best of his ability. “Yeah, but that’s partly how I realized I liked you a little bit more than I pretended to.”

“Just a little bit?”

“Just a little bit,” Lucas confirmed, “But don’t worry, I still like you a lot a bit.”

“Is that even proper grammar?” Eliott asked, shifting his head so he could look down at Lucas. 

Lucas scoffed. “Of course it is.”

Eliott laid his head back down. “Somehow I find that a lot a bit hard to believe.”

“I’m a ballet dancer, cut me some slack.”

“Oh, no, don’t you go talking about cutting people some slack when you revealed my poor math skills and insane ego to all of your friends plus a few random people.” Eliott rubbed his head on Lucas’ back idly and Lucas could feel the beginnings of stubble scratching across his back. 

He reddened, forgetting he’d said all those awful things the night before. “I really am sorry,” he apologized, “I don’t think any of those things about you, but I’m not the best at expressing my real thoughts most of the time.”

Eliott was quiet a moment, and Lucas worried he would rescind his forgiveness. He probably should have just kept his mouth shut and let it go. “So you don’t think I suck at math then, like,  _ really _ suck?” Eliott asked, and Lucas let out a small sigh of relief. 

“No, that part was true,” Lucas admitted, and Lucas felt a small shove as Eliott buried his hand in his hair, ruffling it a few times. 

“Rude.”

“Truth hurts,” Lucas said with a faux wince, causing Eliott to move from his position on top of Lucas and flip Lucas onto his back, leaning down to pepper his face with small kisses. 

“You’re so cute when you’re mean to me,” Eliott said between kisses. 

Lucas grinned. “Obviously, that was my plan the whole time.”

Eliott’s jaw dropped in what Lucas could only see as a poor imitation of the surprised pikachu meme. “I can’t believe I thought you actually hated me.”

“I know, so weird right?” Lucas hoped he would never have to hate Eliott again, he really did. Because that was what it had been, wasn’t it? A need for someone to blame? A scapegoat for the problems he wasn’t ready to face? He’d blamed himself a lot too, more than he should have, but Eliott was so easy to blame as well, and it had almost ruined them. 

“So, breakfast?” Eliott asked another bout of time later. It was easily dinnertime, but neither of them had vacated the bed long enough to do anything other than use the bathroom the entire day. It was definitely not breakfast time, but then again, they were living in their borrowed forever, and forever stopped and started at nine seventeen that morning, the minute the clock had been set to when Lucas had opened his eyes and felt the soothing weight of Eliott by his side. In their forever, it  _ was  _ breakfast time. 

“Breakfast sounds great,” Lucas said, and suctioned himself to Eliott like a koala until they were both in the kitchen. 

“I’ll make you my famous eggs!” Eliott said excitedly as Lucas sat down at the counter. Eliott moved in a mad frenzy, picking ingredients Lucas was sure didn’t belong in eggs, but he didn’t say anything. If Eliott was this excited to make him breakfast, he’d let him. 

The look on Eliott’s face when he presented the meal was one Lucas wanted to capture forever, and Lucas couldn’t take a bite fast enough. Even if the meal wasn’t great, there was no way Lucas could ever say so, not with Eliott looking at him like all he wanted in the world was for Lucas to love this food more than any other food he’d ever eaten. 

Besides, how bad could it really be?

 

**Samedi 20:27**

It turned out, it could be very bad. So bad, in fact, that Lucas had been retching into the sink for a good ten minutes. Eliott thought it was hilarious to the point that Lucas had convinced himself he’d made the food so terrible on purpose. But no, that was perhaps the most alarming part of it. Eliott thought it was amazing. 

Lucas, still trying to wash the taste of cinnamon out of his mouth, would have to agree to disagree.

 

**Dimanche 16:44**

Lucas finally charged his phone letting it power up for the first time since Friday night. Eliott was lying with his head in Lucas’ lap and Lucas was playing with his hair with one hand while the other scrolled through his messages to see what he’d been ignoring. There was more than he expected, so he first decided to tackle the ones from the gang. 

**GROUP: le gang**

**Yann:** Lulu we just left the party, just wanted you to know

**Yann:** Back at school, your door was locked so I’m assuming you’re here but just wanted to make sure

**Arthur:** We came by with breakfast but no one answered when we knocked how rude my dude

**Basile:** Guys he’s probably asleep

**Arthur:** What if he’s dead tho

**Yann:** He isn’t reading any of these messages… 

**Basile:** Maybe his phone’s dead?? This isn’t the first time he’s gone radio silent after a party

**Yann:** That’s fair

**Yann:** Just text us when you charge your phone then Lulu

**Arthur:** So we know you’re alive

**Yann:** ^^

**Basile:** ^^

**Arthur:** Hey guys wanna raid area 51

**Basile:** Wtf is area 51

Lucas rolled his eyes and scrolled from there. There was a whole lot more meaningless messages, memes sent and discussed or Stranger Things theories that needed attention right at that moment, but every now and then Yann or Arthur would send a message inquiring into Lucas’ whereabouts and whether or not he was alive. The last message, a link to a story about raiding Area 51, whatever that meant, was sent about an hour ago, so Lucas wasn’t worried about disrupting any important conversation to check in with everyone. 

**Lucas:** Hey guys, I’m alive

**Lucas:** Sorry I was passed out basically all day yesterday and decided to take it chill today, think I might have a cold or something

**Yann:** HE LIVES

**Yann:** WE MISSED YOU BRO

**Arthur:** I just shed a tear, I shit u not

**Basile:** This is a blessed day

**Lucas:** Lol

**Arthur:** No but seriously, you sure everything’s good?

**Lucas:** Yeah, I’m feeling a lot better than I was yesterday no worries

**Yann:** Eliott not bugging you too much lol

**Lucas:** Haha no he’s been gone or in his room or whatever idrc

**Yann:** Want us to come over and make you soup or something?

**Arthur:** I’m quite the chef, don’t know if you’ve heard

**Basile:** :( you guys always hang out without me

**Lucas:** Slow your roll, I didn’t agree to this

**Lucas:** I just wanna be alone tonight if that’s ok?

**Arthur:** Yeah, of course

**Arthur:** Let us know if you need anything though?

**Lucas:** Will do

**Yann:** Feel better bro <3

**Lucas:** Awww a heart and everything?

**Arthur:** <3333

**Basile:** <333333

**Yann:** <33333333

**Lucas:** You guys are idiots 

**Arthur:** That means ‘I love you’ in Lulu language

**Lucas:** Rolling my eyes so hard

**Arthur:** <333333333333333

**Lucas:** …. 

**Lucas:** <333333

**Yann:** WE GOT HIM BOYS

Lucas rolled his eyes again, but couldn’t help the smile on his face. Yeah, Arthur was pretty much right on with his interpretation of Lucas’ text. They were idiots, but he did love them. 

“What’s up?” Eliott asked, looking up at him. Lucas set his phone to the side, he could look at Manon and Imane’s texts later. Imane was probably chastising him for something anyway.

Lucas resumed playing with Eliott’s hair, realizing he’d neglected to do so while he was texting. “Nothing, just the boys checking in to see why I’ve been MIA.”

“What did you tell them?” 

Lucas didn’t know if Eliott was worried he’d said something about the two of them or not. “I told them I wasn’t feeling good. I didn’t know if…” He didn’t have to finish, Eliott understood. 

Eliott lifted one of his hands up to fold into Lucas’. “It’s up to you. I don’t care either way.”

“Can we wait a little bit? Not forever, obviously… but I just don’t want it to be such a big thing, especially with the show coming up. Can we wait until after the show?” Lucas asked hesitantly. He wasn’t ashamed to be with Eliott, not at all, but he also didn’t want to be looked at differently by everyone because of it. Rumors spread like wildfire because the school was so small, and the instructors would surely hear of their relationship at some point. 

Eliott, as if sensing Lucas’ hesitation, slid his free hand up to Lucas’ neck, pulling him down into a small, soft kiss. “I get it. I don’t really want any drama either, I’m already in hot water with the director…”

“Really?” Lucas asked in confusion. Since when?

“I skipped a whole week of classes, remember?” Eliott pointed out. Oh yeah. Lucas honestly hadn’t thought that the director had cared much, loving Eliott enough that he gave him leeway when no one else got it. 

Lucas stopped running his fingers through Eliott’s hair, not looking Eliott in the eye as he asked, “Eliott? Why did you skip a whole week of classes?”

“I don’t know,” Eliott answered, and Lucas raised his eyebrows, finally meeting his eyes. “I swear!” Eliott continued, “I don’t know, I just couldn’t do it, you know?”

Lucas didn’t know. Nothing could keep him from ballet, especially not something he couldn’t explain. “Not really,” he admitted. 

Eliott looked away, biting his bottom lip. “I don’t know how to explain either, then. Can we talk about this later? Right now I just want to forget about everything other than you, not that I don’t already do that most of the time.”

“We can,” Lucas agreed. He didn’t want to push Eliott into talking about something he wasn’t comfortable talking about, especially when Eliott had been so supportive in Lucas opening up at his own pace. “Maybe we can move this to my room?” he asked, raising one eyebrow suggestively. 

Eliott hopped up faster than Lucas would have thought possible, given their lethargy over the past two days. Lucas giggled to himself at Eliott’s enthusiasm, picking himself up off the couch as well, just not quite as fast. 

He checked his last two messages while he walked to his room after Eliott. Imane was asking about booking extra studio time to practice one of their duets, which he agreed to, receiving a scathing message in return for not responding quickly enough. Manon’s messages were more curious, not what he’d expected. 

**Manon:** Hey Lucas, can we talk?

**Manon:** That sounded weird, sorry

**Manon:** I just meant like those days over the summer holidays when we could talk about whatever was on our minds with no judgement from the other person

**Manon:** Let me know

**Manon:** Just got in touch with Yann, he said you’re sick?

**Manon:** Hope everything’s ok… 

**Manon:** You and Eliott really got into it on Friday

**Manon:** Well, you did, at least

**Manon:** Anyway, talk to you soon then? It can wait, but I’d really like to talk

**Manon:** Just let me know

**Lucas:** So sorry Manon, I wasn’t ignoring you I swear

**Lucas:** Lunch tomorrow?

**Manon:** No worries, that sounds great

**Lucas:** See you for class x_x

**Manon:** Hahah, see you <3

“Lucas!” 

Lucas looked up to see Eliott sprawled across his bed, wide, toothy grin covering every inch of his face. He was almost certain his own smile was just as bright. “What?” Lucas asked in faux confusion, walking over to the bed. 

Eliott sat up and grabbed Lucas by the waist, unceremoniously dumping him onto the bed. Lucas screeched in indignation, but they both knew he was nowhere near being mad. Eliott hovered above him, a soft, awestruck look overtaking his face. Almost like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“What?” Lucas asked again, this time coming out in no more than a whisper. 

Eliott leaned a bit closer to his face. “Just wanted to take another look at you,” he said in a horrible impression of Bradley Cooper. They’d watched  _ A Star is Born _ the night before at Eliott’s request and Lucas had spent the entire time making fun of that line even though Eliott claimed it was iconic and mostly used to tie this version to the older versions of the movie. Lucas didn’t care how iconic it was, it was stupid. 

“You’re an idiot,” Lucas laughed, wrapping one hand around the back of Eliott’s neck. 

“Your idiot.”

Lucas hummed softly, not bothering to disagree. “It’s why you love me,” Eliott continued, leaning closer still. It wasn’t the only reason, but it was true. Lucas didn’t confirm the statement, but his silence spoke volumes. He might not have been able to verbalize all the feelings in his heart, but he knew Eliott heard them loud and clear, especially as he closed the distance between the two of them and let their lips come together as fireworks exploded in his head.  

It was hard to tell whether they were moving too fast or catching up on lost time. Maybe both. They could figure it out later. 

 

**Lundi 13:11**

Manon looked as sick as Lucas had pretended to be. She’d always struggled with some anxiety and Lucas immediately felt horrible for being unavailable to her when she felt this way. She’d reassured him the whole time they walked to a café near the school for lunch that everything was fine, but he could tell it wasn’t. 

She didn’t want to talk until she’d eaten a bit of her lunch, so the two of them ate their sandwiches in silence for a little while, exchanging a few words every now and again. Finally, when she looked too sick to continue eating, she spoke up. “I think I’m in love,” she said.

Lucas blinked once, wondering if they’d entered some sort of Twilight Zone. Wasn’t he the one who was supposed to be saying this right now? He didn’t say anything, letting her continue at her own pace. 

“I think I’m in love, but I don’t think it will ever work,” she sighed, opening her mouth again as if to say more, then closing it with a huff. 

“Can I ask who you’re in love with?” Lucas prompted and she shook her head. Fair enough. If he had to guess, it was probably Charles. “Why can’t you be together?”

She shook her head again. “It’s not that we  _ can’t _ be together, I just don’t think we should be. It won’t end well for either of us.”

“Well, how do you know that it will end?” Lucas asked matter-of-factly. Some people were just meant for each other and that was that. If it was Charles, like Lucas suspected, maybe they kept coming back to one another for a reason. 

Manon looked at him like he’d grown a third head. “Who are you and what have you done with romance hating, cynical, realist Lucas Lallemant?”

Lucas rolled his eyes. “Shut up. I’m just saying, some people are worth fighting for.”

“And what would you know about that?” she asked casually. He knew that she could read him like a book, but if she wasn’t giving up any more information, he wasn’t going to either. 

“Nothing,” he shrugged, “But I spend quite a bit of time with Yann, Arthur, and Basile. Yann’s a lover, Arthur’s an idealist, and Basile has no shame. Maybe they’re rubbing off on me.” He knew who was really rubbing off on him, a lover and idealist in his own right. 

Manon’s eyes widened like she’d come to some sort of conclusion. That couldn’t be good. He narrowed his eyes. “Are you listening to what I’m saying or trying to analyze my entire life based on the state of the wrinkles in my clothes?”

“Hilarious,” she deadpanned, “But maybe you’re right. I’ll never know if I don’t try, right?”

“Right. If it helps, I’m rooting for you and your mystery man,” he said with a smile. 

She bit her lip worriedly and Lucas got nervous. “Wait, it’s not Yann, is it? Because Emma’s my friend too, and I hate drama.”

“No, of course not!” She seemed so offended at the suggestion that Lucas nearly laughed. Yann was great, and she’d be lucky to have him, really, but he’d already dated enough girls at the ballet school. Hopefully when he found his next girlfriend, she would be so far removed from the dance world that Lucas didn’t have to worry about dealing with the drama that followed “accidentally” stealing your best friend’s boyfriend, as was the case with Emma and Ingrid and Yann. 

“Ok…” Lucas believed her, but he was still suspicious. They had to get back to rehearsals, so his suspicions could wait for another day, but he would get to the bottom of this. Maybe Alex would know, Lucas was pretty sure he and Charles were friends. If worse came to worse, he could ask Daphné or Imane. They lived with Manon, they’d have to know something, or Emma, she was Manon’s best friend. 

They didn’t talk anymore about it on their way back to school, but he could tell that they both had the other on their minds. Lucas didn’t really want to know whatever Manon thought she’d figured out about him, but it was a bit unnerving to have her thinking so loud he swore he could hear it beside him. She would probably catch on to what was going on with him and Eliott before anyone else, and he just hoped she would keep it to herself. The only thing worse than having to deal with drama surrounding their relationship would be having to deal with drama surrounding their relationship because it had gotten out that there  _ was  _ a relationship without either of them consenting to the reveal of that knowledge.

 

**Mercredi 19:36**

Lucas was playing piano again. This time, Eliott was sitting beside him as he played, and Lucas was comforted rather than startled by his presence. He wasn’t playing anything interesting, just mixing together different melodies he remembered until they flowed seamlessly, letting his emotions pour from his fingertips. 

Hiding their relationship had been easier than expected so far. It was a good thing they roomed together, otherwise they probably would have had more of an issue. Lucas always felt like he slept better with Eliott tucked into his side, so they’d switched off where they slept the past few nights, bouncing room to room but always together. 

Lucas mostly just went back to ignoring Eliott in class, partly for his own sanity. All the things that used to drive him crazy still did, but in a completely different way. When Eliott looked at him too long he became a few seconds away from the situation turning very problematic, especially in tights, so they’d decided looking at each other, except when strictly necessary, was to be limited. 

Manon was still looking at him weirdly in class, but at least she didn’t seem to be paying extra attention to Eliott and where his attention was. Imane was mostly just glad that Lucas was out of his funk, and he was too. Their partnering was back to its usual seamless chemistry and they were looking as good dancing together as Eliott and Manon, in their humble opinions. 

Lucas had gotten dinner with Yann and Arthur the night before, not able to brush them off any longer without it seeming weird, so Eliott had used the time to catch up with Sofiane. It was strange how the things that took them away from one another were now such a burden when a year ago Lucas would have been so grateful for anything that kept Eliott as far away as possible. They hadn’t even been together for a week— whatever “together” meant, really— and Lucas already felt like a part of him was missing without Eliott. 

“Is it later?” Eliott asked softly, resting his head on Lucas’ shoulder as he played. 

Lucas melted into a soft pile of mush, looking down at Eliott’s head. “Later?” 

“‘We’ll talk about this later’ later?” Eliott explained. Lucas stopped playing abruptly. Was it later? He’d been thankful that Eliott had been so patient with him, and he did want to talk about it, but he didn’t quite know how to. 

Lucas dropped his hands from the keys and rested his head on top of Eliott’s. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Just… tell me all the things I missed, so I know not to miss them again,” Eliott said, and Lucas did. 

He told Eliott about the first time his father had taken out his anger on him, when he’d been sitting at the piano like he was at that moment, how his mother was beautiful and kind and  _ good, _ but nothing she could do could change the fact that Lucas was scared to be at home. That’s why Lucas was always with Eliott, probably to the point that Eliott thought he was being weird and clingy. School was a reprieve in some ways, because the bruises could heal, but he was never good enough there either. If he wasn’t good enough, he wouldn’t be able to come back the next year, and he’d have to live his life in fear that one day his dad might stop taking his anger out on him and move on to his mom along with living in fear of his dad taking his anger out on him. 

He was right about that, actually, his dad had taken it out on his mom, just in a different way. He’d had her committed, even though she was getting better. She was taking her medication, going to therapy, taking the steps she needed to take to feel more like herself, but he still sent her away. That was the last straw for Lucas, he couldn’t do it anymore after that. He’d come home at the end of last school year for his mother’s birthday only to find that she was gone without a trace and he knew that if he returned to that house over the summer he would leave it so broken, inside and out, that he would probably never even make it to his final year of school. 

Manon had been a godsend after that. He’d initially tried to call Yann to ask if he could stay with him, but Yann hadn’t picked up, so he’d run all the way back to school as fast as he could, not even realizing he’d gotten there until he woke up on Manon’s bed and she told him that he’d had a severe panic attack at her door the night before. She wouldn’t let him leave until he explained, and she told him that the flatshare she lived in over the summers had an extra room to fill that her parents would continue to pay for, no questions asked. He’d nearly had another panic attack right then, accepting her proposal in a heartbeat. 

It didn’t explain away everything, all the disses Lucas sent Eliott’s way or how he’d been so disgusted to be in Eliott’s presence for  _ years _ , but it helped some things make more sense. It was hard for Lucas to be himself when he was never able to reconcile who he was with the version of himself he had to pretend to be around everyone else. 

“I haven’t been ok in a long time, I think, and I’ve never really been sure of anything I’ve ever done with the exception of three things,” Lucas said. He and Eliott were still sitting in the same position, one head on top of the other. “One, that I wanted to do ballet for the rest of my life, two, moving in with Manon and getting away from my dad, and three, how I feel about you now.”

Eliott moved his head abruptly, so quick that Lucas barely had a moment to react. Eliott’s vibrant eyes were burning into his with an intensity so strong Lucas almost felt like Eliott was daring him to look away. He didn’t look away, he’d meant what he said. “Sorry it took me so long to realize it,” Lucas said, barely a breath out of his mouth, words lost to the thumping of his beating heart. 

“Don’t apologize for that, don’t ever apologize for that. We’re here now, right?” Eliott’s eyes softened, like he was allowing himself to believe that this thing between them might actually be real, not just a dream.

They pressed their foreheads together, not quite leaning in for a kiss just yet, simply existing in each other’s space. “Maybe in a parallel universe we found each other sooner,” Lucas sighed. 

Eliott’s nose scrunched up in confusion and he leaned back slightly. “Parallel universe?”

“Yeah, you know,” Lucas began nervously, “Like, the multiverse theory? Every decision we make splits off into a different reality, creating infinite versions of ourselves?” He’d never really talked about it with anyone before, but parallel universes fascinated him to no end. 

“I’m not quite sure I believe in that,” Eliott admitted, “I’m more of the mind that every decision we make has two paths and we’ll never know what we missed by not taking the other one. It drives me crazy, wondering how things might have been different if I’d just changed one thing.”

Lucas widened his eyes. “That’s why I like parallel universes. This way, in all the universes, I’ve tried everything. Some other Lucas is doing what this Lucas decided not to do, and instead of regretting it, I just let it happen. I’ve ended up at exactly the place I was meant to end up.”

Eliott blushed, and Lucas had to bite the inside of his cheek to hide a smile. He never thought he’d be the one making Eliott blush. “Ok,” Eliott conceded, “Then how many of your parallel Lucases and Eliotts are where we are, right now?”

“Well, none of them. It wouldn’t be a parallel universe if it was the same as ours.” 

Eliott leveled him with a stare. “How many Lucases and Eliotts are together, then?”

“A lot,” he decided, lacing their hands together. “Not all of them, not yet, because Lucas is a stubborn dumbass in most universes, and Eliott can sometimes be a little bit oblivious.”

Eliott scoffed, but Lucas cut him off before he could say anything. “In one universe, Lucas and Eliott are at Hogwarts, studying magic or whatever.” Lucas was a big Harry Potter fan, but he tried to downplay his knowledge of the world just in case Eliott wasn’t anymore. They’d read the books together growing up, but it had been a long time since then. “In another, maybe Lucas is Spiderman or something, and Eliott is his damsel in distress.”

“Shut up,” Eliott laughed, squeezing his hand once and leaning in for a small kiss. “Any universes that don’t involve superpowers?”

“Of course, the ones with superpowers are just more fun than the ones without,” Lucas explained. 

“Fair enough.”

“I bet there’s an Eliott and Lucas who met for the first time during their second or third year of lycée. They don’t go to a ballet school, would never consider going to a ballet school, but they met at a bus stop, and the rest is history.” Sure, he liked to think about superhero Lucas, or wizard Eliott, or whatever, but his favorite was always regular Lucas and Eliott. The ones just like them, but with average lives. Maybe that Eliott liked to paint, or that Lucas was a science student. Maybe they would attend university together, growing up into jobs in research labs and art studios. Maybe they would go to the ballet during their anniversary and watch the dancers carefully, wondering if, in another life, that was them up there on that stage. 

“Ok, I believe in your parallel universes.” Eliott pressed his forehead back against Lucas’, eyes fluttering shut with a bright smile.

“We should finish up in here,” he said, looking at the clock on the wall. It was getting pretty late. Lucas hummed absently, not quite ready to close up the piano and return to the real world, even if the real world only existed in the time it took them to walk down the hall back to their suite.

Eliott spoke again, voice a soft, sweet melody. “Can you play me one more song before we go?”

Lucas broke into a grin, nodding as he rested his hands back on the keys. He’d already played all of his favorite pieces, but he wanted to impress Eliott further, if he could. He decided to improvise, let his fingers take the song wherever they wanted it to go. There were a few moments that the melody didn’t sound quite right, but it was overall everything he’d wanted to express, an ode to them in every universe. 

“Wow,” Eliott said when he finished. “What song was that?”

“Um, nothing, actually,” Lucas admitted. Eliott furrowed his brows and Lucas rolled his eyes. “I made it up, like, improv, or whatever.”

“You just… improvised that?” Eliott looked incredulous and Lucas couldn’t tell if he was impressed or revolted. 

“Yes?”

“Ok, that’s it,” Eliott said, hopping up off the bench. 

Lucas closed the piano lid gently and followed suit. “What’s it? Did I do something wrong?”

“Wrong? Are you kidding me? That was the most beautiful piece of music I’ve ever heard. And you’re the most beautiful and talented person I’ve ever known.”

“Ha ha.” He rolled his eyes again. “Thanks, I guess.”

Eliott leaned forward and grabbed his hands. “I’m serious! That was— I don’t even know what to call it. It was ethereal, otherworldly.”

“Thanks?”

“Will you compose for Polaris?” Eliott’s eyes widened, like the words slipped out before he was ready for them to. 

Lucas blinked a few times in shock. “Will I what?”

Eliott seemed to compose himself a bit, pulling Lucas closer. “Will you write the music for Polaris?”

“Eliott, I don’t know how to—”

“Yes you do. I literally just watched you do it.” He released Lucas’ hands, only to cup his underneath Lucas’ chin. “Please? We can use this as an excuse to spend more time together…”

“I don’t need an excuse for that, Eli,” Lucas scoffed. The nickname had just slipped out, but it brightened Eliott’s face even further. From the moment the name had slipped from his lips, Lucas and Eliott had both known that Lucas would say yes. 

“So you’ll do it?” Lucas could have sworn it was nighttime, but with Eliott smiling that big it was like the sun had come to invade their shared universe. 

“Yes,” Lucas agreed, “Yes, I’ll do it.”

Eliott pulled him in for another kiss, twirling him around the room as a way to show his excitement. Lucas laughed as Eliott dragged him along, stopping only when their eyes met with a deep intensity fueled by desire. 

Without another word, they were out of the studio, giggling as they ran down the hall back to their suite. Once inside Eliott wasted no time at all, pushing Lucas up against the door and kissing him so hard there were stars in his eyes. 

If this was really his life now, he didn’t ever want to get used to it, lest he appreciate it any less. If this was really his life now… fuck, he loved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	10. x.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one goes out to the lesbians ✊😔 
> 
> tw: eating disorder/ idealization of disordered eating

**Jeudi 15:33**

Imane and Lucas were taking a break while the director ran through a few things with Manon and Eliott that they, the understudies, didn’t need to be a part of. She was studying him carefully as they stretched side by side, and he pretended not to notice. He had no idea why she was watching him as such, but it couldn’t mean anything good. 

Eliott looked so beautiful as he danced, Lucas could hardly keep his eyes off him. Technically, he was supposed to avoid looking at Eliott at all costs, but watching him practice had to be an exception. He didn’t get as hot and bothered when he was focusing on how Eliott was dancing, so that’s what he did. 

Lucas had always envied Eliott’s turn out, even when they were kids. His turn out rivaled even Manon’s, and hers was so spectacular that she could nearly rotate her entire leg so her calf faced upward when she held her leg up in a la seconde. Lucas had worked for years on his turn out and, while it was pretty good, he’d never be anywhere near where Eliott was naturally. He allowed himself to be annoyed by it now, only because he knew he could get extra kisses from his annoyance later. 

He watched the veins of Eliott’s arms as he extended them out to Manon before lifting her and continuing with their choreography. They were pronounced enough that they flexed through his skin slightly with each movement, drawing Lucas’ gaze up and down his arms. So much for not getting hot and bothered by watching Eliott dance. 

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but what the hell is going on with you?” Imane asked in a low hiss. 

Lucas dragged his gaze away sharply, hoping his cheeks weren’t as red as he assumed they were. “What are you talking about?”

She sighed like he was the biggest idiot in the world. “First you go off on Eliott at that party, then you disappear for days, then Manon says you’re acting all optimistic and sappy, both of which are so  _ not _ you—” 

He opened his mouth to argue but she held a hand up, silencing him before he could even get a word in. 

“—Yann says you haven’t talked to him at all since the party, you’re not spending all your time in the studio for extra practice, you look like you’ve actually been sleeping, and you keep glaring at Manon and Eliott like they ran over your puppy or something. I know you hate Eliott, we all know, but  _ come on _ . Weren’t things getting better between you two recently?” she finished with an exasperated breath. 

Well, at least his lovesick staring was interpreted as glaring. He’d been so sure Imane had been onto his and Eliott’s relationship. She was pretty smart, after all, and not as oblivious as he wished she would be sometimes. Maybe he was better at hiding his love than he thought he was, which was another cause for celebration. 

He mulled over what to say in his head, knowing that no matter what Imane probably wouldn’t be satisfied. “I’ve been really behind on our online classwork, hence why I was MIA all weekend. Also I was sick, just a small bug I guess, because I’m better now. As for yelling at Eliott at the party… I don’t know what to say, he deserved it. Yes, I was a little bit drunk, but he’s an asshole, so…”

“Lucas please, we’ve talked about this,” Imane groaned. 

He glared at her. “You were the one who asked, if you didn’t want me to profess my hatred for Eliott, you should have let it be.” It was thrilling, in a small way, to talk about Eliott as if he wasn’t head over heels for him. Part of him felt a little bad he was keeping up this ruse, but they’d both decided it would be easier to hide their relationship if everyone thought they still hated each other. Or, that Lucas still hated Eliott, because apparently it had never quite gone both ways. “Things will never  _ get better _ between us, I’m just riding the rest of the year out and hoping to end up in a company that he’s not in.”

That was a lie, a bit fat lie. All he’d been thinking about recently was him and Eliott joining a company together, falling a little more in love every day and supporting each other through it all. What a dream it would be to live together outside of the school, going on dates or just staying in bed all day on their days off without anyone interrupting them. 

Imane didn’t look entirely convinced, but she let it go. “I’m just worried about you, Lucas.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Oh yeah?” he asked with a small smirk. 

“Shut up.” She nudged him with her foot, rolling her eyes. “I’m allowed to be worried about you.”

“Because you love me and you care about me?” he prompted, fluttering his eyelashes. 

“I’m not even dignifying that with a response.”

He leaned closer to her grinning widely and posing with his hands under his chin. “Because I’m your best bud?” 

She scoffed. “We are not best buds.”

“We so are.”

“The gay guy and the muslim. Best. Buds.”

“Not a chance,” she said with a small smile. Lucas met her eyes and the two of them laughed together, hiding their mouths with their hands so as to not draw attention and get kicked out of class. She sighed once their laughter had subsided. “Ok, fine. We’re buds.”

“Best buds?”

“Don’t push your luck dingbat.”

Lucas laughed so hard that he had to pretend he was having a coughing attack, Eliott catching his eye halfway through, biting his lip to keep from laughing as well. Lucas rolled his eyes at his boyfriend, fond smile working its way over his face. Forcing himself to focus back on Imane, he coughed one last time. “Dingbat is a new one.”

She wiggled her eyebrows mischievously. “There’s plenty more where that came from.”

“I don’t doubt that for a second,” he agreed. The director called them back up to participate a moment later, and not a moment too soon because Lucas was mere seconds away from either bursting into another fit of laughter or staring Eliott down despite the promises he made to himself.

Eliott was probably going to be the death of him, but he found that he didn’t mind going out this way. He’d die a thousand times for Eliott’s smile. 

 

**Samedi 18:21**

Lucas and Eliott had been in the studio all day working on Polaris. Since Eliott had asked him to compose, Lucas had been anxious to begin, even if he still had some doubts about his composition skills. So far he’d played a variety of melodies until Eliott heard something he liked, then built off that. He had no idea if this was how composition was supposed to work, but Eliott’s excitement was contagious.

“Not to be gay, but if you don’t come over here and kiss me in the next two seconds I might explode,” Lucas said from the piano bench, watching Eliott go over various phrases he’d created, trying to match and adapt them to the meoldy Lucas had been working on. 

Eliott paused and raised his eyebrows, but came closer until he was standing above where Lucas was sitting down. He leaned down, whispering softly to Lucas before bringing their lips together. “Why would you say ‘not to be gay’ and then do just that?”

Lucas broke away from the kiss, pouting. “I can’t help being gay around you.”

“Can you ever?”

“Yes. I could totally pretend I was straight if I wanted to, you’re just lucky I don’t want to.”

Eliott hummed, leaning back in. “Lucky indeed.”

Lucas opened his mouth to invite Eliott in further, leaning back unconsciously until he was lying down on the piano bench, Eliott hovering over him, still locked in a passionate embrace. Lucas pulled him closer still, never getting enough of Eliott. He didn’t think he ever would, he’d always crave everything that Eliott was, a hunger never satisfied. 

Thinking about hunger, he realized that the two of them had been working so long they’d completely forgotten to eat.  A part of Lucas was satisfied, glad that Eliott wasn’t watching over him like a fragile piece of glass that might break under pressure anymore, and another part felt guilty. He shoved that part down, choosing instead to focus back in on the taste of Eliott, the way his hands moved from Lucas’ hair to his face, to his ribcage, to— 

A loud thud sounded as Eliott’s hand slipped off the edge of the narrow piano bench and he tumbled to the ground, nearly taking Lucas with him. Lucas sat up, looking stunned down at him on the ground. Eliott gazed back up at him for a second before Lucas burst into laughter. Eliott frowned up at him. 

“Really?” he demanded, but the corners of his mouth twitched. Lucas laid back down on the bench, this time on his stomach so he could look down at Eliott. He was still laughing, body bouncing up and down with each inhale and exhale. Eliott reached up with one hand and Lucas laced their fingers together, closing his eyes to the simple bliss of holding hands with the boy he loved until he felt Eliott pulling him and he slid off the bench, onto Eliott. 

“Really?” he mimicked, but now Eliott was laughing too. “Why is that your go to move?” he asked, giggling and pressing his head into Eliott’s chest. He shifted so he was straddling Eliott, lifting his head and fixing Eliott with a desire filled gaze. Eliott’s laughs subsided and his eyes softened, neck stretching up as Lucas bent back down, meeting each other halfway. 

There was nothing in the world Lucas wouldn’t do with Eliott, and he intended to start now. Just as Eliott placed his hands underneath Lucas’ shirt, fingers tracing the lines of his ribcage lightly, the door to the studio rattled. It must have been the director coming to do studio checks.  

Lucas scrambled off Eliott, both of them standing up and gathering up their things. They could hear a voice on the other side of the door and they panicked. Their allotted studio time was supposed to have ended a few hours ago, and they’d be in trouble if anyone found them in there past when the studio had been booked.

Eliott nodded to the only other door in the room, the door to the closet that held the studio cleaning supplies, weights, thera bands, and anything else anyone might need for practice. Lucas didn’t spare a moment, grabbing Eliott’s outstretched hand and letting himself be led into the small enclosed space. They’d barely closed the door behind them when the director walked in. 

Only… it wasn’t the director. It was Manon and Daphné. Lucas squinted through the slatted gaps in the door, allowing them to see out— barely so— but not allowing anyone to see in. Lucas groaned internally, they’d be stuck there all night. Daphné and Manon had both been freaking out about getting extra practice time earlier in the week, so of course they’d had to choose the one studio Eliott and Lucas had been using. 

Eliott tapped his fingers on Lucas’ wrist, looking at him questioningly. Lucas sighed dramatically as he could without making a sound and nodded to Eliott’s phone, pulling his own out. 

**Lucas:** We’re going to be stuck in here a while

**Eliott:** i don’t mind ;)))

**Lucas:** :)

**Eliott:** just a smiley ? :((

**Lucas:** Ha, sorry

**Eliott:** u good lu?

Lucas snapped his head up, catching the way Eliott’s eyes were illuminated by the light of his phone. It wasn’t the first time Eliott had called him Lu, but it was the first time since they’d gotten over themselves and gotten together for real. It struck a chord in his heart, making heat rise to his cheeks, almost making him forget the fact they were stuck in a dark, small closet.

Eliott frowned, raising his eyebrows and nodding down to his phone. There was so much earnest in the way Eliott looked at him, and it was exactly what Lucas needed at that moment. 

**Lucas:** Yeah

**Lucas:** Just a little uncomfortable is all

**Eliott:** oh? i can try to move a bit

**Lucas:** No, no, that’s not why

**Eliott:** are u claustrophobic ??

**Lucas:** No

Eliott met Lucas’ gaze again, question in his eyes. Lucas didn’t want to say it out loud, or over text, because Eliott would probably laugh, and then Manon and Daphné would find them and they’d have a lot of questions to answer. Also, who was scared of the dark at his age?

**Eliott:** lu… 

**Lucas:** It’s nothing, let’s just see how much longer man and daph are going to be

**Eliott:** bs

**Eliott:** u don’t have to tell me, i guess, but i don’t want u to be uncomfortable :(

**Lucas:** Please, Eli

Grudgingly, Eliott put away his phone, leaning his head back against the side of the closet. Their legs were somewhat entangled, knees pulled up, and Lucas tried to focus on that instead of the overwhelming darkness. His phone timed out and turned off, causing him to stiffen involuntarily, turning it back on in a hurry. Eliott caught the movement eyes going wide as he brought his phone back out.

**Eliott:** you’re still afraid of the dark

**Lucas:** No I’m not

**Eliott:** yes u are

**Lucas:** Please don’t laugh

**Eliott:** why would i laugh?

**Lucas:** Because you always used to laugh about it

**Eliott:** i’m very mature now, i’ll have u know

**Lucas:** You pulled me into a fountain

**Eliott:** only after you pushed me!

**Lucas:** Yes, but I never claimed to be mature

**Eliott:** … fair

Lucas snickered quietly, earning him a light kick from Eliott. He bit his lip, shrugging and pretending he had no idea why Eliott was glaring at him. 

**Eliott:** ok so u can laugh at me then?

**Lucas:** Yes, it’s outlined in the rules of our relationship

**Eliott:** before or after ‘lucas gets no kisses if he laughs at eliott’

**Lucas:** *gasp* You wouldn’t.

**Eliott:** … 

**Lucas:** Ok, fine, I take back my laughter 

**Eliott:** :)))

**Lucas:** Idiot

**Lucas:** Why do I love you again?

**Eliott:** you love me?

Shit, had he really just texted that? He’d wanted the first time he said it to be, preferably, not over text while hiding in a supply closet. Literally anywhere else. Eliott wouldn’t meet his eyes, watching his phone like it held the answers to the secrets of the universe. 

“Yes,” Lucas whispered, voice low enough that the music from outside covered it, “I love you, Eliott.” 

His brain didn’t tell him  _ too fast too fast too fast _ , it didn’t tell him that Eliott didn’t actually love him back, despite saying so, it didn’t tell him that he was all alone. Instead it was bursting with love and light, thinking about them, their future, the ways Eliott’s eyes told him that he would always have a home with him, the way a brushing of their hands communicated so much more than a faint touch. It didn’t scare him anymore, and he figured if he could find someone to help him get over his fear of being unloved and abandoned, he could get over his fear of the dark with the same person.

**Eliott:** i love you too

**Eliott:** but you already knew that

**Lucas:** Eh, doesn’t hurt to hear it a few more times

**Eliott:** good, because i plan on telling you every single day for the rest of our lives

**Lucas:** Promise?

**Eliott:** promise.

Lucas couldn’t help himself, didn’t care if Manon and Daphné heard them, he dropped his phone in his lap and leaned forward grabbing the back of Eliott’s neck and pulling them together. He could feel Eliott smiling against his mouth, and he was pretty sure he was doing the same. Eliott’s hands found their preferred resting spot on both sides of his face and Lucas melted into the touch, wondering once again how he’d gone without it for so long.

The music shut off and Lucas became aware of his breath, of Eliott’s breath, of the sudden silence that engulfed the room. The two of them froze, pulling apart and peering out the gaps in the door to the best of their ability. 

Daphné was walking to the door and Manon was looking at her as she went, laughing at something Daphné must have just said. There was a moment, a blink and you’ll miss it moment, and suddenly everything became glaringly obvious. He anticipated it barely a second before it happened, only because he knew Manon nearly as well as he knew himself. How could he have not seen it before?

“Daph, I have to tell you something,” Manon’s voice rang out through the studio, reaching out for Daphné’s hand. Daphné looked at Manon’s hand on hers, then wrinkled her brows in confusion. 

“Yes?”

Manon shut her eyes, biting the inside of her cheek. Lucas could practically sense every feeling she was feeling, the fear and the doubt and the urge, nonetheless, to air all her feelings in the open. “I… I think that I—” she cut off, taking a deep breath. 

Daphné gripped Manon’s hand harder and Manon’s eyes shot open. “I think I’m in love with you Daphné.”

Daphné blinked in surprise but she didn’t pull away. Eliott reached out to tap Lucas a few times disbelievingly, accidentally smacking his face as they watched Manon look at the ground, Daphné pulling Manon closer a bit before she took a few steps herself, closer and closer until their lips touched. 

Lucas slapped Eliott back letting him know, yes, they were seeing the same thing. He was happy for them, it was hard for him not to be, especially given the conversation he had with her earlier in the week. He felt bad for not realizing it earlier, but he supposed they’d both been a little bit too wrapped up in other people that they hadn’t seen what was right in front of them. 

Manon and Daphné were still kissing, which was all well and good, but Lucas really wanted to leave the closet sometime soon. The literal closet, not the figurative one. He wondered if Manon would tell him about Daphné, but then figured it would be a bit hypocritical for him to be mad if she didn’t, given his own secret relationship. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity to them, but probably only an instant to Manon and Daphné, they left hand in hand. He hoped Imane was already asleep, he didn’t know if she would be too pleased with her roommates hooking up in the suite they all shared. Not everyone was as lucky as Lucas was with Eliott. 

As soon as he was absolutely certain they were gone, Lucas pushed open the doors, wasting no time tumbling out. Eliott followed him, closing the closet door gently behind him before turning to Lucas with wide eyes. “Manon and Daphné! I never saw that one coming, Charles and Manon always had that sexual tension or whatever…”

“I know,” Lucas said in disbelief. In all honesty, he was glad it wasn’t Charles. He hadn’t treated Manon the best, but always framed their disputes in a way that Manon blamed herself, at least from what Manon had told him over the summer, so he was happy she’d fallen for someone who saw her worth. At least he hoped so, if Daphné didn’t… he knew where to hide her body. 

“Like you and Lucille, right?” Lucas added with a smirk. He didn’t really know or care much about Eliott and Lucille’s brief relationship, but Eliott had all but told him he’d never really loved Lucille in the way he loved him, so he wasn’t too worried about it. 

Eliott laughed at the insinuation, ruffling his hair with one hand. “Appearances aren’t all they seem to be, noted.”

“You didn’t know that already?” Lucas teased. “Everyone still thinks I hate you.”

“Yeah, about that, you  _ could _ take it a bit easier on me now, right?” Eliott grinned, holding out both of his hands so Lucas could fold them into his. 

Lucas scoffed, faking a loud laugh. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“You’re right,” Eliott conceded, “The only thing that keeps me away from you in class is knowing that everyone thinks we hate each other.”

“That’s all?” Lucas pulled Eliott closer to him stretching their arms out to the side. His face was level with Eliott’s chest, so he looked up at Eliott, glint in his eyes. He loved their height difference, he really did. 

“Mmmm.” Eliott leaned his head down, brushing their noses together before scrunching his nose up against Lucas’ intentionally. Lucas repeated the action and the two of them dissolved into giggles, Lucas pulling away long enough to make sure they had everything they’d brought to the studio with them before planting a quick peck on Eliott’s lips and pulling him after him into the hallway. It seemed that this was how most of their nights in the studio ended, and Lucas wouldn’t change a thing. 

 

**Lundi 17:03**

That had been the worst day of practices Lucas had in a long time. Not because he, or anyone else, did anything wrong, but he could tell that the pressure was getting to them all, instructors included. The show was approaching rapidly, even though it still seemed so far away. Eliott was back in the director’s good graces, which was good because rehearsals probably would have entered an entirely new level of hell if he hadn’t been. Lucas couldn’t even imagine what it would be like if Manon somehow fell from grace. 

Lucas had stayed behind after class to walk back to the suites with Manon, wondering if she would say anything about the weekend’s events. It was fine if she didn’t, but Lucas hoped she would. Maybe he would confide about Eliott too, without saying his name. 

“Well that was something,” she said, and he nodded in agreement. 

“It’s do or die time, if things don’t start looking perfect it’s the guillotine for all of us,” he said. 

Manon smacked his shoulder, but he heard a small laugh. “So dramatic.”

“I know, how did I not know I was gay until I kissed Chloé?” he professed, spreading his arms wide in faux disbelief. 

“You’re ridiculous,” she said, shaking her head, “Why do I love you again?”

The words punched him in the gut, a brief reminder of all that had transpired between him and Eliott, stuck in that tiny closet. She didn’t know about any of that, though, so he smiled wider than the conversation probably prompted, and slung an arm around her shoulders. “Because we match.”

If he wasn’t gay, Manon would definitely be his soulmate, and he hers. Because they  _ did _ match, in so many ways. She was one of the only people that knew everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, and stayed anyway. He did the same for her, knew everything about why she was living in a flatshare over the holidays instead of with her parents just like he was. So many times neither of them had to say a word, knowing exactly what the other needed, and it felt so good to have someone like that in his life after going so long without it. Eliott had become a new source of that same kind of comfort, and Lucas hoped Daphné would be able to do the same for Manon. 

“I have to tell you something,” Manon said quietly, and Lucas knew what she was going to say. He pulled her closer to him, looking at her earnestly. She continued, “This weekend, I took your advice, and I—”

“Lulu! Finally!” Arthur interrupted the two of them, poking his head out the door to his suite as they walked past. Lucas glowered at him in a way that said  _ not now _ , but Arthur continued to grin at the two of them. 

Manon, surprisingly, slipped out of his grip, grinning widely. He grabbed her hand before she could walk away. “Hey, Manon, wait a second—”

“No, don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to you later, I promise!” she shook her head, and Lucas narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Why was she acting so happy all of a sudden? He could tell it wasn’t a ruse, because he could tell when she was being genuine and when she wasn’t. 

“Ok…”

“Bye Lucas, Arthur. I have to get back to my suite anyway, Imane’s making dinner,” she said, waving over her shoulder as she walked a few doors down. Lucas watched her in confusion before turning back to Arthur. That was odd, to say the least. 

“What? We were kind of in the middle of something,” he said angrily. 

Arthur sighed, raising his hands in surrender. “Sheesh, sorry, this is just basically the first time I’ve seen you in like a week. Forget about your future husband so fast?”

It took Lucas a moment to remember what he was talking about, and then he blushed fondly at the memory. Sure, that conversation seemed almost ridiculous now, given the state of his relationship with Eliott, but it was nice to know Arthur had been genuine, drunk as he was. “No, no, of course not. Just busy,” Lucas said. 

“Right…” Arthur said, but didn’t question him further, which Lucas was grateful about. He shook his hair out of the way of his glasses, leaning against the doorframe. “Anyway, want to have a guys night? Sof said he was going to force Eliott to go out to eat with him and Idriss, so we figured you should take advantage of a night without your nemesis and his friends.”

“Eliott’s not my  _ nemesis _ ,” Lucas said, rolling his eyes. 

“Right, sure, archenemy then, I don’t care what you call it,” Arthur backtracked, “What do you say?”

What else could he say? If Eliott was gone there was no excuse to say no. “That sounds great.”

Arthur whooped and let Lucas into their suite, where Yann was already sitting on the couch setting up a video game. Lucas was a disaster when it came to video games, but he figured he might enjoy a night with his best friends, doing something completely mind numbing. If anything, it might tear his thoughts away from that day’s disastrous rehearsals. 

Lucas sat beside Yann, giving him a fist bump. Arthur called to them from the kitchen area. “Yann and I are putting a pizza in, do you have a preference between cheese and pepperoni?”

Lucas shook his head. “I’m not very hungry, plus I have leftovers that’ll go bad if I don’t eat them when I get back tonight.”

“You sure?” Arthur asked, choosing a pizza and setting the oven to the proper temperature. Was he sure? Rehearsals that day had frazzled him, making him remember why he’d all but stopped eating in the first place. He couldn’t be at the top of his game if he was eating pizza and playing video games all night, so he’d just have to choose one to make himself feel better. There were no leftovers in the fridge back in his suite, but the lie came so naturally to him. He didn’t have a problem, he  _ didn’t _ . If he did, he wouldn’t have eaten the pancakes Eliott had made him the night before for dinner. Granted, he’d almost thrown them up but that had more to do with Eliott’s horrible cooking skills than anything else. 

“I’m sure,” he said, ignoring the voice in his head that told him it was the wrong thing to say. 

 

**Mardi 13:30**

“You’re not eating?” Imane asked as he came to sit down beside her. He shook his head, fumbling for an excuse and finding one easier than he probably should have. 

“I’m too nervous, I’d probably throw it all up,” he said. It was partly true. He was a bit nervous for the rest of practice that day, but he hoped it would be better than the day before. Plus, his muscles always looked more defined when he didn’t eat before practice, so none of the instructors could accuse him of slacking if he looked like he was at the top of his game. 

Imane nodded like she understood, which made his stomach roll in guilt. Just his luck, he’d end up throwing up anyway. “I feel that. What is it about this week? I swear no one was this on edge last week…”

Emma sat down at the same table as them, slamming her food down with a loud bang. Imane and Lucas both looked up at her in surprise, then at each other. They were both friends with her, but she usually didn’t join them when they were hanging out. Actually, Lucas usually didn’t join Imane for lunch either, but he knew Eliott would notice if he wasn’t eating, so he told Eliott to go get lunch with Alexia since they hadn’t seen her in a while. In some ways, they also had her to thank for them finally getting together, she’d invited them to that fateful party after all. 

“Hey, Em,” Lucas said slowly. 

She took a bite of her sandwich, looking at him like she’d just noticed he was there. “Hey?”

“Did you need something?” Imane asked, always direct and to the point. 

Emma widened her eyes, finishing chewing before she spoke up. “Oh, shit, did I interrupt something? Were you gossiping?”

“What? No,” Lucas laughed, “You just came and sat down without saying anything. Not that we aren’t pleased to have you with us…”

“Oh, I just wanted to escape Manon and Daphné,” Emma said simply. Lucas’ gaze flickered to Imane again, but she just looked confused. He didn’t know whether this meant they’d told Emma about the two of them, but not Imane, or if they were all still in the dark. 

“Why?” Imane asked. 

Emma shrugged. “They’re both acting super weird. I think they must have gotten into a fight or something, because it seems like they’re both walking on eggshells around each other. I told them to go out to lunch without me and sort out their differences.”

Lucas was pretty sure they’d been “acting weird” to get rid of Emma and go on a pseudo date, but he wasn’t supposed to know that, so he said nothing. 

“Oh, so we’re second choice?” Imane teased, and Emma snorted throwing one of her chips at Imane. 

“It was either you guys or Ingrid…” she trailed off, and the three of them shuddered more dramatically than probably necessary. Everyone else dealt with Ingrid, but she’d personally been a total asshole to the three of them more times than they could count, so they didn’t even pretend to have patience for her anymore. 

“I would have chosen Ingrid,” Lucas said, trying his damndest to keep a straight face. “I’ve missed her homophobic jokes.”

This time Lucas got a chip thrown at him, but he smiled, unable to maintain a serious expression. Lucas was glad that, despite the fact Yann was his best friend, he and Emma had also been able to maintain a nice friendship. It was nothing special, they would never be close in the way he was with Manon or the boys, but she always had his back, no questions asked, so he always had hers in return. 

The rest of the lunch hour flew by, and Lucas found that he was quite glad Emma had joined them. She took his mind off the things he should or shouldn’t have been worrying about, depending on who you asked. It also made him realize how much he’d missed in his little bubble with Eliott, because Emma always had all the gossip. 

Apparently, she and Alex had kind of been seeing each other since the party. She claimed it was just for sex, but he hadn’t seen her talk about anyone like this since Yann. Arthur, also, had supposedly hooked up with someone but refused to say who it was, even to Yann and Sofiane, who’d been pestering him about it. He was usually ready to spill about all of his adventures at the drop of a hat, so this was odd indeed. Basile had confessed his love for Daphné, the likes of which she had gracefully declined, but he didn’t seem to beaten up about it from what Emma knew from Yann. 

It was hard to take in all the information, but it was good to reenter the real world every now and then. After all, this meant that, since he was caught up on all the happenings of the students, he could disappear with Eliott again for a while and not worry about what he was missing. 

 

**Jeudi 19:19**

Lucas couldn’t quite believe what he was doing, but he couldn’t let Eliott know the truth of it. Eliott was in the shower, which usually only took about twenty minutes, give or take, so he had limited time. 

Take out an egg, crack it into the sink, wash it down the drain, leave the shell in the sink so it looked like he’d just forgotten to put it down the disposal, put a pan on the stove, melt butter over the surface, let it sit, wash it out, place it on the drying rack next to a plate and a fork he ran under the sink to give the guise of use, and wipe off the counter as if he’d spilled or gotten crumbs on it. 

It was just a one time thing, of course it was. There was just such a need for perfection that week, and none of the pressure from Monday had subsided, so Lucas figured it didn’t hurt to fall back into old habits until everything was back to normal. It wasn’t a problem, not if he controlled it. 

The door opened just as Lucas was finishing up, and he forced a smile on his face. “Good shower?”

“It would have been better with you,” Eliott confessed, standing in the doorway to the bathroom with just a towel around his waist. 

Lucas raised his eyebrows. “I don’t remember receiving an invitation.”

“Well, just know that it goes without saying from here on out,” Eliott said, and had the audacity to wink. Lucas nearly dropped the towel he was holding. Eliott smirked, knowing the effect he had on Lucas. “Did you have dinner already? I was going to make you something.”

“I decided I’d very much like to avoid food poisoning for the night,” Lucas shrugged, and Eliott’s smirk disappeared. 

“You said you love my cooking!”

Lucas winced. It was quite possible he’d only said that because he was too lovestruck to claim otherwise. “I’m sorry, your cooking is god awful.”

“Lu!”

“Eli!”

“Don’t make me come over there…”

“Oh yeah? And do what?” Lucas teased, knowing by the glint in Eliott’s eye and the way he shifted his position and his grip on the towel that he was driving Eliott as crazy as Eliott was driving him. 

Maybe he should have felt guilty about how easily Eliott believed him, but the satisfaction that rose in its place felt too good to even consider feeling guilty. 

It wasn’t a problem. He had it under control. 

 

**Vendredi 3:58**

Eliott’s soft breaths tickled Lucas’ chest as he ran a hand through Eliott’s hair. Eliott was sprawled out on top of him, deep in slumber and Lucas checked every once and a while to make sure he hadn’t woken him. 

Eliott either slept like the dead or the very much alive, jolting with every touch, refusing to stay in the same position for more than thirty seconds. That night, thankfully was a sleep like the dead night. It was comforting to Lucas to know that, even when he couldn’t sleep, Eliott could. He liked making Eliott feel safe in his arms.

He wasn’t sure why he was still awake when he knew he had to get up in about two hours, other than his mind and body hating him. For the most part, sleeping next to Eliott had helped him with his insomniatic patterns, but there was still nights like these where sleep felt like an illusion, a dream in and of itself. 

Every now and then he found himself drifting, but his body could never commit to it, jolting him awake before the sweet bliss of thoughtlessness could consume him. So, instead of focusing on the fact that he couldn’t sleep, he focused on another of the many things running through his head. 

Polaris was at the center of his thoughts, even though Swan Lake was probably more demanding at that point. Though that was just  _ it _ , wasn’t it? Part of why he thought about, committed so much time to thinking about Polaris was  _ because _ it wasn’t as demanding. He could take all the time he needed to make all the music perfect, and he had Eliott supporting him every step of the way. It was nice to feel like he was wanted in something he was passionate about. 

Rehearsals made him feel that way at times, but he and Imane had pretty much been cast to the side recently, working on their corps choreography instead of practicing with the leads now that they knew all of that choreography. It was frustrating, to have put so much energy into something and still be treated like he was disposable, but such was the life of a ballet dancer. He was sure it would only get worse once he entered a company full time.

_ If _ he entered a company full time. 

It was easy to pretend, with Eliott and with everyone else, that he had no doubts. Of course he’d get into a company, and from there he’d work his way up to principal dancer, no matter how long it took. But none of that was certain. He could audition for a hundred different companies and get rejected by all of them. He wasn’t the type of person that was anyone’s first choice.

He wasn’t even Eliott’s first choice, if he really thought about it. Not that he should think about it, but it was hard not to sometimes. Lucille, even if Eliott hadn’t loved her as much as Lucas, had been the first choice, and there was probably some part of Eliott that would always be aware of that. Lucas knew that there was always some part of him that would, despite the fact that he knew the love the two of them shared had nothing on Lucas and Eliott’s love. 

Lucas was the type to refuse to let himself fail in all areas of his life, so his relationship with Eliott had just become one more thing Lucas would try his hardest to make work against all circumstances, because this failure would mean losing all the light he’d come to know in the past few weeks, plunging back into the darkness he was accustomed to, but afraid of nonetheless.  

Even though he was the type of person to refuse to let himself fail, a voice in the back of his mind always reminded him that it was a great possibility. He couldn’t afford to fail, to do anything other than dance. University didn’t interest him, but neither did any other menial jobs he would need to get to survive outside of the ballet world. Maybe he had a future in composition, but he’d always wanted people to see him, not see other people dancing to his music. Why couldn’t he have both? 

Maybe he’d been conditioned to be humble to the point that he was afraid to ask for the spotlight, even when he knew he deserved it. He could talk to his friends about wanting a lead role, but he always just accepted it when he didn’t get one as if he’d known all along that this was the way it would turn out. It was frustrating, but he didn’t know how to go about changing it. 

Eliott probably could have quit dance tomorrow and been melancholy for a while, but found a new passion that he excelled at, not caring much so long as he had someone he loved by his side. Lucas wasn’t like that. He’d like to say that he was the type of person to be satisfied with a life full of love or happiness, but he knew himself. He knew he could never be happy if he wasn’t trying to make a name for himself or be the best in whatever area he pursued.

Here he was, happiest he’d ever been, but he still wasn’t satisfied. He still wanted  _ more _ . Call him ambitious, prideful, he knew it was all true, and he accepted it. 

Pride was one of the deadliest sins, but Lucas saw no universe in which he could let his go. It was a part of him just as much as his hair or his eyes or his own brain. Maybe he should have tried to let it go, just a little bit, but he didn’t really know who he was without it. 

He never understood how to feel that way about a person, either, to not know how to be without them. He’d never felt like that with his mother, certainly not his father, and Manon was the only one who had ever really come close to being like a true family, but he could still survive without her if he had to. It worried him, lying there with Eliott on his chest, that Eliott might be the first person to ever make him lose himself if Eliott ever left his life. He didn’t want to be dependent, didn’t want to live a life so precariously to the point that he couldn’t exist without the love from another. 

Living without love for so long had made him capable of handling the world on his own, but now Eliott was here, and Eliott loved him, and he didn’t know what it meant if he craved that love he’d lacked for so long. 

Heartlessness was a curse only to those who didn’t know how to wield it the way he’d learned how to over many years. If he couldn’t find it in himself to be heartless anymore, did that make him weak? Did it make him weak to fall asleep with another body wrapped around his every night, finding comfort in the way it helped settle his thoughts and turn his mind off enough to breathe freely even if only for a night?

Granted, he wasn’t finding that comfort at the present moment, watching the clock tick minute by minute as if it were scolding him for being awake. Eliott shifted his body, placing a sleepy kiss on Lucas’ collarbone, one that Lucas was certain he wouldn’t remember in the morning, before settling back in, cocooning himself around Lucas like he was his lifeline. 

In that moment, Lucas didn’t care if it made him weak, he snuggled right back into Eliott, shutting his eyes and tuning his mind to the sounds of Eliott breathing. He could worry about the rest of his life tomorrow, right now he needed to allow himself to be weak, if being held in the arms of someone who loved you was what weakness was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gotta love those 4am thought spirals, right?
> 
> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	11. xi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey long time no see sorry about that my summer class for uni is kicking my ass 🤪
> 
> thanks for bearing with me !!
> 
> tw: eating disorders

**Dimanche 12:24**

It was exam day. Why exam day fell on one of their two days off was beyond Lucas, but it was still exam day. What they all did on exam day every year was book a studio for the entire day and work together so they all passed with flying colors. Maybe it was technically ‘cheating’, but none of them were too worried about their general education requirements other than the bare minimum of passing them. 

All the students in their final year were sitting in a big circle, and Eliott was right across from him between Sofiane and Daphné. Lucas was seated with Imane on his right and Arthur on his left. He’d been surprised when Imane plopped down beside him, but he was grateful she had. They were the best at science out of the group, so they figured out the answers to that exam together while the others worked on different subjects. 

“Lucas, are you serious? The answer to number seventeen is D, not A,” Imane scoffed, looking at his work. Lucas squinted back down at the question, then the answers, realizing she was right. 

“I can’t fucking think straight right now,” he groaned, pressing the heels of his palms to his temples and inadvertently meeting Eliott’s bemused gaze.  _ Can you ever, Lu?  _ His eyes seemed to ask. No, but that was beside the point. His brain power felt like it was running closer to zero than one hundred, which was just great. “Sorry,” he added, erasing the answer on his paper and rewriting the correct one.

Her voice was low when she spoke to him again so no one else could hear. “Are you ok Lucas? You don’t look great. We break for lunch in about a half hour, but I can make up some excuse if you need food now.”

“No,” he said hastily. She narrowed her eyes and he cursed himself for responding too quickly. “I’m just tired, didn’t sleep well last night. Don’t worry about it.”

He could tell she didn’t believe him, but he was saved from more questions by Arthur, who tapped his shoulder. When Lucas turned to face him, Arthur was red in the face. “You, um, you got a text,” Arthur said, nodding to Lucas’ phone, face up on the floor beside them. 

Lucas wasn’t sure why Arthur was acting so weird about it, so he just nodded in acknowledgement and picked up his phone, eyes widening as he saw the notification. Apparently, Eliott had changed his contact name at some point. At least Arthur’s reaction made more sense.

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** hey, u good?

Glaring at Eliott would have been too obvious, so he closed his phone without responding, rolling his eyes before returning his attention to Arthur.

“Um, that’s Mika,” Lucas lied, like it should have been obvious. 

“Oh,” Arthur said, then furrowed his eyebrows, “You’re dating Mika?”

Unfortunately, Arthur’s voice carried. Yann turned to join their conversation, eyes wide. “You’re dating someone Lulu?”

“ _ Mika? _ ” Imane asked incredulously at his side. 

“What about who?” Manon asked from beside Daphné. 

“Nothing,” Lucas answered at the same time Yann said, “Apparently Lucas has a boyfriend.”

“ _ What? _ ” Emma and Daphné gasped at the same time.

Lucas grimaced and risked a peek at Eliott through squinted eyes. Unsurprisingly, Eliott looked like he was holding back a laugh, despite being the reason Lucas was in this situation in the first place. Everyone was looking at him with rapt attention, and he sighed heavily before pulling an explanation out of his ass. 

“Yes, it’s Mika, no, Mika is not my boyfriend. He saved his name on my phone as boyfriend because the last time we went out some creepy guy was hitting on me so he left and called me so the contact would show up on my phone and the guy would leave me alone. I just forgot to change it back, sue me,” Lucas explained, acting like it was the most normal thing in the world. He saw Eliott bite his lip as further restraint to keep from laughing though Lucas remained unamused. 

“Oh,” Daphné said sadly, “How amazing would it have been if you had some hot secret boyfriend!”

Manon nudged Daphné in the side, shaking her head dubiously. Daphné furrowed her brows, clearly not understanding why Manon had cut her off. “What? I love love, I want my friends to find love.”

Arthur laughed and wiggled his eyebrows in Lucas’ direction. “If Mika gets to be your boyfriend do I get to change my name to ‘future husband’?” he asked with a laugh. 

Lucas couldn’t help but crack a smile as well, patting Arthur’s shoulder sympathetically. “In your dreams Tuturo.” There was only one person in that room Lucas planned on marrying, and it wasn’t Arthur, despite drunken promises that had been made. Well, drunken on Arthur’s end, at least. 

Manon was squinting her eyes at Lucas again, like she was trying to read something on his face so he schooled his features back into neutrality, hoping she wouldn’t text Mika to fact check. 

Eliott, however, was raising his eyebrows at Lucas. He nodded down to his phone, and Lucas sat back from the circle a bit to see what else Eliott had sent.

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** future husband? do i have to fight arthur?

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** i don’t want to fight him i like him :(

**Lucas:** Hilarious

**Lucas:** We made a marriage pact when he was drunk, but don’t worry, it only holds up if we’re both single at 30

**Lucas:** Which I don’t plan on 

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** oh, no? got anyone in mind?

**Lucas:** There’s this one guy, but he’s really bad at math, so… 

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** fuck i love you  

“What did Mika have to say?” Manon asked, drawing Lucas back into the conversation. He was sure his face was bright red and he didn’t know how successful he’d been at maintaining a straight face while he texted Eliott. Probably not too successful, if he had to guess.

“He wanted me to approve his outfit for a date he has tonight,” Lucas said with an eyeroll. 

Manon didn’t look convinced. “On a Sunday?”

“I guess,” Lucas said with a shrug, hoping she wouldn’t ask for more details. She still looked skeptical, but she let the subject drop as Lucas scooted back into the circle, turning his phone on do not disturb mode just in case.

The rest of the exam day passed without incident, but Lucas saw Eliott watching him nearly the entire time, completely unsubtly. Thankfully, everyone was too focused on passing their exams to notice. 

Manon pulled Lucas to the side as they finished up, waiting until everyone left. Eliott shot a glance Lucas’ way that Manon missed, furrowing his eyebrows slightly. Lucas shrugged nearly imperceptibly, trying to communicate with his eyes that he would be back to the room later. A small part of his brain told him that if he was gone long enough he could tell Eliott he’d eaten dinner with Manon and he wouldn’t question it. 

Once the room was empty Manon raised one eyebrow, leveling him with a glare. He scrunched his nose and looked around the room for an answer to her unasked questions. “What?” he asked defensively. 

“You know what,” she said, crossing her arms. 

“No, I really don’t.”

She sighed deeply, like he was being dumb on purpose. “Mika didn’t text you.”

“Yes, he did,” Lucas argued. 

“No, he didn’t.”

Lucas narrowed his eyes. “And how would you know that, huh? Mika and I have inside jokes that don’t involve you.”

“Lucas, you can tell me you know.” She had a slightly hurt expression on her voice and Lucas wondered if she really had figured out his relationship with Eliott. It was weird, though, that she hadn’t said anything to Eliott about it. They spent all day in rehearsals together, had booked plenty of extra studio time together, there was plenty of opportunity to talk about it.

“Tell you what?” he asked hesitantly. 

“About your  _ real _ boyfriend.” He didn’t say anything to that, allowing her to continue before he said anything to confirm or deny her suspicions. “I mean, I get why you’d hide it, it’s just a bit obvious.”

“Manon—” he began with a sigh, resigning himself to the fact that she was just always a step ahead, but she cut him off. 

“I’m happy you’re with him, though. I’ve always thought you two had a lot of chemistry,” she admitted. 

“Really?” he asked incredulously. As far as he was aware, she had always been pretty accepting of the fact that he’d hated Eliott, especially given everything he’d shared with her about his life over the summer. 

“Yeah…” she said slowly, “I mean, you don’t think so?”

“I’m still not confirming or denying anything,” he said with a shrug. He hadn’t forgotten that she still hadn’t told him about her and Daphné. 

She mimicked his shrug, feigning nonchalance. “Fine, I’ll just ask Arthur then.”

Now he was even more confused. Did Arthur know too? He supposed it was possible, but he was sure Arthur would have said something to him by now. “Why would you ask Arthur?”

“Because he’ll tell me if you’re dating or not,” she said simply. 

“Why would he know?” Lucas asked. 

“Why… wouldn’t he know?” Manon was looking at Lucas like he had either grown a third head or was talking utter nonsense. “I’m pretty sure Arthur would  _ know _ that he’s dating you.”

Oh.  _ Oh _ . 

Well, this was an interesting turn of events. On the upside, Manon didn’t actually know shit, but on the downside, he’d basically admitted he was dating someone, and if it wasn’t Arthur she would have to make another guess. He couldn’t just go on having her think he was dating Arthur, though. “Manon, I’m not dating Arthur,” he said. 

“Lucas, please—” she began, but he cut her off.

“I swear, Manon, I am not and  _ do _ not plan on dating Arthur. The whole ‘future husband’ thing was an inside joke,” he explained. 

She shook her head in confusion. “Wait, then who are you dating?”

“I told you, Mika texted me, his name was saved as that because of an experience we had when we were out together once.” He may as well  _ try  _ to lie about it. 

“Lucas.”

“Manon.”

“I’ll tell you something in exchange,” she tried, even though he already knew her secret. 

“But I have nothing to exchange,” he pointed out, “I’m not dating anyone.”

“ _ Lucas _ .”

He did sort of want to tell her, but he didn’t want to hear anything about how he’d hated Eliott for so long. All of that was in the past for him, but he knew it would be hard for Manon to be happy for him when she was the only one who really knew why he’d broken ties with Eliott in the first place. He switched tactics, trying to catch her off guard. “Are  _ you  _ dating someone? A certain mystery someone? Is that why you’re so interested?”

She blinked rapidly, face going red, and even though Lucas already knew that she and Daphné were together, he couldn’t help but grin in surprise at the fact she couldn’t conceal her feelings from her face. He laughed in disbelief. “I can’t believe it. You so are. Did you take my miraculous advice?”

“Maybe.” She looked down at the floor but Lucas saw a hint of a smile on her face. 

“And…”

“And?”

He rolled his eyes. “And, I was right, wasn’t I? You confessed your love and threw yourselves into each other’s arms?”

“Shut up,” she said with a grin, swatting his arm. 

“I’m serious!” he giggled as he leaned away to avoid another slap. “Is it Charles?”

He didn’t know why he asked about Charles, especially when he knew it was definitely not Charles, but everyone deserved to have their coming out moment, if she even wanted to do so, and he didn’t want to insinuate anything before she was ready. 

“No, it’s not Charles,” she said quietly. He nodded for her to continue. She did, a bit hesitantly, “It’s not a boy.”

Lucas couldn’t help the grin that split across his face as he pulled Manon into a hug. She squeezed him back after a moment head resting on his shoulder gently. “Welcome to the club,” he said lightly, pulling back from the hug and checking her face to make sure she wasn’t freaking out. He wouldn’t have blamed her if she was, he’d almost combusted when he officially came out to Yann. 

She smiled weakly, taking a breath. “Lucas, it’s… it’s Daphné.”

He pretended to be surprised and hoped Manon wouldn’t see right through him. “That’s amazing, Manon, really. I’m happy for you both.”

“Thanks.” Her smile was more genuine now, and she looked a bit more at ease. “God, I’ve wanted to tell you so bad I could just never find the right time…”

“Hey, no worries. These things take time,” he assured her, voice whispering in the back of his head that he should just say something about Eliott already, especially if she’d trusted him enough to divulge this secret. Was it a secret? “Is it a secret, though? Should I pretend I don’t know?”

She shook her head. “No, I told Daph I’d tell you, but we want to keep it pretty low key until Swan Lake is over so no one makes a big fuss about it.”

Sometimes he and Manon thought so much alike it scared him. It also made him feel even more guilty he was lying to her about not being in a relationship. He nodded understandingly, but not  _ too _ understandingly. “My lips are sealed.”

“It’s been so hard not saying anything to anyone, you know? Like, I feel like my heart has grown three times the size it used to be but no one else has noticed,” she said emphatically, and Lucas knew exactly what she meant. His heart felt the same way.

“The only hard thing,” she continued, “Is that we both want to dance for the rest of our lives, we’ve always known that.”

“Why is that the hard part?” he asked. 

“Because, what if we end up in different companies? I know it's too early to say so, but I want her by my side forever, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to be the dancer I know I am without her with me,” Manon emphasized, voice slightly pained. 

Lucas put his hands on either one of her shoulders. “First of all, I feel like when you know, you know. I don’t think it’s too early, especially when you’ve known each other for ten years. That aside, if you guys  _ really _ are forever, a little distance won’t be the end of you. Plus there’s a great opportunity you’ll both make it into the same company after graduation, especially if you go to the same city.”

“Who are you?” Manon asked.

Lucas rolled his eyes again. “Man, I’m serious.”

“I am too, why are you giving me rational advice? No offense, but you’ve never been my go to advice giver, especially when you’re so shit at taking it yourself, grudge boy.” She raised her eyebrows at him, and he blushed.

“Grudge boy, that’s a new one,” he said.

She placed her hands on top of his. “I’m not saying you don’t have a reason to hold a grudge, I’m just saying maybe you should take some of your own advice and live and let live. Even if you refuse to tell me about it, I can tell that someone has a hold on your heart. Pretend all you want, but you forget that we share a soul, and that I feel everything you feel just like you feel everything I do.”

It was really annoying how perceptive she was. “You can keep it to yourself for now, but you deserve to be happy. As long as he’s making you happy, I guess I can’t complain,” she added, “Also, I still have my money on Arthur.”

“I’m not dating Arthur,” he said fruitlessly, earning him a sly grin. She probably still didn’t believe him, but at least he didn’t feel as guilty now. If she went on thinking he and Arthur had a secret relationship, that was on her. 

It hit them both that they’d been talking much longer than anticipated, and Lucas knew Eliott was probably wondering where the hell he was. Plus, he was tired as hell after taking exams all day. 

Lucas made obnoxious kissing faces when he dropped Manon off in her room, which he could tell she was only pretending to be annoyed by. The love emanating off her was too strong for her to actually have been mad. He wondered if his own love was as apparent, even in small ways. One part of him hoped it was, another part hoped it wasn’t.         

 

**Lundi 2:17**

Another night, another couple hours lying awake against his will. He hadn’t dwelled too much on his middle of the night thoughts during the hours he was supposed to be awake, but every time he laid down in bed for the night they came creeping back, interrupting the peace he found in Eliott’s arms. 

“You’d tell me if anything was wrong, right?” Eliott’s voice ghosted on his back as Lucas laid tangled in his arms and legs. He startled slightly, he’d thought Eliott was already asleep. 

Lucas didn’t know where the question came from, but he lied swiftly. “Of course.”

Part of him felt bad for lying, especially when he could tell Eliott cared so much about him, but he didn’t want to deal with the things he was feeling, at least not verbally or at two in the morning. He didn’t want to be a burden on Eliott, a broken mess Eliott had to continually pick up the pieces to. 

“I love you, Lu, more than you know.” Eliott’s voice came in a murmur, and Lucas wondered if maybe he was asleep after all, or halfway there. His heart burned at the words, burned of his own love mixed with his feelings of unworthiness that only came out at night. 

The best thing to do, the only thing to do was to shove everything to the back of his mind, ignore it all, and respond from the depths of his heart and soul. “I love you more than the moon loves the sun, Eliott Demaury, don’t you ever forget it.”

Eliott never responded, breathing slow and steady, which was just as well. Lucas even found himself drifting off into oblivion as well, the tundra inside his brain finally slowing down enough for him to take a real breath and remember that what Eliott said was true. He was loved in a way he’d never been loved before, and he should be taking advantage of that instead of running through all the things that could, and invariably would, go wrong.

 

**Mercredi 12:57**

Being in love was really annoying. He couldn’t keep losing his breath every time he caught sight of Eliott, it was getting ridiculous at this point. Although, in his defense, he did have a reason to lose his ability to speak or form a coherent thought at that moment. 

Eliott had texted him to meet outside the school at 13h, and to wear something nice. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that meant Eliott was planning a date, but Lucas found himself giddy and nervous nonetheless. It was the first date they’d been on, and the first real one Lucas had  _ ever _ been on, now that he thought about it. They had Wednesday rehearsals cancelled because the director was out for the day, and Eliott clearly intended to take advantage of a day free of worrying about classes.

Lucas didn’t really know what ‘dress nice’ entailed, so he put on a pair of jeans and a blue denim shirt with a white shirt underneath. He didn’t have a suit, or anything, so this would have to do, given that most of his clothes were made for working out. 

Eliott, though, clearly knew what ‘dress nice’ meant. Because holy fuck. He had a green short sleeved turtleneck on that should not have made Lucas feel the way he did, but he couldn’t control the visceral reaction he’d had when he walked outside and caught sight first of Eliott’s fluffy hair, then the clothes hugging his figure. 

“Hi,” Eliott said, shoving his hands in his pockets as Lucas approached. 

“H-hey,” Lucas stammered, still at a loss for words. “I feel a little underdressed.”

Eliott looked him up and down, scrunching his eyebrows. “Are you serious? If we didn’t already have plans I’d already be tearing those clothes off you.”

“Eliott!” Lucas giggled, scandalized. 

Eliott laughed softly before calling him out. “Oh, please, like you weren’t thinking along the same lines?”

“Not that I  _ was,  _ but…” Lucas trailed off, forgetting what he was going to say when Eliott smiled at him so earnestly he thought he might melt on the spot. He blinked a few times to regain his composure. “Anyway, where are we going?”

Eliott shrugged, walking away backwards so Lucas would know to follow him. “Anywhere and everywhere,” he said when Lucas caught up to him. Anywhere and everywhere. Yeah, Lucas could get behind that. 

It was thrilling, to walk around together in plain sight, no one even glancing at them twice thinking,  _ hey, Lucas, don’t you hate Eliott?  _ Because he didn’t hate Eliott, and he didn’t have to here. 

When Eliott reached for his hand, Lucas grabbed it readily, beaming ear to ear. Eliott’s thumb rubbed circles on the back of his hand idly, and every touch made his heart stop beating just a little bit. 

When they ended up in front of the Louvre, Lucas looked at Eliott in amusement. Could they be any more cliche? 

“We’re tourists for the day,” Eliott explained, “Besides, when’s the last time you’ve been here, appreciated the art for real?”

It had been years, Lucas realized. He’d never cared much for museums, much less art museums, but the look in Eliott’s eyes changed his mind. He knew Eliott was passionate about art, especially dance, but from the minute they entered the museum it was like Eliott was an entirely new person. 

He pointed out and explained all of his favorite pieces in painstaking detail, and Lucas found himself hanging on to every single word. Sure, he didn’t care much about old art hanging on the walls of some buildings, but Eliott made him care. He made him realize that it was more than just a painting or sculpture, it was a way of living, of seeing, of expressing oneself in a way that was completely unique. 

“How we feel when we dance, that’s how da Vinci felt when he was painting the Mona Lisa. It’s incredible, the things that people can do, the feelings they can convey with a single paint stroke. I wish I could do that, have that impact,” Eliott said breathlessly as they ran through the museum, ignoring all the security guards disapproving stares.

_ You can _ , Lucas thought, but he didn’t say so. Maybe he should have, but he didn’t think Eliott would hear it at the moment. It was ok, though, to take a moment to be inspired, let that inspiration fuel the times to come. Of course Lucas knew that every step Eliott took was impactful in the same way the Venus de Milo was, but it was ok for him to keep that to himself for the moment and let Eliott soak in all this work that clearly meant so much to him. 

“Promise me we’ll go to New York some day,” Eliott said, staring up at the ceiling in awe. 

“Why?” Lucas asked, looking at Eliott instead of the art. He would argue that what he was looking at was more beautiful than any piece on display. 

“Van Gogh’s Starry Night is in New York, at the Museum of Modern Art. It’s my favorite painting of all time,” Eliott explained. 

Lucas scrunched up his nose and giggled. “Isn’t that a little cliché? Everyone’s favorite is the Starry Night.”

“That doesn’t make it any less beautiful.”

Well, that was true, Lucas supposed. “What’s the one of that weird dude yelling with all the orange in the background?” he asked. 

“The Scream?” Eliott clarified with a raised eyebrow. 

“Yeah, that one’s my favorite. Is that in New York too?” Admittedly, it was the only famous painting Lucas knew, other than the Mona Lisa and Starry Night. It was his favorite of the three, though. He felt an affinity for the screaming dude, sometimes he wanted nothing more than to just yell his problems into the void and have no one judge him for it. 

“No,” Eliott said, “The Scream is in Oslo. I don’t mind, though, we can go there too. I’ve always felt weirdly connected to Norway, for some reason. Maybe it’s your parallel universe theory, the original versions of us came from Norway or something.”

Lucas smiled and nudged Eliott lightly. “It’s not  _ my  _ parallel universe theory, it’s a very popular concept.”

“And here I thought my boyfriend was a genius,” Eliott gasped with false shock. 

“Hey, I  _ am _ a genius,” Lucas shot back, taking both of Eliott’s hands and looking up at him with his head cocked to one side. 

Eliott considered him carefully, stepping closer as Lucas stepped behind himself until his back was pressed against the wall. “Mmm, no,” Eliott said slowly, softly, “You, my love, are a masterpiece.”

Lucas may have commented on the term of endearment if he wasn’t so entranced by Eliott’s eyes, searing with desire. Their hands were still connected, and Eliott pressed them against the wall lightly. “What are you doing?” Lucas asked with a tone of false innocence. Or maybe he didn’t. It was hard to tell when Eliott was still looking at him like that.

“Pinning the artwork to the wall,” Eliott said matter-of-factly, closing the short distance between the two of them, not a moment too soon. Lucas’ brain didn’t even have time to register how utterly ridiculous the words Eliott had just said were, it was too busy honing in on all the details of how Eliott was kissing him. 

He kissed back just as hungrily, rising up on relevé and clenching Eliott’s hands a little bit tighter. Eliott peppered kisses to his collarbone and Lucas tipped his head back, breathing heavily, opening his eyes a fraction only to remember where they were. Shit. 

“Eliott… Eliott…” his words came in gasps and, to his embarrassment, it sounded more like words spoken in passion than the fact that he was actually trying to get Eliott’s attention. That security guard looked like he might have been setting his sights on them. 

“Eliott,” he hissed, more sharply this time, and Eliott finally blinked up at him, lips puffy and so irresistible looking that it took all of Lucas’ self control not to lunge back into a kiss. “Security guard,” he said under his breath, and Eliott turned to look where Lucas was looking. 

“Shit,” Eliott murmured, realizing the guard was coming closer. They straightened out their clothes and separated from one another, trying to look and act casually. Maybe he wouldn’t say anything if they pretended nothing had happened. 

Then again, was luck ever on their side? “Excuse me,” the guard said, and Lucas looked at him with wide, innocent eyes. “This is a highly revered institution, if you’re going to disrespect the property I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

“We meant no disrespect,” Eliott said hurriedly, corner of his mouth quirking up, “But can you blame me? He’s more beautiful than all the art here.”

To his credit, the guard looked amused as he gestured to the exit. “I think it would be best for the patrons of the museum if you two took this elsewhere.”

“Buzzkill,” Eliott sighed as Lucas led him toward the exit by the hand, throwing an apologetic glance over his shoulder. Once they were outside Lucas put his face in his hands, cheeks burning. Never in his life would he have considered that he might be kicked out of a museum for making out with his boyfriend in the middle of the gallery. At least the room they were in had been mostly empty. 

“Where to next, Romeo,” Lucas said once he’d squeezed every bit of embarrassment out of himself, knowing this interaction would probably jolt him awake ten years in the future, remembering the look on the guard’s face and cringing internally. 

Eliott merely raised his eyebrows and slung an arm around Lucas’ shoulders. It fit there perfectly, but what else was new. “I wasn’t expecting to get kicked out of the Louvre, so I guess you’ll have to bear with me while I make up for lost time.”

Lucas smiled, leaning his head on Eliott’s shoulder. He could do that. 

 

**Mercredi 18:33**

They ended up doing the most touristy things Eliott could dream of, including going to Notre Dame, walking along the Seine, standing underneath the Arc de Triomphe, where Eliott took an absurd amount of pictures of him, and intentionally getting scammed by people selling poor quality berets on the streets. Being a tourist in his own city went against every principle Lucas had ever set for how to act in public, but he found that this was the greatest day he’d had in a long time. Lucas was even still wearing his shitty beret.

Now, Eliott was standing beside Lucas at the top of the Eiffel Tower, the last stop on their great Parisian adventure, and Lucas couldn’t even find it in himself to roll his eyes at the cheesiness of the gesture. Maybe it was a bit more romantic than he gave it credit for. Then again, Eliott could have pushed him into the Seine and Lucas would have thought it was the most romantic date ever. He giggled to himself at an idea that slipped into his mind, catching Eliott’s attention. 

“What’s so funny?” Eliott asked, looking at him with a glint in his eye. 

“Nothing, nothing,” Lucas giggled again, “I was just thinking, if we get married, we should do it on the bank of the Seine.”

Eliott looked surprised, and Lucas blushed to himself. What was he doing, talking about marriage when they were seventeen? Sure, they’d joked about it a few times, but it felt different after the whole day they’d spent together. “Ok. May I ask why?” Eliott asked.

Lucas bit his lip, hardly containing his grin. “So I can push you in at the end, for old times sake.”

Eliott huffed out a small laugh, closing his eyes as his smile split his face. “Only if I can pull you in after,” he negotiated. 

“Duh.” Lucas glanced at Eliott once more out of the corner of his eye before turning his gaze to the sunset in front of him. He didn’t usually care much for natural beauty, finding beauty in movement and sound and in the walls of a dance studio, but there was something particularly special about that sunset, almost like it had been crafted just for them. 

“Excuse me,” Eliott said, and Lucas turned his head again only to realize Eliott wasn’t talking to him. He said a few words to a woman behind him, handing her his phone and returning to join Lucas. 

“I asked her to take a picture of us,” Eliott explained, “Is that ok?”

“Of course,” Lucas responded, turning to the camera. Eliott pulled him back to face him. 

He fidgeted and cast his gaze downward. “Actually, I was hoping we could like, kiss, or whatever? It’s cheesy, I know, but…”

“Shut up,” Lucas said with a smile, pulling Eliott down to him. They probably kissed longer than the photo required, but the woman taking the picture didn’t seem to mind, telling them that they were a beautiful couple and she wished them the best. Eliott pulled up the picture when she was gone, and Lucas knew that, from his face, it was perfect. 

All you could see was their silhouettes, lit from behind by a mix of orange, yellow, pink, purple, and blue light. It was obvious that they were kissing, obvious how much they loved each other, even in the darkness of the figures. It was Lucas’ favorite picture in the whole world. 

 

**Jeudi 20:41**

It had been difficult to return to the real world after their day of false tourism. Lucas let himself believe that he’d entered one of his parallel selves for the day, a Lucas who knew nothing of Paris, or ballet, and had wanted to experience it all for the first time. 

He kept checking his phone to look at the photo of them at the Eiffel Tower as the sun set over the city just to make sure he hadn’t imagined the whole thing. He was nearly certain he hadn’t paid much attention during rehearsals, but he couldn’t help it when he’d just had the best day of his life. How did one come back down to earth after getting a taste of heaven? 

Eliott was stretched out on their couch in the living room and Lucas was sitting at the counter with his laptop, trying desperately to work on his online schoolwork. He’d hoped this week would be a bit easier going because of exams on Sunday, but of course not. 

He might have succeeded in getting work done if Eliott didn’t look so fucking cute and wasn’t wearing one of his hoodies. They had never verbally agreed to share each others clothes, but Lucas stole one of Eliott’s shirts, then Eliott stole a hoodie, and things had only progressed from there. Not that they could wear any of it anywhere other than in the confines of their suite. 

“Eli, Eli, Eli,” Lucas whined from the counter, drooping his head into his arms against the cool surface. Eliott’s eyes peeked up at him from underneath the hood and his floof of hair. 

“Yes, my love?” Eliott responded, mimicking the way Lucas’ head was lying on the counter.  _ My love _ . It was the second time he’d said it, but Lucas had been so lovestruck the first time he’d nearly forgotten about it. They didn’t do pet names, they really didn’t, other than Eli and Lu, but could those even be considered pet names if they’d been using them since they could speak? Lucas would probably die of embarrassment if Eliott called him babe or baby.  _ My love _ . There was something about that one, though, something that set Lucas’ heart on fire. 

“I can’t concentrate when you’re over there looking like that,” Lucas huffed, pretending to be upset. 

Eliott frowned sympathetically. “Welcome to my world, Lu.”

“Shut up,” Lucas said, burying his grinning face back into his arms. 

“Oh, so you can say things like that but I can’t? That seems unfair Lallemant,” Eliott countered. 

Lucas let out a giggle. “I’m Lallemant now?”

“Only because you’re not Demaury yet.” This smooth fucker. Lucas was completely, one hundred percent done with him. He loved him so much. 

He sat up fully, trying to turn his attention back to his computer screen so as to not give away how flustered he was. “Well, until then…” Lucas trailed off, clicking his space bar to wake the computer from its screen saving mode. 

He let out a small gasp of shock as hands wrapped around his torso, pulling him off his seat and back onto the couch. The surprise didn’t last long, Lucas sank into Eliott’s touch almost immediately, curling into him like it was what he’d been made to do. Eliott wrapped his arms tighter around Lucas, placing his head on one shoulder. 

“Mmm,” Eliott hummed softly into his ear, “I should make us dinner, you’re too skinny.”

Lucas could tell by his tone that he’d meant it as a joke, but every single nerve in Lucas’ body stood on end at the words. He didn’t mean to, but he stiffened in Eliott’s arms, trying to steady the rapid pace of his heart. He’d been so careful, trying to make sure Eliott didn’t notice… and maybe he didn’t, maybe he was just making an excuse to get up and make food, but what if he wasn’t?

“Lu? You ok? I was just joking,” Eliott said, pulling back slightly. He knew Eliott knew the implication of his words, he might have been the  _ only  _ one that knew, but Lucas had been saying he was ok, so maybe Eliott forgot about when he wasn’t. 

“You— you don’t— I’m not—” Lucas was trying to hold his words back as they came out of his mouth, and he knew the exact moment Eliott worked out what he was trying to say, because he pushed Lucas off his lap to look into his eyes. 

They were beautiful, still, but they were furious. “Lucas. You haven’t been… no, you can’t have been, I’ve made a point to make meals with you…”

He didn’t have a problem he didn’t have a problem he didn’t have a problem he didn’t— 

“Lucas, say something.” Eliott interrupted his thoughts. 

But what could he say?  _ I push around food on my plate and throw it away when you aren’t looking? I put on a whole façade every time you leave the room to make it look like I cooked and ate a full meal? I’ve been ‘eating’ with friends so often so you wouldn’t notice anything, because I know you’re the only one who would notice? _

Eliott blinked at him in shock and Lucas realized he might have actually said that all out loud. Lucas recoiled as he saw the shock turn to disbelief and something that looked vaguely like anger. It reminded Lucas of how Eliott had looked after he’d insulted him at the party a few weeks back, but he was pretty sure this argument wasn’t going to end with a kiss. 

“I’m just kidding,” Lucas tried weakly, and he knew in that instant that it was the completely wrong thing to say. 

“Don’t you fucking dare, Lucas, I don’t even know what to say—” Eliott broke off, standing up from the couch and running his hands through his hair. “You’ve been lying to me this whole time. Why? I  _ love _ you, and I only want the best for you, so why wouldn’t you tell me when you’re slipping back into this?”

“Because it’s not a problem, Eliott! I have it under control!” Tears pricked the corners of Lucas’ eyes and he willed them away. Fuck, he was such an idiot. So, so stupid. 

Eliott clenched his fists at his sides, looking down to where Lucas was still sitting curled in on himself on the couch. “It  _ is _ a problem, Lucas! Maybe you tell yourself it’s not to justify your unhealthy behavior, but it is a problem!”

“Eliott—”

“Stop. If you’re never going to admit it to yourself, maybe I have to spell it out for you.” Eliott’s breaths were heavy and ragged, like he was angry and heartbroken at the same time. “You have an eating disorder, Lucas. I don’t know how long this has been going on exactly, but if it’s so easy for you to find ways to hide the fact you don’t eat, I’m going to take an educated guess it isn’t a new thing. Which also begs the question of why no one else has noticed before.” A pause. Then—  “I noticed, I always noticed.”

Lucas halted his rapid train of thought. “What does that mean? You  _ always _ noticed?”  __

“I notice every little thing about you, you think I’m not going to notice when the circles under your eyes are so dark they look bruised, or when you look so small I could wrap one hand around your waist? I ignored it for years, I told myself it wasn’t my problem, that you had Yann, and Manon, and Emma, and Arthur, and Daphné, and Imane, and probably a shitload of other people you cared about more than me. I made my peace with it and I pretended not to notice. I’m so fucking sorry for that, you have no idea, I’m sorry for being selfish and not speaking up when there was a real problem that no one was doing anything about. But I’m not sorry right now, because you need to hear this, you need to stop living in denial and realize that  _ this is a problem _ . One that could cost you your fucking life if you’re not careful, Lucas!” His voice broke again, and Lucas felt a tear slip down his face at the same time he say one slip down Eliott’s. 

Eliott was silent for a moment, and Lucas thought he might have run out of things to say, when he added, in the softest, most broken voice Lucas had ever heard, “I can’t lose you Lucas, not when we’ve only just started what’s meant to be a life full of love.”

Lucas was at a loss for words. Eliott had noticed everything. Even when he’d been so careful over the many years, never taking things far enough to raise suspicion. No one else had ever noticed anything, but Eliott had, Eliott always had. Lucas loved him so much that he didn’t know what to do with it, so he did the only thing he knew how to do when confronted with an ugly truth. “Fuck off.”

The tears stopped running down Eliott’s face almost immediately. Lucas practically saw him close himself up, putting up walls that Lucas had only just started to see through. 

“Fuck off,” Lucas repeated, hating himself more than anything, “You don’t know shit, Eliott. You noticed everything, huh? What about the actual bruises, what about the way my spirit was crushed inside me every time I came back to school from the holidays? Huh? You noticed what was convenient, just so you could have this big ‘I told you so’ moment somewhere down the line. You didn’t want to have to deal with any of the real shit, so you just hyper focused on one thing, ignoring what wouldn’t make you a hero.”

“Are you serious right now, Lucas?” Eliott’s voice was cold, dead, defeated. “I need to know if you’re serious.”

He wasn’t, because it shouldn’t have been Eliott’s job to notice. He was, because if Eliott had made it his job to notice, why didn’t he notice  _ everything _ ? Lucas must have been silent a second too long, because Eliott took a deep, heaving breath and stormed to his room. He made way to slam the door, turning around to meet Lucas’ eyes at the last second. “I’ll let you win tonight, only because I can’t fucking deal with this right now, but I’m not pretending anymore. Starting tomorrow, we’re going to eat together for every meal, and I don’t care if you hate me again, but I won’t let you kill yourself slowly. We can start small, but we are going to start somewhere, because you have an  _ eating disorder _ Lucas, and yeah, it’s a problem.”

The door slammed before Lucas could respond, which was probably a good thing, because Lucas might have said something he regretted. The sick, twisted thing about it all was that Eliott’s care for him only made him want to eat less. He wanted to show Eliott that what he was doing wasn’t a problem, and that he could keep doing it as long as he wanted, no matter what Eliott thought was best. He didn’t need a fucking babysitter, and he sure as shit didn’t want his boyfriend to act like his parent. If Eliott even still was his boyfriend. 

This was a mess, a mess of Lucas’ own making, but he couldn’t find it in himself to feel guilty or remorseful about any of it. He felt proud that it had taken this long for anyone to snap, realize that they didn’t want to hold their tongue anymore. 

Maybe it  _ was _ a problem, like Eliott had said, but it had always been Lucas Lallemant versus the world, and he’d learned how to thrive in that isolation. When the world threw quite a few punches, he punched back, never accepting anyone on his team because he  _ didn’t need it _ . As much as he loved Eliott, he didn’t need him to be there to take care of him, he could do it all himself as he always had done. If Eliott didn’t understand that, maybe it would be better if they went back to being less than friends. Sometimes the best way to love someone was to let them go, and Lucas knew he’d only ever be a burden if he made Eliott stay. In the long run, Eliott would probably thank him for ending things before Eliott started to resent the fact that Lucas wasn’t perfect and, ok, maybe  _ did _ have a problem. It was his own thing to deal with, and Lucas would make sure Eliott knew that from here on out. 

Lucas could already feel it hurting, the loss of the one person he’d thought he’d never have to lose, but at least he was accustomed to pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we haven't had a trajeudi in a while... so... 
> 
> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	12. xii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: eating disorder, anxiety attack, manic episode, negative self talk/thought
> 
> this chapter was very emotionally draining to write, so take care of yourselves and don't read if you don't think you can/should
> 
> i'll write a brief summary at the beginning of next chapter for those who need to skip this one <3

**Vendredi 7:42-23:56**

Lucas and Eliott hadn’t spoken a single word to one another since the night before. Eliott was already up when Lucas woke from a fitful slumber, already missing Eliott’s calming embrace. It was wild how he could get so accustomed to sleeping in someone else's arms so quickly, but he’d better get used to being alone again real quick.

The breakfast Eliott made was quite simple, just some scrambled eggs and toast, and these scrambled eggs didn’t look like they had been experimented on, so they were probably edible. Eliott didn’t force him to eat anything, but Lucas knew that there would probably be hell to pay if he didn’t, so he ate his eggs in silence, skipping the toast and leaving the room before Eliott could grab his things to follow. 

Manon met him with a worried look on her face, always knowing how he was feeling before he did. “Lucas?” she asked earnestly, “Is everything all right?”

He nodded noncommittally, which he knew wasn’t much of an answer, but she seemed to understand that he was in no mood to divulge the cause of his woes right before classes started for the day. 

Everyone could tell something was off with him, he knew it, but at least it didn’t impact his performance skills. The less he liked himself, the harder he worked in class, so he supposed that at least one good thing had come from the fight he’d had with Eliott. 

More than anything, though, his heart burned. It burned because Eliott was everything to him, but they could never be together in the way he’d thought anymore. He didn’t want a parental substitute, he didn’t want to be a burden, but he knew those things would happen if they continued their relationship. He resolved to talk to Eliott about it after class, wishing things didn’t have to be this way more than anything. 

Imane whisked him away for lunch, and Eliott joined them, of course. She seemed a bit confused, but Eliott claimed they had to go over a few things for the role of the Prince, and she sat in relative silence while Eliott went on about various things they’d already discussed about the role. Lucas was short with his answers, avoiding eye contact, but as far as Imane knew, that was normal. 

The audacity Eliott had to think he could just go ahead and control Lucas because he saw a problem where there wasn’t one… Lucas was torn between telling Eliott to go fuck himself or never talking to him again. 

Eliott left the table right after Lucas finished his food, and they didn’t talk again for the rest of rehearsals, didn’t share glances, didn’t even acknowledge that the other existed or that they’d been in love the day before. 

Lucas was still in love, but he was working on fixing that. If he ever could. In the end it was just another sad fucking day for a sad fucking boy who was going to have to live a sad fucking life. Holding onto a lost love was definitely in the requirements of living a sad life, so Lucas supposed he wasn’t too far off from the life he’d always been meant to live.

Practice went a few hours longer than usual, probably to make up for the Wednesday they’d had free of rehearsals, so Lucas was dead tired by the time he packed up to go back to his room for the night. Yann and Manon both checked with him before he left, making sure he was ok, the only ones able to see what he kept beneath the surface, and he told them he’d talk to them later in the weekend when he wasn’t so tired. Whether or not that would actually happen was a good question, but at least he got them off his back for a night. He was too emotionally exhausted to do anything other than lie in his room until Eliott forced dinner on him. 

In his room, Lucas laid flat on his back on his bed, not letting himself feel anything more than what he’d allowed himself to feel since Eliott stormed into his room the night before, which was nothing at all. He couldn’t afford to feel things, not when it could make him realize that maybe he didn’t have everything under control and maybe he did need help. 

Yet slowly, surely, the feelings trickled in, unwanted but creeping through the corners of his brain into his heart and pumping through his veins. They swarmed his body, a paralyzing bind compounding the realization that he was both very very alone and very very not ok. All the things he’d kept himself too busy to think about, either with dance or with Eliott, came on in a wave, one that kept crashing until he was pulled too far under that it seemed the surface was only an illusion. The terrifying thing about drowning wasn’t the act itself, but the thought that it could have been prevented, if only he had realized he was drowning sooner. Now it was too late. 

Tears streamed down in steady rivulets, drawing patterns down his cheeks and onto his sheets as he stared at the ceiling, barely consciously aware that he was crying. He wrapped his arms around his middle, clenching his shirt in his hands, then releasing it after a moment, sitting up in bed to catalogue his limbs, starting with his hands. His hands, made for playing the piano and for lifting his partners and for holding Eliott’s face in between them, for lacing their fingers together even when they got sweaty or uncomfortable. His wrists, which looked fit to snap at any moment but were still expected to be strong enough to bear the weight of the world. 

It wasn’t a choice to be like this, but it was nothing if not the consequences of his own actions. Take control of something, anything, he’d told himself for years, and this was the result of when he did. He shouldn’t have been in control of himself, if this was what happened. 

His ribs and spine poking through his skin in ways he had never paid enough attention to, but he felt embarrassed by, knowing how many people saw him look like this every day and never said anything about it. Except Eliott. 

Except Eliott, who he hadn’t wanted to see it, but had anyway. Because Eliott was always looking, and Eliott noticed everything about him. Because he cared, for some reason. And Lucas hadn’t really figured it out until that moment, because no one had ever really cared about him like that before. 

He was on his feet, moving to the door he’d slammed without a second thought, vaguely aware that the tears were still coming and had no plans of stopping anytime soon, wrenching the door open only to see Eliott waiting on the other side with a stunned look on his face. 

When he took in Lucas’ appearance, the wetness on his face and the crescent moon shaped indentations in his outstretched palms, he welcomed Lucas into him without a single word, folding the already small but too small boy into his strong, capable arms, one hand wrapped around the back of his head, pulling Lucas into the crook of his neck. 

“I’ve got you,” he whispered into Lucas’ hair, holding Lucas like he might lose him if he let go for even an instant. “I’ve got you.”

Eliott had him eliott had him eliott had him eliott had himeliotthadhimeliotthadhim… 

Eliott had him. 

Breathe in.

Eliott had him.

Breathe out.

_ Eliott had him _ . 

“I’m so sorry.” It was a choked sob, but it was the best Lucas could muster, turning his tear stained gaze to Eliott. 

“Shhh,” Eliott said soothingly, wiping a tear from his cheek, “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“But I do—” Lucas tried, eyes welling with tears again. 

“You can’t apologize for things that are out of your control, and I never expect you to,” Eliott said. If Lucas wasn’t in shambles, he might have been annoyed by how perfectly Eliott responded to any situation shoved into his way. 

Lucas pressed his forehead to Eliott’s chest, wanting to speak, but not knowing what else to say. There was too much to say, too many things to be addressed, so he said nothing. Eliott heard him loud and clear, wrapping him up and carrying him bridal style to Eliott’s bedroom, lying him on the bed, leaving only to close the door and turn out the lights before coming back and sinking into bed beside him. 

They laid facing one another, Lucas curled in on himself a bit, Eliott looking at Lucas with an earnest intensity that said,  _ when you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen _ .

Lucas wasn’t ready yet, so he waited for the sobs to subside, closing his eyes and focusing on the sound of Eliott’s breath until he  _ was _ ready. 

“I was going to break up with you,” Lucas said at last, opening his eyes only to be met by Eliott’s soft yet intense stare. He didn’t move a muscle as Lucas spoke, a silent gesture to continue. “I was going to break up with you because I thought you were the problem, that your care was unjustified,” he continued, before taking a breath and speaking the words he’d been holding in longer than he realized. He was blubbering, words barely intelligible, but it felt good to get it all out, finally.

“Maybe not unjustified, that’s the wrong word, but your care felt undeserved, because it’s the only care I’ve received in a long time. I don’t want to discount Manon, because she was a godsend, and still is, but she doesn’t always  _ see  _ me, the way you do. It scared me, that you saw me, because if I didn’t like what I saw, why should you, or anyone? I’ve never been in control of my life, but a few years ago I found a way that I could be. No one seemed to notice, and I only got more focused and better in the studio, so I thought there was no harm done. Being in charge of this one aspect of my life was the only thing that I could cling on to, really, especially when things were so bad at home, so I clung to it like my lifeline, not even consciously aware that I was doing so. I think it only became so noticeable, so bad this year because my holidays weren’t spent in fear, I didn’t need that control for a few months, so I let myself be happy.

“The thing about being happy when you’ve been unhappy as long as you can remember is that everything feels so real and so fake at the same time. I knew it wasn’t going to last, but I pretended that it could and I lived in that state until I came back here to start the year. That’s why you were the problem, because I couldn’t exist in that same state of ignorance with you, because you watched and you noticed and you loved and I’ve never felt any of this before in my entire life. The more you loved, the more I felt like a burden, and the more I convinced myself that it was your problem, not mine. But it is a problem,  _ my _ problem. I am not a problem, which I’m saying because I know you’d correct me if I said otherwise, and also because I’m trying to believe it myself, but I  _ have _ a problem. I have an eating disorder Eliott, and I need your help.”

Lucas heaved out a heavy breath when he finished speaking, a weight lifted from his shoulders. He hadn’t even realized it had been there. Eliott was still just looking at him, so he amended, “Not only you, of course. But I was hoping you’d help me get whatever help I need. If you want to. It’s your choice, you don’t have to feel obligated to do anything for me, ever.”

“It’s never an obligation, Lucas, it’s all a pleasure,” Eliott said, and Lucas surged forward, kissing him hard. It was an ugly kiss, the kind they never show in movies, but it was so real, the realest kiss the two of them had ever shared. Eliott brushed their noses together when they broke apart. “Whatever it takes, however long it takes, I’ve got you. Always.” 

Finally, finally, Lucas let himself believe it. 

 

**Samedi 2:13**

Lucas had drifted in and out of sleep a few times, continually jolting awake with the fear that when he opened his eyes he’d be alone. But Eliott was always there to smooth his hair, to wipe his tears, and to pull him close, whispering I love yous into his ear until he fell back asleep.

This moment of consciousness wasn’t the same sort of jolt as before, more of a slow reassurance that Eliott was still there holding him. There were coils in the pit of his stomach, twisting against his will as he remembered all the things he’d said earlier. He wished he hadn’t, in some ways, because he didn’t want Eliott to think him weak or to think he couldn’t handle some things on his own anymore. 

It was something he’d have to work on, accepting help from others before he got to his breaking point.

“Are you still awake?” Lucas whispered, eyes still closed. Eliott’s hands fluttered in his hair, and Lucas opened his eyes to be met by the steely blue gaze he adored. 

“I am.”

“Go to sleep,” Lucas said.  _ Stay awake so I can count the stars in your eyes, _ he meant. 

Eliott caught the words unsaid, like he always did, staying silent but awake. Lucas sensed the silence that engulfed them, let it ring in his ears until the silence became its own sound and he worked up the courage to say what he wanted to say. 

“You know how you called me Lallemant the other day?” he asked. Eliott nodded, a crease forming between his brows. “And said it’s because I wasn’t Demaury yet?” Another nod. 

Lucas shifted his position a bit so they were exactly eye to eye. “That’s what I want too. If this is it, I want to be a Demaury. Not now, but when it’s time.”

“Why?” It wasn’t a rebuttal, but a question asked of genuine curiosity. 

Lucas cast his gaze downward. “Because I’ve never been a real Lallemant, and I don’t think I want to be one. Lallemants hit their sons and villainize their mentally ill spouses and take everything good and turn it rotten. I don’t want to be like that, and I don’t want to give that name to you, someone who embodies everything good about the world.”

“Lucas…”

“I’m not saying this to make you feel bad for me,” Lucas said, “I’m just saying it because I want you to know.”

“Lucas,” Eliott repeated, more seriously, “Thank you. For telling me this and for telling me everything earlier. Thank you, thank you, a hundred times, thank you. Because I know you, I know why you keep waking yourself up, and I know you regret saying anything, but trust me, this doesn’t make me think any less of you. You’re the strongest person I know, and all of this, asking for help, it only makes you stronger in my eyes. Ok?” 

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

Lucas giggled softly, the noise foreign to him. “Ok.”

“You’re beautiful when you laugh,” Eliott said, and Lucas drifted back off into the land of his subconscious, dreaming of him and Eliott and their love all the while. 

 

**Samedi 10:55**

When Lucas woke up for real, he was almost positive everything had been a dream. He awoke alone in bed, but it wasn’t  _ his _ bed, so he didn’t know what to think. The door was open, so Lucas sat up slowly and made his way into the living space cautiously, where the blinds were wide open and soft music was playing from the kitchen. 

He looked closer and saw Eliott behind the counter, back facing him, nodding his head along to the music he was listening to with a dish towel over his shoulder and a spatula in his hand. Lucas felt his heart break open at the sight, imagining himself waking up to this same scene years from now in a home they shared. Last night couldn’t have been a dream, he decided. 

Was it ok for him to go back to their normal dynamic, or would things still be tense? He was so grateful that Eliott had listened to him the night before without complaint, but a small part of him still felt like a burden, felt bad that he’d unloaded everything on Eliott and asked for help solving it. 

“Lu! I’m so sorry, I was going to make you breakfast in bed…” Eliott’s eyes widened when he turned saw Lucas standing in the middle of the room.

Lucas smiled against his will. There was way too much food being made that Lucas knew he and Eliott both wouldn’t eat, but he was appreciative that Eliott was trying to frame eating as a fun surprise rather than forcing him to sit and eat while Eliott watched and made sure he wasn’t pretending. “Thank you,” he said softly, sitting at the counter. 

Eliott must have realized his tone of voice didn’t match the atmosphere of the room, because he turned down the music and looked at Lucas seriously. “Do you want to try anything? I made pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, waffles, tried and failed to make crepes, avocado toast, omelettes, blueberry-bacon muffins, and got some croissants down the street.”

“Wow.” Lucas blinked. “That’s… a lot.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel like you have to eat everything, but I wanted to give you as many options as I could because I don’t know what you like best,” Eliott explained sheepishly. 

They both looked at each other for a beat and all that could be heard were the soft sounds coming from Eliott’s speaker. Lucas furrowed his brows, turning his attention to it. “Eliott. Please tell me you’re not listening to Britney Spears.”

Any tension in the air evaporated as Eliott’s grin spread across his face and he turned up the volume on “Baby One More Time”. Lucas looked on in disbelief as Eliott lifted the spatula to his mouth and began to sing along.

“ _ My loneliness is killing me… AND I… I must confess, I still believe… STILL BELIEVE! _ ” Eliott spun around, making his way over to Lucas on the opposite side of the counter and serenading him. He held out a hand, which Lucas refused to accept, trying to hide his own grin. 

“ _ Give me a siiiiiiiiiiiiiiign, hit me baby one more time! _ ”

“How did I not know that you’re a secret Britney fan?” Lucas asked over the music, still refusing to give into Eliott’s temptations. Eliott bounced his head along to the beat, stepping closer and closer into Lucas’ space. 

“I’m not a secret Britney fan,” he said with a shrug, “I’m very vocal about my love for Britney Spears, you just hated me for so long I had to tell Sofiane and Idriss about it.  _ They’re _ the secret fans.”

Lucas opened a space between his knees for Eliott to stand between, wrapping his arms around his neck. “I can’t believe it. I think I find the man of my dreams only to discover he’s a huge Britney Spears fan.”

Eliott snapped his head up, eyes meeting Lucas’ so fast Lucas worried he’d said something wrong. “I’m the man of your dreams?”

Oh, that was all? He’d thought it was obvious. “Yes, of course,” Lucas said genuinely, “You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not from now on.”

“Mmm I like it a lot.” Eliott ran one of his hands through Lucas’ hair. It was almost like they’d picked up where they left off, as if yesterday had never happened. No, more like yesterday  _ did  _ happen, but they were at a place now where they could grow from it, tell each other everything and know that they’d always have each other’s backs. Twenty four hours of pain for a lifetime of communication and support didn’t seem like a terrible trade-off. 

“I like  _ you _ a lot,” Lucas said, leaning closer to the man of his dreams. Eliott brushed their lips together in a slow, deep kiss. All the emotions that had emptied out of Lucas began to refill when their lips touched and he felt hungry. Hungry for Eliott, hungry for the breakfast spread in front of him, hungry for the life he’d been neglecting to live. 

_ “Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know?” _ Eliott hummed against his lips, leaving their foreheads pressed together. 

Lucas rolled his eyes and sighed.  _ “Oh pretty baby, I shouldn’t have let you goooo…” _

“You know it!” Eliott exclaimed.

Lucas rolled his eyes again, with passion. “Everyone knows it, Eli.” He grinned, raking his hands through Eliott’s soft hair. Even after spending so much time together recently, he still didn’t know how it looked and behaved the way it did, all gravity defying and fluffy. 

“Now get me some pancakes before I die of the sound of Britney Spears’ nasally voice,” he added, nodding to the full buffet laid out on the other side of the counter. 

“Anything for you, baby,” Eliott said with a wink and Lucas glared at him. 

“ _ Call me baby one more time _ ,” Lucas sang jokingly, “I dare you.”

“Call me maybe! That’s a good one too.”

“I hate you so much.” Lucas put his face in his hands. 

_ “Hate me baby, one more time,” _ Eliott sang as he set the plate in front of Lucas, still grinning ear to ear.

Lucas grabbed his fork and felt his heart race a bit as he stared at the food, two pancakes with syrup and fresh berries. It was nothing to freak out about, he could do this. Eliott must have realized his apprehension, because he sat down and touched the top of Lucas’ hand gently. Lucas flipped his palm over and clasped his hand into Eliott’s grip, cutting a piece of pancake with the edge of his fork and putting it in his mouth. It was shit, but he forced it down like it was the finest cuisine in the world.

“I couldn’t ever hate you again, not even one more time,” Lucas said once he finished the small bite. “Thank you. For this, for everything. In this universe and all others, you’re the best person I know.”

Eliott’s expression softened, and he pressed a small kiss to Lucas’ hand, still wrapped in his. “I love you more than the sun loves the moon Lucas soon-to-be Demaury, don’t you forget it.”

“Soon-to-be?” Lucas raised his eyebrows.

“You said it first, not me.”

“I don’t think I said  _ soon-to-be _ .”

“Potato, potato.”

“You realize the point of that saying is to say one of them po-tay-to and the other po-tah-to, right? You just said po-tay-to twice.”

“Eh, tomato, tomato.”

“It’s to- _ may _ -to, to- _ mah _ -to!”

 

**Samedi 23:59**

The day had gone great, but Lucas was very tired out. They’d decided to wait until the weekend was over to talk to the director or the nurse about Lucas’ eating disorder, wanting to enjoy a few days of peace to themselves, and Lucas was glad they had. There was enough food leftover from breakfast that they didn’t have to cook the rest of the day, and Eliott sat with Lucas during lunch and dinner, making sure he ate without being overbearing about it. The food did leave something to be desired, but Lucas didn’t really want to tell Eliott that he was a terrible cook, not when he seemed to be in such a good mood.

For some reason, Eliott had an endless supply of energy all day, Lucas could barely keep up no matter how hard he tried. It was odd he’d be so energetic, especially given the fact that Lucas suspected he’d barely slept the night before. Maybe he was so overtired he was giddy, that had happened to Lucas on occasion. 

“Eli, come lie down with me,” Lucas called from his bedroom. He’d wanted to get to bed before midnight, but Eliott kept distracting him with stolen kisses and dances around the living room. It was sweet, and it was fun, but now he just wanted to cuddle the night away.

Eliott poked his head into Lucas’ room, glancing at where Lucas laid on the bed in just a pair of boxers. “Fuck! You’re hot. But I can’t, I’ve had a sudden inspiration for Polaris.”

“Oh, yeah?” Lucas sat up on one elbow. “Do you want to talk it through with me? I’m not the best choreographer, but maybe I can help out.”

Eliott laughed. “No, no, go to bed. I have to be out in the elements anyway. It won’t have the same effect here, you know?”

Lucas didn’t know. “The same effect?”

“Rain! The kiss will be in the rain. Isn’t it perfect? If it’s not raining out now, I’ll go somewhere and buy all the water in the world to make my own rain, or maybe I can collect it from the sinks until they run out. Do the sinks ever run out of water? We should try, just to see. Imagine what would happen if our sinks ran out of water! It would be like the apocalypse, we’d have to make teams and bear the barren wasteland of society on our own. I’d have you on my team, of course, and probably Imane. She’s smarter than everyone, so she’d be able to find us more water. And tomatoes. Tomato, tomato, potato, allegro, overthrow, staccato, romeo, vertigo, domino, stereo, commando. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we all went commando from now on?” Some of Eliott’s words were barely distinguishable through his laughter. 

Lucas felt a bit uneasy. “Eliott, are you all right?”  

Eliott sobered immediately, coming to sit on the edge of Lucas’ bed. “Would you call me crazy if I said this is the best I’ve felt in my whole life?”

“I’d never call you crazy,” Lucas said earnestly, reaching for Eliott’s hand, but missing as Eliott stood back up abruptly and went into the living space. “What are you doing?” he called. 

“I never sleep, ‘cause sleep is the cousin of death!” Eliott yelled back to him.

“What?”

“It’s Nas,” Eliott explained with a gasp, passing back in front of the door and leaning on the frame. “Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of Nas!”

Lucas merely shrugged. He probably had, but he was more into classic rock than hip hop. Eliott shook his head like Lucas’ response personally offended him. “Nas is amazing. Almost as amazing as dubstep and Britney Spears. And me. I’m the most amazing of them all.”

“Oh, yeah?” Lucas asked warily, eyes drooping. Maybe he was already asleep, that would explain the odd behavior. 

“I can do anything,” Eliott said, grinning brightly, “Goodnight!”

“Goodnight?” Lucas responded as Eliott turned off the light. He could still hear Eliott humming in the other room, but he was too exhausted to force him to come to bed. Maybe he’d drank a Redbull or something. Oh well, they could cuddle later, Lucas supposed. He still wasn’t entirely convinced he wasn’t already dreaming. 

He would wake up with Eliott beside him, that was all that mattered. 

 

**Dimanche 12:01**

Somehow Lucas had slept for almost twelve hours. It was the first time in a long time that he'd done so. He felt the other side of his bed, but it was cold, which meant that Eliott had probably been awake for hours. Sure, he’d hoped they could wake up beside one another, but he had slept in longer than either of them was used to. 

“Eliott,” he groaned from bed, noticing his door was still open. There was no response. Begrudgingly, he woke up fully, making his way out of his room and poking his head in Eliott’s once he saw that Eliott wasn’t out in their living space. He wasn’t in his room either, but his phone was on his bedside table so if he was out, he’d probably be back soon. 

Lucas was still half asleep as he brushed his teeth and showered, letting the warm water fog his mind and the mirror. Much more awake after taking a shower that may have lasted close to an hour, Lucas went back into the living space to get breakfast, wanting to prove to himself that he could do it without prompting from others. 

As soon as he exited the bathroom, however, he was struck by the appearance of the suite. He hadn’t noticed in his sleepy state, but now he widened his eyes as he looked around the room. It looked like a bomb had gone off. 

Papers were scattered everywhere, all over the floor, the couch, the coffee table, the kitchen counter. There was scrawled handwriting on some of them, drawings on others, and Lucas put together that they must have been some of Eliott’s ideas for Polaris. Far too many ideas for one night, though. 

The kitchen tap was running, just barely, and the sink was piled with dishes Lucas didn’t recall using. He opened up their fridge and was bombarded with the sight of what looked to him like a giant clusterfuck of food, none of it probably edible. 

Confused, Lucas made himself a small bowl of cereal and grabbed his phone from his bedroom, wondering if Eliott had left any explanation. He surprisingly had several missed texts and a voicemail from him, all marked at various times throughout the night, stopping around six in the morning.

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** you’re so hot lycas i hope you know that

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** lucas, i meant. i’m so sorry i spelled your name wrong hahahah oops

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** remember when you hated me? that was funny, how could anyone hate me? i’m amazing

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** can you hear that

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** it’s the sound of my heart beating for YOU

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** was that cheesy? i can’t help it, i love you

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** wake up my love

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** let’s have sex

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** oh wait, we can’t, you’re so sleepy :(

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** it’s cute, i love it

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** i have so many ideas for polaris, i don’t know where to start

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** maybe i can learn piano so you don’t have to compose when you’re sleepy

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** because i might finish this ballet tonight

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** no, not tonight, in TEN MINUTES

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** i wonder if that’s the shoretst time to make a ballet in HSIOTORY 

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** i’m making history baby! better watch out, world, eliott demaury is the greatest ballet choreographer alive!

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** i know youre asleep but i want to call you i want to hear uout voice i love yiur voiec i love everything about you other than me youre the best person in the wntire world you have blue eues and i do too but yours are so pretty i want to drown just so i can be surrounded by the coloor of your eyes when i die

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** i feel like swimming 

Lucas didn’t know how to react to any of that, wondering if Eliott was pulling some sort of practical joke on him. He clicked on the voicemail to listen to it, heart dropping in his chest as he did. 

“Hello, Lu! I LOVE YOUUUU! Oh, shit, I think I might have just woken you up… no wait, we’re good. I’ll go in the other room now, I feel creepy watching you sleep. Sleep. So weird, isn’t it, how normal people need so much of it but I can live forever without even sleeping a minute! Maybe I’m a superhero, like in the movies. I’d like to be a superhero, if it meant you were my damsel in distress. I’d save you a million times and never tire of it, I really would. I wonder if anyone would save me. Probably not, but that’s ok. The superheroes aren’t meant to be saved, that’s what makes them heroic. How could they be heroes if they weren’t willing to die to save the world or to save the one they loved? I love you. I love you. Remember how you said you’d push me into the Seine during our wedding? That’s where I’d like to drown, to be reminded of you. I’m always drowning, Lucas, why not make it official, right? Lucas Demaury… it has such a nice ring to it. Ring, should I get you a ring? I should.” 

The sound cut out and Lucas realized it was the end of the message. He replayed it a few times, more and more unnerved as he did so. There had to be a logical explanation, there had to be. He wouldn’t freak out needlessly, Eliott was going to walk through the door any moment, smiling and carrying croissants from the shop down the street. He was just overtired, which Lucas completely understood.

 

**Dimanche 15:28**

Lucas still wasn’t worried. Definitely not. Eliott had left to visit Idriss, that was it. He was in such a rush that he’d forgotten his phone, no big deal. He’d wanted to give Lucas some extra alone time to rest before he had to face the consequences of his own actions and start his process to recovery on Monday, obviously. 

Even knowing this, Lucas went into Eliott’s room, finding it similarly cluttered as the living room had been earlier. Lucas had passed the time since he woke up by cleaning, putting all of Eliott’s notes into neat piles and trying to transcribe them more legibly. He picked up Eliott’s phone from his bedside table, checking to see whether he had any notifications without snooping. There was nothing out of the ordinary, so nothing could be wrong.

He decided to start his online schoolwork for the next week, use the free time to get ahead so he could spend the week practicing and getting back on track both with his relationship and his health. 

It took his mind off of things, for sure. All the equations to memorize for his math class combined with the terminology he somehow picked up pretty quickly in biology and the grammar he had to fix through a series of questions for French. 

A knock came at the door that he almost didn’t hear through the music he’d blasted as an attempt to focus on the task at hand. He set his laptop to the side and opened the door, stunned to see Imane on the other side. Part of him had been hoping it was Eliott, though he would have no reason to knock. 

“Where’s Eliott?” she asked without preamble. 

He shrugged. “I think he’s with your brother.”

“Not possible, my brother is with Sofiane right now. They’re out running errands for my mother,” she explained. 

Lucas thought it over, trying to still the rapid pace his heart had picked up. “Maybe he’s with them,” Lucas suggested. She rolled her eyes and pushed her way into the room. He closed the door after her, squinting his eyes in confusion. “Did you need something?” he added.

She rolled her eyes again. “No, I just dropped by to say hi.”

“Jeez, sorry, I’m not Eliott’s keeper, you know,” he shot back angrily. If Eliott wasn’t with Idriss, where was he? Lucas wracked his brain to think of any possible place he might be. Had he gone to visit his parents? That was a possibility… 

“Lucas, are you even listening to me?” Imane snapped. 

He blinked at her, realizing he was still frozen in front of the door. “Yeah, yeah, I am now. Sorry.” 

She narrowed her eyes as he sat on the couch beside her. “What’s going on, Lucas? You look really pale. You didn’t kill him, did you?” she joked, but Lucas’ stomach dropped again. Lucas thought of one of the texts Eliott had sent.  _ I want to drown just so i can be surrounded by the color of your eyes when I die _ . 

“No,” he said, perhaps a bit too harshly. She raised her eyebrows at him, crossing her arms. “Sorry,” he apologized, but she knew him a bit too well. 

“Lucas,” Imane repeated, “What is going on? Do you know where Eliott is?”   

He shook his head without saying a word, feeling like he might vomit if he tried to say anything at all. She continued to look at him pointedly, and Lucas couldn’t hold it in any longer. Everything he’d kept secret about him and Eliott came out in one big blur, all leading up to his bizarre behavior the day before. Imane listened with wide eyed shock, so Lucas looked at the ground as he spoke, not wanting her judgement or a poor reaction. 

“Fuck,” she said when he finished. He figured that summed it all up pretty well. “I can’t believe…” she continued, “I pride myself on being perceptive, I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out!”

“That was your takeaway?” he asked in exasperation. 

She blinked as if remembering he was there. “Sorry, sorry, not helpful, I realize. Do you think, I don’t know, do you think Eliott might have been on something?”

“On something? Like on drugs?” he clarified disbelievingly. He was pretty sure Eliott had never even smoked weed, there was no way he was on drugs. And besides, why would he do drugs on a casual day where they had no other plans? 

“What did he text you again?” she asked, and he pulled his phone out. She huffed in indignation when she saw his contact name for Eliott. “It was so obvious!” she exclaimed, before Lucas coughed pointedly and she sobered, returning to the task at hand. 

She read through the texts with a worried frown, and Lucas played the message for her when she was done, frown growing deeper by the minute. “Lucas…” she said when she finished listening, “I think this is something serious. Why didn’t you say anything to anyone?”

“I don’t know! He left his phone here so I figured he was coming back soon.” Imane was looking at him like it was the most obvious thing in the world to tell someone about it, and maybe it was, but he didn’t know how to act in every situation that could possibly occur. This was all new to him too. 

“We should tell the director,” she said definitively, and Lucas stilled. 

“No, we can’t do that. Not yet,” he pleaded. If there was even the smallest possibility Eliott was on drugs, he would never forgive himself if he cost Eliott his future as a dancer over a one time instance. 

“Lucas…”

“Can we please just give it until tomorrow? I’m as worried as you are, probably more worried, actually, but it’s completely possible he’s just with his parents or running errands and forgot his phone.” He knew he was being illogical, but he couldn’t think rationally at the moment. This decision was possibly one he would regret, but what if he regretted saying something about it more? He had to trust Eliott, as Eliott trusted him. 

Imane sighed, placing a hand on his knee. “Lucas, you aren’t thinking this through clearly. If it was Manon saying things like this and disappearing, what would you do?”

“I don’t know, Imane! Fuck! I don’t know!” Sobs wracked his body for the millionth time in the past few days. Now that his emotions had filled back into every nook and cranny of his body they were free to come bursting out in a rush. He was vaguely aware that he was shaking uncontrollably, Imane becoming blurry in front of him due to the tears in his eyes. 

“I don’t know anything. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know Imane I don’t know what to do I don’t know what’s wrong I don’t know where he is it’s supposed to be me it’s supposed to be me—”

“Lucas,” Imane said harshly, clasping his face between her hands. “It’s ok. Everything will be ok, yeah? Take a deep breath, in, out, good, in, out.”

She repeated her mantra of in, out, in, out, until he got himself back under control, or at least under control enough that he was no longing looking fit to pass out at any minute. She laid him down, head in her lap, running a hand soothingly over his hair. He knew this was probably the last thing she wanted to be doing, which was why it meant so much that she was doing it anyway. He’d owe her for the rest of his life, but that didn’t matter at the moment. 

Imane stayed with him the rest of the day, helping him with his online homework to try to take his mind off things. She’d disappear every now and then and Lucas knew she was talking to Idriss, trying to get him to help her find Eliott, who still hadn’t returned. There hadn’t been anything on the news about a beautiful boy drowning in the Seine, so Lucas allowed some of his anxiety to be placed on hold for the time being.

The night came quicker than anticipated and Lucas knew Imane had been right. They should have said something to someone in charge. There was no reason for Eliott to be gone this long, especially acting how he had the night before. 

Imane made Lucas some tea and walked him to his bedroom, asking him over and over if he wanted her to stay, or to get Yann or Manon to stay. He refused, he was sure he’d spill everything to them too if given the chance, and he didn’t want them to find out like this, when he was a mess and Eliott was missing. 

He cried into his pillow involuntarily long after she left him alone for the night. It was all his fault, he must have said or done something to make Eliott run away. Everyone did, it was only a matter of time. Maybe Eliott hadn’t been acting strangely at all, maybe he’d just wanted a way out and Lucas manufactured the whole thing in his head to ignore the simple reality that, ultimately, he was unloveable. 

 

**Lundi 8:01**

Eliott wasn’t there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn
> 
> do i have the ability to write a fic without the 5ff scene? no.
> 
> did i just rewatch og and thus find an opportunity to make a million references to it in this chapter? yes.


	13. xiii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **brief summary of chap. 12: lucas finally admitted to himself and eliott that he has an ed, needs help, and eliott promised to be there for him no matter what. the 5ff scene we were robbed of but make it britney spears. eliott starts to have a manic episode but lucas doesn't realize it. he leaves in the middle of the night without warning while lucas sleeps and lucas doesn't know where he is or where he went. lucas breaks down and tells imane everything, she tries to be there for him/ help him figure things out, but neither of them know what's happening. monday morning comes and eliott still isn't back.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much to everyone for their continued support on this fic <3 it really means a lot that you guys love and care about this story as much as i do :,)
> 
> tw: eating disorder, brief discussion of past manic episode, depressive episode, very brief mentions of depression/self harm, internalized/self imposed ableist thought patterns, discussion of bipolar disorder

**Mardi 6:45**

Eliott still wasn’t there. Lucas had stayed up practically all night waiting, seeing if Eliott would come home, come back to him, but he hadn’t, and Lucas didn’t know what to do about that. There was still time though, and before they’d gotten together Eliott had been chronically on time to class every day, which meant he was late by ballet standards. Lucas was able to kid himself into thinking that would be the case that day as well.

He ran his spoon through his bowl of cereal, debating between taking another bite and throwing it out. Maybe Eliott had left him for this reason, that he couldn’t just get it together and force himself to function like a normal human being. 

The door was unlocked, so Lucas barely looked up when Manon walked in, knowing from the way she did so that it wasn’t Eliott. She sat down next to him at the counter and looked at what he was eating. 

“Cereal, fun,” she said conversationally. 

He shrugged, bringing another bite to his mouth, forcing it down. It tasted fine, if not a little bland. “What’s up?” he asked after a moment of awkward silence. 

“I should be asking you that,” she said pointedly. 

He forced out a laugh. “What makes you say that?”

“Lucas, you’ve been in a daze since last week. No one can get through to you. I know that Imane came and hung out with you on Sunday, but even she won’t tell me why you’re acting so strangely, and I know you told  _ her _ .” Manon sounded a bit hurt and Lucas felt guilty. He didn’t want to be hiding things from Manon, really, it was just hard especially when things were so up in the air at the moment. 

He’d been trying to convince himself so much that nothing bad had happened to Eliott and talking about it would only convince him otherwise. The hard thing was that Manon would probably have great advice, but he wasn’t sure he wanted it. Sometimes toiling in his own misery was better than searching for a way out. He knew it probably wasn’t the healthiest way to cope, but he was quickly realizing none of his coping strategies were very healthy. 

“I love you Manon, and I’m really sorry, but I just… I can’t.” She said nothing, eyeing him carefully, so he continued, “I only told Imane because I was having a full on breakdown, I would have talked to anyone who showed up at my door, even Chloé, but now I need time to process things on my own before I discuss them. Is that ok?”

She sighed, biting her bottom lip. “Does it have to do with Eliott?”

“Why would you say that?” he asked nervously. 

“Well… he’s disappeared once again and you look ten minutes away from passing out again either from stress, lack of sleep, or both, so I just figured… Did you guys fight again?” she asked seriously, and oh, right. She was asking because she thought they hated each other. 

“Something like that.” It was the best he could give her, and thankfully she was willing to accept it for the time being. She folded him into a hug that he reciprocated readily. He tried to communicate with her through the hug more than he could through words, to tell her that maybe he wasn’t ok, but he was trying to get better. The only problem was that he wouldn’t be better completely until he knew what the hell was going on with Eliott. 

She released him, placing her hands on his shoulders. “Off to class we go?”

“Off to class we go,” he agreed, throwing his bowl into the sink and grabbing his bag before following her out the door. They prepped for class in silence, running through various parts of the pas de deux between Odette and the Prince just in case Lucas had to stand in for Eliott again. He felt bad for ditching Imane another day, but at least she didn’t seem to ruffled by it all, able to practice on her own when Lucas was Eliott for the day. 

He’d also noticed her and Sofiane spending a lot of time together during practices when Lucas stood in for Eliott, not that they didn’t hang out usually but the air seemed charged between the two of them and Lucas found it in himself to smile at the fact that his instincts had been pretty spot on regarding the two of them.

When eight o’clock hit and Eliott wasn’t there, Lucas felt his heart sink even further into the pit of his stomach than it had since he woke up Sunday morning and Eliott wasn’t in bed beside him. 

Madame Rigaux obviously noticed he wasn’t there, as they all did, because his spot at the front of the barre remained empty and, for the first time since Lucas had started attending the school, she walked out of class. 

Imane turned to Lucas, intuitive as always, and Lucas couldn’t keep his concern from showing on his face. “He’s not back?” she asked in a hushed tone as everyone else whispered around them.

He shook his head, and Imane swore under her breath. “This really isn’t good Lucas, you have to tell someone about what happened. He could be a danger to himself or others.”

“He’s not some fucking psychopath, Imane, and he’s not on drugs. I don’t know what’s going on but there’s a logical explanation, I know it.” He could hear in his voice that he was pleading, and that she was probably right, but he didn’t want her to be. 

Madame Rigaux entered the room once again just as Imane was about to speak again, director trailing behind her. 

“M. Lallemant, can you come with me?” he asked, back straight, voice emotionless as always.  _ Fuck _ . Why him? He figured it was common knowledge the two of them were rivals of sorts, even to the instructors. They didn’t think he’d done something to Eliott, did they?

He nodded, swallowing his unease and following the director out the door and down not to his office, but to Lucas’ suite. “Um, Sir? Have I done something wrong?” he asked nervously. 

The director looked down at him as if he were a nuisance. “No, but M. Demaury is your roommate, you should be more responsible for him.”

“In what way?”

“You’re aware this is the seventh class he has failed to attend this semester? We should have pulled him at three, but he was physically ill that week, and had a doctor’s note, so we let it slide because he is so pivotal to the performance and to this school as a whole,” the director explained boredly. Lucas might have been offended if his worry hadn’t outweighed his desire for the director to see him as more than second best to Eliott. 

“But now,” he continued, “Two more unexcused absences, we’ll have no choice but to put him on probation.”

“But Sir—” Lucas started.

“What? Aren’t you glad to take his place? Pitying M. Demaury only shows me that I’ve been right about you all along. You don’t have the  _ drive _ , the  _ passion _ . It’s why you’ll always be an understudy, that and your unfortunate physique.” Lucas staggered on his feet, feeling the heat rise to his face and having that sensation in the back of his throat that told him tears were imminent. If he cried he’d only prove the director right, so he swallowed them and put on as brave a face as necessary.

He cleared his throat. “What I was going to say, Sir, is that while I am grateful for the opportunity, I think Eliott might be physically ill again, so he might come back with a doctor’s note.”

The director’s gaze snapped to his. “Come back?”

“Yeah?” Lucas shrugged, brows furrowing. 

“You mean to tell me he’s left school grounds?”

“Um…” 

“Open the door to your suite, M. Lallemant,” the director said sternly. 

Lucas pushed it open. “It’s… not locked, Sir, just in case he came back. He left his keys here.”

The director stepped into the room, surveying it. Thank god Lucas had cleaned up all of Eliott’s nonsensical scribbles. “How long has he been gone?”

“Well…”

“How. Long.”

“Since Sunday, possibly Saturday night,” Lucas replied miserably. 

The director shook his head in disbelief. “And you’re only now telling me?”

“I thought he’d be back by now!” Lucas knew it wasn’t a good excuse, but he also hadn’t been expecting to have this conversation with the director. He knew he should say something regarding  _ how _ he’d left, but he still couldn’t bring himself to. 

“Have you had contact with him since then?” the director asked.

Lucas shook his head. “No. He, uh, left his phone here too. I don’t know where he went or who he’s with, so I don’t know how to contact him.” 

“Did you try his parents?” There was some concern in the director’s voice now and Lucas nearly laughed. Of course he’d be concerned now, because it was Eliott who was missing, not Lucas. He was certain that if he’d been the one to disappear, the director would pack up his things without a second thought and bar him from the school should he ever try to return. 

“I don’t have their contact information,” Lucas said truthfully. There was a time he had, but that time had passed years ago. He missed the Demaurys often, actually, and he sometimes wondered if they missed him. Probably not, given what Eliott had likely told them about him over the years. 

The director sighed. “I have to do everything myself, then?” 

“I’m sorry, Sir—”

“Just go back to class, M. Lallemant, I daresay you need it more than most. I’ve always thought you’re more trouble than you’re worth.”

“Yes, Sir,” Lucas answered, hating how small his voice sounded, hating how he let the words get to him in such a way. The director had never really been nice to him, especially not when he filled in for Eliott, but he could take it when they were corrections about his dancing, not when they were corrections about himself in general.

He turned on his heel and walked out of the room, making a pit stop in the bathroom and locking the door behind him. The tears came out all at once and he leaned over the sink, sobbing with every breath. It was times like these when he wondered why he was even doing any of this in the first place. Why he’d chosen ballet if it was only ever going to hurt him. 

Still crying, he caught his breath enough to stand up straight, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He looked a mess, and he hated how he looked, even when Eliott had spent so much time telling him how beautiful he was. Beautiful in one person’s eyes didn’t mean good enough to everyone else. 

He flinched away from himself turning towards the stall, toilet beckoning him, reaching inside his head and pulling out his worst thoughts about himself. He’d never done this before, what he was thinking of doing now. His brand of disordered eating included restriction, never purging, but all he wanted to do at that moment was to let it out, empty himself of all the feelings of worthlessness, anger, even love, empty himself until there were no feelings at all. 

But then he thought of Eliott. Of what Eliott might think if he saw Lucas there, kneeling in front of the toilet hating himself and his situation so much he hadn’t felt he had anywhere else to go. Eliott would understand, that was the problem, he wouldn’t judge him but he’d show concern, making Lucas feel like as long as he was there Lucas never had to feel like that again. That was why he stood up, drying his eyes one last time before marching out of the bathroom, determined to be the version of Lucas that Eliott saw, not the one who needed to feel nothing at all to feel  _ something _ . 

 

**Mercredi 19:12**

Eliott hadn’t shown again, but Madame Rigaux hadn’t stormed out of class, instead ignoring Eliott’s empty space, so Lucas wondered if there had been some sort of communication between Eliott and the school. If so, why hadn’t Eliott found a way to contact him yet? 

Arthur was coming over to study with him, against Lucas’ wishes, but Imane had agreed to it for him, telling him that he needed a distraction to take his mind off things. Honestly, Lucas was surprised that Arthur was studying at all. 

The door remained unlocked, just in case, so Arthur barged right in just as Manon had done, but with more of a flourish. “Hello my fellow gay child,” Arthur said, swinging the door open. 

Lucas looked up from his laptop. “Hi?”

Arthur didn’t say anything more, merely smiled before plopping down next to Lucas on the couch and looking at what he was doing, which happened to be that week’s French homework.

“Aren’t you bi? Have there been new developments I’m unaware of?” Lucas joked, setting his laptop down beside him. It looked like Arthur hadn’t brought any homework with him to study, so Lucas assumed they were really just hanging out. 

“I am bi, but I’m gay enough that I can refer to myself as such.” 

“Is that how that works?” Lucas asked

Arthur grinned cheesily. “Do any of us know enough to know how  _ anything _ works?”

“Fair enough.”

Arthur suddenly frowned, and nodded towards Eliott’s closed door. “He still sick or whatever?”

“I don’t know,” Lucas said. It was the truth.

“You don’t know?” Arthur asked incredulously, “Listen, I understand you don’t like him, but as a roommate, you have to at least have common human decency and make sure he’s all right. I was his roommate for years, I know the deal.”

Lucas was about to interject that the reason he hadn’t spoken to Eliott was because he wasn’t even there, but he paused. “Know the deal?”

“Yeah.” Arthur frowned even deeper. “You know, like, obviously I know he isn’t actually ‘sick’ or whatever, he’s at another low.”

“Anther low?”

Arthur sighed. “Seriously, Lucas? Eliott’s clinically depressed. He has been for years, and sometimes it hits harder than other times. Sofiane and I have been covering for him for years, because we know the director would cut him faster than you can snap your fingers if he caught a whiff of neurodivergence.”

Lucas was gaping up at Arthur in wide eyed shock. It explained some things, explained his behavior that one week where he didn’t even get out of bed, but it didn’t explain his behavior this time, he definitely hadn’t been depressed. “I didn’t know,” was all Lucas could think to say.

Arthur must have felt bad, because his expression grew sheepish. “I mean, it isn’t your job to know, or to do anything about it, I just figured he’d told you about it because it can impact him pretty heavily.” 

Lucas felt like a horrible person. Somehow Eliott had been the only one to see him when he wasn’t ok, when he needed help, and he felt sick to his stomach at the thought he hadn’t seen when Eliott was hurting. Or that he had, and he’d ignored it. 

“But wait… he was only ever depressed? Did he ever seem weirdly happy, or anything?” Lucas asked. 

Arthur thought about it. “No. I mean, Eliott’s a generally happy person, that’s why the depressive cycles were more noticeable. You can ask him, he’d know better than me.”

“He’s not here,” Lucas said at last, which he probably should have said first.

“ _ What? _ Where is he?”

Lucas put his head in his hands. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t—” Arthur broke off, taking a breath. “Lucas, I get that you hate him, put damn it call him or something! I didn’t know he was missing, Lucas something could be seriously wrong, he’s had a history of self-harm and shit, fuck!”

Lucas thought back to the things he’d ignored, feeling worse and worse with each word Arthur said. He’d never noticed anything of the sort when he and Eliott did things together, but he admittedly wasn’t paying much attention when Eliott’s mouth was anywhere close to his body.

“He left all his stuff here, I didn’t know how to contact him!” Lucas yelled, wanting to prove to Arthur he wasn’t a bad person and prove to himself that he wasn’t a bad boyfriend.

“Did you try his parents?” Arthur asked.

Lucas shook his head. “I don’t have their contact information, Eliott and I haven’t been friends since we were ten.”

“But you told the director, right?” Arthur pressed, and Lucas nodded.

“I also told Imane, because Idriss knows him better than most of us do.” A lie, Lucas knew Eliott better than most at this point, at least he’d thought he did, but Lucas did hope Imane had said something to Idriss about it all. “The director must have gotten contact with him somehow, because Rigaux wasn’t foaming out of the mouth at his absence and the director told me in rehearsal today to not get comfortable substituting for him. Though, that may have just been because he hates me.”

“First of all, the director is a dick and as soon as we graduate I’m keying his car, and second of all, that’s a good sign, I guess. Good as we can expect for the time being,” Arthur shrugged, leaning back against the arm of the couch.

“I guess,” Lucas said, doing the same. It wasn’t his intention to sound so detached, but it was probably a good thing, considering what Arthur thought Lucas thought about Eliott. 

Lucas flexed and pointed his feet aimlessly, glancing up at a silent Arthur every once and awhile. Arthur seemed completely content, but Lucas still wasn’t sure why he’d come over in the first place, since they both knew it wasn’t to study. 

“How’s Von Rothbart treating you?” Lucas asked at last. There were never usually uncomfortable silences between them, so he didn’t know why there should be now. 

Arthur raised his eyebrows over his glasses. “The day I actually get to stand in for Sofiane is the day this school burns to the ground.”

“Don’t be dramatic,” Lucas said with a laugh.

“I’m not!” Arthur argued, reaching for a pillow and hitting Lucas with it. 

Lucas blocked the pillow with his forearms, still grinning. “I thought you didn’t really care, anyway.”

“I don’t care because I stopped allowing myself to care years ago. I used to care a lot really, but I know now that if I ever want to make a living in ballet, it’s not going to be here. I don’t even know if I  _ want  _ a living in ballet anymore, and it used to be all I dreamed about.” Arthur looked at his hands in his lap, traces of his small falling to something more serious. “I guess that’s what this place does to you, crushes you and your dreams until you have to find a new one.”

“That’s dark,” Lucas said, and Arthur merely shrugged. 

“That’s life.”

Maybe it was, but Lucas never liked to believe it to be the truth for everyone. If he gave up on his dreams now, even when the world was telling him that might be the best thing to do, was he still himself? Letting himself believe every horrible thing every instructor had said about himself over the years was a pattern he couldn’t allow himself to fall into, he had plenty of other problems without having to face the idea that maybe he didn’t quite have the level of talent he hoped he did. 

“Maybe so,” he said, “But if you love it don’t you find it hard to give it up?”

“Of course. And maybe I won’t give it up, but I’m learning to broaden my goals and narrow my expectations.” Arthur said it so simply, like he was resigned to it all. It made Lucas kind of angry, because Arthur had that same natural talent as Eliott and Manon and Sofiane, but he always acted so flippant about it that it was hard to tell whether he was serious or not. 

“I guess I just still don’t understand. You have so much talent, more than Yann and me for sure. Probably more than Sofiane, maybe even Eliott, but you never give yourself a chance,” Lucas said, because he still wanted to understand. 

Arthur bit the inside of his cheek. “The problem was that I  _ was _ as good as Eliott, and I  _ did _ give myself a chance. I… I don’t really want to talk about it, but I did give myself a chance, and I’m still recovering from it.”

Lucas’ heart stuttered and he reached for Arthur’s hand. He didn’t know what had happened, but he had his own fair share of childhood traumas so he could only imagine. “Well, it you ever want to give yourself another chance, know that I’ll be by your side every step of the way.”

Arthur looked down at their joined hands, then up at Lucas’ face. He stood abruptly. “Thanks. I should go, though, it’s getting late.”

“Oh. Yeah, of course,” Lucas said, a little taken aback. Had he said something wrong? 

When Arthur left, he cast a glance back over his shoulder, almost like he was hoping Lucas would ask him to stay. But then he was gone and Lucas was confused again. 

Lucas went to bed shortly after, leaving the door unlocked just in case Eliott or Arthur came back and helped clear up the mess going on in his mind. 

 

**Jeudi 13:00**

That morning had been the first he’d woken up with the expectation of Eliott not returning, hoping he’d be surprised. He wasn’t, and Eliott was still gone. Imane had shared worried looks with him as class started for the morning that he’d only been able to return with a shrug, past the point of hoping any more.

Yann joined him for lunch that day, but Arthur left to go by himself off school grounds. Lucas wondered if it had anything to do with him, but he decided instead to focus on Yann, it had been way too long since the two of them had hung out one on one. 

“Should I even ask if you know what’s up with Eliott?” Yann asked, taking a bite of his pizza. He’s brought Lucas a slice as well, but Lucas had yet to conquer it. He was determined to, but kept stopping himself before he could. 

Lucas sighed. “No, because I’m as clueless as anyone is.”

“Fuck. I hope he’s ok? Like, I know you’re not his biggest fan, but I really hope nothing bad happened to him,” Yann lamented. 

“Me neither,” Lucas said, then quickly amended, “Can’t have a rivalry if my rival is missing in action.”

Yann quirked his lips into a small smirk, ruffling Lucas’ hair. “Let’s not talk about him then.”

“Good idea.”

Not talking about Eliott was one thing, not thinking about him was quite another, one Lucas was in no way prepared for. Yann wiped his mouth with his napkin and Lucas realized he’d already finished eating, and Lucas hadn’t even started. Fuck. It was so much easier to eat when he wasn’t the only one. 

“Do you know what’s up with Arthur?” Yann asked, just as Lucas worked up the nerve to take a bite. 

He faltered dropping the pizza back on his plate. “What do you mean?”

Yann shrugged. “Maybe nothing, but I just feel like he’s been acting weirdly closed off. You know Arthur, he always talks about everything all the time, even when we don’t want the details. Recently he hasn’t been talking about things as much, hasn’t been sneaking out as much. I mean, that part’s probably good, but I don’t know if he has some secret or something he doesn’t want us to know.”

Lucas had been wondering the same thing, actually. “I don’t know what it could possibly be, but we had a conversation last night that kind of made me wonder the same thing.”

Yann hummed, clearly not finding anything else to say about the matter. Lucas didn’t have anything else to say either, at least not without Arthur there to confirm or deny their suspicions, so he waited until Yann launched into a new topic, something about some new superhero movie the two of them just  _ had  _ to watch together. Lucas found himself laughing, and he found himself eating, the action easier when he was talking mindlessly about something that didn’t cause him worry. 

Lunch ended far too quickly and it was only then that Lucas realized he’d gone almost an hour without thinking about Eliott once. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. 

 

**Vendredi 20:27**

He was lying on Eliott’s bed when he got the first text. It hadn’t been purposeful, but he’d somehow wandered there, finding it exactly as he’d left it when he’d cleaned up some of Eliott’s things. It wasn’t like he’d expected anything to have moved, but he was somehow still surprised to see Eliott’s phone laying on his bedside table, dead now that it had been almost a week.

**Unknown:** Is this Lucas?

Lucas didn’t normally respond to unknown numbers, a lot of times they ended up being spam or his friends taking the piss at him, so he didn’t take the bait, dropping his phone back onto the bed and burying his face in Eliott’s pillow. It still smelled like him. Then his phone buzzed again, twice.

**Unknown:** Lucas Lallemant? 

**Unknown:** If it is you, Lucas, this is Caroline Demaury.

Lucas sat up faster than he would have thought possible, hands shaking. Why was Caroline Demaury texting him? Something must have happened to Eliott, something bad. 

**Lucas:** Mme. Demaury? Yes, this is Lucas. Is everything all right?

**Unknown:** Hello, Lucas, yes, everything is all right, but Eliott has been talking about you, so I wondered if you might come pay him a visit.

**Lucas:** Eliott is with you?

**Unknown:** Yes. You didn’t know that? We informed the school. 

**Lucas:** All due respect Mme. Demaury, but the last I heard from Eliott was Saturday night, so no, I had no idea he was with you.

**Lucas:** Is he ok? What happened? I didn’t know how to contact you but he said some things that made me really worried

**Lucas:** I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner I was just so scared

**Unknown:** No need to apologize, Lucas, none of this is your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. 

**Lucas:** What wasn’t anyone’s fault?

**Unknown:** I think it’s best if Eliott gets to explain himself. I can have Harold pick you up at school whenever you’d like.

**Lucas:** It’s ok, I can walk. I still remember where you live

**Unknown:** Lucas, it’s no trouble, I’d prefer to know you’re safe with Harold than out wandering the streets alone. He can pick you up in a half hour?

**Lucas:** Ok. Thank you Mme. Demaury 

**Unknown:** It’s ok to call me Caroline now, darling.

**Lucas:** Thank you, Caroline

**Unknown:** Let me know when Harold gets there, I’ll tell Eliott you’re coming. He hasn’t been very receptive to guests, but we’re hoping that he might want to see you.

**Lucas:** I want to see him too

 

**Vendredi 21:21**

Lucas didn’t know what to expect. The car ride to the Demaurys house had been slightly awkward, but Harold Demaury still treated him like he’d been best friends with Eliott for years, which was nice. He could only imagine the things they’d heard about him from Eliott over the years, and was thankful they didn’t appear to hold a grudge. 

Seeing Caroline Demaury for the first time in almost eight years was also a shock, and his throat got tight the minute he stepped into their home. This home, that felt more like  _ his _ home than his actual home to him for so many years. It still looked practically the same. 

She folded him into a hug without a word, and Lucas wondered if maybe Eliott had let slip the nature of their falling out, all the problems Lucas hadn’t known how to face at ten years old. He waited with her in the kitchen for a little bit, because Eliott was sleeping. She didn’t say whether or not he’d been receptive to a visit from Lucas, so he could only hope for the best when he opened Eliott’s bedroom door and saw Eliott lying with his back to Lucas, bundled up under the covers. 

His bedroom was the only part of the house that had changed. It looked so different from what Lucas had known, but it was so distinctly Eliott that it was hard not to feel at home. There were drawings taped up on all the walls, an impressive collection of vinyl records that Lucas was both stunned and repulsed to see included dubstep.  _ Dubstep _ . On  _ vinyl _ . Leave it to Eliott to still have the absolute worst taste in music. There were old ballet shoes strewn about the room, just like in Lucas’ room back at his flatshare, and Lucas saw a few notebooks and folders labelled “Polaris” on his desk.

He sank down onto the bed next to Eliott, who didn’t move an inch. Lucas was beginning to wonder if he might still be asleep. 

“They told you, I suppose.” Eliott’s voice came muffled and broken, startling Lucas.

“Told me what?” he asked softly. 

Eliott buried his face further into his pillow, refusing to look at Lucas. “That I’m crazy.”

Lucas sank down next to Eliott, attempting to carefully fold his arms around him, but Eliott flinched away from his touch. “Eli?” he tried. 

“You don’t want this, Lucas, trust me.” He finally looked over at Lucas, eyes dead and empty as his voice. Lucas nearly cried, seeing him like that. He wanted to see Eliott full of life again. 

“I can decide for myself what I do and don’t want,” he said adamantly, waiting for Eliott to explain. 

Eliott sighed, closed his eyes. “I’m bipolar.”

Something clicked into place and Lucas’ head and he sighed in relief, realizing that made sense. He didn’t know much about bipolar disorder, but he knew that people sometimes had depressed and manic episodes, so that explained last weekend. “Ok,” Lucas said.

“Ok? That’s all you have to say?” 

“Sorry, um, I guess I don’t know what else to say? You could have told me sooner, or Arthur and Sofiane. We understand, though I’m sorry if we made you feel like we wouldn’t,” he amended. 

“I didn’t know,” Eliott said.

Lucas shifted to look at him better, and Eliott opened his eyes. “You didn’t know?”

Eliott shook his head. “Not until this week. I’d been diagnosed with depression previously, because I’d never had a manic episode before, but after last week…” He took a deep breath, “The police found me Sunday morning, and they got in contact with my parents somehow. I don’t remember the details, I was still manic during that time, but I guess my parents took me to the hospital and voila. Here I am. They told me that I would crash into a deep depression soon, but I didn’t believe them. I felt so good, I felt like nothing could ever knock me down again. But then I guess I crashed, like they said. It feels awful Lucas, worse than any depressive spiral I’ve ever had.”

“Oh,” Lucas started to understand, though he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to give Eliott pity, because he knew Eliott would hate that, so instead he said, “Thank you for telling me.”

“Why are you acting like this? Shouldn’t you be running by now?”

Lucas squinted his eyes. “Why would I do that?”

“Because I’m fucking crazy! I could hurt you, or myself, or anyone and I don’t have any control over it and I don’t know what to do because my head is either empty or full and I can’t function like I’m supposed to and—”

“Eliott.” Lucas placed a hand on his cheek, and Eliott didn’t pull away. “You’re not crazy.”

“Tell that to the rest of the world,” Eliott hissed.

“I don’t care about the rest of the world, I care about you,” Lucas said.

Eliott blinked up at him, eyes so flat and gray when they usually brought as much life into the world as humanly possible. “Why?”

Why? Because Eliott was everything good in the world. He was the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening. He was the stars shining through Lucas’ window and making him feel less alone, less afraid of the dark. He was Lucas’ promise of a better life than the one he’d been living, he was the most beautiful person in the world. His mind was so complex and Lucas wanted to get to know every bit of it, even the parts that Eliott felt were shameful. Lucas didn’t think they were shameful at all, not if they made Eliott who he was. Eliott had shown Lucas time and time again that he wasn’t alone, and now it was time for Lucas to do the same. 

“Because you see me, and somehow still love me,” Lucas said, inching closer. Eliott didn’t back away, and he placed his hand on top of Lucas’, still resting on his face. “I’m the broken one, not you. You don’t deserve to be dealt this hand, you deserve only the best the world has to offer.”

“You’re not broken.”

“Neither are you. You’re not alone, either. Not anymore, never again.”

Eliott bit his lip. “How do you know?”

“How do any of us know anything? We don’t, but we have to have trust and patience and believe that the best is yet to come,” Lucas said, surprising himself. He’d never ever been the one to preach positivity in the face of darkness, but he could learn if that’s what Eliott needed from him.

“I’m going to be a burden to you.”

Lucas sighed. “So am I. Remember? Daddy issues, eating disorder, possible abandonment issues I’m only now realizing definitely exist. It’s a lot to deal with, for anyone. Including myself. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you ran for the hills. But you didn’t, and if you think I’m going to you’re dead wrong.”

“Lucas I don’t deserve you—”

“Me neither.”

“Lucas I’m serious—”

“Me too.” 

He was finally close enough that he could see every inch of Eliott’s flawless face, and he pressed their foreheads together gently. 

“I’m going to have to start taking medication, and I don’t want to. I’m going to lie to you about it and you’re going to get mad at me for lying, and then I’ll snap again and I’ll hurt us both,” Eliott said, and Lucas listened. “I’m going to have extreme highs and extreme lows and sometimes I won’t even be aware of it. I’ll yell at you, I’ll insult you, I’ll make you feel like shit and I won’t be able to help it.”

“I’m going to have to start eating again, like a normal person would, and I don’t want to. I’m going to try to lie about it and you’re going to get mad at me for lying and then I’ll snap and I’ll hurt us both,” Lucas said, and Eliott listened. “I’m going to have days where I shrink into a hole inside of myself because I don’t believe I’m worth it and nothing you say will help at all. I’ll yell at you, I’ll insult you, I’ll make you feel like shit, and I won’t be able to help it. You’re not alone in this either, Eli.”

“Lu.” It was a soft, hushed breath. A whisper, a promise. 

“And I don’t care about any of that stuff either, you know why? Because we don’t even know where we’ll be an hour from now, so why worry that far into the future? What’s the point of that? We’ll play a game, Lu and Eli, minute by minute. The only thing either of us has to worry about is the next minute, no time to dwell on the past or the future,” he proposed, meeting Eliott’s gaze again. “You in?”

Eliott took a deep, rattling breath. “I’m scared.”

“I am too, but I was scared of the dark and you brought all this light into my world and now I never have to be afraid again,” Lucas said, putting every ounce of honesty into his words.

“Lu and Eli, minute by minute,” Eliott repeated.

“Minute by minute.”

“Ok. I’m in.”

“Good, because I’d rather have you annoy me than not have you at all,” Lucas whispered with a smile, folding them closer into one another. Eliott laughed at that. It was small, almost indiscernible, but it was there. “You’re beautiful when you laugh,” Lucas said, because Eliott had said so when he was at his most vulnerable and he wanted nothing more than to return the favor. Plus, it was true.

“You’re still it for me, you know,” Eliott said, and Lucas’ heart soared. “If I couldn’t have you I don’t think I would ever have anyone else.” 

Lucas pulled his hand from Eliott’s face and laced their fingers together, pressing them to his heart. “You’re still it for me too. In this universe, in every universe.”

Eliott said nothing more, but he allowed Lucas to place a kiss on his brow bone, resting there a moment as if Eliott would disappear should he move away. Eliott didn’t even give him a chance to move away, tangling their bodies and legs together in that jigsaw way they always did, breathing synching up as they each held the world in their hands and tried not to ever let go.

Maybe they’d both been dealt a poor hand in this life, but was it really a poor hand if they’d found each other through it? Lucas would go through all of it again if they found a way to end up at this exact moment in time, this one where it felt like all peace had been restored in the atmosphere. They may have still had a long way to go before they could find that peace all the time, but Lucas knew that they would get there eventually. They were both fighters, and the thing they’d fight most for was each other. 

They deserved to live a soft, sweet song, not a tempestuous melody, and Lucas was ready to write it for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i name eliott's parents caroline and harold bc i was listening to carolina by harry styles ? perhaps.
> 
> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	14. xiv.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u all once again for bearing with inconsistent updates i know i say this every time but i am trying to be more timely with the last (😞) few chapters <33
> 
> this one is 10k so i hope it makes up for it 🙊 
> 
> i highly recommend listening to this during jeudi 20:44: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl-QtGP5h7o
> 
> tw: mentions of eating disorder, bipolar disorder, ableism, panic attack, brief allusions to past child abuse

**Samedi 11:07**

If Caroline Demaury didn’t know that Eliott and Lucas were dating when she’d texted him the night before, she probably did now. That was the thing about living away from family, they usually didn’t have to worry about getting woken up while their bodies were still tangled together as one and the consequences that might arise from that. 

Luckily, in this case, Eliott’s mom was so happy to see Eliott waking with a light smile on his face that she didn’t raise any sort of fuss about the two of them waking in each other’s arms. Lucas was stunned when he looked at the clock on Eliott’s bedside table and saw that it was just past eleven. He didn’t know the exact time they both fell asleep the night prior, but that was the best sleep he’d had in quite a while, since before he fell back into his unhealthy eating patterns. 

Eliott’s hair was a scrunched up sleepy mess, and his eyes were still squinted shut, blocking out the light from the open window, and he was beautiful. Lucas knew that the process to get him back into a healthier mindset would be a slow one, but he was ready to do everything he could to be there for him.

“You’re still here?” Eliott asked quietly, timidly. 

Lucas settled onto his side and ran a finger down the length of Eliott’s face. “Of course I am.”

Eliott’s lips twitched into the semblance of a small smile, and he opened his eyes, meeting Lucas’ gaze. “Thank you,” he said.

“No need,” Lucas said in return, “But you’re welcome.”

Eliott sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “My mom never used to come in and wake me up in the mornings, you know.”

Lucas didn’t know how to respond, what Eliott was trying to say. “She keeps looking at me,” he added, “They both do, like if they glance away I’ll disappear completely. There was a point earlier in the week where I thought I might too.”

Lucas’ heart clenched painfully in his chest, but he stayed silent, not wanting to interject before Eliott had said all he wanted to say.

“They’re in mourning. Of everything I could have been but can never be now,” Eliott said.

Lucas couldn’t help but cut in at that. “They aren’t. It might feel like that, but I promise you that’s not true. Your parents aren’t in mourning, they’re just trying to love you in new ways that work for you. And don’t talk like that, you can do anything you want to do, Eliott Demaury, never forget it.”

Eliott stayed silent a moment, and Lucas wondered if he’d spoken out of turn. “I thought of you, you know,” Eliott said, glancing over at Lucas. “I stayed for you, even though I was sure you wouldn’t want me anymore.”

The fissures in Lucas’ chest began to leak again. 

“I’ll always want you,” Lucas said. 

Eliott reached his hand out and Lucas grabbed a hold of it, feeling the roughness of both of Eliott’s palms, probably callused from his writings and drawings while he was manic. “Yeah?” Eliott asked softly.

“Yeah,” he promised, “But I don’t want you to just want to be here for me. I can’t live without you, but I want you to want to be here, want to live this life for yourself. I know that it’s easier said than done, and I’m still trying to work that out as well, but promise me you’ll try?” 

It was really important to him that Eliott didn’t just seek out happiness through Lucas. Obviously, he wanted to be one of the main sources of Eliott’s happiness, but not the only one or the most important one. He said it because he knew how it felt to be trapped in the euphoric sensation of loving someone more than you’ve ever loved yourself. 

“I promise,” Eliott said, “I promise I’ll try.”

He scooted infinitesimally closer to Lucas, millimeter by millimeter, until they were close enough to kiss one another. Lucas looked him in the eyes to make sure he wasn’t reading things wrong, then leaned in for a small, almost chaste kiss. It was the first time they’d kissed in nearly a week, and it felt like coming home. 

“We should go to the kitchen and eat before my mom gets too impatient,” Eliott said, still looking directly into Lucas’ soul.

“I’m sure she’ll understand if you need more time,” Lucas reassured him, pressing their foreheads together. 

Eliott shook his head gently. “Don’t even try, Lu. We’re eating, you and me.”

The funny thing was that Lucas hadn’t even thought about not eating that morning. Sure, there was a tug in the back of his mind that said  _ stay here with Eliott all day, don’t eat a thing _ , but for once he’d blocked it out. He’d only suggested they stay in bed to make sure Eliott was okay, that he had the time he needed. Lucas smiled to himself. “Ok, let’s eat.”

He hopped out of bed much faster than Eliott did, but that was no issue. As Eliott slowly rose, Lucas’ heart gave a contented little sigh.

“I love you, by the way,” Lucas said, because he could, because he hadn’t yet that morning. Eliott looked a bit caught off guard, expression melting from confusion to surprise to tentative happiness. 

“I love you too,” Eliott said sincerely, taking the hand Lucas extended to help him off the bed. “Sorry I’ve been such a shitty boyfriend lately.”

“Are you kidding?” Lucas scoffed, “Everyone has their days. I haven’t quite been a model boyfriend either, you know.”

Eliott didn’t argue further, which Lucas was grateful for. He hadn’t said it so Eliott would reassure him, let him know that he was the best boyfriend ever. He knew he wasn’t, but neither of them ever would be, so they had to stop trying to expect it from themselves. Their imperfections were what made them perfect for each other. 

Caroline Demaury blinked when she saw the two of them in the doorway. “Eliott! Honey, is everything all right?”

“Yeah, we came out for breakfast,” Eliott said, sinking down into a chair beside his father. Lucas sat down next to him, avoiding Harold Demaury’s raised eyebrow in his direction. Lucas averted his eyes furtively, cheeks growing red. What was the etiquette for eating breakfast with your boyfriend’s parents who used to be like  _ your  _ parents until you hated their son for years?

Caroline still looked surprised, glancing at Harold out of the corner of her eye. Lucas realized that this might have been the first time Eliott had left his room since he fell into a depressive episode. She came back into herself quickly, fussing around the kitchen for something to eat, a small smile on her face.

“Lucas, long time no see,” Harold said, staring him dead in the eye. Lucas figured when Harold had picked him up the night before that Eliott hadn’t told his parents about the two of them, but it seemed now Caroline must have passed on her suspicions. 

“Yeah…” Lucas trailed off, not quite knowing how to respond.  _ Sorry I hated your son for a good five years, I swear I love him now.  _ Would that suffice? 

“How are your parents?” he asked, clearly trying to make conversation without bringing up the obvious. Lucas stiffened, and Eliott did too. The truth of the matter was that he had no idea. He didn’t even know the institution his father had placed his mother in. He really should know, but he also didn’t ever want to talk to his dad again. Maybe once he turned eighteen there would be a way for him to find out more. He missed her, especially now. He wanted an annoying parent to talk to about his beautiful boyfriend, even if he would respond by rolling his eyes. That was part of being a teenager.  

“Um, fine, I suppose,” Lucas said, biting the inside of his cheek. “I don’t live with them anymore, I live with my friend from school Manon, and her cousin Lisa and their other friend Mika.”

“Oh? Getting a head start out on your own?” Harold asked with a grin and Eliott cut him off before he could speak further.

“Dad. Can we talk about something else?” he asked a bit harshly, harshly enough that Harold narrowed his eyes, but did as Eliott asked. 

He folded his hands on the table as if saying  _ you asked for it _ . “Alright, then. You two, huh? How long has this been going on?”

Lucas choked on the water he’d been attempting to drink to have something to do with his hands to keep them from sweating nervously. Eliott dropped his face into his hands and Lucas caught the end of a stern look from Caroline. 

Inexplicably, Lucas felt a bubble of laughter build in his chest. Maybe it was being away from the school, or being in a normal family setting for the first time in as long as he could remember, but he felt good. He’d take a possible shovel talk from his boyfriend’s dad over the director yelling at him about how he wasn’t good enough any day.

“Since a little bit earlier this year,” Lucas answered, and Eliott lifted his head long enough to look at Lucas with an incredulous expression. Lucas shrugged in response, the worst Eliott’s dad could do had nothing on the worst Lucas’ dad had done many times before. 

“You’re… you make each other happy?” Harold asked, and Lucas smiled involuntarily, glancing at Eliott. He opened his mouth but it was Eliott who answered. 

“Even at my lowest.”

Harold looked between the two of them, then shrugged, lifting his mug of coffee to his mouth. “Can’t say I didn’t see it coming.”

“Harold!” Caroline interjected from the stove, pointing her spatula at him menacingly. 

“I’m serious!” Harold said, raising his hands in surrender. “Come on, Caro, Eli-belly has been waxing poetic about this boy since the dawn of time.”

“Eli-belly,” Lucas whispered to Eliott with a laser sharp smirk. 

“Don’t even think about it,” Eliott whispered back, some color returning to his face. “Lulu,” he added, with a half a smile.

Lucas scoffed in mock outrage, but he couldn’t really even pretend to be mad. As long as Eliott was smiling, he could call him whatever he wanted to. He then registered what Eliott’s dad had just said. “Wait a minute,” he faced Eliott seriously, “Waxing poetic about me?”

“He would go on and on and on about your hair, your eyes, your laugh, oh god, it was so annoying,” Harold added, and Lucas couldn’t help but bite his lip and look to Eliott with both his eyebrows raised. 

Eliott crossed his arms defensively. “I never claimed not to have a crush on you, you were the oblivious one.”

Lucas opened his mouth to argue, but found he really didn’t have a counter-argument. He had been quite oblivious for quite some time. “Ok, fair.”

Eliott smiled a quick smile, cheeks still bright red as he exchanged a glare with his father. Lucas was hit again in that moment with how beautiful it was to be a part of this, of what a home could actually look like. He’d been without one for so long it was like a shock to his system.

The whole breakfast passed by in somewhat of a blur after that moment of realization. Eliott looked at him curiously a few times, but thankfully didn’t say anything. Even so, he had a smile glued to his face almost the entire time, whether from how delicious the food was, and how much he actually wanted to be there eating it, or from Harold teasing the three of them in a way that showed how much he actually cared, or from the way Eliott smiled the entire time too, not even looking like he realized he was smiling at all.

It was distracting, and it was beautiful, until Caroline looked at Eliott with hesitation in her eyes and Lucas felt the hairs stand up on his arms, dreading what she was about to say. 

“Eliott, the school called.”

There it was. Eliott’s smile dropped, Harold’s eyes were trained on his plate, and Lucas was caught in the middle of it all. 

“Oh?” Eliott said, voice light in a strained sort of way. 

“Before I say anything, I need to know if you want to go back or not. You don’t have to, and no one will think any less of you, but I need to know,” she said gently.

Eliott blinked, then looked at Lucas. “Of course I’m going back.”

Caroline nodded, as if that was what she expected. “You need to meet with the director when you return. You’ve missed enough classes that they can’t continue to give you leeway, even with notice of your diagnosis.”

Eliott’s face paled in an instant. “How do they know about my diagnosis?”

“I told you earlier this week, honey, they called to ascertain your whereabouts and the reason for your absence. The doctors provided your diagnostic report as well as the medications you’ll need at school, and the school was very understanding, but you’ll need to meet with the director.” Caroline’s expression was pained, like she knew exactly what Eliott was feeling and could feel it herself. 

Lucas felt like he was intruding on something he shouldn’t be. Eliott clenched his jaw, voice flat and cold. “When?”

“Tomorrow, if you’re up to going back,” Caroline said, and Eliott nodded, standing up from the table without a word and leaving the room. 

Lucas pushed his chair back a moment later, gesturing vaguely. “I’m gonna— I mean, he—”

Caroline waved him on, understanding what he was unable to articulate. He hopped up from the table, rushing to Eliott’s room, then halting at the door. What if Eliott didn’t want to see him?  _ Fuck it _ , he decided. Even if Eliott didn’t want to see him, he wanted to make sure he was ok. 

Eliott was sitting with his back to the door on the edge of his bed, body shaking with silent sobs. Lucas made sure his footsteps were audible as he approached, so Eliott would have a chance to turn him away if he needed to. He didn’t, so Lucas got closer still until he was able to sit beside Eliott on the bed, placing an arm around his shoulders.

Eliott collapsed into him, sobs coming in gasping breaths. Lucas wrapped both his arms around Eliott tightly, protecting him from the world and from himself. At least, he hoped he was. They could talk about it later, but for the time being, Lucas just had to be there for him.

Eliott had been trying to save him all this time, so now it was time for Lucas to save him right back.

 

**Dimanche 12:00**

Lucas had been ready to fight tooth and nail to meet with the director with Eliott, but it turned out he didn’t have to. Apparently his unauthorized visit to Eliott’s house hadn’t gone unnoticed, so he was being spoken to as well. It was bullshit, people came and went all the time without express permission, especially on the weekends, but apparently it was an issue because he’d been gone over twenty-four hours and no one knew where he went.

No matter the circumstance, Lucas was waiting with Eliott in the director’s office, empty desk in front of them ominously striking. The director had to step out for a call, and Lucas could tell both of them were restless with nervous energy.

Lucas slipped his hand over to Eliott’s chair, lacing their fingers together and giving Eliott’s hand a small squeeze. It was all he could give at the moment, and he hoped it was enough. 

The door banged open and Eliott let go, startling in his seat. Lucas retracted his hand back, trying to steady himself so as to not get riled up by the director, even though he could only assume the worst.

“M. Demaury, M. Lallemant, what a pleasure to be graced by your presence,” the director began, and Lucas stiffened. Deep breaths, he had to stay calm and collected for Eliott. 

“M. Demaury, you’re aware you’ve missed ten rehearsals. We’ve made an exception to the attendance rules for you, due to circumstances outside your control, but we can no longer turn a blind eye. We need our lead to be reliable and mentally stable, so for this reason we think it would be best if M. Lallemant here took over the role of Prince Siegfried in the winter production. I need to discuss further with the other instructors, but there needs to be a serious conversation about whether you should continue in this school at all.” 

Fuck, that was not what Lucas had been expecting at all, and he was sure it showed on his face. Eliott hadn’t reacted at all, which Lucas figured was a bad sign. It was ironic, that this was what Lucas had wanted from the beginning, but now that he was faced with it maybe the director was right about him, and he wasn’t cutthroat enough for the ballet world.

The way the director said it too… mentally stable, as if Eliott was a lesser human for having a mental illness. It was something Lucas’ dad would have said, and that thought hit do deeply that it activated his fight or flight response. Normally he would have chosen flight, but this was Eliott, and Lucas would always fight for him. 

“That’s really fucking ableist,” Lucas said, brain barely processing the words before they were out. Eliott’s head snapped as he turned to look at Lucas with wide eyes and the director even seemed a bit taken aback. 

Lucas sat back into his chair. “What would you do if your lead dancer had an eating disorder?”

The director steeled himself, sitting up straighter. “Eating disorders are just a fictionalized disorder people self diagnose themselves with to have an excuse for their misgivings. Real eating disorders don’t exist, it’s just a matter of weakness and strength.”

“So I don’t eat for days on end as an excuse for my terrible dancing, just to clarify?” Lucas asked.

“Please, M. Lallemant, if your dancing was terrible, you never would have made it this far. If you aren’t eating, you’re not special. Ask any other dancer, they’ll just give you a congratulations or a complete dismissal. Technically, your dancing is excellent, but it’s that heart of yours that gets in the way. It’s why you’re the understudy, why you always will be, because you’re here arguing for him when you could be accepting the opportunity I’ve presented you gratefully,” the director sneered.

Lucas shrugged. “Maybe I won’t make it then, if that’s what it takes to get to the top. I don’t want to be a part of something that requires the belittlement of others for personal gain.”

“That’s life, M. Lallemant,” the director laughed mirthlessly.

“Maybe yours, but it doesn’t have to be mine. I want to succeed because  _ I  _ succeeded, not because the director of whatever company I’m a part of is an ableist asshole who sees neurodivergence as means for persecution and thinks that having real problems are just an excuse for someone to feel special.”

The director looked incredulous, and Eliott was still staring at Lucas intensely, not saying a word. “I don’t know what he’s told you, M. Lallemant, but M. Demaury has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We can’t trust him with the responsibility of a lead role, he’s too unreliable, which has been proven over the course of the semester already.”

“Then have him train for extra hours to make up for the time he’s missed. As far as I’m aware, when he’s  _ in _ class, he’s the model student, so why are you judging based on experiences you’ve never witnessed or experienced yourself? Only Eliott can feel what he feels but you’re not even giving him a chance to do so, to explain how he feels or what that might mean for his career.” Lucas briefly wondered what his life would be like if he had any self preservation instincts at all.

“I don’t suppose M. Demaury has anything to add?” the director looked at Eliott pointedly yet disinterestedly, as if he couldn’t care less what Eliott had to say. Lucas could tell this was the first time he’d ever seen this look from the director, because he shrank into himself further, finally looking away from Lucas. 

He folded his hands in his lap, gripping them so tightly his knuckles turned white. “I’m not going to sit here and argue my mental stability with you, because I know you’re not going to hear it, but I need you to know that this is my life. Ballet is everything to me, well…” He cast a short glance to Lucas. “Maybe not everything, but I would be lost without it. Prince Siegfried is the role of a lifetime, a role I’ve dreamed to play as long as I can remember, but if you truly believe Lucas would be better suited to the role, then I accept that. But please,  _ please _ , don’t kick me out of the program. I won’t survive without it, I really won’t.”

Lucas was fuming, listening to the broken quality of Eliott’s voice. Eliott was a fighter, a believer, a dreamer. He didn’t deserve to be treated this way. Neither of them did, Lucas realized with a jolt. Yes, the dance world was intense, and strictness was to be expected, but no one should have to go through all this bullshit when they were seventeen. 

The director looked at Eliott with intensity burning through his gaze. “This will need to be further discussed, as I said.” He looked to Lucas. “With some minor accommodations, regarding your… comments.”

By fighting for Eliott, Lucas might have made a bit of an enemy of the director, but what else was new. All he had to do was get through the year, then he would be free from this tyranny. Sure, other company directors were probably just as harsh, if not more so, but at least he had ample experience in dealing with it. He would probably regret everything he said later, was already starting to regret it a little bit, but he couldn’t let that show. He had to act like he didn’t care what happened, because he knew that he was right, and the director would have to grow up himself and stop using his position of power as an excuse to be a complete asshole. 

“Thank you,” Lucas said, standing from his chair. Eliott stood as well, looking at the floor, saying nothing. 

The director leaned back in his chair as they began to walk out, calling out to them before they closed the door. “You’ll have until Friday, then I and the other instructors will make a decision about both of your futures here.”

Wait… both?

“Excuse me, sir?” Lucas clarified, sure he’d misheard. The last thing the director had said was that he was the Prince in the show from now on. 

The director grinned a cocky, fully chilling smile. He was powerful and he knew it, which was the worst thing about it. “You think the disrespect you’ve just shown me is tolerated at this school? No matter how important you think you are, you are just a student here, and I am the director. I call the shots, and I say who has a future in this program and who doesn’t. I very much appreciate your concerns for M. Demaury, truly, but your attitude is grounds for expulsion as well. Did you not think of that before you got snippy with me, M. Lallemant?”

“But sir—”

“You’re dismissed.” He waved a lazy hand, turning his back to the two of them. Lucas stood aghast, unable to move or speak. He felt when Eliott’s hand slipped into his and tugged him gently towards the door, and only then was he able to regain control over his body. 

“Yes, sir,” Lucas said, closing the door and feeling every emotion rushing through him at once. He could feel his breathing increasing rapidly but was defenseless to stop it. Why had he done that, said those things? The walls were closing in on him and he had no escape. It was a wonder he’d even made it out the door without collapsing into a lifeless heap. 

He was going to get kicked out. Where would he go? He didn’t have a home, a family, he had no one, he was alone, he had nothing— 

There were hands on his face, and his vision that he didn’t realize had blurred cleared a bit. Stormy blue eyes stared into his, and he remembered. He had Eliott. He didn’t have anything else, but he had Eliott. He wasn’t alone.

“Lu.” A soft and beautiful melody, muddled by the racing thoughts in his mind.

“Lu.” A repeated gesture, a show of love.

“ _ Lu. _ ” A promise.

“ _ Eli _ ,” he said, and the world came back into focus. “I’m drowning.”

He felt Eliott’s hands grip his face tighter. “No you’re not, I’m here, I’m with you.”

“I’m drowning.”

A press of lips to his forehead, hands still cupping his chin. “I’m here.”

_ But what if I fall too far under, what if the water gets to high, what if you’re not there anymore _ . 

He must have said it aloud without realizing it, because Eliott shook his head, pressing their foreheads together and looking at Lucas with what could only be described as love in its simplest, most beautiful form.

“Hell or high water, I’ll swim to you every time,” he said, and Lucas believed him. 

 

**Lundi 10:13**

The atmosphere had been strange all day so far. Everyone knew that Eliott’s absences were a cause for controversy, even if they didn’t know the exact details. He hadn’t stood at the front of the barre in Rigaux’s class, something that immediately put everyone on edge. 

Even though he’d been strong for Lucas after the meeting with the director, Lucas could tell Eliott still wasn’t quite himself. He seemed to be out of the deepest darkest part of his depressive episode, but now he just seemed resigned, accepting a fate not yet given. 

It was silly, really, that everyone still thought they hated each other, but Lucas wasn’t about to correct anyone, not when Eliott wasn’t feeling his best and when their futures were so precarious as it was. Imane knew, obviously, and kept looking back and forth between the two of them, surely arranging puzzle pieces in her mind to fit the situation. Hopefully she didn’t still think Eliott was on drugs.

Their rehearsals were broken up that day to go visit the stage they would be performing on, now that dress rehearsals were looming in the not so distant future. Lucas had been so excited for this day, but now all those emotions were taking a backseat to his fear that he’d never get to perform on that stage.

Arthur and Yann sat beside him on the bus ride to the venue, but it was clear Lucas and Arthur’s minds were elsewhere. Yann eventually gave up on trying to make conversation, but did so with a look that said  _ We’re all talking later _ . 

Even with his mood soured, it was hard not to be in awe as they stepped into the auditorium for the first time. There were audible gasps from the group as everyone ran to the stage except for Eliott, hands trailing along the plush velvet seats. Lucas looked back briefly and saw Eliott standing still at the back of the theatre, eyes trained on the stage far ahead of him. He did nothing, because what could he do, really, and joined everyone else on the stage. 

The director didn’t accompany them today, which was a surprise, so they were chaperoned by M. Caron, who preferred that they call him Tomas, their hip hop instructor. He obviously didn’t totally understand the significance of the space, but he was very enthusiastic regardless. 

The cygnets performed their little swans piece haphazardly, Manon playing instrumental rap music as they did so, all of them laughing all the while. Julian, the student from the year below chosen to be in the show, was simply staring out into all the seats in the theatre, eyes wide, which Lucas thought was a justifiable reaction. Eliott sat in one of the seats, watching everyone onstage but not participating, and Lucas was grateful when Sofiane stopped what he was doing to go join him. 

Lucas walked directly to center stage, letting the massive— and very hot— lights bathe him in their fluorescent rays as he wondered what his life might have been like if he wasn’t so messed up inside. Because really, it was his own fault that he might never be able to dance on this stage in front of an audience, even as part of the corps de ballet. 

He must have looked stunned or something, because soon Yann was in front of him, looking into his eyes with his brows furrowed. “Are you ok, Lucas?” 

He just shook his head, because it was all hitting him again like it had the day before, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Yann took his hand and led him off into the wings, looking at something over Lucas’ shoulder as he went, Lucas following along dazedly. They sat down away from everyone and Lucas saw a moment later that Arthur had joined them, a confused expression on his face. 

“Bro meeting,” Yann said when they were all seated. 

“But Tomas—” Arthur began to argue, gesturing to their instructor, cut off by an eyeroll from Yann. 

“Tomas couldn’t care less about what we’re all doing, and we’re here until break at noon, so we’re having a bro meeting before the two of you can slip away,” Yann said definitively. 

Surprisingly, Lucas wasn’t mad about it. Sure, he couldn’t tell them about Eliott, but he realized he hadn’t actually shared much about his own issues recently. The last conversation he’d had with Arthur hadn’t even been about either of the two of them, not really, and the last conversation he’d had with Yann had just been fluff. It had been needed at the time, but now he needed something more. They all probably did.

“I’ll start,” Yann continued, looking to both of them in turn, “I may or may not be hooking up with Chloé on the dl.”

Lucas coughed, shooting Arthur a wide eyed look. “My ex-girlfriend Chloé?”

“Did that even count?” Yann asked, and, true, but Lucas still had to take a minute to think it all over. 

“That’s three girls in our year, dude,” Arthur said, looking more like himself, which meant that he looked somewhat impressed. 

“Ingrid and Emma were so long ago, did you expect me to be celibate forever?” Yann scoffed.

Lucas snorted, laughing more easily than he thought he’d be able to. “I don’t think any of us were worried about you being celibate forever.”

“Ah, right, that’s you, our resident pure child,” Yann teased, taking Lucas’ face in his hands and squishing his cheeks. Lucas pushed him away with a laugh, thinking to himself about how that wasn’t necessarily true anymore… though he supposed he was still innocent in some of the few bigger ways that counted, but that was a conversation for another time. “Well?” Yann continued, “Who’s next?”

“Next? You barely said anything other than that you’re banging Chloé,” Arthur said, raising his eyebrows. 

Yann rolled his eyes. “I would have said that, bro meeting or not. I just needed something to say first to get you guys to open up to me and to each other. Come on! We’re the gang! We’ve gotta be more open with each other if we want our friendship to actually mean something.”

“Basile’s not here,” Lucas pointed out, but Yann waved him off.

“Basile doesn’t count, because Basile overshares at any given opportunity. Haven’t you been reading his texts in the group chat?” Lucas had been, and he wished desperately some things could be erased from his brain. 

“That’s fair,” Lucas admitted, then admitted further, “I’m sorry I’ve been so distant lately, I’ve been dealing with a lot, I guess.”

“Like what?” Yann asked, not prying, but curious.

“I, um, have an eating disorder,” he said quietly, wishing he could take it back the second the words left his mouth. It was like coming out, in a way, all the nervous energy pent up waiting for reactions from people. 

Yann and Arthur were both looking at him, shock apparent on their faces. He didn’t know if he felt like shit for telling them or for not telling them. To his surprise, no words were spoken as he was engulfed in a giant hug that knocked him over onto his back. 

“What the fuck Lucas?” Yann said when he released Lucas from his grasp. “How could you go through something like that without telling us?”

Lucas shrugged. “Because it’s embarrassing. And because I didn’t even admit it to myself until like a week ago. Nothing’s been properly diagnosed or anything, but I suppose an eating disorder is what you call it when you don’t eat for days on end.”

“Does Manon know?” Arthur asked, and Lucas shook his head. 

“Does  _ anyone _ know?” Yann asked, and Lucas shook his head again, then reconsidered. He didn’t want them to know that Eliott knew yet, but he supposed he could tell them about the situation he was in with the director in the meantime.

“Well… sort of,” he admitted. “The director… he knows about it, amongst a combination of things, and, um, long story short, but they might expel me.” That was the gist of it, after all. He had to believe that there was more reason for the director to want to expel him than having a little attitude once in ten years. 

_ “What?” _ Arthur and Yann hissed in unison, looking at him incredulously. 

Lucas shrugged. “No, no, they can’t do that to you,” Arthur said, fuming. “That’s such  _ bullshit _ . This is why I fucking hate this place. It sucks everything good out of dancing. If you’re gone, I’m gone too, Lucas, I’m serious.”

Lucas knew he was, could tell by the set of his jaw. “Arthur… come on, stop it. There are other things out there for me. Maybe ballet just isn’t my thing.”

“Bullshit,” Yann chimed in, “You love it more than any of us, even though you have quite a few reasons not to.”

“Wait a minute,” Arthur began, looking out at the rest of their class, frowning. “So you might get kicked out, but Demaury just gets to waltz back in after another week missing and pick up his lead role from where he left off?”

Lucas didn’t know how much he should reveal that he knew. Did Yann and Arthur even know he was gone most of the weekend? He assumed not, because they hadn’t asked. “He’s on the director’s shit list too,” he revealed, deciding he could pretend Eliott had said something upon his return to school. 

“I don’t know why, exactly, but the director is deciding both of our fates on Friday,” he continued. Perfect. Vague enough that he wouldn’t reveal himself, but specific enough they wouldn’t question him further. 

Arthur let out a deep exhale. “Fuck.”

Lucas nodded. “Fuck indeed.”

“What would we do without the two best male dancers? And right before the show?” Arthur continued, gesticulating wildly. 

Lucas leveled him with a look and rolled his eyes. “Ha ha. I mean, I guess it would make the most sense for you to stand in for Eliott or to take over Sofiane’s role and for him to stand in for Eliott.”

“I’m serious dude, no one can do what you guys do,” Arthur said, neglecting to respond to anything else he said. 

Lucas looked to Yann for backup, but he just nodded along with Arthur. “What?” he said defensively, “He’s right.”

“Ugh.” Lucas put his face in his hands. “Why are you guys so nice and supportive? It’s annoying.” 

It wasn’t annoying, but they knew what he meant. Yann sighed dramatically. “That’s what bro meetings are for.”

“Fair enough,” Lucas conceded with a small laugh. “But that’s enough about me, this is a three person bro meeting, M. Broussard.”

Arthur sat back on his elbows and sighed, glancing down at the floor. “I was kind of hoping you’d all forget about me.”

“As if we could ever,” Yann scoffed, hand to his chest. Arthur rolled his eyes, kicking Yann with one of his feet. 

“Listen, there’s nothing dramatic going on with me, ok? Perfectly dandy,” he said.

“Coming from the master of bullshit, I don’t believe that for one second.” Lucas raised his eyebrows at Arthur, who looked away once their eyes met. 

It was funny, Lucas didn’t really realize until that moment how little Arthur actually shared about himself. Sure he’d talk about superficial things, mention his late night escapades away from the school, but he never once talked about his family, anyone he liked, or even ballet. The closest they’d come to having a conversation about any of those things was the last time they’d spoken, but Arthur had left in such a rush that Lucas didn’t know what he was supposed to have gathered from the conversation.

“Fine,” Arthur relented after Lucas and Yann stared at him long enough. “It’s not a huge deal, so please don’t make it one, but I’ve been in the process of legal emancipation from my parents.”

Lucas blinked, half wondering how he didn’t know this and half wondering why he’d never considered doing that himself. Yann piped up, “Aren’t you almost eighteen anyway?”

Arthur shook his head. “I have a late birthday, like Lulu. Besides, this isn’t the beginning of the process. I’ve been doing this for a little over a year, it’s only just now coming to a head.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Yann asked the question Lucas was thinking, heartbroken. Were they really all so lost in their own shit that Arthur felt he couldn’t come to them with things so prevalent in his life?

“How do you say something like that? Yann, your family is perfect, and Lucas yours must be all right if they let you move in with Manon last summer.” Arthur sounded strained, a bit like he was pleading. Yann shot Lucas a look, as he knew more about Lucas’ home life than Arthur did, and Lucas realized he couldn’t really be upset with Arthur for not saying anything if he hadn’t either. 

“I moved in with Manon because my mom was committed to an institution when I was ten and my dad was quite the disciplinarian, if you understand what I mean,” Lucas said softly, urging Arthur with his eyes to comprehend what he was saying without saying.

He did, Lucas could see it in his eyes. “Lucas, I’m— I didn’t mean—”

“It’s fine, how were you supposed to know if I never told you?” Lucas said seriously, because he didn’t want Arthur to feel bad, he just wanted to show that he related more than Arthur had originally thought. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

Arthur softened. “You don’t have to be sorry. I guess we’re both a little private with our issues, huh?”

“You could say that,” Lucas acknowledged with a small grin that Arthur returned after a moment. He met Yann’s eyes, then Arthur’s. “I really love you guys, you know that, right?”

“That’s gay Lucas,” Yann said, then, “But me too. No homo.”

“No homo,” Lucas agreed, pulling them both into another hug.

“I love you guys too,” Arthur said, once they were all in one big pile. Then, as an afterthought. “No homo.”

The three of them broke down into giggles, only to be interrupted by Tomas, peering at them curiously. “You boys all right?” he asked, and they fell into another fit of laughter. 

“Peachy,” Yann answered for the three of them, avoiding Tomas’ suspicious stare. Then, under his breath, “Bro meeting was a success then, yeah? I’m calling it a success.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night Yann.” Arthur patted Yann’s back and Yann returned the gesture by nudging him again, nearly knocking their no homo bro hug over again.

“Are we missing out on a company group hug?” Emma asked, sidling up beside Tomas, Imane, Manon, and Daphné by her side. 

The three boys looked at each other and shrugged. “Sure, why not?” Lucas said, laughing to himself. 

Sure enough, a hug for three became a hug for many as everyone piled on one by one, even the people Lucas didn’t talk to that much. He caught Yann’s eye as Chloé joined the hug, earning a fond eye roll. 

He waited, hoping one last person would join their dogpile, and he finally did, a bit tentatively. He was across from Lucas, engulfed by Sofiane and Imane, but he was there, and, when he met Lucas’ eye, Eliott smiled. 

 

**Jeudi 20:44**

Lucas wondered if it was even worth it to do his work at this point. Technically, he still had to graduate, but would he have to repeat the whole year if he was kicked out or would he just continue where he left off? He didn’t know what Eliott had decided to do about the matter, partially because he hadn’t asked and partially because Eliott was out to dinner with his parents at the moment. He’d offered to have Lucas come with, but Lucas didn’t want to intrude more than he had over the weekend, so he stayed, promising he’d eat on his own. 

Surprisingly, he kept that promise. It wasn’t anything special, but he’d made himself some spaghetti, eating it plain because he couldn’t stomach anything else at the moment, but at least it was progress. 

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket as he finished washing his dishes, pulling it out with curiosity.

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** want to meet?

**Lucas:** Meet where?

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** at the theatre?

**Lucas:** Like… the one we’re supposed to perform at?

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** yes

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** i’m not manic, my parents only agreed to drop me off here if you came too

**Lucas:** I didn’t think you were I guess I’m just confused

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** please?

**Lucas:** You know I can’t say no to you <3

**Lucas:** On my way

**MY BOYFRIEND 💘✨😍🦝💯🤪:** love you, see you soon 

**Lucas:** Love you too

Well, it looked like he was going to the theatre. Would it even be open? Whatever, that didn’t matter; all that mattered was Eliott right now, and admittedly Lucas did want to go back again, especially if it was the last time ever.

He snuck out, telling Imane where he’d gone so she’d be able to cover for him if by odd chance the director sought out him or Eliott. Apparently Eliott had told Sofiane and Idriss some things about what was going on in his life, but not all of it, so Imane didn’t fight him about going to meet Eliott thankfully. 

The bus ride felt longer than it had on Monday, probably because Yann wasn’t sitting there talking his ear off and his mind wasn’t rattling with unwanted thoughts. The thoughts were still there, lurking, but all he had on his mind was Eliott at that moment, whether Eliott had asked him to come because things were good or bad. 

He tried the door once when he got there, and to his surprise it was open, so he figured Eliott must be waiting inside. Sure enough, once he got to the auditorium, Eliott was lying on his back in the middle of the stage. Lucas made his footsteps apparent and Eliott looked up, wide eyes going soft when he saw who it was. 

“Hello my love,” Eliott said, and Lucas ran the rest of the way up to the stage. It had been so long since Eliott had called him that. So long, and it still filled Lucas with butterflies all the way up to his ears. He didn’t want to be called babe, baby, honey, darling, or any of those other pet names, he’d always found them sort of superficial and cringey, but when Eliott called him my love or Lu his heart filled with the light of a million stars.

He didn’t, however, have a special name to call Eliott, other than Eli, which would have to suffice for now. “Hey, Eli,” he said as Eliott stood up and melted right into his arms. He looked like he’d been crying, and Lucas didn’t really blame him.

“Why are we here?” he asked once they released one another enough to look into each other’s eyes.

Eliott pressed their foreheads together gently, closing his eyes briefly before opening them back up, not trying to hide any of his pain or emotion or love. “If this is my last dance, I want it to be with you.”

“Eli don’t say that,” Lucas said, shaking his head slightly and placing his hands on either side of Eliott’s face. 

“Lu, neither of us know what’s going to happen. I just want one perfect night in case this all ends tomorrow. Will you give me that? One perfect night?” Eliott pleaded, and while it broke Lucas’ heart, he agreed. They could discuss the downfalls of their current situation all they wanted, but if they were really one step from leaving ballet forever, they might as well make the most of what they had at that moment. 

Lucas wanted to say  _ I’ll give you as many perfect nights as I’m physically capable of _ , but instead he said, “Of course I will.”

“Then let’s dance.” Eliott removed himself, picking his phone up off the stage and tapping on it until he chose whatever song he wanted. He set it down at the front of the stage and turned the volume all the way up. 

The first few beats filled the silence as Eliott grabbed Lucas by the hand. “I found this song the other day, and I thought of you, of us. Maybe it can be the song we play for our first wedding dance.”

Lucas blushed and hid his head in Eliott’s chest as they swayed together, not really dance the way they’d been trained to, but the way they needed to in that moment. The song really was beautiful, as Lucas listened to the lyrics more. It fit them perfectly, actually. 

“What’s it called?” he asked.

“Work.”

Lucas nodded his head, still lying his head on Eliott’s chest like they were at some basic high school dance instead of spending the night on a stage they might never be able to perform on. “I think I’d like that,” he said softly, and Eliott freed one of his hands to tip Lucas’ head up to his. 

“I love you so much,” he said.

“I love you too,” Lucas responded, because how could he not. He stood up on his toes to kiss Eliott slowly and deeply, letting the music wrap around them and carry them into oblivion. 

Even as that song ended, the music continued to play, a random mix of songs that had Eliott blushing and Lucas laughing as they leaped and pirouetted around the stage, combining a bunch of old variations they’d learned and trying to match them to whatever music was playing, from rap, to dubstep, to pop, and everything in between. 

Lucas was laughing so hard his cheeks hurt, and Eliott’s eyes were alive with a light Lucas didn’t know if he’d ever see again. It was so nice to just be Lu and Eli again; sure they had their problems, but they were working through them as one, just as their first song had said. It would take work, but it was  _ their _ work, and they wanted nothing more than to tackle it together.

“I LOVE YOU ELIOTT DEMAURY!” Lucas yelled, letting his voice echo around the theatre as Eliott picked him up from behind and spun him around the room. 

“I LOVE YOU LUCAS LALLEMANT!” Eliott yelled in response, giggling through his words, still carrying Lucas around.

They somehow both ended up on the floor, log rolling across the length of the stage, then crab walking, because how often would they get a chance to do that on a professional stage? Maybe his life hadn’t led up to performing as Prince Siegfried on a stage in front of a full audience, maybe it had led up to him doing as many cartwheels as he could around the stage until he either got too dizzy or fell off, boyfriend counting from one of the velvet seats in the audience. It wasn’t the life he’d dreamed for himself, and he was still having trouble reconciling the life he’d always wanted with the one he was likely to get, but it was times like this that made the possible transition a bit easier. 

As Eliott hopped back up on the stage, lights basking him in a golden glow, smile so bright on his face it was hard to believe it would ever dim again, and Lucas took it all in. He sat down, looking up at everything Eliott was, and smiled in return.  

“Eliott Demaury you are the sun in its purest form.” 

 

**Vendredi 1:02**

“Hey Eliott?” Lucas said breathlessly, turning his head to the boy flopped down beside him.

“Yeah?”

“Your dick? Pretty big. Ten out of ten.”

He was immediately accosted by a pillow to the face followed by a short laugh, but he really couldn’t find the energy to care. He’d just about spent it all already. Slowly, their laughter subsided and Lucas thought maybe Eliott had fallen asleep. But then he spoke, voice lighting up the darkness with another small laugh. 

“You have a pretty big dick too.” 

 

**Vendredi 17:00**

Lucas was still riding the high of the night before, and it was good that he was because otherwise he’d probably be dying inside. He and Eliott hadn’t gotten back to school until nearly midnight, but they were able to sneak back in without any trouble, and once they were back they’d explored each other in ways they never had before, hungry with the desire to have their perfect night the way they deserved to. 

It should have been a rude awakening when their alarms went off at a quarter to six in the morning, but it wasn’t. Lucas woke with Eliott’s arm around his waist, both of their hair an utter mess, and neither of them would have had it any other way. 

They’d danced their hearts out at rehearsals, and judging by the looks students and instructors alike were giving them, their dancing was noteworthy to a new extreme. If it was their last day, may as well go out with a bang, they’d decided. Eliott had giggled to himself at the wording, and Lucas had to resist the urge to return his gesture from the night before and hit him with a pillow.

Now, sitting back in the director’s office, the unease was starting to creep in again, but Lucas did all he could to keep it at bay, scooting his chair closer to Eliott’s so they could hold hands covertly. 

The director stormed into the room like he had before, but this time he was followed by all of their instructors, each one of them looking quite grim. It didn’t give Lucas a good feeling. Even Tomas, happy go lucky Tomas, was looking at them sympathetically. Lucas felt Eliott clench his hand, and he squeezed right back. 

“I’ll have the both of you know that this decision was  _ not _ unanimous,” the director began, glaring at one of their instructors but averting his eyes before Lucas could follow his line of sight. “It was actually quite the close call, and I must say I’m not entirely pleased with the outcome… but the majority has voted, and the majority decided that the both of you be allowed to complete your final year here at the Paris Opera Ballet School.”

An incredulous laugh burst its way out of Lucas before he could stop it, and when he turned he was met with a face full of disbelief from Eliott.  _ They were staying, they weren’t getting kicked out _ . It was hard to believe, actually. Who had been the majority? 

“There are some conditions,” the director continued, frowning disdainfully at their reactions. The two of them nodded soberly, paying rapt attention. 

“M. Demaury, as long as you are here you are required to attend two therapy sessions a week, where your medication will be monitored to make sure you’re on track with your mental health.” He said it like it was the most disgusting thing in the world, but Eliott’s expression didn’t change. “The same will go for you, M. Lallemant, and you will meet with a nutrition specialist to get your physical health back on track as well as a few preliminary sessions with a clinical psychologist in order to properly diagnose your… issues.”

As much as the idea terrified him, he would do whatever was asked of him so long as he got to stay. The way the director was speaking, with so much clear disgust, still set off a reaction in the pit of Lucas’ stomach, but he held back, not wanting to do or say anything that might make him change his mind. 

“As far as the show goes, we realize it’s too far into the semester, too close to opening night for us to ask anyone else to fill in for the lead, as that would be unfair to them, so we’ve decided that the two of you will alternate shows, performing as both the lead and the understudy on opposing nights. I really don’t think either of you are suited for the lead, but this was the best we could come up with, given all the circumstances,” the director finished, and Lucas almost jumped out of his seat. 

The lead. He was going to play the lead. Maybe not every night, but he wasn’t just going to be relegated to the background when he’d been doing so much work to learn everything that went into the role of Prince Siegfried all this time. And this way Eliott also wasn’t going to lose everything he’d been working for. Eliott would probably be disappointed by this, the sharing of roles, so Lucas didn’t look at him quite yet, wanting to allow himself to bask in what really was the best case scenario. He didn’t know which of their instructors had stuck their necks out for him, but he would have to give them each an extravagant gift, just in case. Except for the director. Fuck him. 

“Well?” the director prompted, and Lucas realized they’d both just been staring at him silently. 

Lucas was the first to speak. “Thank you, sir, so much. I promise, I will do everything in my power so you don’t regret this decision. Not everyone is given a second chance, especially not in ballet, but I’ll do everything in my power to make sure this one isn’t wasted.”

The director merely nodded, uncaring, as he looked at Eliott, clearly expecting a thank you. Lucas finally looked at him too, and what he saw shocked him. Eliott didn’t look meek or upset at all, he looked equal parts proud and relieved. 

“I thank you as well, sir, I really do, but I want you to remember this,” Eliott said, “I want you to remember this when Lucas and I are the principal dancers in our respective companies, I want you to remember that you voted against us, and that we proved you wrong. I want you to remember that my bipolar disorder, Lucas’ eating disorder, those weren’t weaknesses. Sure, they may have caused some struggle, but I want you to remember that we rose to the top despite obstacles in our paths, and that you were one of them. Even more so than anything going on in my head, or his. Leading by fear can only get you so far in this world, and if I have any impact on the dance world at all, I want it to be taking down assholes like you who think discrimination is a healthy and functional way to run a school. Understood?” 

He stood up on his final word, shooting a sarcastic smile in the director’s direction, who looked completely dumbfounded. Lucas almost laughed at the somewhat impressed expressions on the faces of their other instructors as he stood up as well, taking Eliott’s hand not even caring if it caused any indignation. Just before he walked out he threw one last glance over his shoulder, seeing the director staring right back at him, face a mix of shock and confusion. Lucas laughed to himself, making sure the director could see and raised one eyebrow in challenge before closing the door behind him. 

Once they were out of the long hallway that separated the administration from the students, Eliott swept Lucas up into his arms. “It’s not over for us!” he exclaimed breathlessly, and Lucas started crying tears of utter shock and joy. 

“We’re— they—” Lucas tried, but he couldn’t even articulate all he was feeling. Eliott nodded regardless, knowing what he meant without him even having to say it. “I can’t believe it,” he added, heart pounding faster and faster. 

“I can,” Eliott said, “You know why? Because we’re born for this, and even if they kicked us out, we’d still find our way, make them regret they’d ever doubted us. We’re stars, you and I, and we should never ever let anyone try to extinguish our light again. Deal?”

“Deal,” Lucas agreed, though he thought Eliott was still much more a star than he was. There was something on his mind still, though. “You aren’t mad, though?”

“Mad? What do I have to be mad about?”

“Your role… you earned it, and now I’m swooping in to steal half your time in the spotlight.”

Eliott pulled him in close. “Lucas. I don’t care about that. All I care about is getting to dance again, and you. Lucky me, I get both, and I don’t care if I don’t get to be the lead in every performance. You deserve it as much as I do, if not more. I’m going to be so proud seeing you out there dancing the role you’ve always dreamed of.”

“Really?” Lucas found it hard to believe.

“Really.” Then again, Eliott was the perfect boyfriend. Well, not perfect, but perfect for him. God, what was Eliott doing to him? He was getting so sappy, so in love. Lucas from a year ago would never, but Lucas from a year ago also wasn’t someone Lucas from the present ever wanted to see again. It was getting harder and harder for him to pretend soulmates didn’t exist. How could they not, when Eliott Demaury existed, and he existed, and Lucas had this sense that they were made to find each other in every universe? “Now come on,” Eliott added, “Let’s go celebrate.”

Lucas raised one eyebrow. “Celebrate? What do you have in mind?”

“Oh… I have a few ideas.” He looked at Lucas pointedly, and Lucas couldn’t follow him to their room fast enough, smiling from the inside out. 

Minute by minute was what they’d promised each other, and in that minute, Lucas had reached for the stars and found them closer in his grasp than he’d ever thought they could be. So he touched one, and now his whole world was shining with the light it brought with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love you all so much and i hope you love this chapter as much as i do <33 thanks for the continued support
> 
> once again, the jeudi 20:44 song is work by charlotte day wilson and no i will never shut up about this being the most elu song ever
> 
> find me on tumblr: livvyblxckthxrn


	15. xv.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another 10k chapter guys i can't help it at this point i love this au so much 🥺 
> 
> thank u all so much for reading/commenting/messaging me about this fic i love every reaction so so much <3
> 
> u asked for the fluff, and i'm doing my best to deliver ;)
> 
> tw: brief mentions of eating disorder, ocd, ptsd, anxiety, references to past sexual abuse, brief allusion to past suicidal ideation

**Samedi 11:24**

“You’re cute.”

Lucas scrunched his nose up, shaking his head from where he was laying in bed, facing Eliott. When Eliott lifted his head to readjust the way he was lying down Lucas saw pillow creases on the side of his cheek, and it was adorable. 

“You are. You’re so cute,” Eliott repeated, tapping Lucas on the nose. In all honesty, Lucas knew he was cute, objectively, but he’d keep refusing if it meant Eliott kept telling him so. 

He grabbed one of Eliott’s hands and stretched their joined palms up to the ceiling before flopping them back down between the two of them, tracing small circles on the palm of Eliott’s hand. “I’m not,” he lied.

“You are.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well, you should.”

“Hmmm…”

“Hmmm…” Eliott mimicked, screwing his face up in a way Lucas figured was supposed to match what Lucas had done prior. 

Lucas laughed, ducking his head down. “Stop. Now  _ you’re  _ cute.”

“I wasn’t before?” Eliott gasped in faux offense. Lucas merely raised one eyebrow, looking away pointedly. Eliott gasped again, this time in indignation. “Rude!”

Before Lucas could do or say anything else, Eliott unwrapped his hand from Lucas’ and used it to pull him closer. It was nice until Eliott started to tickle him. Lucas cursed his past self for admitting how ticklish he was, because now Eliott could use that to his advantage. 

“Eli! Eli! Stop ah—” Lucas laughed, breaths coming in short gasps as he tried and failed to squirm away. The light in Eliott’s eyes was almost blinding it burned so bright. Lucas knew it was a foolish wish, but he wished it could stay like that forever. Anytime Eliott had a smile on his face, Lucas felt like all was right in the world.

Eliott stopped tickling him abruptly and it was only then that Lucas realized they’d rolled so Eliott was hovering over him, pillow creases still apparent on his face and the sun streaming through the window framing him in a golden halo. Lucas’ heart stopped briefly when he realized that this was possibly the most beautiful Eliott had ever looked. 

He lifted a hand and placed it on Eliott’s chest, fingers tracing idly over the ink tattooed there. “I’ve never asked, when did you get this?”

Eliott looked down at his own chest, as if he’d forgotten there was anything there. He paused before speaking. “Over the summer,” he said at last. 

“Why?” Lucas asked, curious. He’d never really taken Eliott for a tattoo person, but he had to admit it did turn him on a little bit. 

Eliott dropped his eyes, biting his lip nervously. “Um, I’d just gotten out of a really bad depression. An episode, I guess, is what it was. It was one I didn’t think I’d get out of…” he trailed off, and Lucas understood what he was saying without saying. The pain that exploded from his heart was unmatched, but he said nothing, waiting for Eliott to continue. 

“But I did get out of it, mainly thanks to Idriss and Sofiane, and I got this as a reminder that life was worth it, I guess,” he finished, shrugging to the best of his ability, given his position propped up over Lucas. 

“I think it’s beautiful,” Lucas said earnestly, “I think you’re beautiful.”

He was, he was  _ so  _ beautiful. And instead of denying it, Eliott simply closed the space between them, pressing a gentle but deeply intentioned kiss to Lucas’ lips. It wasn’t like they hadn’t kissed in a long time or anything, but the kiss sent every ounce of dopamine in Lucas’ brain rushing into his body.

“I’m so in love with you, you have no idea,” Lucas said breathlessly as they broke apart, running his fingers through Eliott’s hair. He felt such a love for Eliott that he couldn’t even put it into words. “You’ve ruined me, you know. You’ve made all my expectations for love way too high. You can never leave me, I don’t know how I’d manage.” 

He said it like he was joking, but it was the truth. He’d found so much in Eliott that he didn’t even know existed, so much of himself and so much of the world. It was unthinkable that he’d ever lose it, but there was always that fear. 

“I could never,” Eliott said seriously, brushing their noses together, “The person I am when I’m not with you is someone I never want to be again. I told you once but I’ll continue to tell you a million times: you’re it for me Lucas Lallemant. In this universe and in all the others you’ve dreamed up in your mind. They haven’t created a word big enough to express how much I love you.”

Lucas stroked down Eliott’s cheekbone, willing himself to not go all in so fast. Somehow the words Eliott had spoken were real, and Lucas could tell how much he meant them. It seemed crazy that he could be so happy when just a few days ago his world had tipped entirely on its axis, but somehow, he could be. And he wasn’t going to waste a moment of that happiness. 

It was unclear which one of them dove back in for a kiss, or maybe they met halfway, but the only important thing was that they were kissing again. They were kissing, they were kissing, and Lucas was floating, was floating, and the light making its way through the window was working its way into Lucas’ heart and soul, heart and soul.

Lucas gripped Eliott tighter by the back of his neck, and Eliott pressed down further, connecting their bodies deeper and closer. Each kiss was like a song, one Lucas didn’t know the lyrics to yet, but he knew it would be one of his favorites once he did. 

“Hey, Luc— WHAT THE FUCK—”

Eliott and Lucas broke apart in the blink of an eye, Lucas shoving Eliott off of him and almost off the bed so fast neither of them were really able to register it. Lucas blinked at the door, doing his best to look innocent, and probably doing a terrible job. 

Yann stood in the doorway, mouth agape, eyebrows creased like he was trying to solve some sort of math equation that just didn’t add up. Lucas had sworn they’d locked the door to their suite… but no, he remembered, Eliott had gone out early in the morning to get them croissants from the bakery down the street to celebrate not getting kicked out. He probably hadn’t thought to lock the door when he got back, and Lucas had no reason to lock the door to his bedroom, or even close it for that matter. 

“I can explain,” Lucas said, filling the tense, silent space in the air. 

“You’d better,” Yann agreed incredulously, finally looking Lucas in the eye. 

Eliott looked a bit like he was trying to shrink himself in size or hide under the covers, maybe both, and it was so cute it took all of Lucas’ restraint to not reach over and kiss him. 

“Sooo…” he began, “I’m dating Eliott.”

Yann looked at him like  _ yeah, no shit _ , which, fair. “How long has this been a thing?”

“Um… since that one party,” Lucas responded vaguely, not exactly wanting to reveal how long it had actually been. Unluckily for him, Yann knew exactly when he was talking about, given that it was the last party all of them had been at together.

“The one Alexia invited us to.” It wasn’t a question, but Lucas nodded anyway. Yann closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose between his eyes with his thumb and index finger. “What the fuck,” he repeated, which was appropriate. 

“We just wanted to keep it a secret until the show was over, we didn’t want to cause any drama,” Lucas explained. He didn’t want Yann to feel bad or feel like Lucas thought he couldn’t trust him. He hadn’t even told Manon. Yes, Imane knew, but that was mostly because she happened to be there when he was having a mental breakdown.

Yann opened his eyes, dropping his hand. “Yet you did anyway,” he said with a frown. 

That was also, unfortunately, true. When he really thought about it, it was a wonder no one else had put the pieces together, given what he and Eliott had both gone through over the past couple of weeks. Lucas shrugged, looking down to realize that from Yann’s perspective it probably looked like he was naked. He cringed slightly to himself, then looked over at Eliott. 

“Can you, um, give us a minute?” Lucas asked softly, urgency in his eyes. Eliott thankfully understood right away and he nodded, plucking one of Lucas’ hoodies from the floor and throwing it on, even though it was a bit small. Thank god he was already wearing sweatpants. 

The terse silence stayed latent in the air as Eliott, head down, skirted his way around Yann and closed the door behind him. Lucas almost laughed to himself as he heard Eliott’s footsteps break into a soft jog when he left the room. 

“Can you—” Lucas began to ask, and Yann caught his drift, grabbing another discarded hoodie and tossing it to where Lucas was still partially hidden under the covers. He just had his boxers on, and he definitely did not need Yann to know that. 

Yann sat on the edge of the bed, weariness in his eyes. “He’s not… making you do anything, right?”

“Oh, god, Yann, no! Of course not!” Lucas exclaimed immediately, not even knowing why Yann’s mind went there in the first place. 

Yann raised his hands in surrender, widening his eyes. “I just had to make sure dude, I don’t know! You’re the one who’s been talking about how Eliott is the spawn of satan for like five years!”

“I don’t think I ever called him the spawn of satan,” Lucas argued back, which was probably the most unnecessary addition to the conversation. 

“You know what I mean.” Lucas did know what he meant. It just made him feel so guilty to think about these days, even when Eliott had reassured him time and time again that there was no hard feelings. They’d both gone through a lot over the years they’d been apart emotionally, and they couldn’t blame each other for the things that had been said and done when it mostly just led to blaming themselves. 

“We’ve… worked through it,” Lucas explained, figuring that was the best way to put it. 

“All of it?” Yann asked, and Lucas nodded. He knew why Yann was so concerned, and he really did appreciate it. Not many people cared for him like that. 

He couldn’t really look at Yann at the moment, so he laid back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. “He makes me feel so whole, Yann. I didn’t know I could ever feel like this.”

Yann settled down beside him in the spot Eliott just vacated, joining him in gazing at the ceiling. “I believe that’s what our ancestors called ‘love’.” 

Lucas nudged him gently, laughing to himself. “I’m aware of that, idiot. I’m so fucking in love.”

“Don’t punch me, but I honestly never thought I’d hear you say that,” Yann said, and Lucas finally turned to look at him. 

“Really?”

Yann nodded. “I guess I just didn’t know if you’d ever love yourself enough to let someone else love you, or to realize you deserve that love. I hoped, sure, but I knew that could only do so much. Then, with what you told us about your eating disorder… I’m so sorry, Lucas. I’ve seen you in pain for so long that I let myself get desensitized to it. I shouldn’t have, and I’m going to have to carry that for the rest of my life, but I still did it, and I’m so glad you found someone who saw every part of you and loved and cared for you in the way you deserve.”

An errant tear slipped down Lucas’ cheek as he turned to face Yann fully. Yann was still looking at the ceiling, but Lucas spoke anyway. “Don’t blame yourself for anything Yann. I didn’t want anyone to see that I was struggling, or to call me out on any of my bullshit. Eliott didn’t listen to my silent pleas for normalcy because he’s as stubborn as I am, but you can’t let yourself regret what happened in the past or blame yourself for it, trust me. It doesn’t do anyone any good, least of all yourself.”

“I’m still sorry,” Yann said, finally turning his head, “Please just let me be sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Lucas said, because it was what Yann needed to hear. Lucas didn’t think Yann needed to be forgiven for anything, but he offered up his forgiveness as a stepping stone to not send either of them too far into a regretful spiral. 

“He loves you too?” Yann asked seriously. 

Lucas smiled, thinking about the way Eliott looked at him like he was more beautiful than any star in the sky. “He does.”

“Jesus, you sappy little shit,” Yann groaned shaking his head. “‘He does’, with that fucking smile? Who are you and what have you done with Lucas Lallemant?”

He knew Yann was joking, but he thought about it. He was different, but it was a good different, a kind of different that made him want to soar, not sink. “I’m Lucas Lallemant 2.0, I think. The new and improved version. I like me better now, although I guess I didn’t really like myself at all before.”

“Well Lucas Lallemant 2.0, I’m your best friend Yann Cazas. Don’t go forgetting that again, ok? I’m with you no matter what. I’m the person you call when you need to hide a body, and you’re the same to me,” Yann said, raising his eyebrows.

“As if I could ever forget you,” Lucas said, half joking half serious. “And thanks, really.”

“Another no homo bro hug?” Yann offered, and Lucas didn’t even have time to respond verbally before Yann sat up and pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him. Lucas returned the gesture, resting his head on Yann’s shoulder.

When they pulled away Yann twitched his lips, looking to the side. “Speaking of no homo bro hugs—”

“Yann are you coming out to me?” Lucas interrupted, pretending to be scandalized. 

Yann rolled his eyes, shoving Lucas’ shoulder. “Shut  _ up _ . What I was going to say was, you need to talk to Arthur.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Lucas asked immediately, heart speeding up. Arthur  _ had _ been acting a bit oddly… Lucas really hoped nothing was wrong.

“Calm down, nothing’s wrong,” Yann continued, reading his mind, “I just think you guys should have an actual heart to heart.”

“You’re scaring me a bit Yann…”

“I swear!” Yann raised his arms again. “He just filled me in on the things going on in his life, and I figured you’d want to know too, but not from me.”

“Ok…” Lucas was still wary, he could sense Yann wasn’t telling him something, but he’d just have to accept it for now. He really should have a talk with Arthur anyway, even just to fill him in on everything going on in his life as well. “Ok,” he repeated, “I’ll talk to him this week.”

Yann nodded, then scooted off the bed. “Tell your lover he can stop hiding in his room now, but if he ever hurts you I will break his spine.”

“Noted,” Lucas said, smiling. Then, “By the way, how’s it going with Chloé?”

Yann laughed as if he couldn’t help himself. “Ha. That. Yeah, um, it’s not really ‘going’ so to speak anymore.”

Lucas lifted the water from his bedside table in mock salute. “I expected nothing less.”

“Shut up, Lallemant, you’re still on thin ice for not telling me you’ve been a part of some enemies to lovers fanfiction for weeks now.” Yann pointed at him, narrowing his eyes. 

“Enemies to lovers fan— Are you serious right now?” Lucas laughed, doubling over. 

Yann simply turned towards the door, calling over his shoulder. “You don’t know what I do in my free time. Although, come to think of it, which one of you would be Harry and which one would be Draco?”

“Yann!”

“Ok, ok, leaving for real now. Let me know when you decide, though, this is important data,” Yann yelled, making his way through their living room and out the door. Lucas flopped back down shaking his head fondly. Harry and Draco… Yann was something else, he really was. 

Lucas was so out of it he didn’t even register when Eliott walked back into the room until he said, “Well, obviously, I’m Harry.”

“What? Are you kidding?” Lucas scoffed as Eliott settled back down beside him. “How am I Draco?”

Eliott shrugged. “You were the mean one.”

Lucas rolled his eyes. Fine, if that was how they were going to play it. “You were the one who pined from afar for  _ years _ .”

“They both did that,” Eliott argued.

“Well you— and Draco— were the ones  _ aware _ that they were pining.”

And so they went on like this, debating back and forth, hands twisting together idly, legs brushing not so accidentally, hearts filled to the brim with adoration, as was normal these days. It was a peaceful morning that led into a peaceful afternoon that led into a peaceful night and it was wonderful. Every minute of it. 

 

**Dimanche 19:07**

Lucas was fully drained, mentally and emotionally. He’d spent the last seven hours with a clinical psychologist, working through what was going on and getting properly diagnosed, and now he was even more exhausted than after a full day of rehearsals. It had taken a while for him to feel comfortable, but once he began to open up, the words wouldn’t stop flowing and flowing until he’d practically told his entire life story. It was a lot, and all he wanted right now were cuddles from Eliott. 

The moment he opened the door, he was greeted by Eliott’s grinning face standing behind the counter chopping something up. “Hey, Lu. I’m making dinner.”

Lucas appreciated that he didn’t ask how the session had gone. Lucas would tell him, but he needed a moment to process things on his own first. He made his way over to the counter, sitting at one of the stools and peeking at what Eliott was doing. “What are you making?”

Eliott’s face flushed bright red. “It’s a surprise?”

“A surprise?”

Eliott beckoned Lucas closer with his hand, waiting to speak until they were inches apart. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” Eliott whispered.

“Do you want help?” Lucas whispered back, stifling a giggle. 

“No,” Eliott scoffed in mock indignation, pulling away. “Who knows, maybe this will be the best meal we’ve ever eaten. Maybe I’ll become a world famous chef, the new Remy.”

“Remy?” Lucas clarified.

“Yeah, the rat from Ratatouille.”

Lucas laughed. “Oh, I just thought his name was Ratatouille.”

This apparently, was the wrong thing to say, because Eliott dropped everything he was doing and stared at Lucas, mouth agape. Once he regained his composure, he sighed. “We have to break up.”

Lucas choked on a laugh, taken aback. “Excuse me?”

“You don’t respect the cinematic excellence that is Ratatouille enough to even remember the main character’s name. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.” He shooed Lucas with his hands, turning away dramatically. “Begone, thot!”

And, well, Lucas had never expected to hear those words from Eliott, so he did what any sensible person would do. He laughed so hard he quite literally fell from his chair. 

“Shit!” he exclaimed, catching himself before he could really embarrass himself. Eliott ran to the opposite side of the counter, alarm in his eyes. 

“Oh my god are you ok? I’m so so sorry, Lu, I’m so— are you laughing?” Eliott rambled upon seeing Lucas shaking on the ground. Lucas lifted his head and revealed not tears of pain, but tears of laughter. Eliott sank down onto the floor beside him, dropping his face into his hands, but his smile was unmistakable. 

“Begone— thot—” Lucas gasped between laughs, wiping his eyes. 

Eliott finally surrendered to his own laughter, shaking his head. “I don’t even know where that came from.”

It took a few more minutes for Lucas to finally catch his breath, but once he did, he clasped one of Eliott’s hands between both of his. “Thank you,” he said, radiating with warmth.

“I called you a thot,” Eliott reiterated.

Lucas nudged him with his shoulder. “That’s not what I’m talking about, dummy. Thank you for being you, for making me laugh after the day I just had.”

“Are we talking about it?” Eliott asked, and Lucas wondered the same thing himself. He kind of just wanted to get it all off his chest, even if a small part of him was screaming to hold it all in until he exploded. 

Lucas settled on a nod, leaning back against the counter and pulling his knees up to his chest. Eliott did the same, the two of them sitting side by side and not looking at each other. It was easier saying these things when he didn’t have to look for every single reaction in Eliott’s expressive eyes. 

“So, I guess I officially have an eating disorder,” Lucas began. He felt his heart start to beat a tad more rapidly and took a few deep breaths to steady himself. Eliott didn’t say anything, just listened, still holding his hand. 

“Anorexia nervosa, technically,” he continued, biting his lip. “I, um, also apparently have generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and deeply rooted emotional and physical trauma which manifests itself as PTSD. And abandonment issues. I’m quite the catch, I know.”

Eliott squeezed his hand. “Hey. None of that makes you less of a person, ok? Now that you know what to call it, you’ll have a better time learning how to push through it in a healthy way, right?”

“Yeah,” Lucas said in a small voice, focusing on a loose thread on his pants. 

“Do you have to take any medications?” Eliott asked conversationally, as if they were talking about the weather. 

Lucas nodded again. “They think that would be best, particularly for the OCD, mostly because I can’t go to therapy as often as they’d like given rehearsal schedules.”

“Hey that’s great!” Eliott exclaimed, and Lucas finally looked at him, confusion creasing his brows. “I have to take medication too, for, you know… now we can take them together or something. Help each other out. Obviously it won’t be easy for either of us, but I’m willing to try if you are.”

“That would be nice,” Lucas said, resting his head on Eliott’s shoulder. It most definitely would not be all rainbows and butterflies, and may be a source of argument from time to time, but Lucas thought it was what both of them needed at the moment to help them adjust to the changes in their lives. 

“Minute by minute, baby,” Eliott said, leaning his head on top of Lucas’. 

“Please don’t call me baby,” Lucas said, scrunching up his face even though he knew Eliott couldn’t see it. Had he told Eliott about his dislike of pet names yet or was this going to have to be a new conversation?

“Whatever you say, baby.”

“Eliott I swear—” 

But he didn’t finish, and Eliott didn’t have time to answer, because a loud beeping noise interrupted both of their trains of thought. Their heads shot up, then their bodies when they realized the beeping was the smoke detector. 

“You were making food,” Lucas remembered and Eliott nodded solemnly. 

“I was making food.”

“Shit.”

They both went to work, waving away the smoke and turning off the stove, putting whatever Eliott’s concoction had been into the sink. Eliott was jumping up and down waving a dish towel to dissipate the smoke, and the sight was enough for Lucas’ panic to leave him and for laughter to take over once again. Eliott glared at him like  _ Is now really the time? _ , but the corner of his mouth twitched nonetheless. 

Lucas heard voices outside their door and looked through the peephole to see people walking past, muttering in confusion. “Shit,” he repeated, “I think we’re supposed to evacuate.”

“Even if we’re the source of the problem?” Eliott asked, still waving his dish towel.

_ “Especially _ if we’re the source of the problem, I think,” Lucas replied, reaching for the hoodie he’d strewn across the couch earlier. Actually, it was Eliott’s hoodie, but Lucas claimed it, so now it was his (at least until it stopped smelling like Eliott).

Eliott reluctantly put down the towel and followed Lucas out of the room, leaving the door ajar so the smoke had more room to escape. They found themselves caught in the throng of ballet students and grabbed each other’s hands instinctively, not remembering that what they had was supposed to be a secret. It didn’t matter anyway, no one was paying attention to them. 

At least, they weren’t until Lucas and Eliott caught each other’s eyes over some of the younger student’s heads. Their lips wobbled, and Lucas bit the inside of his cheek, but it was useless. They broke back down into laughter, because  _ of course _ they’d almost started a fire while they were having a deep and important conversation. And  _ of course _ they’d had a deep and important conversation right after Eliott had called him a thot.      

Once outside, Eliott and Lucas were still nearly pissing themselves laughing, not paying the slightest bit of attention to anyone or anything around them. They couldn’t stop, and everyone was looking at them like they were insane, though that could have partly been because it was Eliott and Lucas laughing together. No one had seen  _ that _ since they were ten years old. 

“What the fuck is going on here?” Emma asked, catching their attention. Right, other people existed. 

“We may have set off the fire alarm,” Eliott explained biting his lip to try to stop his laughter. Lucas wasn’t quite there yet.

“We?” Daphné cut in, looking between the two of them utterly confused. Lucas caught Imane’s eye as he regained his composure, the knowing look, and he tried not to draw attention to it. 

Sofiane caught the look though, probably because he was always looking at Imane, and his jaw dropped. “Wait a minute.”

Eliott looked at Sofiane in confusion, not having caught the exchange that had just gone down. Sofiane closed his mouth, then opened it, then closed it again. “Am I dreaming?” he asked finally.

“No,” Imane said, and Lucas glared at her. 

He nearly groaned aloud when Manon came over to join all of them, along with Arthur, Ingrid, and Chloé. “What’s going on?” she asked warily, looking at Daphné for some sort of explanation. Daphné merely shrugged, eyes wide as she tried to figure out what was going on.

Ingrid looked at Manon and Daphné, then up at Lucas and Eliott. “They’re fucking,” she said simply, and practically every single person within earshot went wild. 

“Funny joke—”

“Woah…”

“I knew it.”

“Lucas and Eliott? Never.”

“ _ Finally _ .”

Lucas looked from person to person, mouth agape. Eliott looked a bit uncomfortable, kind of like he wanted to disappear, and Lucas went into defense mode. He glared at Ingrid, folding his arms across one another. “Really?”

She shrugged. “What? I share a wall with  _ one  _ of you, and you’re loud as fuck.”

Lucas didn’t think they were  _ that _ loud, and besides, they’d only ‘fucked’ the way she was insinuating for the first time after their dance in the theatre. Sure, they’d probably done a few other… loud… activities, but it wasn’t like it was every night. 

“That doesn’t mean it was Lucas and Eliott, though,” Daphné said, “It could have been one of them with someone else.”

“Well that would be super awkward, considering the two people in question were moaning the names ‘Eliott’ and ‘Lucas’,” Ingrid said matter of factly, and Lucas decided right then that he was going to kill her. 

“But they hate each other,” Daphné said, looking to Manon for assistance. She wasn’t paying attention though, too focused on Lucas, on trying to read his face. He saw the moment she read all she needed to and was forced to accept the reality that Ingrid was telling the truth. Her jaw didn’t drop quite as Sofiane’s had, but it was enough that Daphné and Emma both gasped. 

Yann winked at Lucas across the group of people, which was entirely unhelpful, but he supposed he had gotten himself into this situation in the first place. “We’re not  _ fucking _ ,” Lucas said adamantly. 

Eliott met his eyes, raising his eyebrows in an equally unhelpful fashion, and Lucas sighed. “We’re not  _ just _ fucking,” he amended, covering his face with his hands to avoid eye contact with anyone and everyone. He felt an arm slip around his shoulders and knew it was Eliott’s without having to look.

“We’re dating,” Eliott said simply, and if everyone’s reactions had been wild before, they were nothing compared to what they were now.

Manon’s face told him that she was going to chew him out for not telling her later, but also that she was happy for him if he was happy, and he appreciated it. He did feel bad for not telling her for so long. 

Just as their friends began to ask questions, the director emerged, yelling to all the students. “This was a false fire alarm, you can all go back inside and about your business, we’ll have someone come in tomorrow morning to look into any faulty wires that could have tripped the alarm accidentally. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

His face said otherwise, but then again, he always looked like he’d just stepped in shit. At least no one had found out that Lucas and Eliott were the source of this trouble, especially given all the other trouble they’d caused recently. 

Before their friends could even think to ask more questions or even focus their attention back on Eliott and Lucas, Eliott grabbed Lucas’ hand and took off with him back into the building, laughing all the while. 

The charred remains of their dinner still sat in the sink, so they grabbed leftovers from the fridge before locking their door— and triple checking that it was actually locked— and resuming their positions leaned up against the counter on the floor. 

They could explain everything in the morning.

 

**Lundi 12:12**

Surprisingly, most people had come to terms with Eliott and Lucas being a thing by the time classes started that morning. Maybe more of them had seen it coming than they were willing to admit, or maybe they were just waiting to ambush them until after class. Whatever the case, it gave Lucas opportunity to pull Arthur aside at the beginning of class to ask if he wanted to have lunch, just the two of them. He’d agreed, and now Lucas sat waiting at the cafe down the street, frowning at the time. Arthur wasn’t going to bail on him, was he?

But no, almost fifteen minutes past noon, Arthur strolled in, casual smile on his face. Lucas could tell it was forced, but he didn’t comment on it. He knew Arthur had been going through a lot lately. 

“Hey Lulu,” Arthur said as he sat down, and Lucas found himself grinning at the nickname. Arthur was really the only person he ever let get away with calling him that. “What did you, um, want to talk about?” Arthur added, almost nervously. 

Lucas didn’t really have an answer, because technically Yann was the one who told him to talk to Arthur. “I just wanted to check in, I guess. Make sure everything’s alright with you.”

“Oh.” The tension in Arthur’s shoulders deflated. “This is about what I told you and Yann last week?”

Lucas shrugged. “Kind of, I guess. We don’t have to talk about it, but I’m here if you want to.”

Arthur seemed to weigh this, folding his hands and unfolding them so many times it almost made Lucas dizzy. It was odd, Arthur was never usually nervous like this, especially not around Lucas. “Well. I’m getting emancipated, obviously. I don’t think you’ve ever met my mom but she’s— she’s something. It was never really about her, but she never did anything, either, so I guess it was about her, in a way.”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t understand,” Lucas said apologetically. He knew Arthur liked to speak vaguely, didn’t like to get too personal, but if they were having this conversation, Lucas needed to be able to follow it. 

“Right. Sorry. Um, you know my mom was a ballerina, famous and whatever, that’s why I started ballet. When I was five she hired this special instructor, apparently she was really well known in the ballet world, I don’t know, I was five, but she also… got a little too  _ involved  _ in our rehearsals. I didn’t really even know what was happening, I was too young, so I didn’t say anything. I thought that’s what ballet teachers did. But then I got older, and she stayed under my mother’s employ, and I started to realize the things we did, that she was doing with me, they weren’t, like, normal, or right. That’s when I told my mom about it, but she didn’t believe me. She said I just wanted an excuse to slack off rehearsing. That was when I was twelve, and she was my mom, so I accepted her word and continued doing what I’d been doing my whole life.

“Then when I was fourteen it got… different. My instructor, she— let’s just say some things changed for the worse. At that point I couldn’t blow it off or pretend it wasn’t happening anymore. I hated her, I hated my mom, I hated myself most of all, so I stopped giving a shit. I blew off rehearsals all the time, a habit that I kept up here at school, even though this place was heaven compared to being at home, I started smoking weed a lot, I hooked up with a lot of people I probably shouldn’t have. People who thought I was older than I was, who were much older themselves, because I guess a masochistic part of me was used to it. Eliott, actually, was the only one who noticed. It’s no one’s fault for not noticing what I didn’t want them to notice, but when Eliott  _ did _ notice, I finally let myself break.” 

Arthur shut his eyes and clenched his fists on the table. Lucas realized he’d simply been staring open mouthed and schooled his expression into something more neutral. He and Arthur were more alike than they’d realized, apparently, and Eliott continued to be one of the greatest humans to ever grace the earth. 

When Arthur opened his eyes, Lucas pretended not to notice the tears he was blinking away. “Obviously,” he continued, “Some old habits die hard. I still do things I shouldn't. I go out until dawn when I know I have rehearsals at eight, I don’t apply myself in class like I know I can because I don’t want personalized attention, I have unhealthy habits when it comes to relationships, but I tried to start over in little ways. I filed for emancipation at the beginning of last school year with Elliot’s help and I stayed with Alexia last summer, so that’s why we’re closer than we used to be. She was another lifesaver. No one of any importance believed me when I told them about what my instructor did, but at least they believed me when I told them that my mother was emotionally abusive and incredibly manipulative, and she put me into dangerous situations without care or conscience. She still tries to contact me sometimes, and I really don’t want to have to get a restraining order, but I found out that she and my old instructor apparently have been in a relationship for quite a few years and they never told me about it. I don’t even have the words to say how fucked up that is.”

“Fuck, Arthur, I’m so sorry,” Lucas said, unable to keep it in any longer. He wasn’t sure if Arthur was done or not, but he’d paused, and Lucas had used that as an opening. 

Arthur just shrugged noncommittally. “You have nothing to be sorry for. That's life.”

“No one deserves that kind of a life,” Lucas said, because that was what he’d learned recently himself. 

“I could say the same to you,” Arthur responded, and Lucas smiled sadly. 

“I know, that’s why I’m telling you.” Arthur said nothing to that, just continued to look down at his hands. “Um, would it be ok if I gave you a hug?” Lucas asked, because in his opinion hugs made everything better. 

Arthur’s head shot up and he shook his head fervently. “No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

Ouch, but ok. Maybe this was about Eliott? They hadn’t talked about that yet, just the two of them, maybe Arthur thought Eliott was the super jealous type or something. “Eliott won’t mind if I give one of my best friends a hug,” Lucas said slowly, and Arthur flushed bright red.

“That’s not what I meant, um, I just actually have something else I need to talk about with you.” Arthur’s hands were fidgeting again. “I… um, simply put, I think I’m in love with you?”

Lucas blinked, certain he’d misheard. There was no way… he and Arthur had always had this intimate dynamic together, but it was always platonic. That was his understanding of it at least. 

“What?” he asked intelligently. 

Arthur rubbed his eyes under his glasses, sighing deeply. “I’m kind of in love with you which is why I’ve kind of been avoiding you lately.”

“How long?” What the fuck else was he supposed to ask? To say? It was strange to think that if he and Eliott hadn’t gotten over their shit he might be with Arthur right now. 

Arthur shrugged. “Around the time we went to that party Alexia invited us to. We were talking about getting married, and I was drunk, and I just had a fleeting feeling of wanting to kiss you. Then I realized the feeling wasn’t fleeting, and then I panicked.”

“Did you know I was with Eliott?”

“No.” Arthur shook his head. “I was as surprised as everyone else last night.”

“Then why didn’t you ever say anything? Why say something now?” Lucas asked, genuinely. 

Arthur smirked, but there was no humor to it. “Because I can handle you rejecting me if you’re in love with someone else, but I don’t think I could have handled you rejecting me because you simply didn’t feel the same way.”

“I’m sorry,” Lucas said, because he didn’t want Arthur to feel like shit because Lucas didn’t love him like that. 

Arthur looked away. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault, we don’t choose who we fall in love with. I’ll get over it, trust me. In the meantime I understand if you don’t want to be around me or whatever.”

Lucas scoffed, bringing Arthur’s gaze back to his. “Are you serious? Do you really think I would ever not want to be around you? Sure, I’m not  _ in _ love with you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you with all my heart. You’re one of my favorite people in the entire world.”

“Lucas you don’t have to say that—”

“I know,” Lucas cut him off, “I want to. Because I mean it.”

Arthur began to grin, then. It was small, it was slow, but it was there. “We should probably get out of here, classes start up soon.”

Lucas checked his phone for the time and realized Arthur was right. It felt like no time had passed at all, he’d been too wrapped up in their conversation. Lucas looked at Arthur as they made their way to the door, mulling over a question.

“So what about me, specifically, turns you on?” Lucas asked jokingly as the two of them walked out of the cafe together. 

“Shut the fuck up Lallemant, I swear,” Arthur warned, but he was finally laughing. 

“My striking looks? My dazzling personality?” 

Arthur rolled his eyes, walking a few steps ahead of Lucas. “Your ass,” he said, breaking into a jog before Lucas could register his words. Lucas stood dumbstruck for a moment, then came back into himself.

“Wait a minute, my— Arthur get back here! Were you serious? Arthur!”

 

**Mardi 20:43**

For the first time in a long time, Eliott and Lucas were working on Polaris together. Well, more accurately, Eliott was working on Polaris and Lucas was trying to distract him by playing rap songs on the piano.

“Duuude,” Eliott whined, “I can’t focus!”

“Did you just call me dude?” Lucas clarified with a laugh. “Dude-zoned by my own boyfriend. I can’t believe it.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Make me.”

That was all it took for Eliott to drop his focus completely, on top of Lucas so quickly they nearly both fell off the piano bench for what wouldn’t be the first time. Eliott’s lips seared onto his, and Lucas tried and failed to hold back a moan as Eliott teased him, pulling away just enough that Lucas was struck by his absence. Eliott smiled at him, pulling him closer by the waist and sliding him across the bench so he ended up nearly on top of Eliott. 

Lucas’ hands snaked around Eliott’s shoulders, a safe space (though Lucas would argue that everything about Eliott made him feel safe), a place for him to lose himself completely. Maybe it would have been frustrating that Eliott smiled into every kiss they shared causing their teeth to clang together if it wasn’t so endearing. 

Eliott almost always had his hands on Lucas’ face when they kissed, like holding Lucas was the most important thing in the world. Lucas liked it, he liked it a lot. The security it brought and the way the heat of Eliott’s hands matched the heat on his face were a deadly combination, and Lucas reveled in it. 

Nothing compared to the taste of Eliott, though. Granted, Lucas hadn’t kissed many people in his life, but Eliott’s taste was better than all of them combined, and then some. Sometimes Lucas wondered how he compared to Lucille, in Eliott’s eyes, but he would never ask. It didn’t matter if Eliott had loved Lucille’s taste as much as he loved Eliott’s, it was the two of them until the end of time now and no one would ever get in the way of it. 

Through a series of events Lucas had little to no recollection of, too caught up in the heat of the moment, of Eliott, they ended up on the floor, heads aligned and their bodies pointing in opposite directions, gazing up at the fluorescent studio lights. Lucas was still breathing a bit heavily, unable to wipe the soft smile from his face. It was a comfortable silence, the kind that you can only share with a person you love deeply.   

“You know, we never had our Elu Two-Man Swan Lake World Tour,” Eliott said, breaking that silence and turning his head to face Lucas. 

“Shit, that’s right,” Lucas said, as if he’d ever forgotten about it. A stupid part of him had always hoped they’d be able to get over themselves by the time they were seventeen and make good on their childhood plans. Another thought occurred to him. “Oh, fuck you, you get to be Siegfried again.” 

“You wanted to do the fouettes!” Eliott reminded him, and Lucas turned his head to face him as well.

“I’ve always wanted to dance with a Prince,” he conceded with a small shrug. In truth, he thought it might be a bit entertaining to play Odette in their mini reproduction of the show, mostly because he and Eliott would have to do a series of lifts and partnering that would probably have been impossible, roles reversed. Not that Lucas would ever admit that to Eliott. 

“Saturday?” Eliott suggested. “We could invite our friends, now that none of this is a secret. Are they our friends now, or do your friends still have to pretend to hate me?”

Lucas cracked a smile, leaning over to shut Eliott up with a small peck on the lips. “Shut up.”

“Make me.”

_ Well _ , Lucas thought,  _ challenge accepted. _

 

**Jeudi 18:45**

Lucas and Eliott had just finished dinner when Manon texted and left Lucas in a state of utter confusion.

**Manon:** Lucas Lallemant if you don’t get your ass over to room 412 in two minutes I’ll never speak to you again

**Lucas:** ??? what the fuck ???

**Manon:** 120, 119, 118, 117, 116, 115…

**Lucas:** Yeesh I’m coming chill out bro

**Manon:** 114, 113, 112, 111, 110… 

He shut his phone off before her countdown could fall any lower and begrudgingly removed himself from where he’d been tucked into Eliott’s side. Eliott whined and reached for him as he stood up, but Lucas just sighed and shook his head.

“I have to go to Manon’s room, for some reason,” he said, pouting.

“Do you want me to come with?” Eliott asked, but Lucas shook his head.

“No, she’s probably asking me to come because she’s mad I didn’t tell her about us,” he reasoned, leaning back over to run a hand through Eliott’s hair. Why was it always so soft, who allowed that? 

Eliott hummed, leaning into his touch. “Don’t be gone too long, I miss you already.”

“Yeah, yeah, you big old sap,” Lucas teased, but his parting kiss said,  _ I miss you too _ . 

When Lucas knocked on Manon’s door she opened it with a stern expression. “You’re seventeen seconds late,” she said without preamble.

“Sorry?”

“Just come in,” she said, pulling him by the hand and shutting the door behind her.

Lucas shrank at the look in her eyes, wondering how much shit he’d have to hear about keeping his relationship a secret. She smacked him lightly on the shoulder, which was expected, and frowned. “You already know what I’m going to say.”

“I do,” he agreed, sitting on the couch. He didn’t know where Imane and Daphné were, maybe they were just hiding away in their rooms. 

She sat beside him, raising her eyebrows for him to continue. “I’m sorry?” he tried, and she rolled her eyes.

He threw his hands up in exasperation. “I don’t know what to say! I  _ am _ sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, we just didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Well, why not?” she asked, and he scoffed, because he was pretty sure she’d been doing the same thing.

“For the same reason I’m the only one who knows about you and Daphné,” he countered. 

She furrowed her brows. “Everyone knows about Daphné and me.”

“What? Since when?”

“Well,” she thought about it, “Imane knows because she lives with us, I told Emma the day after I told you because I didn’t want her to feel like I didn’t trust her enough to tell her.” She paused to give him a pointed look. “Then we told everyone else two Saturdays ago, at the terminale brunch.”

The terminale brunch? Oh.  _ Oh _ . That had been when he and Eliott had been at Eliott’s house. Now it made more sense as to why there was so much drama surrounding the absence. If they hadn’t had an event that morning, no one would have even known Lucas was gone, probably. 

“I wasn’t at the terminale brunch,” he reminded her and she blinked, as if just realizing this. 

“Oh, yeah.”

“ _ Oh, yeah _ ,” he repeated, and she shoved him. 

Her face grew suspicious. “Where were you? You haven’t really told me anything in a long time, Lu.”

He felt guilty as he realized she was right. They hadn’t talked about anything serious since she’d told him about her and Daphné, and he certainly hadn’t volunteered up any information about his own struggle. Everyone knew that he and Eliott were splitting shows, but no one other than them knew why. Manon probably didn’t even know he’d almost been kicked out, he realized with a jolt. 

So, he started talking, spilling everything that had happened since the beginning of the year that he’d kept her in the dark about. He tried not to look at her face while he spoke, not wanting to see any of the disappointment or pity that was surely etched there. After a while, she took his hand, but he didn’t stop talking, even when his voice wobbled and he tried to blink tears from his eyes.

It wasn’t all bad, though. Lucas heard her laugh when he told her about his first kiss with Eliott, and he couldn’t help but smile as well. He’d almost slipped up and revealed that he and Eliott had been hiding in a closet when she and Daphné had  _ their _ first kiss, but he figured he could save that story for years down the road. 

“That’s all, I suppose,” he finished, just after he told her about the Elu Two-Man Swan Lake World Tour. He was still too nervous to look her in the eyes, but it turned out he didn’t have to. She simply grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into her, engulfing him in what might have been the world's tightest hug. 

“Don’t ever go through something like that again without telling me,” she whispered, pressing her cheek to his shoulder. 

He squeezed her even more tightly in response. “Yann said practically the same thing.”

“Good.” She pulled away, looking him in the eyes. “We’ll form a Lucas Lallemant defense brigade.”

“That’s entirely unnecessary.”

“You don’t get a say in this.”

“Mmmm… pretty sure I do—” 

He was cut off by the door opening, and he and Manon both turned to see who it was. Lucas smiled as Imane walked in, eyes narrowed. “What’s going on here?” she asked, setting down her dance bag. 

“We’re starting a Lucas Lallemant defense brigade,” Manon explained, and Lucas glared at her. 

“We are  _ not _ doing that,” he attempted to interject, but Imane wasn’t listening. 

She sat down on the couch on the other side of Lucas. “Oh, thank god we’re making it official. I was all alone before.”

Manon raised her eyebrows. “Excuse me, but I’ve been manning the helm of the S.S. Lallemant longer than you.”

“Ladies, ladies, no need to fight over me,” Lucas said, mostly to get them off the topic of a Lucas Lallemant defense brigade. “Besides,” he continued, “Yann has both of you beat.”

Manon and Imane exchanged a glance, shrugging. “That’s fair,” Manon conceded, leaning her head back on his shoulder. Lucas and Manon both looked at Imane, beckoning her to join their cuddle. 

“You know you want to,” Lucas said, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“Whatever would Eliott say?” Imane asked with a fake gasp. 

Lucas grinned. “He’d just be jealous we had a group hug without him.”

Imane rolled her eyes, but she put her head on Lucas’ other shoulder. “I don’t think I’ll ever be used to you talking about him like you don’t want to set him on fire.”

“I never wanted to set Eliott on  _ fire _ .” First Yann, now Imane. When had he ever said anything like that? He was fairly confident his hatred had remained subtle. Even if perhaps he  _ did _ say anything of the sort, it’s not like he ever actually would have set Eliott on fire for christ’s sake. Eliott was a bit like fire himself, could a bit intimidating from afar but gets warmer and warmer the closer you get to him. He was also a radiant light shining in any kind of darkness. 

“You should be used to it by  _ now, _ ” Lucas continued, drawing back from his own thoughts.

“It’s been less than a week, I’m nowhere near used to it yet either,” Manon laughed, and Lucas turned sharply, meeting Imane’s eyes. 

She frowned, not seeing what he was trying to communicate. “Maybe for you…”

“Wait a minute.” Manon sat up. “Did you tell her before you told me?”

Lucas glared at Imane as she finally realized what he’d been trying to convey with his eyes. “In my defense I was having a panic attack,” he added, hoping Manon wouldn’t be too mad. 

“Shush,” she cut him off, narrowing her eyes at Imane. Imane just stared back, which was one of the many things he loved about her. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Manon burst out laughing. 

“What the fuck!” she gasped through her laughter. 

“What the fuck?” Lucas mouthed to Imane, who just shrugged. 

“I told Imane before you too,” Manon said at last, her giggles subsiding. “I just didn’t tell you that because I felt bad.”

Lucas gasped. “Et tu brute?” 

“That doesn’t work in this context, no one else betrayed you,” Manon pointed out, “Not that either of us betrayed each other, I guess.” She sighed, resigned. “Looks like Imane  _ is _ the leader of the LLDB then.”

“LLDB?”

“Lucas Lallemant Defense Brigade,” Imane filled in and Lucas groaned, leaning back onto the couch further. 

“Forget I said anything!” 

The two of them fell back with him, attacking him with more hugs. He felt so light, and he honestly hadn’t known it was possible to feel this light. As good as he felt with Eliott, there had been something missing, and it was honest and open communication with his best friends. Now that he and Yann, Arthur, Manon, and Imane were on the same page about everything, the colors in the world seemed much more saturated.

As the three of them sat there in one big pile Manon brushed a hand through his hair smiling up at him. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but you really look happy now, Lu, the kind of happy that comes from so deep inside that you can’t stop it.”

It was true. Eliott was the poetic one, he could have spun the feeling into a beautiful metaphor or a life changing quote, but Lucas preferred to keep it simple. He wasn’t healed, but he was healing, and he was happy.  

 

**Samedi 18:58**

Their friends were absolutely ridiculous. Lucas had accidentally slipped and revealed his childhood plans turned reality to Manon the night before and she had, in turn, spilled them to everyone in their year. So now, their two man show was an actual show, and not an excuse for them to escape and make out for inordinate amounts of time. And now their whole year was in the audience with signs and cheers and cake for some reason.

“I don’t know all of Odette’s parts, what was I thinking?” Lucas was not so silently freaking out in the wings of their in house auditorium while Eliott watched him with amusement. Lucas stuck his tongue out at Eliott. “You’re not helping!”

“Did you just stick your tongue out at me?” Eliott asked, failing to conceal a laugh.

Lucas simply made a noise that resembled that of a dying cat. Eliott’s smile grew smaller as he walked over to Lucas, cupping his face in his hands. Lucas sank into the embrace immediately, placing his own hands over Eliott’s wrists. 

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Eliott said softly, melodically. “I’m perfectly fine with hiding in our room for the rest of the night. I would offer to make food, but we can just order something, I don’t want to burn the building down.”

Lucas took a deep breath and shook his head. “No. I want to do this, I just… it’s hard to let go of being perfect, even if we’re literally just making a mockery of Swan Lake.”

“Who said anything about making a mockery of it? I intend to be the most dazzling Prince you’ve ever seen!” Eliott said, grin encompassing his whole face. 

“Eli, I’m serious. I know you’ll be amazing at whatever you do, but it’s hard for me to just… let go. This isn’t a role I’ve trained for, we’ve never actually partnered seriously together, and even though it’s just our friends out there, what if they don’t like it?” Voicing his insecurities was a new thing for him, but he was trying. 

“Lu.” Lucas closed his eyes as Eliott leaned all the way in, connecting them further, everywhere but their lips. “You trust me, right?”

Lucas nodded, eyes still shut. He could hear Eliott’s comforting smile. “Good, because I promise you, we’ll both be so perfectly imperfect that it won’t even matter if we get any moves wrong. It’s you and me, now and forever. We may look like idiots, but who cares? What’s love without being idiots together? Besides, when else are we going to get to do this? This might be the last time we get to dance for fun, no expectations attached. Do you really want to miss out on that?”

Lucas didn’t. He wanted, more than anything, to dance for himself. He opened his eyes. “Ok. I’m ready.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Then let’s do this.”

Eliott separated them from one another, but not before stealing a kiss. Lucas’ face flushed with the feeling it brought as Eliott grabbed his hand and led him onto the stage.

The stage lights were so bright he could barely see his friends out in the crowd, but he could hear them, whooping and yelling and whistling. Against his wishes, it brought a smile to his face, and when the music started, he just let go.

 

***

 

Was he supposed to laugh through the entire performance of Swan Lake? Probably not, but he also wasn’t supposed to play the role of Odette, if that’s even what he was doing. And he also most definitely wasn’t supposed to pause after every partnering interaction to give his boyfriend a kiss, but he preferred this version of the show to the original. 

Eliott had shouted out from the wings as Lucas did his thirty-two fouettes, executed to near perfection. He almost wished the director was in there just so he could rub his talent in his face. The finale came too soon, but with it came cheers from everyone in their year, and laughs as Eliott invited them all on stage and played a trap remix of the Swan Lake melody. 

Yann came over and spun Lucas with one hand, Arthur with the other, Lucas and Arthur catching each other’s eyes with a knowing glint. Lucas winked, and Arthur rolled his eyes, but he smiled, and they embraced one another, laughing hard enough they couldn’t feel anything but joy.

“No homo,” Arthur whispered into his ear, and Lucas hugged him tighter, loving Arthur more than he could put into words. 

Sofiane and Eliott were laughing with one another, Imane standing just out of the way, smiling as she gazed at them. Well, Sofiane, mostly. Lucas would be sure to give her shit for it later. 

Daphné snaked behind him, pressing something into his hand and before disappearing with the raise of one eyebrow. He looked down and saw a can of blue silly string, something that immediately transported him back to being seven years old, running around Eliott’s backyard and spraying each other with wild glee. 

Eliott’s eyes found him through the throng of people and they smiled, sharing this memory from across the room. Eliott shook his own can in challenge, and Lucas grinned wider, shaking his own can before releasing a long stream in Eliott’s direction. 

Shrieks sounded from all over as everyone began spraying each other, using each other as shields, dancing as the silly string fell down onto them. So many colors mixed in the air and on the stage and everyone kept adding more and more until there was an entire rainbow surrounding everyone from all sides. 

Lucas lost sight of Eliott and was about to go looking for him when yellow shot through his vision. He scoffed in outrage and turned to see Eliott grinning mischievously and holding his can in triumph. Well, that just wouldn’t do. 

Lucas sprayed him back, running and following him around the stage, each of them nearly slipping and falling on the string spread about the stage. Eliott turned around at the last second, probably hoping for a surprise attack, and they both sprayed each other at the same time, yellow and blue meeting in the middle like either end of an eternal flame. 

He probably looked like a disaster, he could feel all the silly string coating his body, his face, his hair, but Eliott didn’t seem to care. Eliott looked at him like Lucas was all he’d ever wanted. It was still surreal, to be looked at that way, but it was a look he loved, one that he hoped he reciprocated every time he looked Eliott’s way. 

Lucas stepped closer to him slowly, and placed a hand on his cheek, silly string falling from his hair as Eliott leaned into his hand. 

“I like yellow on you,” Eliott said, gesturing to where he’d sprayed his string all over Lucas.

“Thanks,” Lucas said, “But I think it suits you better than me.”

Eliott pulled back from Lucas’ hand, cocking his head. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because, Eliott Demaury,” Lucas said, pulling Eliott’s face to his, lifting up on relevé to make their heights more level. “You are the sun in its purest form.”

Eliott’s answering smile just before he pulled Lucas into the world’s most colorful kiss proved just that. Eliott was a light that would never go out. They both were. 

And they were happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if silly string is a thing in france don't fact check me 
> 
> tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	16. xvi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M ALIVE
> 
> HELLO
> 
> SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG WAIT BUT HERE'S 10K TO MAKE UP FOR IT
> 
> (and thanks 4 sticking with this fic <33)
> 
> HAPPY CHRISTMAS/HANUKKAH/KWANZAA/YULE/ANYTHING ELSE I'M FORGETTING <333
> 
> tw: mentions of eating disorder and bipolar disorder

**Dimanche 12:44**

They were a week out from the show, which meant everyone was in a frenzy. The studios had been booked all day and people came and went as they pleased to practice, everyone a little bit more sluggish than usual on account of the late night they’d all ended up having. 

After Eliott and Lucas’ show, their whole year stayed in the auditorium all night under the guise of cleaning it up, but they were really just enjoying one another’s company. There weren’t going to be many more nights like this, so they had to take advantage while they still could. The silly string actually smelled quite bad, but Lucas didn’t think any of them had cared much about it, too lost in the moment and each other to think about anything other than their happiness. It was so beautiful to experience, being in a group like this one. Sure, some of them were better friends with each other than others were, but that night they’d all been one unit built through sweat, strength, blood, broken nails, and more than a few tears.  

Lucas was still finding silly string buried in his hair when he ran his hands through it as he practiced, and even though it was kind of gross, he couldn’t help but smile. 

He and Eliott were switching off rehearsing with Manon and Imane, both of whom chided them multiple times for not paying enough attention to their partners and too much attention to each other. Thankfully, Lucas had already gotten a fair amount of practice with Manon, so they looked to be in good shape for the weekend. Imane and Eliott hadn’t had as much time to work through the choreography together, but it didn’t seem likely that the two of them would have to perform together on stage, so they weren’t worried.

They had yet to run through the entire ballet in full costume onstage, and Lucas couldn’t have been more excited to start dress rehearsals. They wouldn’t start until the next morning since the show was beginning on Friday, and Lucas hoped that nothing would go wrong, but he didn’t want to jinx it. There was still a lot to be done, and so much that could go wrong, but they were so close.  

It was quite surreal that it was finally happening. It seemed like just yesterday he’d come back to school with Manon, marvelling at the year ahead. At the same time, it seemed stupid that at that point he’d been so overcome with blind hatred he’d thought he wouldn’t survive the year sharing a room with Eliott. Now he couldn’t imagine surviving without him. 

Eliott flashed him a smile just meant for the two of them, like a secret they shared, and Lucas dropped his head to hide his own grin. One of the best things about falling in love was the secret language that came with it, the one neither person had to learn but already knew by heart. It was a good thing he would never have to live without Eliott.

“I love you,” he mouthed across the room, because he was sappy and he could. If Eliott was the sun, then he was Icarus, flying, falling, but ever in love with its golden rays and the warmth it brought into his life. 

Imane snapped in front of his face and he realized he’d probably been staring too long with a dopey expression on his face. The blush that always adorned his cheeks around Eliott deepened, even as Eliott mouthed the words back to him behind Imane. 

“I swear, if I’d known you were going to be this insufferable in love, I never would have wished for it for my birthday,” Manon teased, ruffling his hair.

“Shut up,” he groaned, leaning out of her reach, then paused. “Wait… you’re joking, right?”

She raised one eyebrow, turning back to face the mirror with a smirk on her face. She was such a shit, but he supposed he couldn’t complain because the two of them were cut from the same cloth. He pretended not to notice Imane rolling her eyes at all three of them. He knew it was in jest anyways, he knew that Imane liked him a whole lot more than she pretended to. 

And, thinking of her, he had to get all the information out of her about her and Sofiane. They could pretend nothing was going on all they wanted, but literally everyone knew it was a lie. He was happy for her, whatever the case, because he could tell she and Sofiane cared about each other deeply and had for practically their whole lives.

Caring was something he’d grown up without, never really considering the impact it might have when he found it. He liked to be cared for, he’d come to realize. Being cared for wasn’t being pitied or belittled, it was a show of pure affection from someone who loved you through thick and thin. Sure, it would still take him some getting used to, but Manon, Imane, and Eliott were just the people to help him with that. He liked to be the one giving care as well, it came more naturally, probably because he’d done it unknowingly with his mother when he was young. There was nothing quite like showing someone how much they meant to you. 

The rehearsals continued, going by more smoothly than initially anticipated, mostly due to the fact that the four of them were pretty professional when they wanted to be. It was strange for the show to be looming so close, it really was. Even stranger still was the fact that Lucas would dance the role of his dreams with one of his best friends opposite him in front of an audience that was sure to be more overwhelming than any he’d ever experienced prior. 

Thinking about it led to wild daydreams of performing on the same stage as the principal dancer in the Paris Opera Ballet Company. If he even wanted to stay there, that was. It seemed blasphemous to even think of leaving, but he wasn’t assured a place in the company and he didn’t know if this environment was the one he was destined to belong in. He and Eliott hadn’t talked much about what they were going to do after this year, and Lucas had been avoiding thinking about it too much. Not so long ago he’d feared there would be no future for him. He’d wait until after the show, he decided, then he would figure out what the hell he was going to do with his life and his career, if his brain could hold out that long. 

Career was a weird word for him to use, even in the confines of his own mind. It meant that his dreams were in reach should he decide to reach out and grab them. Hopefully they wouldn’t slip through his fingers. 

Eliott snaked a hand around his shoulders, knocking their heads together. “Break time?” he asked, probably noticing how Lucas had zoned out over the last few minutes. Lucas nodded sinking into Eliott’s embrace. 

“Perfect,” Manon said, patting her forehead for sweat that wasn’t there. It boggled his mind, honestly, how she simply didn’t sweat, like she’d just decided not to or something. “I have to meet Daphné,” she continued, light flush coating her cheeks. 

“Why haven’t I been giving you a hard time about that?” Lucas wondered aloud, considering all the jokes he could have made about the two of them. Manon surely hadn’t held back on his behalf. 

“Because you love us both too much,” Manon suggested with a wink, and Lucas rolled his eyes at her. 

He raised one eyebrow, gathering his things from the front of the room. “I take offense on behalf of me  _ and _ Eliott,” he said, nudging Eliott, who nodded even though he’d been talking to Imane.

Manon pouted at him, patting his cheek maternally. “Please, as if you don’t already know how much I love you.”

“That’s so sweet, Manon, but I’m gay,” he lamented.

“Me too,” she mocked, in the same tone of voice, “For the most part at least.”

She kissed him on both cheeks, waving to Eliott and Imane before leaving, eyes glued to whatever Daphné had probably just sent her on her phone. Eliott re attached himself to Lucas immediately after her absence, bodies melding into place, such a comfort in existing side by side. 

Imane left as well, reminding them to meet back there in an hour or so to continue rehearsing, and Eliott and Lucas trailed a bit behind, too lost in their own world to see her meet up with Sofiane and walk off in the opposite direction. 

Eliott covered Lucas’ eyes as they walked back to their room, both of them giggling like giddy schoolchildren, and he uncovered Lucas’ eyes with a flourish after struggling to open the door without his hands. 

“Ta da!” he exclaimed proudly, gesturing to their room.

Lucas looked around for what the surprise was supposed to be. “Ah, Eliott? What am I supposed to be looking at?”

Eliott’s face fell and turned bright red as he bolted behind the kitchen counter, cursing. He rematerialized a moment later, holding a tray of muffins. Despite himself, Lucas softened. 

“My famous blueberry-bacon muffins,” Eliott said proudly, and Lucas tried not to visibly show any disgust. 

“When did you make them?” he asked instead, and Eliott blushed again. 

“Ok,  _ technically _ I didn’t make these ones specifically, Idriss did, but that’s only because we’ve been rehearsing all day and I still wanted to do something special for you,” Eliott continued with a timid smile. Every time Lucas thought Eliott couldn’t be more endearning, he had to go and do something like make Lucas want to eat blueberry-bacon muffins, didn’t he?

Lucas took the tray from his hands and set it on the counter before wrapping his arms around Eliott’s neck. “I’m sure I’ll love them,” he lied, then pressed their foreheads together, “But not half as much as I love you.”

“I’d give you the world if I could,” Eliott said sincerely, and Lucas believed him. He had no reason not to. “No,” he amended, “The universe. Every single one of them.”

Lucas leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “You already have.”

Eliott shut his eyes, rubbing their noses together and wrapping his arms around Lucas’ waist. Neither one of them moved an inch, sinking into the moment, and Lucas was struck by the peace he felt. It was a silent dance, the two of them swaying there in their kitchen slash living room combo area. It was easy to picture living in their own little apartment, spending most of their nights like this. If that was what their future held, no matter how far ahead, Lucas couldn’t wait. 

 

**Lundi 13:07**

Eliott’s blueberry-bacon muffins had been awful, so Lucas declined the offer to go home and cook with Eliott during their dress rehearsal lunch break, instead agreeing to join Yann and Arthur in meeting up with Basile. They hadn’t seen him in a while, and Lucas had to admit he missed him and the illusion of normalcy he brought to their lives. He didn’t know how fucked up they’d all been recently, at least in Lucas and Arthur’s case, so there was a lot of catching up to do.

His friends had made him pick the restaurant, probably to assure that he would actually eat, but his knowledge of restaurants was pretty limited due to a combination of his eating problems and lack of free time outside of school, so they ended up at one of the same places they always went to but no one seemed to mind. Lucas ordered himself a sandwich and a salad, ignoring the looks that Yann and Arthur shared over his head. 

Basile joined them, bringing the energy of a thousand suns with him. After exchanging pleasantries, he barrelled into talking about some drama he’d found himself in when Alexia had convinced him to help her throw a clandestine party in their school, but then the night guard turned up and almost caught them, and Lucas realized that if his life was crazy, normal was a whole other level of crazy.

“But, uh, what’s been up with you all?” Basile asked, noting all of their wide eyed gazes. He hadn’t stopped talking for nearly fifteen minutes, not that any of them minded, but he  _ had _ been eating the entire time as well, words somewhat garbled for at least half the time he’d been speaking. 

Yann and Lucas exchanged a look, wondering where to even begin. Arthur cut in instead. “You’re coming to the show this weekend, right?”

“Of course! I’ve told everyone at school about it a million times. Alexia too. Not sure how many people you can count on, to be fair, but Alexia, Idriss, and I will for sure be there cheering the loudest. Oh, and Alex,” Basile added, almost as an afterthought. 

“Alex?” Yann inquired.

Basile clarified, “From Alexia’s party earlier this year? He and Emma have been dating since then, I think. And he’s friends with Idriss and Sofiane. Not sure about Eliott— oh, sorry, Lucas.”

Lucas furrowed his brows. “What?”

Basile blinked at him. “You hate Eliott?”

Arthur burst out laughing and Lucas blushed bright red. Surely he’d told Baz about Eliott… but then again he’d only just told everyone at school, and not necessarily because he’d wanted to. He just assumed everyone knew at this point, but that clearly wasn’t the case. 

“Ah, Baz,” Lucas began, unsure of how to say it gently, “I’m, um, Eliott and I, um…” Fuck, he couldn’t do this, he felt so weird. Literally all Baz knew of Eliott was shit he’d heard from Lucas over the years, he didn’t have Arthur’s experience living with him or Yann’s ability to see past Lucas’ blind hatred and respect him as a person even if they hadn’t thought they would ever be friends.

“They’re fucking,” Yann supplied, and Lucas smacked him on the arm. 

Basile’s jaw dropped wide open and his eyes searched Lucas’ face, as if looking for a hint that Yann was lying. It was technically true, but what he and Eliott had was so much more than that. 

“They’re in  _ looooove _ ,” Arthur corrected, and Lucas shifted uncomfortably again, watching as Baz’s jaw dropped so far Lucas was convinced it would end up on the floor. Arthur met Lucas’ eyes across the table reassuring him that there were no hard feelings, which Lucas appreciated, because a small part of him did still wonder if there was a universe where Lucas still hated Eliott, and saw Arthur as something more than a friend.

“I need every detail right this minute,” was all Baz seemed to have the ability to say, still in utter shock. Lucas kind of wanted to circle back to Alex dating Emma, and Yann looked like he wanted to as well, but he supposed he didn’t mind talking about Eliott too much. 

The look on his face must have gotten too soft too fast, because Basile nearly yelled in surprise, squinting at him. “Is this what a Lucas in love looks like? It’s terrifying,” he said to Arthur and Yann, and Lucas glared at him. 

“Do you want me to tell you, or not?” he asked, crossing his arms, and Basile finally gestured for him to continue. He hadn’t told Yann or Arthur anything about how it had all gone down really. He launched into how he and Eliott had sort of become friends by accident, various small instances coming to a climax of pushing and pulling each other into a fountain and realizing that their hate was more or less a facade to cover up other feelings, at least in Lucas’ case. 

He snuck in details about his eating disorder, wondering if he’d have to say it or if Basile would be able to infer from context clues. He hoped for the latter but was prepared for the former. Yann and Arthur seemed a little shocked at how many subtle hints they’d missed, but for the most part Lucas and Eliott had been good at keeping their romantic lives separate from the studio and vice versa. He didn’t tell them about Polaris, because he wanted Eliott to be able to tell people about it, but he did talk about the countless nights they’d spent together in the studio and how they’d accidentally been in the room when Manon and Daphné confessed their feelings to each other.

“Wait a minute,” Basile cut him off, holding his hands up. “Daphné… blonde Daphné? Gorgeous Daphné? Love of my life Daphné?”

Lucas shrugged. “Uh, yeah, I guess? What about her?”

Basile dropped his head into his hands dramatically on the table. “No! Do you think they’re going to break up any time soon? I swear, I’ve only met her a few times, but it was love at first sight. And second, and so on.”

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Arthur chimed in, patting Basile on the back. “Daphné is a lesbian.”

“She could be bi,” Basile pouted, lifting his head. 

“Ah, but she’s not,” Arthur said apologetically, sharing a look with Lucas. Basile’s antics, while exasperating in large doses, had been sorely missed by Lucas. 

“So what’s going on with Emma and Alex, then?” Yann asked casually, finding his opportunity. 

Lucas narrowed his eyes, speaking in a low, warning, voice, “Yann…”

Yann ignored him, and Basile looked a little disgruntled by the subject change. “I don’t know much, Alex finds me annoying, I think, but him and Emma are annoyingly cute every time I’ve seen them together.”

“Oh, cool,” Yann said nonchalantly, and Lucas shot him another warning glare. Now was not the time for Yann to rediscover his feelings for Emma or get jealous over Emma’s new relationship. 

“What about you, Tuturo?” Basile asked, moving on to eat a bit of Yann’s lunch. “How’s life been treating you?”

Arthur zoned out for a minute, and Lucas completely understood where his head was at. How was he supposed to succinctly wrap up a lifetime of struggle into one neat story to share with a friend? “Fine,” Arthur decided finally, “Better recently than it has been.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Basile sighed. “I must admit, you guys are a lot more boring than I’d hoped.”

Lucas laughed, taking a small bite of his salad. “I just told you all about my secret relationship with my roommate who I previously hated.”

“Yeah, but now you’re all happy and in love,” Basile said ruefully.

“He almost got kicked out of school a week ago, and now he’s playing the lead on alternating shows,” Arthur supplied, pointing his fork at Lucas. 

Basile slammed his hands on the table. “Now  _ this _ is what I’m talking about! Spill the tea, Lallemant, spill it now.”

Lucas took time to flip Arthur off before considering where to start. He was sure his final year of ballet school would be a story he’d tell for a long, long time, so it didn’t hurt to start then. He wondered how Eliott would tell it, or how Eliott would tell  _ their _ story. Lucas’ version was tinged with regret and a bit of his chaotic energy, but wrapped in care. Where he might include stories of them doing stupid things and singing stupid songs in the middle of the night, he suspected Eliott would include the soft moments shared in the hazy morning light. Eyes meeting across the kitchen counter and hands gently tangled together as they talked, the only distance between them created by a current of words and thoughts to intimate to share aloud. 

Was Eliott sitting in the kitchen with Sofiane and Idriss at that moment, each of them trying not to cringe over blueberry-bacon muffins as Eliott’s face lit up in wonder talking about their relationship? Was his version yearning and heartache warmed around the edges with the light of the sun that filled Eliott’s heart so full of love?

It was interesting to think about, that was for sure, the fact that there existed parallel universes even inside their own minds. Of course everyone saw and experience life differently, but Lucas had never really thought about it in terms of how two different people might recount the same series of events. It made him consider how he’d been the subject of so many misunderstandings in his life, and how much of that was probably due to his own perspective varying from the perspectives of others. Hadn’t his hatred of Eliott for years proved that? He was quite the unreliable narrator, especially inside his own mind, but wasn’t everyone? Was there even a person in the world who trusted themselves with unflinching clarity? If so, Lucas didn’t envy them. The questioning and mistakes were what made him human, and what made the epiphanies and happy moments much more worthwhile. 

He’d been talking on autopilot while these thoughts ran through his mind, not really even paying attention to Basile’s reactions to the dramatic series of events that he simply called ‘life’. Basile cracked a few jokes when he was done, and Lucas melted into a laugh, shaking his head. A week ago he’d never thought any of this would be worthy or capable of being laughed at, but there they were. 

Healing often took him by surprise, but it showed itself in subtle ways. This laugh, for example, or the fact that he’d eaten his whole meal without overthinking it. It said more about the safe space his friends had provided for him than anything else, but he was glad for it all regardless. He’d only had Eliott for a little while, he’d had these friends much longer, and he would never let himself forget that no matter how much he loved Eliott. Both loves were different, but that didn’t diminish either one of them, both just as important and essential to his healing and growth and livelihood. 

They not only made him better, mentally, and physically, but they also made him want to be a better person so he could return the favor to them. Arthur was his first target, and he didn’t really know how well he was doing, but he was trying, and that would have to count for something. 

Life was just a series of trying and trying and trying again, wasn’t it? Lucas had come close to not trying as of late, but he was glad he hadn’t stopped completely, because the payoff was so worth it. 

 

**Mardi 18:12**

It was Lucas’ first therapy session beyond his diagnosis session, and to say he was nervous was a bit of an understatement. He didn’t know his therapist, she was different from the woman who’d assessed him previously, but she had a kind smile and pulled her hair back in a way that reminded him of his mom. He didn’t know if that made him sad or hopeful. Well, he supposed she was supposed to be the one to help him figure that out, wasn’t she?

She shook his hand as he walked into her office, sitting down on the couch across from her. He fidgeted a bit, not knowing how to sit. Was this formal, or casual? Was he supposed to lay on the couch like they always did in the movies? 

“I’m Dr. Rowe, but you may call me Angelique, if that makes you more comfortable. In my experience, most of the people I treat prefer us to address one another on a first name basis, but I’ll do whatever suits you,” she said, voice kind. She looked younger than he’d expected her to be, but looks could be deceiving and he wasn’t stupid enough to ask. 

“Um, first names are fine, yeah,” he agreed. Dr. Rowe seemed to formal for what they were going to be doing, even if it was his first instinct to refuse the familiarity. “I’m Lucas,” he supplied, even though she probably already knew that. She probably already knew more about him than he did. 

“Lucas,” she confirmed anyways, giving him another warm smile. He couldn’t tell if that was her natural reaction or if she was just trying to be extra welcoming. Whatever the case, he didn’t mind it, and he could already feel himself becoming a bit more at ease.

She shuffled the few papers she was holding, turning more professional. “I have your diagnosis reports with me here, but that’s not what I want to talk with you about today, ok?”

“Ok?” Lucas put his hands under his legs, definitely not to keep them from shaking. 

“Just… tell me about you. I don’t want to know you through what various files and diagnoses tell me, that’s not going to help either of us. I want to know  _ you _ . Who is Lucas, really?” she prompted.

That was the question of a lifetime, wasn’t it? “Well,” he began, “I’m… struggling. I have been for so long I forgot what it’s like to not live every day in some sort of pain. It’s not that I didn’t want to get better, it’s more that I didn’t think there was any way of getting better. I didn’t know that was an option.”

“But you do now?” she asked.

He smiled involuntarily. “Yeah. I do. Someone in my life recently has helped me realize I’m worth more than I ever thought. I’m not really sure if I believe him all the time, but I think the same of him, so I get where he’s coming from and I try to listen.”

“What is your relationship to this person?” she continued, listening intently as ever. He already liked this session better than the one he’d had previously.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Lucas said, ducking his head. He knew for a fact he had when Yann had dubbed his ‘sappy Eliott face’ on right now and he didn’t want to be too much of a lovesick disaster right off the bat. “Eliott.”

“How did you two meet?”

He almost snorted aloud. She definitely wasn’t going to have been expecting what he was about to tell her. “We were best friends growing up,” he began, because it was as good a place as any to start. “We both go to school at the Paris Opera Ballet School, which you obviously know, at least on my behalf, but yeah. We kind of, um, grew apart for a few years, but we became friends again this year, and then something more.”

Angelique considered this, and she looked like she wanted to ask more about it. He figured she would. There was too much to cover in a single session, though, and the last thing he wanted was for her to come to come sort of conclusion that he and Eliott weren’t good together. Because if anything was true, it was that they truly did belong together. 

“He’s helped me a lot, he’s the only one who really saw what was going on and wouldn’t let me talk my way out of it,” he said.

“Do you do that a lot?” she asked, “Talk your way out of things?”

He nodded. “Well, yes and no. Most times I just don’t talk about it at all, or get super defensive.”

She looked at him curiously. “You seem rather open with me?”

Yeah, he was kind of confused by it too. He shrugged. “I guess so many people know about the deepest darkest parts of me now that I don’t see the point in hiding it.”

She laughed. “That’s a start.”

“I guess,” he agreed, smiling minutely. “Is there, um, anything I should be talking about in particular?”

Angelique shook her head. “These sessions are more or less dictated by you. I’ll give my input, and I’ll lead you in discussions, but I don’t ever want to monopolize the conversation. This is about you and your growth most of all, and we’ll get there however you’re most comfortable.”

“And if I don’t know?” he asked.

She smiled, but it wasn’t a smile borne from joy, nor from sadness. It was a smile of understanding. “That’s ok too.”

He appreciated her flexibility, it did in fact make him feel better about being there, but he also wanted some sort of structure. Should he jump in with the capital T trauma right away, or was that something to be saved for later on when they knew each other a little better? Then again, she already knew quite a bit about him didn’t she? Even the things unwritten in his diagnoses were written in the way he sat or his vocal inflections. She could see the bags under his eyes or the light inside them, and she could see that he wrung his hands together when he didn’t know what to say or that those very same hands were made to hold the hands of another. Someone she could probably see was always on his mind, even in the quietest moments. 

“I have a show starting this weekend,” he said instead, the only thing he could think to say. 

“In the ballet?” she clarified, and he grinned, finding his footing. He could talk about ballet for hours and never tire of it. 

“Yeah, it’s my final year of school, and every group of terminale students puts on a ballet production in the winter for the holidays, so this year we’re doing Swan Lake,” he explained.

She nodded along like she understood so far, which was promising. “And Swan Lake, is that one you’ve heard of? I apologize, I don’t know much about ballet.”

Lucas laughed, mostly to himself. It was crazy how those two words could mean so little to someone who was completely outside of the ballet world. “It’s been my favorite show since I was a kid. Prince Siegfried, the lead male role, has always been my dream role.”

“Is that who you’ll be playing, then?” she asked. 

“That’s kind of a long story,” he admitted, “But yes, in a way. I’ll be alternating the role with Eliott. The show runs for two weekends, so he gets the Saturday matinee and the Sunday matinee, I get Friday evening and Saturday evening, and then next weekend we switch. Otherwise I’m just in the corps, which is sort of like the ensemble.”

She nodded. “And Eliott… is this the same Eliott…?”

She didn’t finish the thought fully, but he understood well enough. Who was Eliott? The man of his dreams, and so much more. “Yeah, this Eliott is my boyfriend.”

She blinked, sitting up a bit straighter. “I see.”

“When I said it was a long story, I really meant it,” he laughed nervously.

“Do you want to talk about it all now?” she asked, giving him the option to take things slowly, and he decided that was what he needed at the moment, especially with the show so close. He could go deep into his psyche once the show was over. 

“Actually can I just talk a bit about ballet, for now?” he asked. 

Angelique nodded graciously. “Of course. We’ll move at whatever pace you’re comfortable with.”

“Ok,” he agreed readily, deciding what he wanted to do with the remaining time of their session. To his surprise, it was almost halfway through already. He was certain that not every session would fly by as quickly, but it was nice that this first one hadn’t been excruciating and uncomfortable.

“So,” he began again, and shared his passion for dance with Angelique, sparing no details of how he felt and what ballet did for him and his emotions. Being a dancer was where all the troubles and pain came about, but the act of dancing itself was ethereal. Nothing else mattered when he was dancing. Sure he might mess up some steps here and there or get tired after a while, but those things never bothered him in the moment. In the moment it was just Lucas in his purest form, and that was the sort of feeling he wanted to be able to find away from the stage or the studio. 

When he spoke, he was worried Angelique wouldn’t understand, but he could see in her eyes that she did. She may not know anything about the finer details of which he spoke, but the overall feelings were universal, and as long as they both knew that Lucas could see their sessions being really good for him. He hoped they would be, at least. 

It was a big, scary step to take to even go there in the first place, but he was proud of himself for doing so. Lucas from months or even weeks ago probably never would have predicted this. But he was Lucas Lallemant 2.0 now, and he’d found some love for himself that he was determined not to lose again for as long as he could. And if he ever did lose it again, he wanted to know how to find his way back, and being there with Angelique seemed like a great place to start.  

 

**Mercredi 9:39**

It was the third day of dress rehearsals and Lucas was finally able to practice in his properly fitted costumes. He’d felt a twinge of guilt on Monday when he’d tried on the costumes made for him and realized they were at least a few sizes too big. He hadn’t really thought that was possible, but the measurements had been taken right after casting, and though no one had said anything about how much weight he’d lost in the meantime, the proof was in the outfitting.

It was a wonder to him how he hadn’t seen it, but then again he really hadn’t wanted to, and his brain liked to trick him into believing or disbelieving things more often than not. His ribs protruded too far and his collarbone was too defined and his jawline wasn’t sharp in the right kind of way, but he promised himself he would get back on track and try to fix the damage he’d wrought on his body for real. Sooner than later.  

Lucas could see in Eliott’s eyes that he knew why Lucas had been quieter than normal while getting dressed, lost in his own head. He didn’t really want to talk about it, partially because he was ashamed and partially because he didn’t even know what he would say. Being thinner had never really been his objective, he’d always been fit from rigorous dance training, but there had always been that voice in the back of his mind telling him what a real ballet dancer looked like and how he needed to do everything in his power to be that person so no one would be able to overlook him ever again.

Yet in doing so he’d somehow allowed himself to waste away to someone small and fragile. He didn’t want to be fragile, he wanted to wear his costumes with pride and show the world that Lucas Lallemant wasn’t broken. The people he loved already knew it, and a part of him did realize that it shouldn’t matter if the whole world knew as long as the people he cared about did, but Lucas had always wanted more, flawed as that logic might have been.

Complicated emotions aside, it did fill Lucas with a bit of pride to be practicing the role of the Prince in full costume. Another thing he could see in Eliott’s eyes was how much he wanted to see Lucas outside of that costume, or maybe even have his way with him in it, and that was not very conducive to the fact that he was wearing tights.

Funny how he’d have to revert to all his old ignoring Eliott tactics for an entirely different reason. Thankfully, he was quite busy, as he was rehearsing for the Prince that day. When he’d been informed that he’d be the Prince in the first show instead of Eliott he’d gone from shock, to panic, to unease, to cautious acceptance. Eliott said he didn’t care, that he was happy to have a chance to dance the role at all, but Lucas knew it made Eliott a little upset that Lucas got to open and close their show in the lead role. He would have felt the same, but probably would have been more vocal about it.

Manon looked beautiful, of course. At the moment she was dressed in her Odile costume, the darkness of the tutu standing out starkly against her pale skin. No one could say she didn’t look striking up there on the stage, even during a simple dress rehearsal. Imane would have looked just as striking, and Lucas made sure to let her know that even if she pretended she didn’t want to hear it. 

Lucas risked a glance at Eliott as Manon practiced her fouettes, mind trailing back to the weekend, knowing before their eyes even met that Eliott was thinking of the same thing. 

_ You did them better _ , Eliott mouthed across the room, nodding to Manon.

He most absolutely did not, but he appreciated the sentiment. It must have shown on his face, all sappy and soft, because behind Eliott Yann mimed puking and Lucas had to take a momentary glance away from the man of his dreams to glare at this best friend. Eliott’s brows furrowed, turning and laughing in a small inaudible breath when he realized Yann was beside him. Lucas briefly wondered if he could (or should) start inviting Eliott to hang out with him and Arthur sometimes. He thought he might like that, and he thought Eliott might too. 

“Lallemant, to the stage please,” the director called out, voice reeking of displeasure, but for once Lucas didn’t give a shit. After the show his interactions with the director would likely be kept to a minimum, so long as he didn’t fuck up like he had this term, and then he’d be gone and the director would only be a blip on the tapestry of his life. One that, with effort, could someday be stitched over. 

Nevertheless, he did go to the stage, because no matter how shitty the director was it was like he’d explained to Angelique the day before; ballet meant too much to him to give into all the bad things. Maybe that was an unhealthy way to think too, but he could cross that bridge some other time. The same thoughts that had been plaguing him plagued him once more, his career and what it would end up being flitting in and out of the center of his thoughts.he closed his eyes briefly, brushing it all aside. For now, he was choosing to let himself enjoy this experience as it came and not dwell on the things he might have dwelled on a few weeks prior. 

Lucas took Manon’s hand to practice one of their duets, and the soft smile that graced her face as he did so perfectly encapsulated how he felt under the lights of the stage, dressed in his costume, knowing that Eliott was probably watching him with pride. The last time he’d been on the stage with only one other person he and Eliott had been alone, wondering if their futures were about to slip through their fingers and if this was the last stage they’d ever dance on. 

Manon and Lucas danced together seamlessly, a bond forged in what may as well have been blood, as she was one of the closest things he’d ever had to a sister, shared experiences and emotional support bringing them together in a way that impacted their dancing in the subtlest of ways. It was trust in its purest form, and it worked for the stage and the show in ways neither of them probably would have imagined when they’d been partnered up a year beforehand. Neither Lucas nor Manon had ever really been the trusting sort, but once someone earned that trust they’d go to the ends of the earth for them.

Lucas was still getting used to the idea that someone might actually go to the ends of the earth for him, that many people would if given the chance. The funny thing was, Lucas had never considered whether or not the ends of the earth even existed, he’d simply been certain everything in life had a definitive starting and ending point and that nothing in the middle really mattered much at all. 

But on that stage, taking Manon by the hand, locking eyes with Eliott in the wings, he could see that everything in between mattered most of all. What was a beginning without something to follow, to turn a moment into infinity? And what was an end if not for everything leading up to that point, that one final moment? It was more likely that an end didn’t even exist, that the present was all that really mattered. 

Minute by minute, Lucas and Eliott had promised, and minute by minute it would be until those minutes reached their eternity. 

 

**JEUDI 23:57**

Lucas’ head was on Eliott’s chest but he wasn’t tired. He should have been sleeping, the show was less than twenty four hours away, but he couldn’t bring himself to. At first he dismissed it as nerves, but he truthfully wasn’t that nervous. At least not in a bad way. 

He was thinking, that pesky thing that always seemed to get him into trouble. Not about the show in particular, but a little bit about everything. The same thoughts from earlier in the week had hit him like a ton of bricks earlier that day and now he couldn’t get them out of his mind, no matter how much he tried. It seemed ironic, given how he’d only been thinking about how imperative it was to live in the moment a day ago, that he now was considering the future once more.

The thought that had struck him had come at a brief moment, and surprisingly it hadn’t had anything to do with him at all. Eliott was onstage practicing and the director was looking at him with such distaste that some of his friends had even asked Lucas about it. And yes, Lucas knew that the decision to let them stay had likely not been unanimous, the director leading the opposition, but Eliott had been his star for so long that to see him flip completely only bolstered with the information of Eliott’s mental illness was sickening. It was disheartening and downright cruel to see what a change such a thing could bring, something entirely out of Eliott’s control, simply because the director viewed neurodivergence as lesser than. It wasn’t only him, of course, it would and probably had been already, many people, but it made Lucas think. 

He’d always dreamed of entering the company after completing his training at school, the Paris Opera Ballet was one of, if not  _ the _ most prestigious ballet in the world, but did he want that if he had a pretty good idea of how he’d be treated? Did he want to put himself into a situation that might derail his healing process? If not, what were his other options? The realization that his future was almost entirely his decision had come without warning and pushed the thoughts into a full on spiral.

“Lu?” Eliott’s sleepy voice interrupted the train of questions pushing their way into his mind. 

Lucas hummed in response, listening to Eliott’s heartbeat. Eliott continued, just as groggily, “I can hear you thinking.”

“Can you?” Lucas teased, half of him willing Eliott to go back to sleep the other half wanting to talk and talk and talk until all the thoughts ran free from his head and he felt like he could breathe peacefully again. 

“Lucas,” Eliott said, sounding more awake now than before, and Lucas sighed. 

“Eliott.”

Eliott shifted so they were lying opposite one another, ignoring Lucas’ small groans at being denied Eliott’s chest as a pillow. “What’s going on?”

Lucas sighed again. “I know we promised minute by minute, and I’m trying, but these thoughts won’t leave my mind and I don’t know what to do about them.”

“What thoughts?” Eliott looked concerned, and Lucas didn’t want him to be.

“I don’t want to be here next year,” he said quietly, realizing how that sounded when Eliott stiffened beside him. He rushed to clarify, “Like, in the Paris Opera Ballet. I don’t want to dance for the Paris Opera Ballet.”

Eliott relaxed slightly, nodding. “Oh. Yeah. Where do you want to be?”

Lucas hadn’t gotten that far yet. “I don’t know. Somewhere I’m not already a pariah.”

“You aren’t a pariah—”

“We both are, Eliott. The director has a say in the company too, and I don’t want to give him the chance to ruin ballet for me more than he’s already tried to,” Lucas pleaded, not really sure why he was pleading. It wasn’t like Eliott wasn’t listening to him, he was. Lucas just felt the need to justify everything to an extreme degree all the time. 

Eliott simply looked at him in one of those ways he always did, one of those ways no one ever had before, and touched his cheek softly. “Hey. Lucas. I  _ understand _ .”

“Oh.” 

Eliott smiled minutely, thumb brushing Lucas’ cheekbone. “I haven’t really allowed myself to think about it, since my diagnosis, but… I don’t know if I want to be here either.”

“Really?” Lucas blinked in surprise. The way Eliott loved Paris… Lucas had never seen anything like it, so he’d never even considered Eliott might feel the same way he did. 

“It hurts me a bit to even think about,” Eliott admitted, “Because I love Paris more than I can even express, but Paris will always be here.”

“What do you mean?” Lucas asked.

Eliott moved his hand to Lucas’ hair. “I want to experience a bit of the world outside what I’ve always known. I’ll always have Paris,  _ we’ll _ always have Paris, but it might be fun to see what else the world has in store for us. I’ve always wanted to go to London, or Berlin, or America, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Hey,” Lucas said, placing a hand on Eliott’s cheek. “I want that too, I think. I’ve just been scared to admit it to myself. Paris is just a place, when it really comes down to it. I’ve never really had a home until now. My home is with  _ you _ .”

Eliott blushed, looking a bit flustered even in the dim light and Lucas couldn’t help but smile. “And mine with you,” Eliott said, voice no more than a murmur. 

Lucas turned onto his back and gazed up at the ceiling. Sometimes he forgot whose room they were in at night, but it was usually Eliott’s. Lucas knew that Eliott liked sleeping there better, in the comfort of the drawings and posters he’d hung up on the walls in the bed with the sheets he carefully made every day. Lucas preferred being in there too, it felt warmer than his room, more personal. They were almost through with the term and Lucas had yet to put up any decorations in his own room or make it look like more than a place he slept every once and awhile. Eliott’s hand slipped from his cheek to his waist. 

“What are you thinking about now?” Eliott asked.

“Us, I guess,” Lucas said, gaze still turned upward. 

“What about us? Good things I hope?” Lucas could hear the hint of a smile in Eliott’s voice and he let it wash over him like a warm blanket. 

Lucas folded his hand over the one Eliott circled his waist with. “Of course. I think only the best things of you.”

“You didn’t for quite a while there,” Eliott joked, and Lucas finally turned his head back to look at him.

“No, I didn’t.” He hummed, settling back into Eliott’s side. “Part of me has always been afraid of change, you know? But this year so many things have changed, and I don’t really mind it.”

“No?”

Lucas shook his head. “I mean, for example, I moved out of my dad’s house, which is probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, I became closer with Manon than I ever thought I’d be and now I can’t imagine my life without her, I had to face some new realities about myself and my mental and physical health, and I fell in love with you. If you would have told me last year that any of this would be happening, I’m not sure if I would have laughed or fought it with every fiber of my being, but I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad it all happened.”

“You’re telling me it was never a fantasy of yours to fall in love with your arch nemesis?” Eliott asked, scandalized. 

Lucas laughed louder than he meant to, thinking about Yann talking about enemies to lovers fanfiction and whatnot. “Was it yours?”

“Oh, absolutely,” Eliott agreed right away. “I thrive off of sexual tension concealed by a layer of hate. That’s the only reason I let you hate me, of course, so that one day you could push me into a fountain, I could pull you in after me, and our story would reach its peak.” 

“Psssh, that is  _ so _ not the peak of our story,” Lucas shot back. 

Eliott raised an eyebrow at him. “No?”

“No! Our peak hasn’t happened yet. If we’re lucky, it never will.” Lucas began to draw a graph with his hands, hoping Eliott was following along. “It’s like one of those graphs for exponential growth, you know? The curve keeps going up with no end.”

“You lost me,” Eliott said apologetically, and Lucas just laughed.

“I forgot math and science aren’t your subjects.”

Eliott scrunched his nose, nudging Lucas a bit. “No need to rub it in smarty pants.”

Lucas nudged him back, taking the time to meet him halfway for a soft, searing kiss. “All I’m saying is that I love you exponentially. My love for you grows each day with no intention of ever stopping, even when we’re old and grey.”

“Bold of you to assume I’ll ever be old and grey.”

Lucas giggled despite himself, despite the fact that he’d been trying to be serious. “What the fuck does that even mean? Are you a vampire or something?”

“They don’t call me Edward Cullen for no reason,” Eliott said with a slight shrug, and Lucas broke down into giggles again.

“ _ Who _ calls you Edward Cullen?” he asked between bouts of laughter. 

Eliott started to laugh too, trying to hide it. “No one yet. But they will.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Lucas said, adoration coating every layer of his voice. 

“Ah,” Eliott said, pulling him close. He kissed the tip of Lucas’ nose, then his lips. “But I’m your idiot.”

Lucas blushed bright red, kissing Eliott senseless because he could. “That you are,” he agreed. And it was in that dim, love drunk light that Lucas realized no matter what he decided or what he wanted to do with his life and his career, he could do it. Because he had Eliott, and he could do anything with Eliott by his side. With Eliott the dark wasn’t so dark and the light had never been brighter. 

It was crazy to think that he’d never considered the possibility of another person making him feel that way, like his heart was on fire in the best way possible. Daddy issues aside, love was never something he’d taken for granted, and he had never intended on giving his heart away unless he knew the person on the receiving end deserved it. And that Eliott did, he deserved every bit of love Lucas could offer. 

Internal tumult put to the wayside for the time being, Lucas breathed in and out more steadily once more. His eyelids felt heavier than they had a moment earlier and he leaned into the feeling, aiming to be as well rested as possible for one of the biggest days of his life so far. He wondered, at the end of his life, how this day would rank, if it would rank at all. He couldn’t decide if he hoped it did or hoped it didn’t. There were so many good days to come, there had to be.

Lucas was on the precipice of sleep, brain shutting down more and more with each passing second when Eliott decided to speak again. “And by the way?” Eliott whispered, just as Lucas settled back onto his chest, falling closer to sleep with every passing second, “I love you exponentially as well.”

Lucas fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 

**VENDREDI 18:45**

Fifteen minutes.

Fifteen minutes until everything Lucas had worked so hard for was realized. Rehearsals had been hell, even though they had really only been finalizing blocking and lighting, not wanting to tire anyone too much before their big night.

Manon looked to be a vision of calm in her white tutu, makeup done to perfection, probably by Daphné, who held her hand loosely. They’d all just vacated the stage and waited in the wings, smiles full of eagerness and anxiety. Imane in particular refused to talk to anyone, tying and retying her pointe shoes. Lucas felt like his whole body was buzzing with nerves, but there was nothing more to be done. This was it. They’d made it, and now it was time to show everyone what they could do.

He didn’t know whether he felt better or worse about the fact that there was no one in the audience there to cheer him on. On the one hand, he could probably dance better for a crowd of strangers than he could for people he knew, but on the other it would have meant everything to him to see his mother’s face out in the crowd, or even just to know that she was proud of him. He hoped that in another universe she was proud, and that she would greet him after the show with a bouquet of flowers and a hug to last a lifetime. 

Minor costume snafus aside, everything backstage was running well and everyone was where they were supposed to be. Eliott looked like a dream, even dressed for the corps. Lucas hadn’t mentioned anything, but he could see the longing in Eliott’s eyes when he looked at him, longing that couldn’t be attributed to the love they felt for one another. Sure, come Saturday Eliott would have his chance to be in Lucas’ position, but this was supposed to be him, and he wasn’t supposed to have to share the spotlight. 

Basile had been blowing up his, Arthur’s, and Yann’s phones before they’d gotten into preparation mode, so he could only assume that he’d find Basile, Alexia, Alex, and Idriss somewhere in the crowd being the kind of idiots ballet tried to avoid. He loved them for it. 

Arthur came to stand beside Lucas, looking down at him. It wasn’t like Lucas had never seen him wear contacts before, but he was still struck with how different Arthur looked without his glasses. He looked less like a boy, more like someone regal, deserving to be sculpted in marble. He looked like the type of person Lucas could only hope to be someday, even if it was all just a facade. 

“How are you feeling?” Arthur asked. 

Lucas looked out to the stage from the wings, wanting to pinch himself to make sure this was all real. “Ask me again after the show?”

The corner of Arthur’s mouth quirked up. “You’re going to do amazing,” Arthur promised, sounding so sure. 

“Thanks,” Lucas said genuinely, instead of deflecting with a snarky comment like he wanted to. “You too.”

“Pssh, please, with Eliott in the corps no one will look at me twice,” Arthur joked.

Lucas could have joked back, or rolled his eyes, but being where they were, he was feeling a bit sentimental. “They’d be stupid not to,” he said, and Arthur looked surprised.

“I mean it,” he continued, looking Arthur in the eye, “You’re a really amazing dancer. I know you’ve been through a lot, and if I were you I probably would have quit a long time ago, but I can see how much you love it when you allow yourself to. So do that, allow yourself to love it, because this world is a horribly fucked up place but if you can find happiness somewhere along the way you should hold onto it and never let it go.”

Arthur was still looking at him intently, unspeaking. “It’s what I do,” Lucas admitted, “And you know me, I’m no optimist, I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything we do is all in god’s plan, or whatever, but I do think that we can create new memories to try to escape the bad ones, and that when we love something, it should never be a bad thing.”

“You’re wise now, too, who the hell are you?” Arthur said, looking him up and down, which was about as sentimental as he expected from Arthur. But then, he admitted, “I’m trying. To enjoy it. I want to, because all of you here mean more to me than anyone else in my life, and if anyone deserves one hundred percent of me, it’s you all.”

“Me especially?” Lucas asked, nudging Arthur lightly and earning him a glare. 

“Yes, you especially,” Arthur caved, pointing a finger at him as he did so, “But not because I’m in love with you. Or was in love with you. Fuck if I know anymore. Even platonically, you’re one of the most important people to me, I really mean that.”

Lucas smiled, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. He was determined not to let them fall, even if only because Daphné had done his makeup so well. “You are to me too. And I really mean that.”

“Are the gays being all sappy, is that what I’m witnessing?” Another voice entered their conversation, a voice unmistakably belonging to the third in their three musketeers. Yann slung an arm around both of their shoulders, grinning cheesily. “Because if so, why didn’t you invite me?”

Arthur rolled his eyes, expression tinged with fondness. “I’m bi, asshole.”

“A gay is a gay,” Yann said solemnly, and Lucas resisted the urge to strangle him. 

The three of them stood there for a minute in complete silence, even as the world bustled around them, looking out onto the stage. 

“I can’t believe we’re actually here,” Yann said, all traces of humor gone from his voice. Lucas couldn’t do anything but nod, as if in a daze.

“It’s surreal,” Arthur agreed. 

And then the moment ended, Emma shoving past them to get in the proper place, and Lucas realized their fifteen minutes had run out. Eliott was on the other side of the stage, but they’d already said their break a legs and kissed each other senseless for the night. 

Manon’s fingers ghosted across his and he saw every emotion he was feeling reflected in her expression. He clasped her fingers, squeezing them tightly, and the small amount of tension that had been present left her shoulders, leaving her looking every bit the regal prima ballerina she was destined to be.   

“Are you ready?” someone asked. Lucas didn’t even know if they were talking to him, but as the curtains opened and the lights flooded the stage, he smiled. Eliott’s eye caught his from the wings on the opposite side of the stage, filling him to the brim with warmth. There was no jealousy, no longing, just pure love and pride. The music filled the room and Lucas rolled back his shoulders, wasting only a single moment to mouth  _ I love you _ across the stage to the boy on the other side. He stepped to the edge of the curtain, awaiting his cue.   

“I am.”

 

***

 

The curtains closed, but the image of a whole crowd of people standing and cheering as he bowed in front of them didn’t leave Lucas’ mind, and he hoped it never would. He couldn’t feel a thing, adrenaline too high, everyone around him looked like they were moving in slow motion. 

“How are you feeling?” Arthur’s voice invaded his daze, and Lucas blinked, image of the crowd vanishing from his mind.  _ Ask me after the show _ , he heard himself saying only hours earlier as Arthur had asked the same question. 

He thought about Manon and how they’d danced as one, a bond unbreakable in every sense of the word. Meeting Eliott’s eye backstage and kissing him during intermission, careful not to mess up their makeup. Sofiane pulling off a showstopping performance no one would ever forget. All the girls sharing the stage looking like they’d been born to dance there together. Julian from the year below holding his own on the stage, wholly out of his depth but handling it all better than anyone could have expected. Yann proving that he wasn’t someone to overlook, Arthur letting himself go and dance the way he’d held back from for so many years. The fact that they got to do this all again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. 

How was he feeling? Alive, happy, lost, tired, whole, every emotion in between a million times over. He thought of every universe he existed in, and how none of them could possibly compared to this one, in this moment.

Eliott swept him up spinning him around with the widest smile Lucas had ever seen. 

How was he feeling?

“Infinite.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, thank u for the endless support, it means the world
> 
> find me on tumblr - livvyblxckthxrn


	17. xvii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DID IT !! WHO WOULDA THOUGHT !!
> 
> welcome to my 20k word epilogue that i both apologize in advance and do not apologize for because this might be one of my favorite things i've ever written
> 
> thanks to everyone who's given me any love on this fic, it really means a lot because this version of elu holds a special place in my heart :,) 
> 
> i probably have so much more to say, but i'll keep this short and sweet so as to not accidentally add another 20k words for u all to read 
> 
> happy new year and vive la saison 5 !!!
> 
> tw: eating disorder, ed relapse, bipolar disorder, mentions of manic and depressive episodes

**6 MONTHS LATER**

Lucas sat frozen in his chair and set his phone down with shaking hands. He couldn’t decide if it was a good kind of shaking or a bad kind of shaking yet. He was fucked, he was so utterly fucked. He wished he had more time, but it  _ had _ been six months, so he should have known this day would come eventually. 

Eliott called out as he entered their suite, nearly singing his voice was so full of love for Lucas. It made him soften, just a bit, until he remembered why his hands had been shaking and his heart dropped to his stomach. 

He couldn’t believe they only had a few days left at school, it seemed like just yesterday he was standing on stage performing as Prince Siegfried in their production of Swan Lake. It seemed like just yesterday he was auditioning for the show. It was crazy how long and how short six months could feel. 

For example, for the last four months Lucas had been able to overcome his eating disorder. Not completely, he didn’t think he’d ever overcome it completely, but he was in a much healthier mindset now, thanks to Angelique and his friends and Eliott, and he really thought he might be able to make this last. There were still some daily struggles, mostly with his OCD and anxiety, but his medication did help, and so did therapy. 

His clothes fit him better too, he didn’t feel ashamed every time he looked in the mirror. Instead of seeing skin and bones he saw muscle, color in his cheeks, and less darkness under his eyes. He didn’t hate catching glimpses of himself anymore, and Eliott made jokes about his ass way too often, but he still appreciated the normalization of it all. 

He’d tried to do the same for Eliott, never be overbearing but provide support when Eliott had days that were too bad or too good, or maybe even a mix of the two. They’d fallen into a nice rhythm, the two of them, and their friends teased them endlessly for acting like a married couple. Lucas secretly warmed inside every time they said so, not that he’d ever admit it aloud. 

Eliott poked his head into the room, grinning ear to ear. “G’day mate,” he said in an exaggerated Australian accent, and Lucas’ stomach roiled over itself again. That was the newest development in the great story of Lucas and Eliott, their decision for their futures. It hadn’t been a precise thing, they’d just taken a map and spun around a few times with their eyes closed, pointing and seeing where their fingers might land. Australia, it seemed, was what the fates had decreed for them, and they were both more excited than they could put into words. 

They’d both used a weekend earlier in the spring to audition for the company, and they both made it, celebrating all night when they’d found out. Most of their friends were staying in Europe, it seemed, but Sofiane had also auditioned for the Australian Ballet and gotten in unbeknownst to any of them. It would be fun to be there with him though, Lucas and Eliott had rationalized, especially given the fact that Lucas was much closer with him now than he had been six months or a year ago.

Eliott frowned and entered the room, and Lucas realized he hadn’t responded. The truth was, he didn’t know how to. He’d gone with Manon and Daphné when they’d auditioned for the Royal Ballet for moral support, but they’d convinced him to audition last minute, and the call he’d just received had offered him a place in the Royal Ballet, should he want it. The bad thing, the thing that was making his heart beat rapidly and his stomach ache with unease, was that he did want it. More than Australia, despite all the plans he’d already made. 

Eliott tapped Lucas’ wrist with one finger, grounding him and drawing him back into the present moment. “Are you ok?” Eliott asked, voice coated in sweetness. 

Lucas nodded, then shook his head, then froze again, searching Eliott’s face for the right way to tell him that he wanted to go to London. Maybe it wasn’t too late for Eliott to audition, too.

“What’s wrong?” Eliott asked, sitting down on Lucas’ bed, probably still trying to gauge what Lucas was feeling. 

Lucas didn’t want to say anything, because if he said it, then that made it real. And he didn’t want it to be real. But he did. But he didn’t. He just really didn’t want to part ways with Eliott, but the more he thought about it, the more he knew London was where he belonged. 

“I was offered a contract for the Royal Ballet.” He wasn’t consciously aware of opening his mouth to speak, and judging by Eliott’s expression, maybe he hadn’t even spoken at all. He swallowed and opened his mouth, prepared to repeat, just in case, when Eliott sat back abruptly.

“I heard you.”

The softness in his voice wasn’t there anymore, and Lucas panicked internally. He never should have said anything, he never should have answered the call. If he didn’t know that he had a place in the Royal Ballet if he wanted it, he probably wouldn’t have wanted it, and he and Eliott could live out their Australian dreams together. They’d only chosen Australia because Lucas’ finger had landed on it on the map, Eliott probably hadn’t even wanted to go there in the first place. He shouldn’t have said anything, he shouldn’t have—

“Do you… want to accept?” Eliott’s words were slow, and Lucas still couldn’t get a read on him. 

Tears pricked the corners of Lucas’ eyes as he admitted, “I do.”

In an instant, any defenses Eliott had built up dropped completely. He pulled Lucas closer by his hands, desk chair rolling over to where Eliott was still seated on the bed. His eyes were open and understanding and Lucas was struck with the feeling that he didn’t deserve someone like Eliott. Eliott laced their fingers together.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” was his only question, which seemed justified but also way too mild a reaction. 

“I didn’t think I’d make it,” he answered honestly. His audition had been a mess, at least in terms of preparation. He’d probably danced fairly well, but he’d mostly done it because Manon and Daphné were excellent with peer pressure and he’d been too happy as of late to worry too much about it. He never really thought it was an option until it was one.

Eliott’s expression changed only in small amounts, the slight furrowing of his eyebrows or downturn of his mouth. “I didn’t even know you auditioned.”

Lucas shrugged helplessly. “Manon and Daphné convinced me, you know how they are. I  _ really _ didn’t think that it would matter, because I was almost entirely certain I wouldn’t get offered a contract.”

“But what about Australia?” 

What about Australia. That was the question, wasn’t it. “I wasn’t feigning enthusiasm, just so you know. Until like fifteen minutes ago I was all in,” Lucas said, knowing how bad it sounded regardless. 

Eliott dropped his head but didn’t drop Lucas’ hands. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I don’t know,” Lucas scrambled for an explanation, realizing that there wasn’t one. He should have just been honest from the start, then maybe Eliott would be going to the Royal Ballet with him. His voice took on a strained tone. “I really don’t have an answer.”

“I don’t want to go without you, but I would never forgive myself if I made you come with me,” Eliott admitted. 

“I want to be with you,” Lucas promised, “I just… I can’t explain it. When I was in London, I felt something inside my chest, a feeling that wouldn’t go away. I haven’t felt it in a long time, at least not in relation to ballet, and I think I’d be stupid not to chase it.”

“So, you’re sure, then, that you don’t… that you want to go to London?” Eliott confirmed. His head was still down, so Lucas couldn’t see his eyes and how they might be reacting. It didn’t seem right that he should be able to decide something so monumental so quickly, but maybe it was a sign that he was making the right choice. 

“We’ll still talk every day, right? And come home for the holidays, or visit each other here and there. And who knows, this probably won’t be forever, maybe I’ll realize I made the wrong decision and come running to Australia in a few months,” Lucas tried to joke, but part of him was serious. 

Eliott finally looked up at him, through his eyelashes. “Lucas, if you’re going to do this, you need to stop worrying about me, ok? Of course I’d rather be with you, but I’ll be fine, and so will you. Better than fine, because we’ll be living our dreams! Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right? Don’t go into this thinking about plans to fall back on, go into it as if this is  _ it _ . I don’t want you to live half a life on my account.”

“I can’t imagine sleeping without you,” Lucas said, taking in all of Eliott’s words and processing them to the best of his current ability. 

Eliott just shrugged, squeezing his hands. “Well then we’ll just have to make the most of the time we have left. Or I could print a pillowcase with my face on it for you to use in London.”

Lucas laughed, vocal chords still thick with unshed tears. “That’s not a terrible idea…”

“Wait, you have somewhere to live, right?” Eliott asked, just as the thought came into Lucas’ own mind. He did not, because he hadn’t been planning to be in London. 

“Well, the thing about that is…” Lucas trailed off, but Eliott simply rolled his eyes fondly. 

“We’re going to figure that out before anything else.”

“Eliott, you don’t have to—”

“I  _ want _ to,” Eliott reassured him, pulling him closer again until he was practically in Eliott’s lap and not on his chair anymore. Lucas leaned in, waiting to see if Eliott would respond, and he did, meeting Lucas for a short but emotion filled kiss. It told Lucas everything that he needed to know and let the anxiety ease its way out of his mind and out of his body. 

When they pulled away Lucas looked at Eliott with heavily hooded eyes. “I still love you as much as ever.”

“I know,” Eliott said, “I never thought you didn’t. Sometimes we have to do things for ourselves, though, even if we think they might hurt the people we love. Never choose me over yourself, Lucas, not when it comes to your happiness.” 

“But what about you? Did you even want to go to Australia? It’s so far away, and you don’t know anyone there, and—”

“Lucas, Australia still sounds fucking amazing to me, I promise. Plus, Sofiane will be there too. I need something completely new, I think, and what’s more new than Australia?” The usual light had returned to Eliott’s eyes, and Lucas finally allowed himself to exhale. Eliott went on about Australia and all the things he was excited for, and Lucas indulged him, even chiming in with a few things he was excited for in London. A nine hour time difference wasn’t ideal, but they’d both have completely different perspectives on the world at the same time, and that was kind of cool. In a sense, it was almost like they’d be living in different universes, bringing the multiverse theory to life. 

“Just don’t go falling in love with another Lucas,” Lucas said, wrapping his arms around Eliott’s neck. 

Eliott scoffed, like the statement had offended him. “I could never. Not in a million years or universes.”

So they kissed again, and Lucas breathed a little easier, excited for all the possibilities ahead of him and still overwhelmingly in love with the boy who’d urged him to chase new dreams even when the old ones would have made him happier. 

 

**1 YEAR LATER**

The winter wind nipped at Lucas’ cheeks, but he could hardly feel it, too hopped up on adrenaline. This was the first time he’d be seeing Eliott in person since he’d left for Australia, and he was so excited he could hardly sit still. They’d debated meeting back in Paris, but Eliott had wanted to experience Christmas in London and see Lucas’ new home of sorts, so that was what they had planned for. 

Eliott’s parents obviously wanted to see him as well, so he and Lucas would go back to Paris at the end of their holiday break from their respective companies and meet up with them as well as some of their other friends from school before Eliott left again for Australia and Lucas left again for London. They only had two weeks total, one in London, one in Paris, and Lucas planned on taking advantage of every single minute.

He’d been living with Manon and Daphné since they’d all moved to London and joined the Royal Ballet, which wasn’t as horrible as it sounded. They were still the cutest couple he knew (other than himself and Eliott, obviously) and living with two girls was much more organized than with Yann or Eliott over the years. They were spending the holidays back in Paris with Mika and Lisa, Manon and Lucas’ old flatmates, probably so they could visit with Emma, Imane, and Alexia as well. As far as he knew, Emma and Imane had stayed in Paris at the Paris Opera Ballet, and Alexia was attending university in the city as well. Imane and Emma had both been shocked to have been offered contracts in the company, but they deserved it. He was pretty sure Chloé and Sarah in their year had stayed in Paris as well, but everyone else had dispersed across the world. 

Yann had gone to Berlin, and he’d been loving it based on what he’d told Lucas. Lucas was also dying to see him, he’d gone far too long without best friend idiocy hours. Arthur, too, Lucas longed to see, but he wouldn’t have to wait as long. Arthur was supposed to meet him and Eliott in London for dinner later that night, choosing to spend the holidays in a city that didn’t remind him of things he’d rather forget. Lucas knew the feeling. He’d offered to have Arthur stay in the flat he shared with Manon and Daphné, since the two of them were gone, but Arthur had insisted on staying elsewhere with no explanation. He’d gone to the Dutch Ballet and was enjoying it quite well considering the fact he’d wanted to quit a year ago. Lucas felt like Arthur might have been keeping something from him, but he never pried, knowing Arthur would tell him when he was ready. Hopefully he wasn’t in love with Lucas again, but he didn’t think that was the case. 

Lucas had made some new friends too, while in London, though none of them compared to the ones he’d grown up dancing with. Noora, from Norway, was really close with Manon, and they were eerily similar in Lucas’ opinion. She’d originally gone to London to be with her boyfriend, and she’d considered quitting ballet for him, but in the end she realized that she was worth more than her relationship with him and if he didn’t support her dreams then she didn’t need him around. It seemed to have paid off, because Noora was only two years older than them but she was already a principal dancer in the company.

Daphné had been jealous of Manon and Noora for a while, but Noora had apparently been seeing a lot more of one of her old high school friends recently, Eva, and she’d enlisted Manon and Daphné’s help in winning her heart.

There was also Sander, who reminded Lucas a lot of Eliott, but with bleached blond hair. Sander was the most chaotic of their new friends, but Lucas appreciated that energy because the girls were overall too sensible for him. Well, other than Isa. She and Lucas had hit it off right off the bat and she kept claiming he reminded her of one of her friends back in the Netherlands and would have to introduce the two of them when he came to visit, which he was supposedly doing over the holidays. Lucas wouldn’t mind hanging out with them and Eliott, he thought Eliott would like Isa a lot, because there was no way not to like Isa.

“Excuse me, do you know where I might find my boyfriend?” someone said to Lucas’ left and immediately his heart started to flutter. He’d been so distracted he’d forgotten where he was and why he was there. 

He decided to play along. “What does he look like? A handsome French sort with dazzling eyes and a great ass?”

Looking Eliott in the eyes for the first time in six months was intoxicating, and Lucas could tell that Eliott felt the same way. They both stood there frozen, just looking at each other like they were the only two people in the world. Then Eliott snapped out of it. “I was going to say he kind of looks like a hedgehog, actually. Short… fluffy hair…”

He didn’t have the opportunity to finish, Lucas threw himself into Eliott’s arms and Eliott accepted him readily, pressing their lips together in what felt like the first kiss they’d ever shared. Maybe they looked a little dramatic, and maybe people were judging them, but Lucas didn’t care one bit. His soul had ached in Eliott’s absence, and now he felt whole again. 

“… but he  _ does _ have a great ass,” Eliott finished once they separated, goofy smile on his face.

“I love you so much,” Lucas said, not even embarrassed by the fact that he was on the verge of tears. 

Eliott’s hands brushed both sides of his face as he pulled Lucas closer to him, resting their foreheads together. “I love you too. I missed you so much— god, I don’t even know where to start.” 

“Let’s start with a nap,” Lucas suggested, leaning away and holding his hand out for Eliott to take. Eliott took it, and they started to walk away, Eliott dragging a suitcase behind him.

“I’m not that tired—” Eliott tried, but Lucas shook his head. 

“Three things. One, yes you are, jet lag is a bitch, two, I’m not about to have you fall asleep during dinner with Arthur later, and three, you have no idea how much I missed sleeping with you.” Lucas ticked off each one on his free hand, and Eliott raised his eyebrows suggestively. He blushed bright red. “I meant— you know what I meant.” He paused, growing redder still. “But that too.”

Needless to say, they made their way to Lucas’ flat much more quickly after that. 

 

——

 

Eliott looked much more well rested by the time they started walking to dinner, even though they really hadn’t slept that much. First he’d had to give Eliott the grand tour of the two bedroom flat he’d come to call home (well, not  _ first _ , first, they’d had some other business to attend to before that), and then they’d talked for quite a while, not even about ballet, just about life. 

It wasn’t like they hadn’t spoken nearly every day they’d been apart, but being there in person was entirely new and entirely the same all at once. They fell quickly back into old patterns and Lucas didn’t think his smile had left his face once, even while he slept tucked into Eliott’s side.

It was snowing while they walked, and Lucas had offered to pay for a cab, but Eliott insisted on walking, taking advantage of all the city had to offer. In such a short amount of time Lucas had really come to adore London. It didn’t compare to Paris, of course it didn’t, but he could see himself being happy there for a very long time. He didn’t want to say anything, but he’d secretly been harboring the fantasy of Eliott joining him there next year.

Eliott was wearing a beanie and his cheeks were pink from the cold, but his hand was laced through Lucas’ and his eyes were full of wonder like the cold was the last thing on his mind. He kept rambling about all the things he wanted to do while they were together and Lucas had barely responded, watching and listening with such adoration usually only reserved for puppies on Instagram. 

Two hands appeared over Lucas’ eyes and he laughed shortly until he realized it couldn’t have been Eliott, whose hand was still in his. His brows furrowed, but then he realized that if Eliott wasn’t freaking out there was only one person it could be. 

“Arthur?” he asked, and the hands fell from his eyes, the boy in question jumping around to stand right in front of him. 

“Lulu!” They both broke into wide grins meeting halfway for a tight hug. Arthur and Eliott hugged afterwards, with only a little bit less enthusiasm. Lucas wondered briefly how many people from school Eliott had kept in touch with. 

“How have you two been?” Arthur asked, falling into step beside them.

Eliott and Lucas shared a glance, deciding how to answer and who was going to answer first. Eliott raised his eyebrows, and Lucas spoke. “Better now that we’re together.”

“Ugh, did not miss you two being all sappy and gross, that’s for sure,” Arthur said, pretending to gag. They entered the restaurant, Lucas catching a curly brown haired boy’s eye as they did. 

Lucas looked away from the boy who was still looking at them, rolling his eyes at Arthur. Eliott teased, nudging Arthur’s side, “Aww, we’ll find you a Lucas someday, then we’ll complain about how gross and sappy  _ you _ are.”

To Lucas’ surprise, Arthur flushed bright red, blinking rapidly. His eyes caught on something over Lucas’ shoulder. “About that—”

He was cut off by the same boy Lucas had just locked eyes with clearing his throat and blushing either from the cold or from something else entirely. Lucas looked at him, then at Eliott, then back at him, but he was no longer paying attention to Lucas or Eliott. 

“I was wondering when you’d get here,” the boy said in a soft voice, to Arthur. Arthur was still bright red but his eyes held a gleam of joy. 

“Here I am,” he said, and both boys grinned stupidly. Eliott and Lucas exchanged another glance, this one with wide eyes. 

The boy took a small step closer to Arthur. “There you are.”

Lucas felt like he was encroaching on something and briefly wondered if this was how other people felt about being around him and Eliott. Of course, he could have been reading into things… but nope, the boy with the curly hair just kissed Arthur and Arthur looked like he’d made it to heaven and was never coming back down. 

Eliott cleared his throat softly, more to remind Arthur and the boy of their presence than to intrude on something intimate. Both boys turned to them with wide eyes, the curly haired boy looking happy and open and Arthur’s expression shifting to something more nervous. 

“This is my boyfriend, Lucas,” Arthur said, eyes looking everywhere but Lucas and Eliott. 

Lucas broke into a wide grin that he tried to downplay for the other boy’s sake. “Nice to meet you, what’s your name?” Lucas asked. 

Arthur looked at him with exasperation. “Lucas.”

“What?” Lucas demanded defensively. Was it so weird to ask someone’s name? 

Arthur’s boyfriend laughed, shaking his head. “No, my name, it’s Lucas, Lucas Van der Heijden. I assume you’re the famous  _ other _ Lucas I’ve heard so much about?”

Lucas shut his eyes in embarrassment, trying to figure out how to not look like an idiot from here on out. “Fuck, sorry. Yeah, I’m other Lucas, and this is my boyfriend, Eliott.”

Other Lucas, who Lucas decided he was going to refer to in his head as VDH so he wouldn’t confuse himself, had an accent that sounded vaguely familiar, though Lucas couldn’t quite place it. Just as Lucas was about to inquire into VDH a bit more, the host gestured for them to follow to a table. Lucas met Arthur’s eyes with a look that said,  _ You are not off the hook for not telling me _ , and Arthur levelled him with one that said,  _ Sure, Mr. I dated Eliott in secret for months while we all lived and danced together _ . Which, fair enough. 

They sat in a booth, Eliott and Lucas across from VDH and Arthur, and Eliott asked the question that was on Lucas’ mind. “So how and when did you guys meet?”

“We dance together, Luc is in the Dutch Ballet as well,” Arthur answered, and Lucas smiled slightly at the nickname use. It was like when Eliott called him Lu, so intoxicating and so intimate all at once. 

VDH nodded, grinning at Arthur. “I’m from the Netherlands, so I graciously introduced him to all the best things our country has to offer.”

Ah, so that’s where the accent was from, and he recognized it because of Isa. “One of my friends at the Royal Ballet is from the Netherlands,” Lucas said, trying to relate in any way he could. He liked VDH so far, but he was always scared of new conversations with new people. 

VDH perked up. “Oh, really? That’s awesome, I have a friend here too. That’s why we’re here, actually, I wanted to visit her here for the holidays and Arthur wanted to visit you, so voila.” That answered the question of where Arthur was staying. 

“How’d she end up in London?” Eliott asked, thanking the server who supplied them with menus and glasses of water.

“Same as Lucas, she’s in the Royal Ballet,” Arthur answered.

“Isa Keijser?” Lucas asked at the same time VDH said, “Isa Keijser? I don’t know if you know her.”

They stared at each other for a minute, then burst out laughing. “You must be the French dumbass she’s always talking about, then,” VDH said with half a grin, and Lucas scoffed. 

“She could very well be talking about Manon or Daphné,” he argued, and Eliott levelled him with a stare. He rolled his eyes, cracking a small smile. “But, yeah, she was probably talking about me. She’s told me about you too, actually, she just never referred to you by name.”

“It would be so her style to intentionally not tell you my name to confuse us when and if we met for the first time,” VDH sighed fondly. Lucas laughed, nodding in agreement. The waiter returned and Lucas realized he hadn’t looked at the menu. Truthfully, he wasn’t very hungry, but he wasn’t about to say anything when Eliott and Arthur were there and that was the entire reason they’d met up. 

He wasn’t slipping into old habits, he was fine. Things had just been so busy leading up to the holidays and he’d been missing Eliott extra and food was never something he’d paid enough attention to. Ok, maybe he  _ was _ slipping back into old habits, but he had it under control. Now that Eliott was there, he already felt better. 

Regardless, he ordered something random off the menu, knowing that Eliott would probably like it if he didn’t, and tuned back into the conversations being had. Eliott was telling Arthur and VDH about Australia, about the places he’d been and the people he’d met. Apparently Sofiane had hit it off immediately with two dancers from Germany, Mohammed and Amira. He said Amira reminded him of a slightly softer but no less badass version of Imane, something Sofiane likely noticed too. Eliott had hit it off with an Italian boy named Niccolo, who he’d told Lucas about already. He wasn’t a dancer, but he was a piano accompanist and he composed music in his free time. Lucas had joked that Niccolo would replace him as the composer for Polaris and Eliott had assured him that could never happen, not in a million years. Even though Lucas had been mostly joking, it warmed his heart to know that Polaris was still their thing. Shay was another one of Eliott’s friends in Australia, from America, and Lucas had met her over Facetime a few times. She reminded him of himself in some ways, kind of like Manon and Noora, and he really wanted to meet her when he visited Eliott. 

Lucas was surprised but glad to see a new light in Arthur’s eyes as he talked about dancing in the Dutch Ballet, and Lucas could tell that Arthur was a little surprised by it himself. Arthur had found a completely random flat when he’d moved to the Netherlands, and his roommates, Liv and Ralph, were already friends with VDH, so they’d been forced to hang out quite often. Apparently VDH was practically the star of their company, but Arthur had given him a run for his money. Instead of turning it into a rivalry, they’d slowly become friends, then more, and the rest was history. Lucas knew who Liv was, vaguely, because Isa talked about her friend Liv a lot and he assumed this had to be the same person. It was crazy, how small of a world it was that they lived in.                   

Their conversations flowed nicely the rest of the time they sat at the restaurant, and Lucas pretended not to notice the small looks Eliott was giving him all night. He didn’t know what it was all about, but he figured Eliott would tell him later when they were alone. 

He was glad that Arthur had found someone— his own Lucas if you will— that made him feel like the best version of himself all the time. Sure, he didn’t necessarily need it, but he deserved it. He supposed he’d never have to wonder again if another universe Lucas and another universe Arthur had ended up together, because somehow they had in this one. Maybe VDH was a parallel version of Lucas, wouldn’t that be something. 

After what might have been anywhere between two and four hours, Lucas noticed Eliott’s eyes starting to droop and they decided to call it a night, promising to hang out together again before Eliott and Lucas left for Paris. Once they parted ways, Lucas tucked himself close into Eliott’s side and started going on about VDH, Arthur, and VDH and Arthur. He paused when he realized Eliott wasn’t responding. 

“Is everything ok?” he asked. Maybe Eliott was just tired, he rationalized. 

Eliott looked at him, face serious, voice casual. “You barely ate anything.”

Lucas’ heart dropped to his stomach. He should have known Eliott would notice those things. It hadn’t been intentional, it really hadn’t, he just didn’t have an appetite. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” Lucas said, “But I’m not— I’m still doing good, I promise.”

“Lucas…” Eliott started, but Lucas cut him off.

“I  _ promise _ , Eliott. Ok? I just get distracted by conversation when we eat, you know that.” He was vaguely aware that he sounded a bit like he was pleading, which didn’t bode well for him. 

Eliott sighed, stopping to turn and face him head on. “I just want to make sure that you’re ok. You’re the most important person to me, and I worry about you even when I know I shouldn’t.”

Lucas stepped closer so they were toe to toe. “I worry about you too. It’s the nature of caring, to worry, but I believe in you, and I know that you can handle whatever life throws your way, you’re too strong not to. I need you to think the same of me.”

“I do, Lucas, but—” Eliott cut himself off, intwining his pointer fingers with Lucas’. He continued, “I trust you. And I believe in you. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, I know you can handle whatever life throws at you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish you didn’t have to, you know?”

Lucas did know. He’d known it since he’d come to Eliott’s house and found him curled into a ball on his bed looking like he never wanted to leave. If he could make it so Eliott only ever experience the good in life, he would do it in a heartbeat. He nodded. “I know.”

“I just love you too much to ever want to see you anything less than one hundred percent happy, which I know is a stupid dream, and I do love when you’re a grumpy little shit too, but you deserve the world even though you have a habit of forgetting that,” Eliott said. 

Lucas closed his eyes, letting the winter wind settle across his face and letting Eliott’s words be imprinted in his mind. “I love you,” he said.

“I love you too.”

“Now why don’t we go home, and I’ll make us both a big blueberry-bacon muffin filled breakfast tableau tomorrow morning,” Lucas suggested, ghosting his lips close to Eliott’s. Eliott smiled leaning in ever so slightly.

“That sounds amazing, love,” he agreed, leaning in further, and Lucas pulled back. 

He squinted. “Love?”

“When in London,” Eliott said with a dopey grin and a shrug, and Lucas kissed him senseless right there in the middle of the street. Everything was how it should be. 

 

**18 MONTHS LATER**

Lucas was panicking. None of it had been intentional, but he’d skipped over a month of therapy sessions and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten an actual meal, and it was starting to show. He wasn’t quite where he’d been in his last year of school, but he was pretty close. He’d ridden the high of seeing Eliott for a week or two after the holidays, but then they’d started casting and rehearsal for a new show and even though he was just in the corps rehearsals were a million times more taxing than they had been at school and he felt himself slipping ever so slightly day by day without Eliott there to ground him. It didn’t help that Eliott had seemingly forgotten about him, Facetime conversations going from daily to weekly to whenever they could find time. He knew Eliott was busy with his show as well, but it still stung to not hear from him for days on end.

He’d wanted to tell Eliott about everything that was going on inside his mind to try to find some clarity, but he didn’t want their first real conversation in almost a month to be about something so negative. So, he got better at hiding things again, feeling ashamed for doing so but having no intention of stopping. He wouldn’t see Eliott in person for a little while anyway, so all he had to do was get himself back on track by then and he’d never have to own up to the fact that he’d been faking happiness for a few months.

Manon had noticed, and she’d tried to talk to him, but when he didn’t want to talk there was nothing she, or anyone (besides Eliott) could do to make him. Still, she was watching him closely, and he knew that she’d intervene if things got too bad again. 

It was Saturday, so he had a day off and had planned on spending it in bed watching tv and trying to forget that Eliott had cancelled their Facetime date for that day, even though he didn’t have rehearsals on weekends either.

The buzzer to the flat rang and Lucas rolled his eyes, wondering if Daphné had forgotten her keys again. “Manon, the door,” he yelled, receiving no response. Groaning, he got out of bed as the buzzer rang again, peeking his head into Manon and Daphné’s room and finding it empty. He didn’t know when Manon had left, but cursed her for making him get out of bed, especially if it was because she and Daphné had  _ both _ forgotten their keys. 

He pressed the button to let them in, unlocking the door to their unit and hoping they would just walk right in instead of waiting for him to open that one too. Just as he reached his bedroom door, there was a knock, and he groaned again, yelling, “It’s open!”

A muffled voice came from the other side of the door. “Special delivery for Lucas Lallemant!” 

Lucas froze, because he recognized that voice. Even though he might have been hallucinating, he ran to the door as fast as his feet would carry him, throwing it open and finding Eliott on the other side, a bouquet of flowers in hand. His smile was so bright that it nearly brought Lucas to tears and Lucas launched himself into Eliott’s arms, pulling him into the flat. 

Eliott threw the flowers onto the table before fully hugging Lucas back, stiffening once he did. Lucas pulled away, confused. “Everything ok?”

Eliott looked down at him, face pale, then blinked a few times and forced a smile. “Yeah, of course.”

Lucas smiled, lacing his arms around Eliott’s neck. “What are you doing here?”

“I missed you,” Eliott said with a shrug, “Wanted to surprise you.”

Lucas’ heart melted as he buried his face in Eliott’s chest. Eliott continued, “I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend recently. I’m really sorry about it, and I wanted to make it up to you. I can’t stay long because of rehearsals, but I wanted to make sure you know that you’re still the most important person in my life.”

“I missed you so much,” Lucas said, holding Eliott tighter than ever. “Want to…” He trailed off suggestively, nodding to his bedroom. Eliott’s face turned red but his eyes were bright with longing and desire. 

“Of course,” Eliott responded, and that was all Lucas needed to crash their lips together, stumbling across the flat until they made it into his room, slamming the door shut behind them in case Manon or Daphné arrived while they were occupied. 

Lucas pulled off Eliott’s shirt, peppering kisses down his neck and his torso, making Eliott’s breaths ragged. Eliott’s fingers fiddled with the bottom of Lucas’s shirt and Lucas grinned into another kiss, allowing them to separate only long enough to remove his own shirt. He moved to pull Eliott back in for a kiss when Eliott stopped him, same wide eyed anxious look he’d had on his face moments earlier. 

Lucas frowned folding their hands together, and Eliott wrenched them apart, leaving Lucas to go sit on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands. Lucas didn’t know what was wrong, what had changed. When Eliott finally looked at him, his eyes were red, like he was on the verge of tears.

“You told me everything was fine,” Eliott said, “You told me not to worry, and that you’d tell me if there ever was a problem.”

Lucas froze where he stood, understanding more clearly the cause of Eliott’s current distance. He picked his shirt up off the floor and put it back on, wrapping his arms around his body as if that would do anything to cover it. “There isn’t a problem,” he tried, but Eliott shook his head, devastation turning to anger. 

“Lucas there’s barely anything left of you.”

Lucas shook his head, sitting down next to Eliott and reaching for one of his hands. Eliott pulled away, looking betrayed. 

“How long has this been going on again? It’s been this way since Christmastime, right? Maybe even before?” Eliott broke off, putting his head in his hands again. “You don’t trust me, is that it? Lucas don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?”

“Maybe it isn’t about you!” Lucas said angrily, and Eliott blinked up at him in shock. That was a lie, a little bit of it was about Eliott, but he wouldn’t give Eliott that satisfaction of thinking he was the only thing in Lucas’ world.

Eliott’s voice turned pleading. “Lu, don’t you see that I’m just upset because I care about you?”

“I know that you do.” Lucas ran a hand through his hair, sobs bubbling up in his chest and begging to break free. Eliott looked at him, really looked at him, and the dam broke wide open. “I just feel so alone. I have so many people here that I really like, but none of them are you, none of them are Yann or Arthur or Basile or Imane. I have Manon, but she has Daphné, and every time I see them, I think of you. But I don’t even have you, not really, because you have a beautiful amazing life without me, and I’m just the fucking mess of a boy you stupidly fell in love with. I’m good, but I’m not good enough. I was only ever good enough for you and that’s not even true anymore. The only thing you do is worry about me, I can see it in your eyes, and that’s not a relationship. Maybe you do have reason to worry, but I don’t feel like a real person when that’s all I see when I look at you. Worry, worry, worry. I’m not a child, I’m an adult, and yeah, I’m fucked up on so many levels that you probably should worry, but I also fear I’m never going to get better until people  _ stop fucking worrying _ . You care about me, you care about me, you all  _ fucking _ care about me, but I’m always the problem.”

Eliott’s arms wrapped around Lucas as he sobbed, spilling tears onto Eliott’s shirt. It was a new shirt, Lucas noticed, and for some reason that made him cry harder. “I’m tired, Eliott, I’m so tired, because I never sleep anymore, and I feel like I’m dying all the time. I don’t want to die, but I think I might and I don’t know how to stop it from happening.”

“Lucas, Lucas, look at me.” Eliott’s eyes were wide and wild as he held Lucas’ face in his hands. “You’re not dying. I won’t let that happen, ok? I could never let that happen. I’m not— ok, maybe I am a little bit worried about you, but I promise it comes from a place of love. I try to live minute by minute, like you told me when I was diagnosed, and I want you to keep trying to do that too. In this minute, how about we breathe, ok?”

Lucas nodded, infinitesimally, tears still streaking down his face. Eliott breathed in deeply, and Lucas followed, feeling his eyes water and his mouth wobble even as he did so. Eliott kept his hands on Lucas’ face, breathing out and waiting for Lucas to follow. They did that a couple more times, until Lucas’ heart rate was back to normal even if slow tears were still falling.  

“Lucas,” Eliott said, dropping his hands to Lucas’ hands. “I don’t love you because I have to, I love you because I want to, and I choose to every day.”

Lucas shook his head. “You say that but—”

“Lucas. I love you. There are no buts.”

Lucas sniffed, clenching Eliott’s hands in his. “I was so happy. I was doing so good.”

“We all have setbacks. Healing takes time, and in that time we’re allowed moments of weakness, because they only make us stronger going forward.” He paused, looking like he had more to say but didn’t want to say it. “I, um, had a depressive episode, a little while back. When I stopped responding like I usually did. I remembered you talking about not wanting to worry, and I figured it would pass because I was taking my medication and going to therapy, but it didn’t pass for a long time. I still feel like I might not be back to one hundred percent, but I knew the only way to get there was to see you again, so here I am.”

Lucas blinked in surprise He’d never even considered… he felt like an idiot. “You have no right to be mad at me for not telling you things, then.” He’d forgotten that he got a bit too defensive when confronted with his own faults.

Instead of rising to Lucas’ defensiveness, Eliott crumbled. “I know. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you, its just I— I’m a bad person, a bad boyfriend,  _ I _ know that, but I never wanted you to.”

“Eliott you’re neither of those things.”

“Neither are you.”

“Eliott.”

“Lucas.”

They looked at each other earnestly, honestly, seeing more than what was on the surface for the first time in far too long. It was easy to get swept away by love and longing when they were only together for a short amount of time, easy to put aside the hurt and the pain and let themselves feel loved, but in reality they were two lost boys still trying to find a way to live in a world that was determined to break them down to nothing. 

“I know things have to change,” Lucas said, because now that Eliott was there, he did. He couldn’t stand the broken look in Eliott’s eyes when he’d realized Lucas was back to who he’d been a year and a half ago. He continued, “But I can’t count on you, on  _ us _ , to make that change.”

Eliott furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“I need to learn how to come back from this on my own.”

Eliott’s face hardened. “What does  _ that _ mean?”

“I don’t know.” He truly didn’t know. The last thing he ever wanted to do not be with Eliott, but it wasn’t like they were really together at the present time anyway, and clearly he couldn’t cope properly with that. “I think maybe I have to stop being so dependent on you to make everything better.”

“Lucas—” Eliot sounded confused, and Lucas couldn’t blame him. “You’re anything  _ but _ dependent on me. Sometimes I wish you needed me a bit more, because being there for you is one of my favorite things.”

“I am too dependent, though, because I can’t function properly without you around. Maybe it has nothing to do with you at all, but I need to figure that all out on my own. I learned to love myself a little more with you, but I need to learn to love myself without you, do you understand? I hate myself so much, all the time, but you put those rose colored glasses on my eyes that make me not see it for a little while. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a great thing, actually, but you’re in Australia, and I’m in London, for who knows how long, and I don’t want to always have to count on other people to bring me back to a healthy state of mind, I want to be able to do it myself, or at least realize when things are getting bad and feel comfortable reaching out.” He was spewing words without thinking about them, but he realized they were all true. 

Eliott bit his lip. “So where do I— where do  _ we _ fit into all of this, then?”

It hurt Lucas more than anything, and he regretted the words before they even left his mouth, but he knew it was the right thing to say. “I don’t think we do, at least not right now.”

“But Lucas…” Eliott’s face crumbled and Lucas felt pain twist in his chest like never before. “You’re my forever.”

“You’re mine too,” Lucas said, urgency in his voice. He meant it, he really did. He’d never love anyone like Eliott, and he didn’t want to. “We might just have to put a pause on forever until I figure out who I am on my own.”

Eliott dropped Lucas’ hands, and the loss was felt by both of them instantly. Lucas stammered over his words, feeling sobs bubble in his chest again. “I- I don’t expect you to wait for me. You have so much love to give, and I don’t want you wasting it on me. You’re free to find a new forever, if you want.”

“I could never,” Eliott said, shaking his head. His voice was thick, but he looked more certain than ever. “You’re my  _ forever _ , Lucas, I can wait as long as you need me to. I want to.”

It went against every bit of his better judgement, but he couldn’t help himself, he pulled Eliott into him and their lips met in a searing, sorrowful kiss. It tasted like tears on both ends but neither of them cared much. Lucas knew he was making the right decision, but it hurt so badly and he just wanted to ease the pain, if only for a moment. He could tell Eliott felt the same, so when Eliott lifted Lucas’ shirt, he gave in willingly, undoing Eliott’s jeans and finishing what they’d put on hold. He hoped dearly it wasn’t the last time, that it was just a  _ goodbye for now _ , but if it was the end, at least they went out with a bang. 

 

**2 YEARS LATER**

Paris looked as beautiful as it always did, but Lucas was seeing it with new eyes. The last six months had been a lot, mentally and emotionally, but as he looked out at the city he knew so well, he knew that it had all been worth it. Sure, presently he was only seeing it through a few windows, but after a few more papers, a few more signatures, and he’d be back to the hustle and bustle of everyday life, and he finally felt ready to tackle it. 

He’d been more of a mess than usual after Eliott’s impromptu visit from Australia, even though their decision to pause things between them had been Lucas’ idea. Fortunately for him, Manon had enough and forced him to make changes for real. He started going back to therapy, but it wasn’t enough, and he made the painful decision to put his career on hold to get his life back on track and checked himself into a facility in Paris that specialized in eating disorder recovery. Paris had been the only option for him, really, because no matter how much he loved London, his heart was in the city he’d called home for eighteen years. 

It had been hell at first, and he’d regretted every choice he’d made since Eliott’s visit, maybe even before then, but as the days turned into weeks and then into months, he knew that he’d made the right decision. He kept up with his ballet, giving himself private lessons in his room during free time because fucked up or not, he was still planning on dancing as long as humanly possible. He’d kept in touch with all of his friends, but particularly Manon, Yann, and Arthur, and that had really pulled him through a lot of hard times. He hadn’t spoken to Eliott since he’d left Lucas’ flat in London for the last time, and though he ached to, a part of him was fearful that Eliott had forgotten him, left him like people in his life always tended to do.

He wasn’t allowed his own phone while in treatment, so he couldn’t even check Eliott’s social media to see what he was up to in Australia, if he was doing ok or not, so he tried his best not to think about it. Of course, Eliott had been one of the many things he’d talked about in therapy sessions, but all of it had only made him realize that Eliott truly was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

It hadn’t ever been a doubt, not really, but Lucas felt comfortable enough in where he was and who he was that he knew he wouldn’t place all his value into solely his relationship or ballet ever again. He was a pretty great person, it turned out, it had just taken him nineteen years to realize it. 

He was handed his phone back, and he turned it on for the first time in months, bombarded by a barrage of notifications. He deleted most of them, knowing they’d been sent before the senders had known where he was and that he didn’t have use of his phone. Thankfully, he had no messages from his father. He hadn’t been expecting it, he hadn’t heard from him since before his last year at school, when he’d caused him to have a breakdown in front of Manon, leading to Lucas’ summer in the colloc, but there was still that fear that one day he might try to reenter Lucas’ life and make it hell. 

There were messages from Eliott, a lot of them, as well as some missed calls and voicemails, but Lucas couldn’t bring himself to look at any of them. He knew that he should have told Eliott where he was going, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to. He knew Eliott would support him in something drastic as this, but he also hadn’t wanted that pity, that worry that had prompted all this in the first place. 

“Lucas?” the receptionist said, and he realized she’d been trying to get his attention. 

He blinked and smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry, um, yes?”

“You’re free to go,” she said with a warm smile that he couldn’t help but return. He hadn’t felt this kind of happiness since the show, his final year of school, and this happiness had nothing to do with anyone other than himself, which made it better than anything he’d ever experienced. He was sure there would be more moments throughout his life to top this one, and that this one might pale in comparison to other memories over time, but this feeling, this moment, was all his own.

It was all his own, but in realizing that he realized that it didn’t have to be all his own, that he wanted to share it, because he knew that it wouldn’t diminish the joy he felt on his own. He wanted to share it with Eliott, but he couldn’t because Eliott was in Australia, and Eliott probably thought Lucas didn’t love him anymore. 

Well, he’d share it with Imane, then. Since she was still in Paris, he’d called her the week before to see if he could stay with her until he found his footing wherever he was off to next, and she’d readily agreed, only hesitation being that she was living with Idriss currently, and Idriss still spoke to Eliott frequently. It wouldn’t be a problem, he’d assured her, because he did plan on reaching out to Eliott again, hopefully pressing play and picking up where they left off. That was, if he wasn’t too much of a coward to do so. 

He pushed open the doors and breathed in the fresh, winter air. It was nearly Christmas, and there was a very thin layer of snow dusting the pavement, something that didn’t happen very often, and Lucas felt like it was there just for him. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back to the sky, smiling despite everything that he still needed to do to get himself fully back on track. In this one minute, he didn’t have a care in the world. 

He opened his eyes, gazing up at the sky for a minute and all the stars dotting it, seeing his breath in the air as he exhaled before he dropped his eyes back to what was in front of him and stepping back into the real world. 

Just as he took the first step, his eyes caught on someone at the end of the sidewalk, leaning against a streetlight like they were exactly where they were meant to be. It couldn’t be— he had no way of knowing where Lucas was and when he was getting out… Lucas took a few hesitant steps, breath catching in his throat as he took in the sight of Eliott Demaury, grinning ear to ear like his Christmas wishes had just come true in front of his eyes. 

Seeing Eliott there, smiling like he was, Lucas couldn’t stop his own smile from overtaking his face, walking quicker and quicker to the man of his dreams. “Eliott, how did you— what are you—”

He didn’t have a chance to finish, because Eliott met him in a few long strides, cupping his face with both hands and kissing him so hard he saw stars. He kissed Eliott back, wondering briefly if he was dreaming. 

“Lucas, I love you so much,” was the first thing Eliott said when they broke apart, foreheads resting together like they did so often. They swayed there together for a minute, neither one of them speaking, dancing to the music of their souls finding their way back to one another. 

“I love you too, Eliott, I love you too.” Lucas was crying, but these were tears of pure joy, pure love, and they both could see it. “You look great,” he said, because Eliott did, there wasn’t a day that he didn’t.

“You look better,” Eliott countered, and Lucas laughed, a loud joyous sound. 

“I am,” he agreed, “Better, that is. I’m sorry for everything, for not telling you where I was going, for not calling, for suggesting we pause in the first place—”

“Hey,” Eliott cut him off, running his thumbs up and down Lucas’ cheekbones. “You have nothing to apologize for. Look at me, look how happy I am. It’s all because of you, because I get to see you, hold you, love you, and wait for you, even if I wasn’t entirely sure you wanted me to.” 

He was happy, Lucas could see it, there wasn’t a hint of worry in his face, even though there was plenty of reason for there to be. It made Lucas feel a little lighter, smile a little brighter. Fuck him, even his thoughts were coming out in stupid rhymes now. 

“Thank you for waiting,” Lucas said genuinely, because if he couldn’t apologize he could at least show his gratitude. 

“It was my pleasure,” Eliott said, “Now come on, let’s go home.”

He stuck a hand out for Lucas to take, and Lucas obliged with a beaming smile. “Home?” he asked, but Eliott just raised an eyebrow, planting a kiss on his forehead. 

 

—— 

 

Home, it seemed, was the house of Harold and Caroline Demaury, a place Lucas hadn’t visited since Eliott was diagnosed two years ago. The year before when they’d visited Paris, he and Eliott had stayed with Imane and Idriss, visiting with his parents for dinner but nothing beyond that. He texted Imane about his change of plans and she told him that she already knew, but her flat was open to him anytime in case he had a change of heart. This partially answered some of Lucas’ questions about how Eliott had known where he was and why he was there, but there were still more answers he’d need before the night was up.

Harold and Caroline welcomed him like their own son, and Lucas wondered what Eliott had told them about why Lucas was in Paris, or if he’d told them anything at all. It wasn’t very late, but Lucas was a bit exhausted so he didn’t engage much in conversation. Eliott picked up on this, eyes softening with understanding as he placed his hand on Lucas’ leg. 

“Mom, Dad, is it ok if we call it quits for the night?” he asked, smiling earnestly.

“Oh, of course. You two must be tired. Let me know if you need anything at all,” she said, warmth evident in her voice. Lucas and Eliott stood to leave the room, and she spoke up again. “And Lucas? I’m glad to have you back here, and know that you’re welcome anytime.”

He smiled, feeling Eliott’s hand slip into his. “Thank you, Caroline. It means a lot.”

They walked the short distance to Eliott’s bedroom in silence, hand in hand. Lucas didn’t know what he should be feeling at the moment, but he mostly just felt happy. Maybe that was wrong, maybe he should have waited before jumping back into the life he’d put on pause, but it felt right being there with Eliott and his parents.

Lucas tried to speak, but Eliott cut him off by throwing a hoodie his way, raising his eyebrows as he changed out of his own clothes into more comfortable ones. Most of Lucas’ things were still in London, actually, he hoped Manon and Daphné hadn’t gotten rid of them or gotten a roommate to take his place just yet. They’d assured him he needn’t worry about the rent while he was away, but he was a bit worried regardless. 

Eliott was wearing a simple pair of sweatpants and a red t shirt Lucas recognized as one of his, but he didn’t say anything because he wasn’t even sure if that fact had registered with Eliott. They both crawled into bed, Lucas in Eliott’s hoodie and his underwear, but they had no intention of sleeping just yet. They needed to talk, and most of their best talks happened in hushed whispers, faces nearly pressed together sharing the same pillow. 

“How did you know where I was? And when I was leaving?” Lucas asked before Eliott had a chance to say anything. 

“I still talk to people from school too, you know,” Eliott said, then, “Imane told me, she thought I’d want to know, please don’t be mad at her.”

Lucas shook his head. “I’m not mad at her.” He didn’t say anything else, trying to figure out  _ what _ to say. That question had been answered, but did he even have any more? Should he apologize for leaving Eliott in the dark for so long? 

“Was this presumptuous of me?” Eliott asked, voice strained. 

Lucas furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“Was it presumptuous of me to be there, to think you wanted me to be there?” Eliott’s voice was small, like he was scared of the answer. 

Lucas looked at him a little more closely mapping out the face of the only person he’d ever loved, at least in such an eternal way. Before he could answer, Eliott continued, “I just wanted you to know that of all the people that have left in your life, I’ll never be one of them. I know that ‘for better or for worse’ is a marriage vow, but I’m in it with you one hundred percent, for better or for worse. Even if the worse requires a little time apart to figure things out, know that I’ll always be rooting for you, and that I’ll wait for you no matter how long we’re apart.”

Lucas placed his hand on the side of Eliott’s face, and Eliott melted into the touch, closing his eyes instinctively. “It wasn’t presumptuous of you.”

Eliott’s hand rested on top of his on Eliott’s cheek and all Lucas felt was warmth. “I thought about it a lot, what I would do and say when I saw you again, because I’ve fucked up so many times by now that I figured I’d owe you a million apologies if you even wanted to see me at all. But then, when I saw you there, I realized that all I wanted was you and that I wasn’t going to stand in my own way anymore. I know who I am without you now, and I’m comfortable with that person, but I don’t think that it’s a bad thing to love myself a little bit more when I’m with you, because it only shows how much love I’m capable of giving. I’m in a better place than I’ve ever been, and I can’t thank you enough for allowing me the time to figure out a lot of the shit that’s been circulating in my head longer than I can remember. I’ve had time to heal on my own, but I’m ready for the beginning of the rest of my life, a life with you by my side. If you still want to be there, that is.”

Eliott opened his eyes. “Of course I do. Of course I want to be there. I love you exponentially, remember?”

“I love you exponentially,” Lucas repeated in a whisper, allowing himself a smile at the memories of laying exactly like this but under entirely different circumstances. He looked at their hands, then into Eliott’s eyes. “I do too, I love you exponentially. Even when I was figuring things out, that stayed the same, me loving you more and more every day.”

“Can I kiss you?” Eliott asked, and Lucas nodded.

“Yes.” 

A soft, gentle press of the lips was all it was, nothing like the whirlwind kiss they’d swept each other up in earlier, but it was the perfect kiss in the perfect moment. Maybe the universe was on their side, after all, if it had all led to where they were in that specific instance. 

“What are you going to do about ballet?” Eliott asked, and Lucas was glad he hadn’t avoided the topic. It was Lucas’ second love, after all. 

“I can’t go back to the Royal Ballet, even though I really did enjoy it there,” Lucas confessed with a sigh. Truthfully, he didn’t want to. He felt he’d worn out his time in London, but was grateful for it nonetheless.

Eliott trailed one hand up and down his spine idly, an action that Lucas found to be quite comforting. “There’s a new director at the Paris Opera Ballet, you know.”

Lucas didn’t know. “What?”

Eliott nodded. “There have been a lot of changes, actually, according to Imane. Most of them for the better.”

“Oh?” Lucas really didn’t want to get any of his hopes up, but he wanted to return home more than anything. It was a bit ironic, that he loved this city so much considering all he’d been through in it, but it also contained most of his happiest memories and greatest moments of healing.

“I think I’m going to audition,” Eliott said, “That’s part of why I came back here, other than for you.”

Lucas blinked at him. “Really? What about Australia?”

“Australia’s fine. But it’s not Paris, and you’re not there.” 

“Don’t make your decisions around me—”

Eliott huffed out a small laugh. “All due respect, Lucas, but don’t even start with me. It’s been a year and a half since we left, and all I’ve thought about is how much I want to come home, yes, to you, but also to Paris, my friends, my family. I had Sofiane but it wasn’t enough. This is where I’m meant to be, I know it now.”

“I think this is where I’m meant to be too,” Lucas admitted, “I think I’ve always known, in my heart.”

Eliott swallowed, and Lucas watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “I was also thinking… I don’t really want to live with my parents if I come back here.”

“Understandable,” Lucas agreed with a small laugh, and Eliott’s traced the lines it left on his face. 

“I was wondering if you’d want to get a flat with me, if you’re sure you’d like to be here in Paris?” Eliott asked, and Lucas’ smile faltered. 

“Are you serious?” 

Eliott nodded, then backtracked, “Unless you think it’s too soon, or you need more time, or—”

“Hey,” Lucas cut Eliott off, lacing his fingers through his hair. He pulled Eliott’s face closer to his, kissing him gently. “I’d love to get a flat with you.”

Eliott’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

“Really,” Lucas promised with a smile. “We make quite the roommate duo, if I remember correctly.”

Eliott laughed, a sound that Lucas wanted to capture in a jar and keep with him forever. “That we do.”

Somewhere in the distance, church bells rang, and winter wind whistled by, and Lucas and Eliott found home in one another again, not for the first time, but for the last, because this time would lead to forever. 

 

**3 YEARS LATER**

It was so strange, being in the same place he’d grown up, performing the same pieces he’d practiced a million times, but in a completely different way. Eliott had waited until his two year contract with the Australian Ballet was up, auditioning for the Paris Opera Ballet with Lucas in the meantime, and now the both of them were exactly where they were meant to be. Imane was still at the company, but she was the only one of their good friends still there. Emma had quit ballet while Lucas was in treatment, something he hadn’t found out about until he’d auditioned, but she seemed happy, so that was all that mattered. Lucas was still trying to convince Yann and Arthur to come back from Berlin and Amsterdam, respectively, but Yann loved Berlin and Arthur had  _ his  _ Lucas, so his pleas fell on deaf ears. 

Sofiane stayed in Australia for another year, but Imane had told them that she suspected he’d be coming back to Paris soon as well.  _ Lucas _ suspected it had something to do with her, but she refused to entertain any of his questions on the subject.

Eliott and Lucas’ flat was tiny, there was barely enough room for the both of them, but Lucas loved it with all his heart. Eliott had gotten him a piano for his twentieth birthday, and Lucas had gotten Eliott a record player, complete with a set of dubstep tracks on vinyl that Eliott loved for god knew what reason. He’d regretted that purchase a little bit, but the look on Eliott’s face when he’d given them to him sat in his memories and made his bleeding eardrums worth it. 

Lucas and Eliott had also attended a few cooking classes in their free time, partially as a way to normalize healthy eating habits, and partially because if Lucas had to eat one more blueberry-bacon muffin he was going to throw Eliott’s dubstep records out the window. It was easier with Eliott, of course, but Lucas still worked on himself often, even going back to Angelique for weekly therapy sessions. She’d been pleasantly surprised to hear that he was back in town, and he’d been pleasantly surprised that she was willing to work with him again. 

Eliott was still going to therapy too, but Lucas sensed something a little different about his behavior recently, and he wondered if there was anything he should have been doing to make sure everything was going ok for him mentally. 

It was four in the morning and the two of them had to be up early for rehearsals in the morning, but when Lucas blinked his eyes open blearily and saw that Eliott wasn’t in bed beside him, he realized Eliott must never have gone to bed. 

He got out of bed, trying to adjust his eyes to the dim light as he made his way into the living room to see why Eliott was still up. The brightness hit his eyes harder than he’d expected and he braced himself against the wall, squinting. 

“Eliott?” His voice was groggy with sleep but Eliott looked up at him from where he was seated in the middle of the floor, surrounded by papers. Some were drawings, some looked like sheet music, and some looked like notes written by an unsteady hand. It gave Lucas flashbacks to three years ago. 

“Eliott, come to bed,” he tried, knowing it was useless when he saw the light in Eliott’s eyes. 

“Sleep?” Eliott laughed, “Come on, Lucas, I’m on a roll!”

Lucas nodded in agreement, knowing that the best he could do was offer quiet support until the euphoria gave way to the darkness lurking beneath. “I can see that. Do you want to tell me about it?”

Eliott’s eyes lit up again, and Lucas sat down beside him, hanging onto his every word. Well, at least until tiredness overtook him again. He wasn’t even aware of falling asleep, and felt kind of bad about it, but when he woke up a few hours later, Eliott was holding him from behind, likely having carried him to bed. He could tell Eliott wasn’t asleep by the pattern of his breathing, but at least his body was resting. 

Lucas didn’t mention their middle of the night conversation but he did remind Eliott to take his medication, taking his own at the same time. Eliott peppered him with kisses all throughout the morning, something Lucas would never complain about, and when they went to practice, Lucas was just grateful that he would be able to help Eliott through whatever this was, if it was a manic episode, a hypomanic one, a mixed one, whichever. Eliott hadn’t had a manic episode since the one that had led to his diagnosis, so this was still new territory for both of them, but Lucas knew they could both handle it, for better or for worse. 

 

——

 

The depression hit a few days later, so fast that Lucas hadn’t been expecting it, even if he was. It wasn’t the deepest hole Eliott had ever fallen into, but it wasn’t the shallowest, so Lucas did everything he could to help ease even the smallest fraction of pain Eliott was going through. 

A few days into the depressive episode, Lucas made Eliott breakfast in bed, even though he wasn’t sure if Eliott would eat it, because he knew that it was always something that Eliott did to cheer him up and make him feel special. They didn’t have rehearsals for a few days because the new director was out of town, so there were no obligations for either one of them.

Even after being away for two years, they still had quite the reputation at the Paris Opera Ballet, mostly amongst the dancers. Their friends, old and new, knew what was going on and offered support in any way they could, but there were still whispers around the company of them being lazy or crazy or undeserving of what they had. Lucas knew how to handle it, he’d been dealing with similar shit practically his whole life, but it hit Eliott harder than Lucas had expected it to. Eliott had always been the star, even when the director was being an asshole, everyone had been on his side, because the director was so clearly in the wrong. But now, facing a group mostly made up of people they didn’t know very well, every negative or ignorant comment hit Eliott with twice the impact, and Lucas could only do his best to try to pick up the pieces. 

It didn’t help anything that Lucille, Eliott’s ex-girlfriend was a soloist in the company and everyone fawned over her like she was the next Svetlana Zakharova. Eliott had told him plenty about Lucille, and all of it left a bad taste in his mouth. Clearly, Lucille wasn’t very fond of Lucas either, but he wasn’t in the mood to try to change her mind. She probably felt that she was still owed Eliott’s love, even after years apart, simply because she felt entitled to the best of everything.

Lucas was about to be on his way into the bedroom with his tray of breakfast for Eliott when two arms wrapped around his middle, head resting on his shoulder. He set the tray down and turned around, smiling softly as he looked Eliott in the eyes. They weren’t as bright as they usually were, but the dull haze that had coated them for the past few days wasn’t there anymore, and Lucas was happy to see the colors he loved a bit more vibrantly. Eliott’s eyes were still his favorite color, that would probably never change. 

“I was just about to bring you breakfast,” Lucas said, nodding his head to the tray. He watched Eliott look down at it, surprise evident on his face.

“You made me breakfast in bed?” he asked softly.

Lucas nodded, wrapping his arms around Eliott’s neck. “Of course. It always makes me feel better when I’m down, so…” he trailed off, seeing an unreadable emotion in Eliott’s expression. “Was it stupid, to do that?”

Eliott’s brows furrowed instantly, head snapping back to meet Lucas’ gaze. “What? No, of course not. It’s just… I’ve been so awful to you these past few days, you don’t need to do anything like this for me.”

“Eliott,” Lucas sighed, “You have not been awful to me at all. Need I remind you that I was intentionally awful to you for like five years back in school?”

“That was different—”

“It was and it wasn’t. You’re allowed bad days, Eliott, and I’m not going to try to fix them for you, because I know that’s not what you want or need. Maybe you’ll yell at me or ignore me, but I’ll always be there to make you breakfast in bed or cuddle with you at night, ok?”

Eliott ran his hands up and down Lucas’ back. “Ok.”

“Good,” Lucas beamed, wiggling out of Eliott’s grip. “Now go back to the bedroom, I have a surprise for you that may or may not be breakfast in bed.”

Eliott smiled, the first one Lucas had seen in days, lifting his hand up to salute Lucas. “Aye, aye captain.”

In hindsight, breakfast in bed probably would have worked much better if Lucas had remembered to grab silverware, but Eliott had tucked Lucas close once he entered the room and set the tray on the bed and hadn’t let him go. It didn’t matter, though, not really, because Eliott was smiling, and Lucas was eating, and they were going to be ok.

No, they were going to be more than ok, they were going to be great. Greatness wasn’t measured by the number of good days versus the bad, it wasn’t measured by anything, really, it was just a simple fact. They were going to be great again, no matter what the present had in store. At least, that was what Angelique had been trying to help him understand. She was also helping him to understand that the days that weren’t great were vital to his existence, because when everything was good, nothing was. 

It was all a bit confusing at times, if Lucas was honest with himself, so he focused on the simple things when it all got to be too much. The sun beams twisting their way through Eliott’s hair in the morning, curtains parted just so. The curtains themselves, a bright, golden yellow, Lucas had picked out because they reminded him of Eliott. The way Eliott buttered Lucas’ toast for him, knowing exactly how he liked it, and the way he did it without thinking twice. Falling in love more and more every single minute wasn’t scary, not anymore, because it was Eliott, and scary wasn’t even a word in Lucas’ vocabulary around him. 

“Thank you,” Eliott said, leaning his head on Lucas’ shoulder. “For the breakfast, and for everything.”

“You’re welcome,” Lucas said, because they both knew Eliott didn’t need to thank him, but Lucas was starting to allow people to thank him for things when they wanted to. “Thank you for being you.”

Because, flaws and all, Lucas was still the person Eliott loved more than anything, and Eliott was still the person Lucas loved more than anything. Maybe it was partially because of their brief stint as rivals, one sided as it might have been. Not caring how the other person saw you broke down every wall before they even got close enough to fall in love. They’d learned to love every ugly part of each other because those parts hadn’t really ever been hidden, because they hadn’t cared to hide them. 

Lucas kissed Eliott’s forehead, loving when Eliott made himself small and tucked himself into Lucas like he could shield him from the world. He probably couldn’t, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try.     

 

**5 YEARS LATER**

Eliott was leading Lucas by the hand, blindfolded, and Lucas couldn’t have been happier. They’d been on a date to celebrate their five year anniversary, going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant because they were technically adults now, that was what adults did, but Eliott had blindfolded Lucas immediately after and told Lucas to trust him, as if there was any other option. 

They were both wearing suits, partly because they were celebrating an anniversary, and partly because they both had suits they never wore and didn’t want them or the money they’d spent to go to waste. Lucas had tried to keep his cool all night, but he’d been dying to take Eliott’s clothes off since the minute he’d seen him all dressed up. He didn’t honestly look that different than he did at seventeen, but he looked more Eliott, and in a suit he rendered Lucas completely incapable of coherent thought.

“Eliiii,” he whined, Eliott’s hands still on his shoulders, guiding him. 

Eliott’s laugh was music to his ears, despite the fact he was still blindfolded and had no idea where they were going. “I always forget how whiny you are,” Eliott teased.

“I am not whiny!” Lucas gasped indignantly, dissolving into giggles when he heard Eliott laugh again behind him. After a few more minutes of walking, they came to a stop, so Lucas raised his hands to remove his blindfold, but Eliott swatted them away before he could do so. 

“Dude!” Lucas laughed, and Eliott groaned. 

“This is not the time for you to call me dude,” Eliott complained, and Lucas scoffed.

“I’ll call you dude whenever I want to, dude.”

He heard Eliott sigh, and he smiled triumphantly until he felt Eliott’s hands push him gently. “What the—”

He ripped off the blindfold as he stumbled backwards, landing in something wet. Once he cleared the water from his eyes he saw Eliott standing on the street in front of him, shit eating grin on his face. Lucas surveyed his surroundings, fully intending to be mad, but then he realized where they were. 

“The fucking fountain,” he said, no mirth in his voice at all. 

Eliott nodded. “The fucking fountain.”

“I can’t believe you’ve waited five years to push me into a fucking fountain,” Lucas said, shaking his head. 

Eliott raised his eyebrows. “Not just any fountain!”

“Not just any fountain,” Lucas agreed, “Although, if memory serves, you should be in here with me.”

He vaguely wondered if the water was ruining his only good suit, but decided he didn’t really care. Maybe it was time to get a new one anyway. He held out a hand, and Eliott laughed. “You really think I’m going to fall for that?”

“I don’t think you have a choice, Demaury,” Lucas said, wiggling his fingers, and something shifted in Eliott’s expression. He grasped Lucas’ hand and Lucas pulled him into the fountain, Eliott sputtering indignantly even though he’d known it was coming. 

Eliott stumbled into the fountain clumsily, falling on his ass, and Lucas burst into hysterics. It took him a minute to regain control over himself, and when he did Eliott was still sitting in the fountain, looking up at Lucas with a glimmer in his eyes. 

“I’m not helping you up,” Lucas said, raising one eyebrow and crossing his arms. The corner of his mouth twitched, threatening to collapse him into another bout of laughter, but he remained steady as Eliott shifted from sitting to kneeling, one foot braced on the ground. Lucas sighed overdramatically, holding out a hand. “Ok,  _ fine _ , I’ll help you up. But only because I love you.”

Eliott’s fingers ghosted over his briefly, not long enough for Lucas to grip them to pull him up, before they disappeared inside his suit jacket, like he was looking for something. He smiled as he found whatever it was, and Lucas became acutely aware of how they were positioned. 

Eliott, on one knee before him, Lucas reaching out a hand, both of them in the fountain that had started it all. 

His heart stopped beating. If he was wrong… but if he was right… 

“Lucas, I’ve loved you since we were children, even if I didn’t know it back then,” Eliott said, and Lucas’ heart started beating again, threatening to burst out of his chest. It was loud inside the fountain, but Lucas almost didn’t hear it, the only thing on his mind the man in front of him. The man, the boy, the love of his life. 

Eliott continued, “You’re the only one I want to see first thing in the morning, even on the bad days, and you’re the only person I can’t picture my life without. I know we’re still young and we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, but I made you a promise five years ago, and I still mean every word. I promised that no matter where we were, you were it for me. You’re the one I love. We’ve been through more ups and downs than most people probably have to go through in their whole lives, but I wouldn’t trade a single second of it, not if it led us here. You have the most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen, and some days I still pinch myself to make sure that this is all real, that you actually chose  _ me _ . But you did, and I chose you, continue to choose you, and that’s never going to change. And sure, marriage is kind of an arbitrary institution that our generation is moving past as a whole, and our love and commitment to one another speaks loud enough on its own, but Lucas Lallemant, will you marry me?”

Lucas froze with tears in his eyes, watching as the water from the fountain pelted down on Eliott’s head, soaking him more and more with each passing second. He didn’t notice the small crowd of people that had started to surround them in the fountain, whispering and videotaping them. 

A million years passed in a single second when their eyes met, each of them staring into the depths of their favorite color. The world restarted, and Lucas smiled, letting tears mingle with the water on his face. 

“Yes.”

The grin that broke out on Eliott’s face was unlike anything Lucas had ever seen, so blinding he feared he shouldn’t look right at it. In the blink of an eye, he was on his feet, surging forward and capturing Lucas in a time bending kiss that made him feel like he was floating amongst the stars, happiest version of himself in any universe. 

They broke apart laughing as the people that had become voyeurs to one of their greatest moments of personal joy applauded and cheered. Eliott slipped a simple ring onto Lucas finger, and Lucas made a note to himself to get one for Eliott as well. 

“We should probably get out of the fountain now,” Lucas suggested, and Eliott shrugged. 

“Probably,” he agreed. 

The people that had gathered congratulated them as they clumsily hopped out of the stupid fountain that would probably be the site of their wedding if they weren’t careful. They were only twenty-two, but five years together felt like a lifetime, and Lucas had honestly been thinking a lot about marriage and what that might bring for them. They already acted like they were married anyway, why should they wait on making it official?

Lucas couldn’t stop looking at the simple band on his finger, surprised at how well it fit. He was soaked from head to toe, and the season was teetering on winter, but he wasn’t cold, not with all the warmth that had filled in his chest.

Eliott clasped his hand, smiling down at him like he’d done five years ago, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Lucas didn’t know if Eliott even remembered that was exactly what he’d done after their first kiss, but Lucas remembered, he’d always remember every second of that night, even the fight that had preceded it all, such a trivial thing that had led to something so monumental. 

Everyone surrounding them had more or less dispersed, realizing Lucas and Eliott were done putting on a show, so they walked back to their flat peacefully, content with each other’s presence.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about something,” Eliott said as they walked, thumb rubbing Lucas’ ring. 

Lucas laughed minutely, wondering what else there was to be thinking about. The only other major thing they’d done recently was renew their contracts with the Paris Opera Ballet, if that could even be considered major. “Thinking about what?” he asked. 

Eliott swallowed, looking up at the moon. “Well, I—”

He broke off as Lucas’ phone started to ring. Lucas swore under his breath, he’d been certain he’d put his phone on silent. He glanced up apologetically at Eliott, who simply shook his head to indicate that there were no worries. Grabbing his phone from his pocket, he released Eliott’s hand when he saw the caller ID. Why was the director calling him? He hoped he hadn’t done anything wrong that he’d forgotten about.

The new director was great, though, so he wouldn’t have been worried about her calls if it hadn’t been the first time she’d ever called him. She liked to stay involved professionally, not personally, and most of the time he really appreciated that. Of course, there were some personal things he and Eliott had to share with her, but she never looked at either of them any different knowing what she knew.

“Hello?” he answered, not meaning to phrase it as a question but still completely in the dark as to the reason for the call. When she started to speak, it wasn’t that Lucas wasn’t listening, he heard every word she said, but his head filled with a buzz, blocking out everything in the outside world. He was registering the words he was hearing, but he wasn’t sure he was responding, at least not coherently. It couldn’t be true, this couldn’t be happening.

His mind left his body, only coming back down when Eliott placed a hand on his cheek. He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there, phone frozen in front of him, wide eyed blank expression on his face. 

“Lucas?” Eliott asked, concern written all over his face. “Is everything all right?”

Was everything all right? Was what the director had just said real? 

“I…” he began, trying to find the words he was looking for. “She…”

“She?” Eliott prompted, still looking nervous. 

“I’m a principal dancer in the company,” Lucas said, or maybe didn’t say. He wasn’t sure. 

Judging by the way Eliott’s eyes got so wide they nearly took up his entire face, he had, in fact, spoken aloud. “You  _ what _ ?”

“The director,” Lucas said dazedly, “She called to tell me they’re making me a principal dancer in the company.”

If Lucas had thought Eliott’s smile before was blinding, that had nothing on this one. “Are you serious? Lu! What the fuck that’s incredible! At twenty-two years old! And you’ve only been a soloist, what, for a year?”

Lucas nodded, brain still fuzzy and uncomprehending. He and Eliott were both soloists, Eliott had entered the company as one. It didn’t seem possible… maybe they mixed up Eliott’s number with his? All the other principal dancers were older than him, not by much, admittedly, because ballet didn’t have many dancers aged into their late thirties and forties, but  _ still _ .

“Is tonight real?” Lucas asked, because he’d also just gotten engaged. Somehow that seemed a million times easier to stomach than the other news he’d received.

“It is,” Eliott said softly, toning down his blinding smile as he realized that the pure disbelief that Lucas was feeling was too present for him to feel any form of happiness. 

Lucas blinked up at Eliott, shaking his head. “Why wasn’t it you?”

Eliott furrowed his eyebrows. “Why wasn’t what me?”

“You should be the principal dancer… are you sure they didn’t call you? This is my phone right?” Lucas was spiraling a tiny bit, thank god for Eliott, being steady and grounded when his head started spinning. 

“Lucas, they meant to call you, not me, because you deserve this. You’re the best dancer in the company by a mile.”

“But you’re better, you’ve always been better.”

Eliott shrugged. “Maybe I’m not what they’re looking for. Besides, I wouldn’t want to be a principal dancer anyway.”

Lucas gawked at him. Was the whole world flipped upside down, was this an episode of Stranger Things? “That’s always been your dream.”

“Maybe, like, top three dreams,” Eliott agreed. 

“Eliott what are you talking about?” Lucas asked, feeling his brain enter his body again, bit by bit.

“That was what I was about to talk to you about, actually,” Eliott said sheepishly, “Though I’m not sure if now is the right time anymore.”

“Eliott. Tell me.”

Eliott sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Principal dancer has been my dream, but there are two others that outweigh it, and I already have one, and I think it’s time for me to start reaching for the other one seriously.”

Lucas blinked. “Ok?”

“The dream I have, it’s you,” Eliott said, and Lucas levelled him with a look, causing Eliott to laugh. “I’m serious! I can’t help it if you’re the Rapunzel to my Flynn Ryder—”

“I’m Flynn Ryder and you know it,” Lucas interrupted, earning a short laugh.

“—But my other dream, well, you know this one too, actually, is Polaris. I want to commit to Polaris full time, quit the company in the meantime.”

Now Lucas’ eyes turned into saucers. “You  _ what _ ?”

“I know I should have said something before now, but I wasn’t totally sure until now,” Eliott said quickly, words running together, “I’ll still be here, though, with you. It won’t be like Australia, in fact, I still want you to compose the music, but I understand if you don’t want to or don’t have the time…” 

“Eliott,” Lucas laughed, “I’m not mad, how could I be mad?”

“You… aren’t?” Eliott clarified hopefully.

“No! Just surprised.” He paused, taking both of Eliott’s hands in his. “I’ll support you in whatever you want to do, you know that, right?”

Eliott nodded, gripping his hands tighter. “I do. I just didn’t want you to think it was because you’re a principal dancer now, or anything.”

“The thought never even crossed my mind,” Lucas answered truthfully. They were long past the jealousy and rivalry. If Eliott had made principal dancer, Lucas would have been equally happy for him. 

Principal dancer. Now that he was back on earth, it was sinking in more and more. He wasn’t the first of their friends to be a principal dancer, but did Manon really count? She hadn’t ever even been in the corps, soloist straight out of school. Her and Daphné were still thriving at the Royal Ballet, and Noora and her girlfriend had ended up moving in with them to take Lucas’ place. He was pretty sure they were getting their own place soon, but was glad that they’d kept the gay alive in his absence. He missed Manon a lot, and he couldn’t wait to rub it in her face that she may have been principal dancer before him, but he was engaged before her. 

“I’m a principal dancer in the Paris Opera Ballet,” Lucas said aloud, finally believing it. 

Eliott smiled. “You are.”

“I’m engaged to the man of my dreams,” he said. What a day it had been. 

Eliott pulled him close. He realized they were both still soaking wet, and laughed. “You are,” Eliott said again, bringing them closer still. 

“I love you, Eliott,” Lucas said, observing the stars reflecting in Eliott’s luminescent eyes. “I didn’t say it before, but I should have. Even though you know it, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“And I love you.”

If he wasn’t mistaken, Lucas might have seen a shooting star soaring behind Eliott’s head. He didn’t make a wish though, because he realized he didn’t need to. He had everything that he’d ever wanted. 

And this was only the beginning.            

 

**10 YEARS LATER**

Lucas was standing backstage, like he had so many times before, but this was the first time he’d been truly nervous. It was the opening night of Polaris, a ballet Eliott had choreographed and staged, and he had composed music for. Five years ago he never would have expected this to come to fruition so quickly, but there they were. Five years ago, he wouldn’t have expected a lot of things, but life had many surprises. 

It was absolutely insane to think that in such a short time he’d become one of the most sought after dancers in the world, and he still didn’t believe it to be true, but there had been some definite successes since he’d become one of the youngest principal dancers in the company. He had no intention of leaving Paris anytime soon, but he had done a few performances at different places around the world in the meantime, stunned that people would travel any distance to see him dance.

Professionally, he was still Lucas Lallemant, a decision he’d struggled with a bit since marrying Eliott, but he’d decided to stop allowing his father’s influence to control his life and what he did with it, showing the world that Lallemant wasn’t a dirty name, even if they’d never known that it was. Everywhere else, though, he was Lucas Lallemant-Demaury. Ten years ago he’d told Eliott he wanted to be a Demaury, and he hadn’t changed his mind, but it was important for him to take ownership of who he was because at the end of the day, a name was just a name. He wouldn’t let a name scare him anymore.

Eliott had risen to great prominence as a choreographer, staging pieces around the world that brought audiences to tears and filled them with joy. Polaris was his first full ballet, and everyone close to him knew that this was the only one that had ever really mattered, no matter the time and care he put into others. If his other pieces had been so impactful, the world clearly wasn’t ready for Polaris. It was the first ballet in history to star two male leads in a romantic story, which was groundbreaking enough as it was, especially to be put on for the first time in such a company of prestige.

They were more successful than either of them had ever expected to be, especially at the young age of twenty-seven, and for the most part they still didn’t know what to do with that success. They’d both been very outspoken about mental health and LGBTQ+ rights, which seemed like a good place to start, and they’d gotten a dog, a little Pomeranian named Ouba, who they loved only second to each other. They’d discussed kids, but Lucas knew that he had no intentions of leaving the stage anytime soon, and Eliott hadn’t too many dreams and plans he wanted to pursue to consider raising a child. They reserved the right to change their minds in the future, but in the present moment they were happy with it just being the two of them and Ouba taking on the world one minute at a time.

The world rejoiced when Eliott had announced he was coming back to the stage to perform opposite Lucas in the lead roles, though Lucas had known that was his plan from the beginning. Working so closely with Eliott was something he’d missed, and Eliott had missed too. He’d composed all the music with a little help from people in the industry trained for this sort of thing, including Eliott’s friend from Australia, Niccolo, and practicing to the music he’d heard in his head for ten years was a visceral experience. He couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to perform on stage in a little under an hour. Then again and again for as long as the show would run. 

All of their old friends from school were in the audience for the performance, which filled Lucas’ heart with joy. Well, they were supposed to be in the audience, but Eliott had invited them all backstage for a little pre-show reunion, despite the fact that the cast should have been focused. 

Imane and Sofiane were in the show as well, as they were both dancing with the Paris Opera Ballet, and they both had prominent roles because Eliott would accept nothing less for them. Plus, they were still two of the best dancer Lucas knew, and they deserved every bit accolade they had or would receive in their lives. They’d gotten married a year after Lucas and Eliott had, and Lucas knew that they’d been discussing some of the things Eliott and Lucas discussed recently. Imane loved ballet, and Sofiane loved Imane, so Lucas didn’t expect any Alaoui kids in the near future, but he did think there would be some eventually, and expected to be referred to as Uncle Lucas when they did come into the world.

Yann wasn’t dancing anymore, which had come as a bit of a shock to Lucas when Yann had visited and told them he was going to ‘retire’ from the dance world two or so years back. He’d met a girl in Berlin, Emmeline, but they’d moved back to Paris fairly recently and things seemed to be going quite well with them. He tried not to tease Yann too much about the fact that he’d dated an Emma, and now an Emmeline. Lucas knew that Yann was planning to propose to her any day now, but if he knew anything about Emmeline, it was that she’d probably get around to popping the question before Yann could even get down on one knee. He liked her a lot. 

Arthur wasn’t dancing anymore either, at least not in a company. He’d taken his abuser to court while dancing in Amsterdam and the settlement payout had been much more money than Arthur had ever been expecting, so he’d put it towards starting his own ballet school in Amsterdam. Lucas had been a bit sad to hear he wouldn’t be coming back to Paris, that his life was elsewhere now, but he and VDH were still together, and he seemed happier than he ever had been, so Lucas was happy as a result. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t still tease Arthur for having a crush on him ten years ago, especially not when Arthur asked him to come teach master classes for his students. Definitely not. 

Basile was living large, doing whatever it was that Basile did best. Last Lucas had spoken to him he’d been applying to schools to go back and get his doctorate in French, because he wanted to be a professor. Lucas had been surprised at first, but then he’d realized that he’d never actually known what it was that Basile wanted to do with his life, so he accepted it with no more than a shrug. He wasn’t dating anyone presently, but Yann and Lucas had secretly been planning to set him up with a girl named Leia, who’d danced with them at school and they’d recently gotten back in touch with because she was friends with Emmeline.

Alexia had become quite the fixture in their lives, surprisingly, because she’d helped Eliott a lot with blocking and planning Polaris. She may have quit ballet a long time ago, but Lucas could tell she was still very passionate about dance, and he thought she might have a future in choreography if she wanted it. She was also their designated dogsitter, which had somehow led to her reconnecting with Chloé, who Yann had briefly dated— and Lucas had too, but that didn’t really count— and apparently now they were planning on moving in together. Oh, how small the world was.

Emma, surprising all of them, had married Alex briefly, then got divorced, then married him again. Lucas was pretty sure it would last this time, knew that it only hadn’t lasted the first time because both of them wanted to experience a little bit more of the world before settling down, soon realizing that their hearts kept finding their way back to each other and would keep doing so. They had a kid together, a little spitfire named Amelie, and she and Lucas got along a little bit too well for their own good. Emma and Lucas had always had a friendship teetering on chaos, so it was inevitable that the same would be said for her daughter. 

Manon and Daphné, of course, were still together. Lucas still held it over their head that he and Eliott got married three months before they did, but everyone knew that it was in good humor. In fact, they were expecting their first child together, something Lucas definitely hadn’t seen coming. He’d also assumed they would adopt, but Daphné had wanted to have a biological child and Manon had agreed. They’d had an anonymous donor, and Lucas had feigned offense that they hadn’t wanted  _ his _ dna. Manon was terrified of having children, at least physically, but apparently Daphné had really wanted to be the one to carry their baby, so it had all worked out for them. Lucas didn’t know whether or not she planned on returning to ballet after the baby was born, but he supposed Daphné and Manon would figure that out amongst themselves. Manon was probably more famous in the ballet world than he or Eliott could even dream of, which was unsurprising to everyone but Manon.

They were all there, looking the same and yet so completely different than they had ten years ago. It was terrifying to think ten years had passed, because in some respects Lucas had no idea where the time had gone, but in some ways it also felt like three whole lifetimes had been lived in the last ten years. He was still doing well, had only had a minor relapse of his eating disorder during his first year as a principal dancer, but Eliott had been there through it all and he’d made his way out of it stronger than ever. Eliott had a few episodes, having to change his medication after the most recent one, but he’d been good for a long while too, and the depression hadn’t hit as hard in both of his most recent episodes. He attributed it to Lucas, though Lucas would never agree, knowing that it was just brain chemicals doing whatever the hell they wanted to at any given time, but it made him happy to make Eliott happy in whatever way he could. 

Manon looked regal and sharp, every bit the prima ballerina she’d shaped up to be, red lipstick perfectly applied like it always had been as she ran over to Lucas to hug him. Daphné was right behind her, albeit a bit slower given her current condition, but she looked just as beautiful as Manon but in a softer way. 

“When are you due?” Eliott asked her excitedly as the two of them hugged, and Daphné beamed, lacing her hand with Manon’s. 

“Eight weeks,” she said, catching Manon’s eye. The way the two of them looked at each other… if Lucas didn’t have Eliott to look at like that, he probably would have pretended to barf all over the both of them. 

Arthur and VDH approached next, who Lucas refused to refer to as anything other than VDH, which Arthur rolled his eyes at every time but VDH himself had said he didn’t mind at all. Isa and some of her friends had joined, standing a bit on the outskirts of the group because Isa was the only one who knew Lucas well. He recognized Liv and her girlfriend Engel, because Arthur had lived with Liv and Isa had talked about the two of them all the time, so he assumed the other three girls must have been Janna, who danced in Sweden, Imaan, who wasn’t a dancer, and Esra, who was a well known name in the dance community for being the first hijabi muslim principal dancer in the American Ballet Theatre. Lucas was a bit intimidated to be in her presence, actually, because he’d followed her career and admired her so much, but she seemed very down to earth from what he’d heard through Isa. 

“You’re going to kill it,” Arthur said pulling him into a hug. He was wearing the same glasses he’d worn back during school, but they still suited him. “And if you don’t, I’ll let you join my tiny tots ballet class, see if you can learn something from them.”

“Ha ha,” Lucas deadpanned, smirking despite himself. “Tiny tots, huh?”

Arthur widened his eyes in a  _ don’t ask _ sort of way. “Past me was an ambitious man,” he lamented. 

VDH nudged his shoulder. “Shut up, the kids love you. And you love them, no matter what you say on the contrary.”

“I just picture them all as baby Yoda,” Arthur admitted, earning him another nudge. 

“Dude, the baby Yoda meme died, like, ten years ago,” Lucas laughed. 

Arthur scoffed in offense, putting a hand up to his chest. “Baby Yoda is eternal.”

Yann entered their conversation at that moment, raising his eyebrows when he noticed all of them bursting into uncontrollable laughter. “Three Musketeers back and better than ever, huh?”

“It’s been way too fucking long, man,” Arthur said once he caught his breath, wiping his eyes for errant tears. Lucas nodded in agreement, just as Baz joined the circle. 

“I sure hope you didn’t forget about me,” he pouted, and the three of them pulled him into a bearhug, Eliott engaged in conversation with Idriss, Imane, and Sofiane, and VDH moving back to talk with his friends. 

“As if we ever could,” Lucas said to Basile, ruffling his curly hair. 

“I sure hope not! Just because I don’t have a hot boyfriend, doesn’t mean I’m not still a part of the group, right?” Basile scoffed indignantly. 

Yann cocked his head to the side. “Pretty sure I don’t have a hot boyfriend, Baz.”

“But you totally could, if you wanted to,” he said, as if that explained everything, and the three of them burst into even more laughter. Lucas had to get control over himself, otherwise he’d have to redo his makeup, a task he really did not want to complete for a second time that night. 

A hand tapped his leg and Lucas looked down with a grin to see three year old Amelie Delano, looking mischievous as ever. “Uncle Arthur said to call you Uncle Lulu,” she said breathlessly, in that way all three year olds did. 

Lucas glared at Arthur, who became suddenly interested in the set on stage. Lucas bent down to be eye level with Amelie. “You can call me whatever you want,” he said, because if he was being honest it was adorable to hear a toddler call him Uncle Lulu. 

Emma appeared at Amelie’s side, sighing deeply. “There you are, I should have known you’d be with Uncle Lucas.”

“Lulu,” Amelie said indignantly, and Emma raised one eyebrow in Lucas’ direction, holding back a laugh. 

“Lulu,” Lucas agreed with defeat, giving her tiny hand a high five. 

“Break a leg out there,” Emma said as he straightened up, giving him a high five of her own. 

“Yours, maybe,” he said with a half a smirk, wondering if she remembered one of their old inside jokes. At first she looked confused, but he saw the exact moment she remembered, laughing in a nostalgic sort of way. 

She pointed at him. “Still the same, I see.”

“Why mess with perfection?” he joked, knowing full well that he would never have been standing where he was if he’d actually stayed the same person he was back then.

A hand wrapped around his waist and he turned to see Eliott, softness in his eyes that was reserved only for Lucas and Ouba. “We should get ready,” Eliott said, and the nerves kicked in again. 

“We should,” Lucas agreed, and he saw Eliott read the anxiety in his eyes. The two of them moved a little bit out of the way of everyone, finding their own bubble of peace amidst the chaos like they always did. 

Eliott put his hands on either side of Lucas’ face. “Don’t be afraid.”

“I’m not,” Lucas lied, and Eliott saw right through him again. 

“This show, it’s everything to me,” Eliott began, and Lucas frowned. 

“How is that supposed to make me less nervous?” 

Eliott laughed, shaking his head. “Let me finish, Lu. It’s everything to me, because of you. Because I had a dream, and you helped me turn it into a reality, and now I’m living out a dream I never knew I had, the dream of us dancing side by side in a story I’ve held close to my heart for almost twelve years. I don’t care what it looks like to the audience, maybe I should, but I really don't. All I care about is you and I giving the performance I know we’re capable of, because it’s fueled by all the love we share. I’m not afraid, because you’re the best dancer I’ve ever known, and because of all the shit life’s thrown our way, we’ve made it out stronger each time. We can handle anything on our own, but when we’re together all the struggles and pain turn to pure magic, consuming every atom of my being.”

“In another universe you’re a poet, I think. Or maybe a songwriter,” Lucas said dumbly, struck by the power and intention in Eliott’s voice, the love and care in his words. 

Eliott smiled and leaned in close, brushing their noses together, like he was waiting. Lucas closed the gap, kissing Eliott deeply. He pulled away, Eliott chasing his lips, and placed his hands on Eliott’s face, each of them holding the world in their hands. 

“I’m not afraid,” he said again, and this time it wasn’t a lie.

“Not afraid?”

“Not afraid.”

“Well then, let’s go give the audience the show of a lifetime,” Eliott said, dropping his hands from Lucas’ face and holding one out to him. Lucas accepted it following him back into the hustle and bustle of being backstage the opening night of a ballet. It was Lucas’ favorite place to be, other than wrapped in Eliott’s arms. They took their places in the wings, breaths in synch and hearts on fire.

Eliott had been so many of Lucas’ firsts. First friend, first enemy, first love, first heartbreak, first (and only, if he had anything to say about it) husband, first person Lucas had shown himself to completely, every crack and bruise and flaw most people would flinch away from. Eliott never flinched, which was what made him the last of everything too. 

He would be Lucas’ last love, his last husband, his last kiss. There were so many firsts left in his life, and even more lasts, but Eliott would be a part of all of them. And he would be a part of all of Eliott’s. 

Lucas looked out at the stage, a mix of melancholy and longing filling his body. There would be a last dance too, of course there would, but that was another thing Lucas wasn’t scared of anymore. He wasn’t scared, because he knew that Eliott would be right there for all of the firsts and all of the lasts, even his last dance.

He looked at Eliott, finding his hand and squeezing it once.

_ Especially _ his last dance. 

The curtain went up and the music began to swell, and Lucas stepped onto the stage, leaving Eliott’s hand behind him. 

Even after years of training, the Paris Opera Ballet was still everything Lucas dreamed it would be. And, he realized, gazing out at the audience, each person waiting for him to blow them away, it was all his. It always had been.

He smiled, and began to dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u all so much for reading 🥺 i'll be back with new chapters of wgp real soon, and then another au i might or might not have dropped a lil hint for in this chapter 👀 
> 
> find me screaming about s5 and 6 on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


End file.
